Darcy, Come Home & Find a Bride

CHAPTER 1

Darcy Farnsworth was tiring of world travel and seeking to be hired to do whatever when within sight of his last dollar, Euro, Rand or funny money if he were in one of the smaller nations.

Derrick -- or Darcy as everyone including his mom called him -- had left home three years after graduating to see how the other half lived. It was now 'been there, done that' and nothing to show for it and worrying that all the good babes at home would have been snapped up. Well, perhaps he'd find a guy. Oh yuck, it was time he was back home working at a real job and gaining experience in responsibility. His father emailed him once a month and always ended up saying it was time he was back home...blah, blah, blah. His mom emailed him weekly and was even more determined to make him feel homesick. This latest bid was a supreme effort.

Opening his mother's email again at the traveler's email booth at the railway station in northern Australia, Darcy felt tumultuously homesick, really giving in to it for the first time in three years. "Oh mom, I really love you," he wheezed, wiping away a tear that was attracting tropical flies of the worrying kind. Mom's email was a real tear-jerker:

'Darcy, come home and get married. Most of your friends have gotten married and your two sisters had weddings you failed to attend. Now babies are beginning to appear but sadly Louise and Dallas are not pregnant yet. My thinking is your wife would become pregnant as soon as you looked at her, or is that just me with my huge grandmother potential just being stupid? I thought I might try to become pregnant myself but your father told me to stop being ridiculous and get on with middle age. You and your father are so alike Darcy, so insensitive. Every night I dream of holding your child in my arms while I stroke her red hair and she looks at me through her freckles with her trusting blue eyes. Oh I can't stand time standing still like this. Come home and get married Darcy. Diane, xxxxx.'

Brushing away flies, Darcy looked at the younger females and the lonely-looking older women but that all looked away quickly, or didn't even look at him. Who could blame them? His greasy hair was over his collar, his clothes were worn and dirty and his teeth were yellow. An older man with pink cheeks and a mincing walk looked at him, staring very intensely. Darcy buried his face in front of the computer screen and replied to his mom's email:

'Mom. I'm near penniless on my way down to Brisbane to find work. Your email worries me. You sound soulless, in danger of losing your marbles. Top up my card, I'm coming home on your terms. US$3700 should do it.'

Darcy looked at the screen in satisfaction. That ought to do it. She'd either top up his card with $4000, which meant he could buy new clothes and eat and sleep in style for a couple of nights or she could tell him to get fucked, not that she ever spoke to him like that. He pressed SEND, picked his yellow teeth and then went off to find a stack of pancakes.

Darcy qualified for the mile high club on the flight to LA. His Darcy hair was beautifully styled, his teeth polished back to white and his clothes were sharp. The aircraft wasn't full and after midnight a flight attendant found him awake and sat beside him to chat. They laughed, she was Australian and very cute. He put an arm around her and she attempted to pull away, but rather pathetically. A little later she led him away to a Business Class toilet and invited him to dock. Oh boy. It was almost the first time in three years he was up close and dangerous with a woman with white teeth, whose body perfume was expensive French and who spoke in an educated manner. If it hadn't been so damn uncomfortable doing it in the toilet he'd gladly fucked away the night.

Landing at O'Hare, Darcy prepared himself for the onslaught of kisses from his family, not his entire extended family. Christ he'd been away three years, hadn't he?

His mom met him.

Darcy buried his disappointment at not receiving the hero's return homecoming by kissing and hugging her that left his mom red-faced and panting.

"That's enough darling, you're making me...? She stopped.

"Making you what?"

His mom knew not to reply to that so asked how was the flight.

Diane said his father was in Dallas at a medical conference and Louise and Dale were working and said they would see him tonight. "Darcy, I'd like you to meet Ruth."

A striking young redhead with absolutely no apparent curves stepped forward and said, "Hullo Derrick."

"Everyone calls me Darcy, and have done so since before I can remember."

"Well with me Derrick will be fine."

"Please yourself. Come on mom, let's go. Goodbye miss."

"Darcy, Sheryl is Reverent and Mrs King's oldest daughter. I have..."

"Don't say it mom. Grab my trolley Sheryl while I talk to mom on the way out. We'll give you a ride home."

