Darkness at the Edge of a Dream

"You what, Molly?" asked Buck. As I looked at my husband, I knew that I was in more trouble than I had ever been in. Both my marriage and quite probably my life were at stake here. I had to be prepared to do whatever it took to get out of this one.

"Molly what kind of game is this?" he screamed. My gentle husband had become a raging tiger. I shifted blame like a pro. "He's going to kill me," I screamed. "He tied me to this chair and he had that gun in my mouth. What kind of son would do that to his own mother?"

"What kind of mother gives her son to a monster?" he replied.

"Cap, what the hell are you talking about?" asked Buck. "Molly and I were distraught when you disappeared. As a matter of fact both of us were so broken up by it that we almost didn't make it. We barely avoided divorce."

"Dad, I didn't want to hurt you," he said. "You and I are the victims here. She..." He pointed at a cringing Molly.

"She arranged the whole thing to prevent you from finding out that she's been cheating on you," he said. I watched as Buck's knees weakened under him and he almost collapsed. It was as if someone had just punched him in the gut. His reaction only underscored how much the man loved me. His face got pale and he looked like he was about to throw up everything in his stomach. But he held it in, barely.

He looked over at me and my expression must've given it away. Before I could even begin to lie, he read it in my face.

"Cap, I don't understand," he said slowly. "What does her cheating on me have to do with allowing our son to be kidnapped? Did you catch her in the act and she was afraid that you'd tell me?"

"I wish it was just that simple, Dad," said Steven. "She would have just convinced you that I was mistaken. Or that I didn't understand what I was seeing. And you loved her. You would have needed some sort of proof."

"You still need some sort of proof don't you?" I asked. "As long as we've been married, don't I deserve the benefit of the doubt or at least the chance to explain?"

"That's just it," began the man who claimed to be our son. "I am the proof. That's why I had to go. I'm sure on some level she loved me, Dad. But not as much as she loved fucking around. The way Cletus, he was her lover, explained it to me. My school had begun DNA testing on all of the kids. She couldn't afford to have me tested. So she put no on the consent form. But when you picked me up from school and spoke to my teacher, you signed the form so I was going to be tested. Molly couldn't allow that so she literally gave me to Cletus. Apparently, Cletus was my father and she knew that she'd lose you if that got out."

That news was too much for Buck. He sank into one of the chairs in the living room. He was trying to process it and clearly failing.

Steven kept on talking. He described his nightmarish existence, from the age of five years old until the present. None of it was pleasant. There were several times when he described things that Cletus had done to him or forced him to do, that made me want to cry myself. Even I had difficulty, understanding how Cletus could have treated his own child that way. Tears began to roll down my cheeks as he spoke of being beaten for no reason, being starved for days at a time, and other things that made my skin crawl. I had known that Cletus wasn't exactly a choirboy, but this was too much.

"I never knew, Steven," I sobbed. "I thought that being your father, he'd treat you like Buck did."

"I'm going to kill that bastard," said Buck. "Where is he?"

"Buck, there's no need for us to get involved in this," I said. "I made a terrible mistake. But we can try to put our family back together again. We can get past this. I'll do whatever it takes to make up for it."

My husband, the kindest, sweetest man I know swiveled his head to look at me. His face was desolate and his eyes were devoid of any emotion. In the coldest voice I had ever heard he dashed any hope of us staying together. "You made more than one mistake," he said icily. "The first one was cheating on me. The second one was giving Steven to that monster. The third one is having the idea that there was any way that I would ever forgive this. You may as well call that asshole and warn him. I'm going to spend the rest of my life, if necessary, tracking him down, and when I find him, he's dead."

"He's already dead," said Steven. "I killed him myself." Steven described what he had done to Cletus and I was even more afraid of him. I sensed an opening that I could exploit. Buck had always been a boy scout. He could never condone that sort of thing.

"Buck, Honey, that's what I was trying to tell you. He broke in here. He stuck a gun in my mouth. He was going to kill me when you walked in. I admit that I made a mistake all those years ago, but I learned from it. I became a good and faithful..." I started to say before Steven interrupted me.

