Death By Fucking Ch. 20

Chapter 20: Empathic Feedback

The Year Eight

Dee Dee’s Story

We’ve only been together nine years, but it seems like forever. My life falls neatly into two distinct eras: Before Andrew and the Andrew Years. The eras are so different that I feel like a totally different person.

When I was thirty-four, I was doing what I wanted, working at my chosen career and performing well. I was important to some people, mostly customers who I was assigned to help. But aside from Donnie, I had no friends, no lovers, no personal life at all. I was lonely.

And then Andrew appeared and for the longest time, all I had was personal life. But now things are changing again. In all the time since we were married, we hadn’t been apart for even a day. But business and other things have intruded. A foursome went to New York City the other day, mostly on business. But other things were also planned. It is the other things that have me so upset. Suddenly the Andrew Years seem threatened.

When this whole Jake-Donnie thing came up, I went limp and let Donnie have her head. A woman has to do what a woman has to do, I thought. When all this talk about sharing started, I suppose I was a facilitator. It was so out of left field that I really didn’t give it the consideration it deserved.

For a moment I tried to imagine myself in the role of adulteress and was repulsed by the thought. It was something that would be too dangerous to our marriage, too hurtful to Andrew, and so wrong for me. But for some reason I didn’t extrapolate the same results to Donnie.

If I’m honest with myself, I think I understand my inner motivation. I was first. I was the one who met Andrew, who seduced him, who loved him; first. I suppose I’ve always considered myself to be first wife. It’s selfish and I’m ashamed of myself. But it allowed me to suppose that what Donnie did outside the marriage wouldn’t mean as much.

Andrew’s just can’t say no to us. He will do anything we ask; anything. He sometimes appears to be the same way with the children but it isn’t true. He’s an easy-going person who can be a strict father when necessary.

We’ve known for a very long time that if we ask Andrew for something, he won’t think twice about giving it to us. It sounds like I am blaming Andrew but I’m really blaming ourselves. We sometimes take advantage of him.

But this Donnie-Jake thing places that on a different plane of existence. Andrew should have put his foot down. I should have put my foot down, I know it. I’m as guilty as either of them. Keeping one’s mouth shut is the path of least resistance. But it’s often wrong.

Andrew and Donnie are coming home today. So now I’ll learn how things went. They flew to New York two days ago. Helen and Jake stayed on since they have more meetings to attend. Andrew attended a few of the initial meetings to lend his weight to the event. My Andrew is a celebrity. People get a thrill just from meeting him. He recognizes this and sometimes uses it to our advantage, but it makes him uncomfortable.

I’m like people, I suppose. I’m getting a thrill knowing he will be here today. But I’m so scared. How will we handle this infidelity?

I don’t have any problem with Andrew being with Helen. Is that a double standard? I don’t think so. Andrew went along because that’s what he does with us. We ask and he delivers.

He isn’t unfaithful to us. He’s never unfaithful. If he went to bed with a million women, Andrew would be incapable of being unfaithful to us. He can never really look at another woman. We are his only addiction.

I have this man; this sweet, beautiful, adorable man. The entire world acknowledges that he is the sexiest man on earth, yet all he thinks of is us. He’s so wonderful. If we’ve hurt him I think I’ll die.

Andrew’s Story

Stepping onto a plane in New York and then stepping off of the plane in Savannah is a surreal experience. It’s like changing countries, changing eras.

I like New York. When I was a kid of maybe twenty-two I had my all-time best Italian dinner there at a little place off of 3rd Avenue on 53rd Street. Just shopping at some of the odd stores in the East Village is interesting. Walking around Greenwich Village is a trip.

I’m not trying to belittle New York when I say I was glad to get the fuck out of there. For a while I questioned if we’d make it out. During the cab ride from the hotel to the airport the driver thought he was in the Indy 500 and so did everyone else on the road.

But I had met who I had to meet, done what needed to be done. My wife and I needed to return to our real world for the sake of our sanity. It wasn’t New York, per se, that had me crazy. It was us, what almost happened. Sometimes I’m dumber than a post.

Donnie snuggled against me through the two and a half hour flight. She’s been very loving and affectionate since our little near-disaster of the other night, not that there’s anything wrong with that. In fact, I like it.

