Deployment Pt. 02

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Husband moves out after blowout
5k words
4.19
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Part 2 of the 3 part series

Updated 10/31/2022
Created 05/27/2014
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javmor79
javmor79
2,281 Followers

I slept on the couch that night after the big blow-out. We didn't have money for a hotel room or another apartment like you hear in other stories. I was only an E5, not an officer. I guess my pay was equivalent to a person making about $17 an hour with no overtime. My plan was to pack the next day and move onto the ship. Why go to a hotel when I have a bunk to sleep in and a Galley to eat in on the mighty Mt. Vernon?

As I laid down on the couch, I was engulfed in the silence. It was more than just mere quiet. It was a lonely silence. I was like a manifestation of my family now. Empty. Without warmth. Devoid of life.

The next morning, I stuffed a few items of clothing and toiletries into my seabag. Alicia was sitting silently on the bed, staring straight ahead at the wall in front of her. Nothing was said. Not a word, a grunt, or a sniffle passed between us.

I guess there was nothing left to be said. As I packed I fought back the unshed tears. Everything that I put into my bad was another part of my life that was no longer a part of this family. Piece by piece, brick by brick, the strong foundation that my family was built on was removed.

She did look at me a couple of times like she wanted to say something, but then she would shake her head and stare back at the wall. There was nothing to be said. In a way, Savannah said it all last night. I was a shit father. I was gone, and Mr. Mike was here.

"You don't have to go." I heard her say in a barely audible voice. I stopped packing for a moment. I didn't look at her. I couldn't look at her. I just stood there, looking at my seabag full of clothes.

My brain raced, trying to formulate words. I just couldn't seem to find the right ones to express the torrent of pain and anger that was inside of me. I opened my mouth a few times in an attempt to speak, but nothing came out.

There we sat in our once happy bedroom. We were three feet away from each other, but we were miles apart. Neither of us could look at the other.

"I......I do still love you Jason."

You still love me? Did I hear that correctly? This bitch fucks another guy and all she can say is she still loves me?

The anger took over. It welled up inside of me. I was about to lash out and start the screaming again when I heard Savannah out in the hallway. Not wanting to put her through another episode of what happened last night, I swallowed the bile and I started packing again. Alicia, seeing the futility of any conversation, got up and left the room.

As I was walking toward my front door....her front door....I saw Savannah standing in the hallway watching me. I stopped and made eye contact with her, searching her eyes for the daughter that I left a year ago.

What I saw was a confused little girl who was in a lot of pain. She looked up at me with a face that was so angelic, yet so torn with emotions. Her eyes didn't have any tears in them, but I could tell she was a few moments away from breaking down sobbing. No matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't hate her. I could hate my unfaithful wife. But not her.

"No matter what happens, Savannah Banana, I just want you to know that I will always love you. You are my world."

Finally, the wall that had been built up cracked. The tears fell freely and she broke. My heart melted as she rushed over to me and wrapped her little arms around my waist.

"I'm so sorry daddy! I didn't mean it! Please don't go! This is all my fault!"

I dropped my seabag and hugged my little girl. There was no stopping my tears now. In my peripheral vision, I could see Alicia bring her hands up to her mouth as she watched the scene in front of her. I couldn't see her eyes, but I'm certain that she was crying.

"Sweetheart, I need you to listen to me." I pulled her away from and kneelt down so that I was eyelevel with her. As her tear soaked eyes met mine's, I could see into her soul. It was broken.

"This is not your fault. This has nothing to do with you. This is between me and mommy. We have to figure some things out and need some time apart. Don't you ever for one second believe that this is your fault."

Okay, so I lied. It actually was a little bit her fault. But are you going to tell an 8 year old that she was partly to blame for breaking up her family?

"I love you Banana. Just because I'm going to be sleeping on the ship doesn't mean that you're not ever going to see me."

She hiccupped and swung her arms around my neck, gripping me tightly. "Last time you went on the ship you never came back."

Fuck. What do you say to that?

I calmed her down and promised to be back tomorrow. There was nothing that could be said. I would just have to show her.