"She's lying again," said Steven. "I watched her for the past three days. I guess I wanted to see how the two of you were getting along and if you guys were still together. Just today I followed her home from the motel where she fucked two truck drivers." Buck looked at me even more angrily.

"Buck, I'm your wife," I pleaded. "Steven isn't even your son. I admit that I made a terrible mistake back then, but I was afraid of losing you. I figured that you and Cletus had the same hair color and eye color. I didn't think you'd ever find out. It's like that old saying, "Momma's baby, Daddy's ... maybe?" But I knew that you had more than enough love in your heart for him and you proved me right. Sure, I was afraid of the DNA testing. That was why I didn't want it. I didn't want to destroy our family. And I loved my son. But God help me, I didn't love him as much as I love you. Buck, I don't love anyone or anything as much as I love you."

"Except fucking other men, I guess," said Buck.

"That isn't true, Honey," I said. "It's an addiction. I'm sick. I just need therapy. It's like smoking, or drinking or gambling. I just need some sort of rehab. But I'm willing to go through treatment to keep our family together."

Buck looked at me as if I had just fallen out of the stupid tree. Then he just shook his head and walked up the stairs slowly. As Buck walked away, Steven, my son, smiled at me. But it wasn't a happy smile. That smile told me so much more. It told me that while Steven, had always loved being Buck's son, there was a lot of Cletus in him too. It told me that Steven was capable of cruelty or evil that Buck could never imagine. I tried to get up from the chair to follow Buck and plead with him to give me another chance. Then I realized that I was still duct taped to the chair. Steven's smile grew even broader. He just stared at me as if he was imagining everything he was going to do to me.

I recoiled in horror as I imagined the amount of anger he had built up towards me after a lifetime of abuse that he blamed me for. He had killed Cletus. He'd known at the time that Cletus was his biological father and he had killed him anyway. He had beaten Cletus to death with his bare hands. What would he do to me? He clearly felt that I was as guilty as Cletus.

Buck came back down the stairs with a suitcase and his duffle bag. Of all the ways this scenario could have played out, I had never imagined that Buck would ever leave me for any reason. He loved me for God's sake. Buck's unconditional love was one of the mainstays of my sanity. He couldn't just walk away and leave me with a murderer, could he?

"Come on Cap," he said. "We have to go. We have to get this all sorted out. We'll find a hotel for tonight and you can tell me the whole story. First thing in the morning we'll find a couple of good lawyers and..."

"But, didn't you hear me?" asked Steve. "I'm not your son." Steven was on the verge of tears.

"Says who?" asked Buck. "I was there when you came into this world. I cut your umbilical cord myself. I took care of you every day until you ... LEFT." He looked directly at me when he said that part.

"Right now both of us have our backs against the wall," continued Buck. "All we have is each other, so we have to stick together."

"What about me?" I said quietly, but not so quietly that they didn't hear me. They kept heading for the door, ignoring me. I hate to be ignored.

"Buck, if you leave me, I'll file attempted murder charges against Steven. He tried to kill me. He stuck that fucking gun in my mouth," I yelled. Steven turned to me and place the gun against his own head. He pulled the trigger and all I heard was a loud click.

"I don't have any bullets, Mother," he said. "I never intended to kill you. I just wanted to scare the shit out of you. I wanted you to feel some of the terror that my life has been. My only intention in coming here was to tell Dad, the kind of woman he married. Mission accomplished." And then they closed the door behind them.

Over the next few days, my life was hell. I called the school and took a leave of absence, citing family issues. There was no way I could work with the way I felt. Nothing seemed to matter to me anymore. I had my dream life with a man who loved me more than anything. And I had fucked it up.

I called Buck over and over, both on his cell and at work. He never answered. I left messages that he never returned. I drove by his office and was told that they couldn't give me any information on him. For three days I didn't hear a word from Buck. I wanted to die. I realized then that all of the dick in the world wasn't worth one of Buck's hugs.

I also had to admit that Buck wasn't really bad in bed, he was just ... predictable. But at that moment I wanted a dose of predictable like a man dying of thirst needs water. But if I thought that I was in hell being out of communication with Buck, I jumped out of the frying pan and into an even hotter frying pan.

