Dear Diary Ch. 04

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Part 4 of the 9 part series

Updated 06/07/2023
Created 08/22/2014
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Dear Diary,

I think sometimes as human beings we make things complicated when really it's the answers that are more important than the questions.

I know who I am and I know what I want.

If I just wanted sex, I know that toys and other people would work, my desire would fade and I could move on to the next thrill, the next taboo pleasure.

However, I crave my master. I want his unique domination, his gift of pain to me, creating the most honest and freest place I have ever known.

There is something about him, the way he seduces...the way he makes me desire more...every time...all the time. By the time he leaves me, a sweaty, sated heap of tangled limbs and scattered thoughts, I'm already plotting his next visit, my next fix.

Often, we tend to use words in which we lack true understanding: hunger, dying, aching, and burning. However, I now know what it's like to be consumed by something so dark, so addicting, so enlightening.

Like Alice, I've followed this rabbit hole down deep into submission, never stopping, never examining, this gradual darkening nature of my desires.

I burn for him when he is not here. I think about me being on my knees, his slave, obeying, submitting, even anticipating fulfillment. Craving the moment he decides to give me exquisite pain, fulfilling the ravenous hunger that never seems to be sated.

He makes the world brighter, my senses clearer, my very own Mad Hatter, leading the way into freedom, into dark bliss. I've long since given up trying to see the end of the path or the journey. I was asleep before I met him, yet now I'm fully awake and aware of what I need.

All I know is that life has become literally the answer to this question: Can I live without it?

Without feeling his domination to fulfill this ache, I know I would die the slow death of one who fails to live or take risks.

My master...my salvation...my destruction...my beginning...my freedom...my enslavement...

Like a moth, I eagerly seek his bright and dangerous promise of pain and pleasure.

I've swallowed my pride to follow him into this new world, the new experiences he offers so freely and openly.

Lying here, I remember him on top of me, helpless beneath his gaze, his desire. Feeling small in the scheme of things...in the thrall of lust and ecstasy.

Sometimes I want to let go of all of this...to walk away and gain more control, more sense of self.

It is in those moments that I give up, when I decide to walk away and feel more assured, more like myself, that he pulls me back into this-giving me everything and anything.

After a long time of not hearing from him, he texted and told me to get ready for him per previous instructions. Briefly, I thought about disobeying, but I needed the fix I've craved for so long.

I used the restraints on my bed to position my body on the bed, but not before I placed a large butt plug in my ass, nipple clamps on my nipples, and a blindfold over my eyes.

I listened eagerly for his footsteps as I heard the front door open and close. Waited impatiently as I could hear his belt being unfastened and his clothes hitting the floor. I licked my lips because I was eager for him, my pussy becoming wetter as the anticipation became unbearable. I felt the bed dip with his weight and I could feel his body heat above mine. He ran his hands up my legs, thighs, and pushed my legs apart even more.

My body arches as I feel his fingers play with my clit. He shows his mastery of my body as he makes me cum effortlessly. As I arch off the bed during my climax, I feel him moving up my body.

He removes the nipple clamps and proceeds to tease my tortured nipples further by biting them and sucking hard on them. He uses his fingers again to part my wet pussy folds to play with my wetness and my clit. Orgasm two comes quite quickly and I'm gasping for air.

He slides his fingers, wet from my climax, up my body and inserts them into my mouth. Straining against my restraints, I deep throat his fingers wanting to take everything he can give me. He removes his fingers and kisses me passionately, our tongues dancing and tasting. He sucks on my bottom lip hard during the kiss and I return the favor.

He removes the blindfold to then climb up my body so that his hips are by my face. He looks down at me and I return his gaze, knowing what's coming and wanting him to feel good.

I wet my lips and open my mouth so that he can move in and out of my mouth. I glance up to see him hold the bed board as leverage and a way to pick up speed. I take all of him inside my mouth, feeling my saliva wet his hard cock, making it much easier to take him deep within my mouth.

He plays with me like that for a while until he withdraws from my mouth and kisses me hard on the lips. He climbs down my body; stopping to suck on my nipples again, then kisses his way down my stomach. He kisses the insides of both my thighs and rubs my clit again.

Suddenly, I feel his tongue dart out and lick my clit. Startled, I whimper and pull hard at the restraints on the bed. He moves his hands under my hips and sucks hard on my clit. I hear myself screaming as I arch off the bed into his mouth. He teases me relentlessly and I cry, scream, and shake during the pleasure he gives me effortlessly.

When he wrings an especially intense orgasm from me, he stops momentarily to let me catch my breath and to roll on a condom. He unties my legs so that he can wrap them around his waist and kisses my right ankle before entering me gently.

"I love watching you cum," he rasps before he begins to fuck me. He begins to play with the butt plug in my ass. He turns the butt plug sharply to the left as he moves deep within me and I cum hard, clamping down on his dick inside me.

As he begins to fuck me harder, the butt plug makes my pussy tighter. I can feel an intense orgasm building inside of me once again and can feel him getting closer to his own climax. My pussy tightens around his dick and he leans down to thrust his tongue in my mouth, both of our groans swallowed by the other. He collapses on top of me and my mind berates me for being the worst kind of fool. Ignoring my voice of reason, I reach for him again, needing more, an addict of the worst kind.

There is no intervention for me. This isn't a love story. I won't wake up tomorrow and be able to make this about goodness, love, redemption, or light.

He is carnal, dark, commanding, unrelenting, and unapologetic. He attracts the darkness within me and I have ceased caring that he pushes me closer and closer to the edge of reason, very much aware I can never return to lie my life was before I met him.

I hate him, I need him, I crave him, and submit to him and him alone.

Even though I'm reluctant and often sulky, he is my master.

And I remain ever so truly-

His slutty submissive...

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