Life limped on for a few months. I did manage to visit Savannah almost every day. She became the little girl that I left behind, albeit a lot sadder. I took her out to eat, we went to movies, I even took her to Lego Land (those out in California should know about Lego Land). We became the dynamic duo. As sad as this situation was, I was growing closer to my daughter than I had in years. It's sad that it took this for me to realize that I wasn't as attentive to her as I could've been. Since we had to move out here to San Diego, she's been basically alone. I didn't realize just how lonely she felt. All of her cousins, her family, her friends, were back home. Alicia and I were all she had. Then, with me going out to sea, she was left vulnerable. Kind of like an open wound. Maybe if I'd been more attentive to how lonely my girls were, Mr. Mike wouldn't have stood a chance. Maybe.......

I had to cut myself off right there. That bitch cheated. Not me. I can forgive my daughter. She's eight. She doesn't have the full capacity to understand what she's feeling. But the cunt that I married knew EXACTLY what she was doing. She let that asshole infiltrate my family and weave himself into their lives. She allowed him to worm his way between her legs and into their hearts.

As for Alicia and I, we were as cordial as we could be in front of Savannah. Though our brief conversations were dripping with fake pleasantries, we kept up the appearance of a united front. The hurt and the pain was brimming beneath the surface, but we held it together.

I still was unable to look her in the eyes when we were in the same room. My mind filled with so many questions that I both needed to know but didn't want to hear. On top of that, looking at her just drove home what I lost. With her new found hotness, it was difficult for me to not be regretful.

On a few occasions I could feel that she was gathering the courage to get "that conversation" started. You know, the one where we figure out what the hell we were doing. When I felt the build-up towards it, I found a reason to leave the room. I know it was a bit childish, but I wasn't ready yet. Plus, I wanted her to stew in her misery for a little bit. The uncertainty was miserable for her, and that made me want to draw it out. I didn't want her to feel the relief of "getting it off of her chest". I definitely wasn't ready to absolve her.

When I wasn't with Savannah, I was making myself busy on the ship. Many people think that once a ship is docked, that there is nothing left to do until it is ready to go out on deployment. That couldn't be furthest from the truth. The equipment still has to be maintained and tested. Upgrades have to be added. Classes are taught about some of the changes that are being made to policy. And that is just the technicians. Every Rate (job) has their own set of tasks that have to be done to keep the ship deployment ready.

Right before my ship was about to leave out for a month, I got a call in the shop that my wife was here to see me. Fuck! Being that she came to ship, I couldn't ignore her and blow her off. If I did, everyone would just have to know why. On the ship, it is best to keep your ship life and family life separate. The Navy tends to stay out of family life, but once you invite them into your problem, it becomes an even bigger problem. So I had no choice but to go down to the Quarter Deck (main entrance) to meet her.

"Can we finally talk? We can't just go on like this forever." Wow. Straight and to the point. I nodded, but didn't say anything. She was right. We couldn't go on in this sort of limbo. One way or another, we needed to put our cards on the table and hash this out. It was time.

"Let's go to Tony's and get a couple of slices of pizza. Then we can talk."

So there we sat across from each other. Neither one of us knew how to get the ball rolling. This talk seemed like a good idea a half hour ago.

I finally got up the courage to ask the million dollar question that'd haunted me for months now. "How many times have you fucked him?"

She actually had the gall to flinch at the word "fuck", like it was crass. What the hell did she think they were doing? Making love?

"I don't.....think that matters Jason."

"Like hell it doesn't."

"Would it change anything if it were once or a hundred times?"

"Humor me Alicia. You owe me this. You don't get to decide what information is important for me to know. "

She nodded her head sadly. "A few times"

"How many times is a few? 3, 4, 10?"

"God, I don't know Jason! Four, maybe 5 times."

I softly tapped my knuckle on the table. In my mind's eye, I pictured them rolling around in the bed. Naked. Sweaty. Fucking. She sat across from me, wringing her fingers nervously.

"Did you guys do it in our bed?" She nodded softly and lowered her eyes. That mental image made me want to throw up. Suddenly, I wasn't hungry for pizza anymore.