Diane seemed confused but was quick enough to grab the back seat and tell Sheryl to sit up front. She said practically nothing on the way home, leaving Sheryl and Darcy to chat. After Sheryl had directed Darcy to where she lived, he said goodbye and that they must have coffee within the next month or so.

Sheryl seemed shell shocked as she stood on the pavement waving. Diane in the backseat had a similar look.

"Son, you never will get married if you treat women like that."

"Like what."

"Like a floor mop."

"Oh come off it mom, she's not my type. Even you ought to know she's a virgin."

"Darcy, don't be so disgusting."

"Since when have acknowledging virgins been disgusting?"

Diane snorted, "It's the implications I'm talking about. You have no idea whether or not Sheryl is sexually experienced and anyway it's no business of yours. I thought you would be attracted by her pleasant personality and great mind."

"Are you matchmaking mom?"

"Don't be ridiculous. Be quiet and drive safely."

It should have ended there but Darcy knew he'd have to squash this matchmaking role his mom before she thought she was gaining control. "Mom, if you are going to try to dump prospective brides on me I'm going to stay with Aunt Rosa."

"You are staying home with me and that's final," his mom said grimly. Her sexy younger sister was divorced and couldn't hold on to a man. She probably held a record for one-night dates in all of Chicago.

Darcy drove on, attempting to hide his grin.

Once inside the house Darcy hugged Diane again, thanking her for getting him home.

"You are my darling son."

"Mom, you have two daughters."

She repeated he was her darling, her youngest.

"Mom, you have to keep relaxed about my quest to find a bride. You may not interfere -- do you get that?"

Her grip on him tightened. She managed to say yes.

"If I introduce you to women I don't want you indicating disapproval."

She said of course.

"Or to interview them as if they are applying for a job?"

Diane snorted and then sighed and said she knew what he meant. She would try to remain relaxed.

"Is dad giving you enough attention and enough sex?"

"Yes although in both instances it's borderline." She suddenly realized what she'd just said and pushed him away roughly and shouted, "How dare you!"

"Aw, come on mom. You need to relax."

"Go to your room."

Darcy yawned and grabbed his backpack, leaving the presents in an untidy heap. He'd been seventeen hours in the air plus a two-hour stopover at LA. Late afternoon he awoke as Diane slipped in under the covers beside him. They hugged and kissed, almost like lovers.

"I'm so glad to have you home."

"Thanks mom."

"I'm sorry I rushed Sheryl at you. Would you allow me to try again with her or do you really want me to let you do the finding?"

"I'd thought I'd made that quite clear."

"Are you blaming me for a last-gasp attempt to get the job done for you?"

"Don't do it mom?"

Diane kissed him on the mouth, rather an unmotherly kiss and then pulled back and brushed his hair back. "All right, I promise. In return I want you staying away from Rosa."

"She's really great at sex mom."

"I don't want it to start again Darcy."

"All right. I promise. No sex with Aunt Rosa. There, better now?"

"Yes, I've run a bath for you. Your father flight arrives just before 5:00 and your sisters and husbands will be here for dinner."

"Have you been telling the husbands how to make babies?"

"No of course not. What do you mean?"

Darcy said she should go and attend to preparing dinner while he had his bath. "Thanks \again for getting me home mom."

Ralph arrived home first and Darcy ran out to greet him. His dad hugged him and tousled his hair saying it was great to have him home and in one piece.

Darcy was sure of it so said it. "Dad, I think I can smell perfume on you."

"Jesus!" said his father and groaned, "Here she comes."

"Take off your jacket and while she'd kissing you I'll dribble the ball at you to allow you to break away before she has much time to detect anything. Give her more attention dad; she needs it."

Dale and Mick Jansen arrived first and Dale gave him the once over and said "Yummy" and pressed into him with her welcoming kiss. She even looked like Aunt Rosa. He'd known Mick for years and although Mick was twenty months older they'd been pals ever since they'd been on the swim team and he'd said casually, "My sister Dale isn't dating anyone at the moment and Mick had said, "Even if she is only as half as good looking at you are perhaps I should take a look." Darcy had ensured Mick would take a look, saying well with Dale there was plenty to look at. Mick wasn't stupid so asked Darcy if he could go home and play some ball with him.

When she was kissing Darcy for her lovely present, Dale whispered, "Mom said she was bringing you home to get you married. Daisy Black is divorced. You used to screw her didn't you?"