We grabbed the car out of long-term parking and made our way home. I love that old plantation that we acquired from Doris Johns. It was a wreck when we she gave it to us, but now it’s a great place to live. It’s become home.

I parked the car in the carport and we carried our luggage into the house. We were met in the kitchen by six happy little eKids, hugging us, kissing us, some of them even talking. They aren’t used to us being away.

Dee Dee was standing behind the kids smiling, but only on the surface. My wives have several levels of smile. This one was painted on the front of her face but didn’t reach her heart.

Donnie and I were still hugging the eKids when Emma disengaged herself, walked over to Deirdre and said, “Don’t worry, Momma, Donnie didn’t fuck Jake.”

I could see the look of relief in Dee Dee’s eyes. But I couldn’t let what Emma had said pass. I said, “Emmy, you aren’t supposed to use that word!”

She said, “But you use it Daddy.” I really hate it when a woman throws the truth in your face.

“That’s not the same thing. I use it only under very special circumstances, in private with your mothers.”

“But what about when you are together with Jake? Both of you say it all the time. And in the car, what about then?”

I hate to get in an argument with Emmy. There’s just no way to win it. And she’s only nine. When she grows up she’s going to be hell.

“Emma, adults know that that’s a word you never say in front of certain people. Can you understand that?”

Emmy hugged me and gave me a peck on the cheek. “Sure, Daddy, from now on I’ll know not to say ‘fuck’ in front of you. It makes you crazy.”

My wives laughed. My kids laughed. I know when I’m licked. “Kids, your mothers and I have to talk business. Would you please take a hike for awhile? Emmy, go jump off a bridge or find someone else to annoy, okay?”

The kids all ran off, except for Emma. She looked at me with those dangerously innocent eyes and said, “Daddy, don’t you like me to annoy you?”

I said, “For the time being, give me a break, will ya?”

Then she left to plan the destruction of the world or whatever else was on her agenda for the day.

I said to my wives, “Let’s go in to the living room and have a palaver.”

As we walked into the room, I noticed that Donnie and Dee Dee were holding hands. They have this ‘twin’ thing going. They are beyond close.

There’s this theory I’m working on. My theory is that maybe the move to the next generation wasn’t such a big evolutionary step after all. Maybe what the eKids have is just an extension of what many normal H. sapiens identical twins already experience.

I’ve seen accounts of studies done on identical twins that were separated at birth. Most of the time each twin didn’t even know that he had a clone running around somewhere. And yet their lives seemed to run on parallel courses.

I saw a story of twin brothers who married women with the same name, had the same number of kids, gave the kids the same names, and did the same job; all the while living hundreds of miles apart and not knowing that somewhere out there was a person just like them. But feeling there was something missing in their lives.

There is more going on there than coincidence. These people are in some way psychically joined.

Donnie and Deirdre are psychically joined too. Whatever seminal fluid I added to the mix was just enough to move the eKids to the next psychic level is all.

That’s my theory. IAM was already breeding for intelligence. Then this twin thing popped up. Through coincidence or fate or whatever, suddenly the psychic energy of the IAM girls started going through the roof because they were all identical twins. It was a combination of two very explainable phenomena that created New Man: breeding for intelligence and the psychic connection of some identical twins. All we did was force a breakthrough; make an incremental step in the right direction. Whatever was going on with twins became extended to everyone in the species; New Man, that is. Momentum was already on our side.

The real question is this: are the eKids the end result or merely a transitional phase? That one keeps me up at night.

The girls sat on one of the sofas but I remained standing. I needed to talk, maybe pace a bit. Sometimes I need movement to help me think.

I said, “Girls, I have a confession to make. Sometimes I can be a self-centered jerk. Sometimes I’m not as erudite as I appear. I do appear erudite, don’t I? Sometimes the things I do or say differ from the things I think or feel.

What I’m saying is: I screwed up. It’s this Jake thing. It was all my fault. Donnie isn’t to blame, I am.”

Donnie looked cross. “Andrew I thought we had been through this already. Will you stop being Mr. Nice Guy and acknowledge that you aren’t responsible for everything that goes wrong in this house? Sometimes other people mess up too, though not often.”