"Was he better than me?"

That snapped her head up. She looked at me with a face of disbelief. "Really Jase?"

I just looked at her. I didn't answer her, but my expression told her that I wanted an answer.

Suddenly, her expression turned sinister. She contorted it into an antagonizing smile. "What do you want to know? If he had a bigger dick than you? If he fucked me longer than you? If I screamed his name while I came? Is that what you want to know?"

My shocked expression must have betrayed me, because she knew she was on a roll. "Maybe you want to know what positions we used. Did he fuck me doggy, or did I go cowgirl on him? What about dick sucking? Do you want to know if he came in my mouth as I sucked on his dick? Does it turn you on to think about that? Huh? Are these really the questions that you want to know, or do you want to actually get to the root of our problems?"

I began to get some of my bravado back. "The root of our issues is that you FUCKED another man Alicia. If you think that picturing you in OUR bed with that asshole is a turn on, then you are dumber than I thought. I just need to know what could possibly make you throw away our life together. "

"YOU WERE GONE! YOU LEFT ME HERE, WITH NO FAMILY, NO FRIENDS, AND I HAD NO IDEA WHEN YOU WERE COMING BACK!"

She yelled so loudly that everyone, including the kitchen staff, were looking our way. She must have noticed too, because she recovered herself and spoke in her normal voice.

"I didn't mean for it to happen this way Jase. I swear to God I didn't. I just missed you so much that it hurt. I had no one. My life revolved around Savannah and waiting for a telephone call. Then Mike came along and...and he was so easy to talk to. I was so lonely that I just gravitated to him. I enjoyed having another adult to interact with. I had no intention of being more than friends with him. Then, he met Savannah and he was so good to her that I just let my guard come completely down. Before I knew it, we were........dating."

The anger that I'd felt came rushing back with a vengeance. It was like burning magma in the pit of my stomach.

"By 'dating' you mean fucking, don't' you Alicia?"

"No Jace. I mean dating. Going to movies, out to eat, to Disney land. Just hanging out and having fun."

"When did the sex enter the picture?"

She began to look embarrassed. Not able to meet my eyes. She wiped her tears away with the back of her hands.

"A couple of months later I guess. I think it was around the time that you were supposed to be home the first time. Maybe the 6th month. I remember thinking that I wished you were here because I was so horny. Then he showed up and it......just happened."

I let out a sarcastic laugh at that. It just happened. How quaint. How convenient. She wasn't to blame. It just happened. Like a car blowing an engine. It was completely out of her control. Just chemistry, human biology, and bad timing. Not to mention the big bad husband who neglected his poor, lonely wife.

"That's just great Alicia. So while I am off, SERVING MY COUNTRY, you were 'dating'." I used my fingers to indicate the quotations at "dating".

"It wasn't about the sex. We didn't do it on a consistent basis. If it happened, it happened. Our relationship was more about being together. I tried to keep him as just a friend, but things happened. I never meant for it to get out of hand."

"So this is the part where I'm supposed to feel bad for you, right? Where I'm supposed to understand where you're coming from. I'm not supposed to think you're a whore because it 'just happened'. Is that what you expect?" She snapped her mouth closed and let didn't try to speak again.

I could see that my words cut her, but I didn't give a fuck. Now it was my turn to throw words at her for shock value.

"Since you two were 'dating', tell me, how many dates did it take for him to tap that ass? If memory serves me, I was balls deep into you on the first date. I'm just wondering if marriage has made you any less of a slut than you were back then."

Her shocked, pained expression let me know that my words hit a bullseye. They shot straight to her heart. Good. Her eyes filled with tears and her bottom lip trembled. I couldn't help but to feel a little bad about hurting her like that, but at the same time I felt a little vindication. She is only feeling a portion of the pain I feel at the knowledge that my wife was "dating".

"Look Jase" she started, but she was too close to tears. She had to cut herself off because of the frog that lumped in her throat. "I know that I hurt you. I'm more sorry about that than you'll ever know. I really am. But......but we have to figure out where we go from here. This place where we are isn't good for Savannah. She is confused and I don't know what to tell her. She needs to know where this is going. We all do."