Darcy laughed. "You always wanted me to confirm your suspicions. What a sly way of doing it."

Dale giggled and whispered behind her cupped hand. "Aunt Rosa has twice asked me for your arrival date. You can't deny having screwed her. Mom and I caught you two at it that day."

Darcy smacked her ass and walked away. His mom and Dale had thought they'd caught them at it but he'd managed to zip up and Rosa got her dress down and her boobs away before Dale and his mom were close enough to see anything but guilty looks.

Late as usual, Louise and her skinny Kevin Mandrel arrived and Louise made the introductions.

"Hi Kevin. Louise wrote me about meeting you and said she met you on vacation at San Diego Zoo when you were then working in Southern Texas on a newspaper. I've been through McAllen between semesters on a motorcycle tour of the Rio Grande Valley with two pals. Great part of the country."

Kevin was surprised. "You've the first person I've met up here who has even heard of McAllen let along visited it. Louise said you looked like Superman with red hair but missed out saying you were brainy."

"Brainy? Lots of folk have double degrees."

"No, I meant skilled enough to make me want to like you by immediately establishing rapport by saying you've been to McAllen. My folk and two sisters still live there."

"Well when you travel and rely on people providing travel or food and shelter for you when you are about broke -- on the skin of your ass as the saying goes -- you learn how to make yourself interesting to other people if you want to keep moving and enjoy generous hospitality."

"Bumming around you mean."

"Yeah."

"So what do you want from me, talking nicely to me?"

"Just look after my sister, keep her happy and remember my mother wants grandchildren."

Kevin and Louise looked at Darcy stonily. He looked at his mom's crimson face. She was standing just behind Kevin and Louise and giving her son a murderous look called, "Ralph, everyone is waiting for a drink."

Louise handed Darcy a beer and hissed, "Kevin and I will decided when we will start a family thank you."

"Sorry, just attempting to make him feel one of the family."

"Well take him out and shoot some baskets will be a thousand times more effective."

"Okay, thanks for the advice. Good to see you so happy Louise, at least you were until I had my say."

"Thank you Darcy. You seemed to have picked up on manners since you left here. Oh, please stay away from Aunt Rosa."

Fucking schoolteacher, Darcy smarted, as if schoolteacher was the foulest thing he could say about his elder sister. They were all at it. Why make such a big thing of it? Can't a guy fuck his aunt without being criticized?

He took Kevin out with a six-pack and they played around a bit. Kevin was good, too good. "Let's take time out. Geeze, you move like grease-lightning."

"Well, everyone tries to be good at least at one thing. Did Louise suggest you ask me to shoot baskets?"

"Yeah."

"She can be such a cruel bitch at times. Toss me another bottle."

Darcy decided he really liked Kevin who was a news editor for a TV station. "Do you go home often?"

"Nah, my life is up here now. I'm unbelievably happy in my job and your sister is great company. Actually I'm heading home in a fortnight for mom's 50th. Louise has exams for some advanced qualifications. Come with me, I'll pay your tickets."

"I couldn't let you do that."

"Well I'm buying you a ticket. If you don't want it let it go to waste. If I can't get you on the same flight we'll take an earlier one. I'm due to fly out at 1:00. I'd appreciate having time to get to know you. Louise is in awe of you."

"Louise, my elder sister?"

Kevin looked around and said he didn't see any other Louise. They laughed. He said, "She missed you, really missed you. She said she'd grown up helping to mother you and liked to think she was entitled to share some of the credit for your achievements as a scholar and sportsman."

"Louise taught me the disciplines I needed to study better than any other teacher ever did. When I was at EMU she'd call and quiz me about my study routines. She was a pain in the butt but I knew she was good for me."

"You took fine arts, right?"

"Yeah, I actually took a Bachelor of Arts degree in art history and then went on and completed a MFA in photography -- one being a passionate interest, the other a possible roadway to the money tree."

"I've seen some of your work. It's really great."

"You ain't seen nothing, Darcy scoffed very ungrammatically. "We may view some of it tonight."

Kevin checked that no one was coming.

"Look, hit me if this enrages you but I'd like to know. Is it true your parents banished you overseas because you were fucking your mother's young sister -- your aunt?"

"Yeah, we always denied it but my family never believed our lies."

Kevin licked his lips and said Rosa was a real sexpot. He liked the thought of sinking one but Louisa would kill him if she found out.

