Dark Impulse Ch. 02

Responsible. Compassionate. Understanding. Noble. Cultured. Too late, she's gone.

Years after the fact, Gerde still didn't know what to make of Gabriel's metamorphosis. Her first thought was that Wolfgang would have been very proud of him, but then the questions soon surfaced in her mind.

What is the meaning of this change? Did he do all of this out of grief over losing Grace, or did he make this change to prove something to himself? Was it done out of love or malice? Was it meant to be a self-inflicted punishment, an evolution of self, or some sort of preparation? Could it be that he was somehow training himself, mentally as well as physically, to win her back? He may be in for a fight. A very hard, very fierce struggle, with an uncertain prize.

Gerde remembered that they were discussing Gabriel's plans for locating Grace. Gerde closed her eyes and sighed in frustration. She then looked across the kitchen table and saw Gabriel sipping his second cup of coffee of the morning. His eyes searched the steamy blackness as if all his answers could be found there.

"Gabriel, how do you expect to find her after all this time? It's been over five years since she left, almost six. God only knows where she could be."

Gerde leaned closer as a terrible, yet realistic idea entered her mind. Her voice lost its anger as she expressed this concern to Gabriel.

"And what will happen if you do manage to find her? Has it occurred to you that she might be married, or have children by now? Your sudden appearance in her life after so long is bound to disrupt whatever she has going on, personally upset her and those close to her."

Gabriel stared at the table in silence. Gerde offered him her hand, and he took it with a firm squeeze. She continued.

"Gabriel, it's possible that she might not want to be found or saved. At least, not by you. She doesn't know what you've been doing all this time; she doesn't know how you've changed, how you've grown. If you find her, she may not want anything to do with you. Are you prepared for that?"

Sunlight streamed through the kitchen windows, and the light emphasized the dark circles underneath Gabriel's eyes as he met hers.

"Of all people, I thought that you would have understood, Gerde. Didn't we both look at the same painting? Didn't we both sense that Grace is in trouble? She needs help, and you're trying to talk me out of going?"

"I did not say that, Gabriel. The choice is yours if you want to carry this out. Yes, I know that something is wrong, but I also know that Grace has a lot of pride. It may not be easy for her to accept your help or your presence in her life again."

Gabriel nodded, his face grim. Gerde tightened her hand around his, causing him to look up again.

"Gabriel, I have to know. What happened in France between the two of you?"

He sighed heavily and related the entire story to her, withholding nothing. Gerde released his hand as she slowly took in the information.

"So, do you hate me now?" Gabriel crossed his arms defensively, his eyes resting everywhere but on her face. He knew that she was crying, and he felt ashamed.

Gerde was overwhelmed with emotion; the hot flash of anger that she experienced upon hearing of Gabriel's ill treatment of Grace was thankfully brief, and powerful waves of empathy for Grace washed over her.

Yes, Grace. I understand now why you had to leave. I'm so sorry that I held such ill will toward you for so long. Please, forgive me. Forgive Gabriel.

She wiped her eyes with a napkin. "No, I don't hate you. I know that you never meant to hurt her. But you did, Gabriel. Deeply. The old saying is wrong; time does not heal all wounds."

Gerde left her chair and crossed the room to the window, looking out over the mountains.

"I know that you must go to her, but I want to know that after everything is said and done, you will be able to move on with your life. With or without her. Your goal is to save her from whatever she's up against, not to follow your own personal agenda and definitely not to woo her back."

She turned away from the window, facing him.

"You must respect her wishes; if she is indeed involved with someone else, please don't make things more complicated by bringing your own emotions into it. If you do, it'll be a disaster. She needs a friend more than anything else, Gabriel. Are you listening to me?"

Gabriel stood and walked up to Gerde. His green eyes sparkled with determination, with defiance.

"Yeah, I hear you. I have thought about the possibility that she could be with someone else now, but I won't let that stop me from doing what I need to do. It doesn't matter to me, not one bit. You want to know why? Because if she's in the type of danger that I believe she's in, then I'm the only one that can help her, and that makes everything else secondary. I'm not saying that it won't hurt to see her with another man or her having a kid with this person, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, all right?"

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before continuing.

"In the course of our friendship, she helped me countless times without asking for anything in return. Christ, she didn't even expect anything in return. I owe her so much; I owe her my life. Don't you understand? I want to make amends for what I've done. I want to see her and make sure that she's okay. And if she's not okay, and I can feel deep in my gut that she's not, I will do whatever it takes to eliminate the twisted son-of-a-bitch who would dare put that look in her eyes!"

He turned away from Gerde, running his hands through his hair to compose himself. He stood there in the middle of the room with his back to her, his arms crossed in front of him.

"I know what you're asking of me, Gerde. You want to know if I'll be able to walk away from her after my business there is done, without trying to tear her away from the cozy life that she may have built for herself. We have lived and worked together for many years, you and I. You're not blind; you know that I never stopped loving her. You know that there's nothing that I would like more than to see her, touch her, ask her to come back..."

He trailed off for a moment, squeezing his eyes shut against tears. He released a shuddering breath before he returned to face Gerde.

"But if I have to, I will walk away without looking back. If she truly wishes me out of her life, I will leave on the next plane. I will try to pick up the pieces and push on, you have my word."

Gerde stepped closer to him, placing her hand against his cheek. She was moved by his grief; touched to the core by his willingness to sacrifice all to aid Grace, knowing that he must not expect anything in return.

"I'm so sorry, Gabriel. I can't imagine what you must be going through..."

Gabriel shook his head, and a scarlet lock of hair framed his sculpted cheek as his emerald eyes darkened with pain.

"No, Gerde, you can't. And I hope that you never will."

There was nothing more to be said. He left Gerde standing there in the sunlight that filled the kitchen, and climbed the stairs to prepare for his departure.