I’m so used to being the target of abuse by every female in the place that these little digs just bounce right off of me. But I had her this time. I know when I’m the culprit. This time itwas my fault. I figure if I can accept the blame, in a weird way I’ll be scoring points with my wives. That usually translates into good things, often of a sexual nature. Besides which, the blame does belong to me.

“Donnie, we agreed from the very beginning that we were going to be truthful about our relationship. We all agreed, right? When this Jake thing came up, I was less than truthful about my feelings even to myself. Not only that, I pushed you into it. Isn’t that true?”

She kind of shrugged her shoulders. “I had my eyes wide open. No one pushed me into anything. I’ll admit, whatever fantasies I had about Jake were mostly subliminal. I never had the slightest intention of acting on them. I never wanted to act on them.”

I said, “You see? I think we can agree that this is all Emmy’s fault. She brought the whole thing up in the first place. Want me to go out and beat the crap out of her?”

Deirdre said, “Andrew, Emma told the truth. It was you that made the jump of turning Donnie’s fantasy into reality.”

I agreed. “That’s what I was saying originally before I was so rudely interrupted. I guess I’ve always felt guilty about these IAM twins. I don’t want to be unfaithful to you. I don’t like being unfaithful to you. But still I feel like I’m being unfaithful to you. Does that make sense?

When the Jake thing came up, I thought it was small of me not wanting Donnie to be with Jake when I’ve been with a thousand other women. Besides which, an intellectual appraisal of relationships seems to indicate that love and sex are totally separate issues. Intellectually speaking, sex has nothing to do with love. At least that’s what I’ve been lead to understand. Jealousy has no place in a mature relationship.

But that’s not what it feels like to me. It’s my problem. I know it. Sex and love are aspects of the same thing, at least concerning my relationship with you two. I just can’t keep them separate. I know I’m immature. But I can’t handle sharing you with anyone. I’m sorry I’m so small-minded and selfish.”

Dee Dee was the first to respond. “All of us are old fashioned that way. The IAM thingis separate. It really doesn’t count. You do your job, we do our job, and IAM moves forward successfully. You can’t argue with success.

We don’t look at these IAM women with jealousy. We don’t feel you are cheating on us. Don’t buy into that guilt, Andrew. You shouldn’t.

We don’t mind that every woman who sees you lusts after you either. How couldn’t they? You are so gorgeous. But we have our insecurities. We will have a problem if you start to lust afterthem. We’ve always had this age thing in the back of our minds, especially Donnie, I think. It worries us. It makes us vulnerable.”

I just didn’t know how to address their concerns about age. I said, “Sweethearts, the only ones who care about our age difference are you. I’m in love with you; not your bodies, though they remain fabulous and wonderful. I’m in love with who you are and I always have been. Damn it, Dee Dee. I feel like we are going over ground that we discussed nine years ago. I don’t care how old you are. I don’t care what you look like. I’m helplessly, hopelessly in love with both of you. Nothing will ever change that. I could never be interested in any other woman.”

Dee Dee said, “But we are all guilty this time. The first rule of our relationship has always been to confront our problems head on. You’re right. You let this one slide, and so did I, and so did Donnie. It was one that could have really done some damage.

You pretend to be a sophisticate but you are really just a small town boy. Andrew, just be honest with us. If you need to say something, say it.

And I’m just as guilty. I should have opened my mouth. I realized too late that this was a big mistake. Apparently Donnie realized it in time, thank goodness. There is plenty of blame to pass around between the three of us. We need to recommit to openness and honesty.”

I said, “Well yeah, I guess. Our marriage has been going down so smoothly that we’ve been out of practice with confronting problems. This whole thing was about insecurity; Donnie’s insecurity about still being attractive and my insecurity about our sexual relationship. Dee Dee, I think you’re going along with this ‘age insecurity’ thing to show solidarity with your sister. In reality you have to be the most secure woman in the world, and I have to tell you that it’s pretty annoying.

Donnie said, “Okay, Andrew, we get the picture. Everyone accepts some blame for my screw-up and I thank you both. I promise to talk things over with both of you before making any stupid decisions in the future. We all agree, so let’s get off of this subject. I feel bad enough as it is.”