I woke to find, as usual, that my God damned paper boy had thrown the newspaper behind my hedges instead of on the porch. I had to step onto the wet grass to pick up my soggy fucking paper and that put me in a bad mood. My mood worsened when I opened the paper and saw the headline. "Local man returns to town after fifteen year absence." That was the worst thing possible. I had wanted to keep the whole thing quiet.

As I stepped back up onto to my porch, calling the paperboy all kinds of names under my breath, a car pulled up on front of my house. A tiny, cheerful looking blond woman got out of the car with a package. It was a box almost like the ones they bring flowers in.

She had on a long pencil skirt that came down on mid calf. She wore five inch stiletto heels in a cream color that matched her sweater. As she came over to me I noticed that she was chewing gum and even cracked it a couple of times as she looked at a list of some sort.

"Are you Molly Rogers?" she asked cheerfully.

"Yes I am," I said. She handed me the box.

"You've been served," she said cracking her gum so loudly that it sounded like firecrackers. I opened the top of the box and looked at the papers inside of it. I almost collapsed. Buck had filed for divorce. I was stunned beyond belief. I knew he was angry at me, but I had expected for him to sulk for a while and then we would get together and talk about things the way we always did.

I needed to get myself a lawyer so I could fight this. I also decided to press charges against Steven anyway. I would do it as leverage to use against Buck. As I headed back for my porch again another car pulled up. This time it was a police car. The driver gave his siren one of those annoying little chirps to get my attention.

He got out of the car and came around on front of me. "Are you Molly Rogers?" He asked.

I nodded my head dumbly. I was in shock from the fact that Buck wanted a divorce. I simply couldn't imagine a life without him. We had been the perfect couple. We had gone through so many things together. I had sacrificed of much for him. It made no sense. I needed to talk to him.

"I need you to come down to the station with me," he said.

"I don't have time for any of that foolishness," I said in an annoyed voice. "I have problems to take care of."

"Lady," he said. "If you don't get your ass in this car, you're going to have even more problems."

I turned around to give him a piece of my mind. But the look on his face told me he was serious. "What do they want with me?" I asked.

"Ma'am you might want to get a lawyer," he sighed. "You're facing some very serious charges. You're not being arrested right now. But the prosecutor wants to talk to you. He wants to hear your side of this, before deciding on which way to go."

"Prosecutor!" I said in surprise. "Look, I did a really stupid thing. I regret it with every beat of my heart. But cheating on your husband isn't illegal. There are no laws against it."

"Lady, no one gives a damn who you spread your legs for except you and your husband. We're talking about kidnapping, conspiracy to kidnap, unlawful imprisonment and Felony child abuse," he said seriously.

My shock at finding out that Buck wanted a divorce was multiplied. And suddenly I realized who was responsible for all of my fucking problems. It was that God damned Steven. The primary thought going through my mind as the officer allowed me to dress, was that my son was a walking endorsement for abortion. I should have gotten rid of him instead of trying to pass him off as Buck's. Not only would Buck and I not have spent so many years fighting over whose fault his disappearance was, but we wouldn't be considering a divorce now. Well...Buck was considering a divorce. I was preparing to fight for my marriage. I dressed very conservatively, as befits a school teacher.

As we left the house, I suddenly realized the enormity of the trouble I was in. If any of those charges stuck, I could lose my career. On the other hand, I also stood a good chance of losing my marriage. I didn't want to lose either. But I'd quit in a heartbeat to stay married to Buck.

When we got to the station, I was hustled into an interrogation room, where a couple of men waited for me. They began asking me questions almost immediately. It wasn't like on TV. They didn't offer me coffee or a cigarette, they just launched in and started asking me questions.

"Mrs. Rogers, did you get any money in exchange for giving your son to Reverend Cletus?" asked one, a fat balding man with an apparent lack of manners and a mean streak.

"No," I said defensively. They threw a flurry of questions at me and I remembered how they handled situations like this on Hawaii five - O. "I want a lawyer," I said folding my arms across my chest.

"Just answer the God damned question," said the mean one.

"L - A - W - Y - E - R," I said.

"Fine Bitch," he snapped. "If you want to play hard ball, we can!"