After dinner Darcy brought out two of the sealed packages of the two-dozen he'd sent home and his mother had stored in his bedroom, left unopened as instructed.

"These are only 10 x 8s. Any larger prints would have cost me too much of my scarce cash to send home. These are of Vietnam, Thailand and India. Please don't expect them all to be picture postcards."

"Many of the prints were breathtaking. Perhaps even more arresting were the beautifully compositions of stark poverty, prostitution and cruelty.

Darcy packed the last print away and said, "Well, what do you think?"

"I knew when the packs started arriving you were working although you dismissed that, saying you were taking a few snapshots," said his mother. "These are works of art."

The others complimented him, using words like 'amazing' and 'beautifully captured' and that was what Darcy expected to hear. It was Kevin who surprised him.

"You have yet to make a name for yourself so writing a book around your illustrations or staging exhibitions would probably be unrewarding or even a waste of time. You should consider hiring an agent to find the best market for you -- probably photo libraries, It appears you have more than 800 quality photos of this quality, all on film that publishers, ad agencies and even TV stations prefer."

Darcy said, "Thanks pal, I really don't have a business head. What you say sounds sensible. Perhaps I'll visit my favorite assistant prof at EMU and also consider his advice."

During the next couple of days Darcy visited old haunts but saw only the faces of strangers. Where was everyone? Ah, yes, working longer hours to upgrade in apartments or out in the suburbs playing happy families and working hard at increasing the size of the family. Then his virtual isolation ended. He ran into Rosa. She kissed him like an aunt should and took him into a coffee house.

"Please find a girl buddy and find her soon?"

"Why?"

"Because of your fucking mother I'm virtually excommunicated even from my other sisters and my brother and their families. When you are tied to someone Diane will ease off and I'll be welcomed back into the fold. This has been so painful for me Darcy."

"Well, whose fault is that? You shouldn't have fucked me."

"God, you are so callous, just like your father."

"What about my father?"

Rosa looked away.

"Oh Christ. Darcy grabbed her arm -- leave my dad alone Rosa. Go near him again and you'll with you were dead. I'll hang you out to dry."

"How could I have ever loved you Darcy. Having three assholes in the one family is incredible."

"Who's the second one?"

"Your mother you idiot. She turned the entire family against her, alleging I was corrupting her precious son."

"And the third one is my father?"

"Yes, we've just returned from his medical conference. It was our last hurrah."

"Aren't you supposed to be the fatalistic one-nighter?"

"I still am. But for some reason I seemed to find the glue with you and then your father."

"So you weren't having it off with me and dad concurrently?"

"Hell no, what do you take me for -- a slut."

"In that case Rosa sit down. I'd like to help you."

"How."

"By working to bring you back to your extended family. You know I really like you and always have, for as long as I can remember and you were my favorite babysitter."

"Why are you licking up to me like this?"

"God, you are hard. I genuinely like you Rosa. Please believe me and I'll like you better than most other people I know even when no pussy is involved. Swear to me now that you'll back off sexually from dad and me and I'll open doors for you Rosa."

"I'm already not having any relations with you and Ralph and I ended it last weekend."

"Swear to me!"

"I swear I will never resume again with either you or your father."

"Good Aunt Rosa."

"What's wrong with just Rosa."

"I'll need to show family I regard you as my aunt and to indicate our old relationship is over."

"Becoming a university graduate and traveling the world has turned you into a smart guy Darcy. I'm very proud of you. Oh, I saw Lisa O'Ryan an hour ago and said you were home. She seemed so excited. Oh, she's Lisa Jackson now."

Lisa was excited. She called Darcy at midday and for a moment almost forgot she was married in conveying her delight he was home.

"I missed you, missed you so much. Katie and I were waiting for a proposal from you, hoping to be the one. But then your mom told me you were likely to be away for at least two years. You knew I wanted you, and yet no word."

"You did the right thing Lisa, who ended up with rights to your sweet pussy?"

"God, you are still a horrible man," she giggled. "Ted Chancellor."

"Oh, lucky girl and I mean that Lisa."

"Thank you. We row but with have such great times making up and I went into it with my eyes open, knowing he was short-fused. His family loves me and really Ted is a fine man apart from the occasional slip into a dark mood. He's never hit me."