I said, “Okay, Donnie, don’t get touchy. There’s more we need to discuss. Ladies, we have some posts to fill. New Man University and the new technology company we’ve been working on are both getting ready to go. I didn’t bring this up before because everything was in the formative stages. But it looks like we are actually going to bring these things off, so now we need some executives.”

Donnie said, “Andrew you should be the lead executive, whatever title you choose. Most of this is based on your initiative.”

I laughed. “Yeah, right. Donnie, I’m sitting in a room with two PhD’s from Duke University. I’m a Bachelor of Arts from Low Life U. We need a university president. We need a corporate Chief Executive Officer. You two fit the bill perfectly.”

Deirdre objected. “Why us and not you? You’ve been the driving force behind this.”

I said, “First, if only for appearances, it will look much better if our university president has a PhD. Second, you two are the businesspersons in our family, not me. I’m along for the ride. It’s your area of expertise. The eKids do the heavy lifting, you two do the organizational stuff, and I lead the cheers. That’s the way it works in our family.”

Donnie said, “Why can’t you be a PhD? I’ll bet that Youngstown State would be eager to offer you an honorary PhD if you agreed to speak at commencement, something like that. You have to be one of their most distinguished alumni.”

I said, “That’s damning with faint praise. I can see the famous alums of YSU being introduced: Ron Parise, Astronaut; Ron Jawarski, nationally known sports commentator; Andrew Adkins, Doctor of Fucking. I don’t think so.”

Dee Dee was laughing. “I love the little side trips you take in your mind, Andrew. They always make me laugh. But I think this discussion of executive selection will have to wait. I’m not feeling up to it now.”

Donnie said, “Neither do I. I don’t feel right either.”

I was concerned. “What’s the matter, are you two getting ill? Are you going to be alright?”

They said in unison, “We need to visit the Fuck Doctor.”

I had to laugh. That’s me: Andrew Adkins, FD. Those two picked up my little word trip about Youngstown State and carried it to the next obvious step. But they didn’t even have to concur verbally. Each knew what the other was going to say. It’s eerie. It’s a twin thing. It doesn’t even surprise me anymore. Glad I’m their husband.

I’ve been with a thousand different women and not one of them has held a candle to either of my wives. Why would I want beans when I’m getting steak at home?

There’s more to it than that. I’ve heard people say that variety is the spice of life and yadda yadda yadda. Translate ‘yadda yadda yadda’ to mean: after a while in any relationship the sex can only be routine, the excitement of the early days fades away. Things become perfunctory, repetitive, boring. My only response is: bullshit!

It’s their skin, I think. My original chemical attractor theorem remains intact and apparently irrefutable. When I touch them every emotion I’ve ever had for them rushes back. Every time feels like the first time. I’ll never tire of them if we live to be a hundred.
My life is good.

Donnie’s Story

Although Dee Dee finds this ‘sexiest women’ thing vastly amusing, I find it thrilling. She laughs equally hard about Andrew’s inclusion on the sexiest male list. It tickles her to think that stodgy old married people like us could be so misconstrued by the general public.

But it makes me feel young. It makes me feel sexy. After all, isn’tPeople Magazine the official arbiter of what is young and sexy in America? At least that is what one is lead to believe. I want to believe it but sometimes I can’t.

My insecurities about not being young and sexy undoubtedly lead me to this near disaster with poor Jake. I don’t know what I can do to make it up to him. But I do know that I’ll try to make it up to Andrew.

Andrew is claiming responsibility for the whole thing. That is so like him. He has this exalted view of himself sometimes, like everything that happens in this family is his doing. He is trying to absolve me of all responsibility for my planned infidelity. If I had gone through with it would he still have been so gracious? Probably; but he’d still be hurting.

Ever since it happened I’ve been especially affectionate to him. It’s my guilt I suppose. I’m sure he is just playing along, waiting for me to return to my normal self.

Usually I like to kid him, poke fun at his strange ways, his verbosity, his childish theories and flights of fancy. He is such an easy target. What would America think if they knew the very odd person behind that beautiful face? I don’t know if I could be happy with a ‘normal’ person.

I’m not so sure that right now I want sex from the ‘fuck doctor’ (that’s going to be our private name for him for a long time to come, I can tell). What I want is skin-to-skin contact. It’s as if I need to be reassured of Andrew’s love by the act of touching. I’m so afraid that I had driven a wedge between us.