"I don't think we can play HARD anything," I said calmly. "You look kind of soft to me. You look like you're so soft that your BALLS are made of PUSSY," I said.

He got so angry his entire face turned red. His colleague exploded in laughter and had to leave the room. "Put that bitch in a cell," he screamed.

About an hour later, a guy came Into my cell. If a man can be considered frumpy, that's what he was. "I'm your lawyer," he said almost as if it was a question.

"Great, I need you to do something for me," I said.

"Okay," he said curiously. "But we should be working on your case, shouldn't we?"

"No Honey," I said. "That will come a little bit later."

"What do you need me to do?" he asked.

"First, get me a better lawyer," I said. "You don't look like you've ever won anything and I can't afford to lose this one. As a matter of fact, I need two lawyers. One to keep me out of jail and the other to keep me from getting divorced. You can stay on to watch them. Maybe you'll learn something."

He looked dubious. "You know that if you can afford a lawyer, you don't need me, right?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said. "I was just trying to get you the ability to network with some real ambulance chasers."

"Hey, I'm a successful lawyer too. I help people. I make sure that everyone has an adequate legal defense," he said.

"Oh yeah," I dead panned. "Everyone in trouble, wants an adequate lawyer...NOT! They want the best, most vicious, take no prisoners, cut throat lawyer they can find. And you're throwing away your chance to to rub elbows with them."

He took off his glasses and wiped his nose with a dirty handkerchief. "Alright," he said finally. "I have a few classmates who went into private practice. Some of them are pretty ruthless. I could make a phone call."

Two hours later, a man walked into my cell. He looked at me up and down. He handed me a contract that was basically a schedule of fees.

"Why are there so many separate charges?" I asked.

"I get paid for every charge they drop," he said.

"Whatever," I said. He nodded and walked away.

He was back a half hour later. "Can you get me a better cell?" I asked.

"Nope," he said.

"But I thought you were a hot shot lawyer," I said.

"You don't need a better cell, you're sprung," he said.

"You got me out on bail that fast?" I asked.

"Nope, the charges are all dropped. You're free," he said.

"But how?" I asked as he handed me the bill.

"Most of the charges came from your husband and the kid," he said. "Your husband charged you with kidnapping, so the DA, who's up for re-election smells a juicy case. He goes for it and forgets a few things in his haste."

"What did he forget?" I asked.

"You can't kidnap your own kid. You had custody of the kid. You chose to give him to this Cletus guy. Your hubby isn't the kid's actual father so he had absolutely no rights unless you or Cletus died. Cletus had never given up his parental rights to the kid so he had just as much right to keep the kid as you did. Therefore, no kidnapping. As far as the conspiracy thing goes...two parents who both agree that the kid would be better off with the actual father is not a conspiracy, especially when the third party, namely your husband, once again has no parental rights to the kid. Unlawful imprisonment, doesn't work because every kid in the world at one time or another wants to get away from one or both of their parents. And lastly you can 't be charged with the child abuse, even though the kid had a really rough time of it, because you weren't down there with him. You had no knowledge of the way his father treated him."

"That's great," I said. "I guess it was worth the twelve thousand dollars. How much are you going to charge me for my divorce?"

"I'm not doing your divorce," he said.

"Why not?" I asked.

"BecauseBecause going to lose that one," he said. "There's no way to win it. And the DA doesn't like having his ass kicked. He's going to come after you with other charges."

"But I can just call you then, right?" I asked. He shook his head.

"Nope," he said. And he walked away. As he did so the guard gestured for me to leave too. I was a free woman. I had to catch a cab to get home and the taxi driver kept looking at me. When I got home, it just felt different. I went upstairs to take a shower and discovered that Buck had been there while I was in jail. He had taken the rest of his clothes and a lot of his personal things. I tried his cell phone and noticed that it went directly to voice mail.

I had been in jail over-night and I was exhausted but I needed a chance to talk to Buck before I could go to sleep. I stayed awake until I was sure that Buck would be at work. I called his office and his secretary hung up on me. I was sure it had been an accident or a lost connection, so I called her right back. She didn't pick up the phone for the second call. I went outside to try to figure out where the paperboy had hidden our newspaper that morning. I looked all over the yard and couldn't find it.