We sat there for a few moments in silence as I calmed down. As much as I hated to admit it, I couldn't dispute that she was right. I would've liked nothing more than to drag this agony out for Alicia, but I knew that Savannah was suffering too. It was time to put my big boy pants on and suck it up. I simply nodded, letting her know that I agreed with her.

"What is it that you want Jase? What do you need from me?"

There is was. That was the conundrum. What did I want? All of this time, I never asked myself that question. I know that seems silly, but it never really occurred to me to actually figure out what it is that I wanted.

"I don't know." I mumbled.

This time she nodded. She took a sip of her Dr. Pepper and looked me in the eyes. God, she was so beautiful. For a split second, I wanted to reach out and kiss her. But I didn't.

"There is one thing I need to know Alicia. Do you love him?"

She punched me in the gut when she broke eye contact again and looked down at her hands. That told me everything I needed to know. For some reason, it no longer mattered how much they fucked or if he was better than me. That one fact trumped everything else.

"Yes. I do love him. I'm going to be completely honest with you. I never set out to be a cheater, but I fell in love with him."

She looked deep into my eyes, gauging my response. I sensed that she was silently pleading with me to understand this situation, to come to some sort of consensus. But if this bitch thought that I was going to excuse her cheating and make it okay, she is dumber than I thought she was.

"Look Jase. I fell in love with him. Yes. But I love you more. You are my first love, and I will always love you. If you could find it in your heart to fight for us....for me....I would give myself to doing the same. I haven't seen Mike since you got back. I told him that it was over a week before your ship pulled in. I was...am...prepared to never see him again. I will devote my EVERYTHING to making my marriage work, and I will make this right by you. "

Those pleading eyes. They were searching me, begging for a way back into my heart. I felt myself begin to thaw. My God! My heart wanted nothing more than to just grab her and whisk her home. I wished so badly that things could go back to the way they were.

But how can she make this right by me? How could we move on? She fell in love with another man. No matter what we did in the future, that fact would haunt our relationship forever. I would forever know that her love was not exclusively mine. I could get past the sex. After all, I've been gone for an entire year. If she had a fling, a "West Coast Widow" moment, I could eventually put that in the rearview. Hell, if I'm being honest, had I been anywhere else except on a ship full of guys I might have been tempted to search for a little side piece myself. But she fell in love. Not only did she give her body away, she gave her heart too. On top of that she allowed this asshole to worm his way into my daughter's heart. NOW THAT HURT. No matter how hard I tried, I could never get past that. How could she expect me to?

I think she saw the emotion play out across my face. She knew where I was leading. I saw the disappointment in her eyes. The last ray of hope had burned out. We both knew it.

"I'll call legal and get started with the divorce."

__________________________


Exactly one year after "the night of discovery" I sit here on the ship with the divorce papers in my hand. Signed, sealed, delivered. I know that this sounds funny, but the reality that my marriage is over is just now starting to sink in. I don't know how long I stared at her curvy feminine signature at the bottom of the last page.

The tears overwhelm me and my body starts to shake violently as I sob harder than I ever have before. They were loud, gasping sobs. I cried so hard that I had to make myself take a breath. Luckily, I'm in the shop all by myself so there is no one to witness my "moment". Seeing Alicia's signature on that line was more powerful than any embarrassment that I would have felt at crying in front of another man.

This past year has been a roller coaster of highs and lows. On the one hand, my relationship with my daughter has never been better. I have learned more about her than I knew possible. I was looking for the daughter that I left to go on tour for a year, but what I found was that I hardly knew that girl. Savannah talks a mile a minute. I mean, she doesn't let up. I have never laughed as hard as I did while listening to her when we spend time together.

On the other side of things, the burning heart ache of looking at my beautiful wife.......ex-wife.....and not being able to have her is too painful for words. When I go to pick up Savannah for some father/daughter bonding time, I have to sit in what used to be my apartment with Alicia. When I'm away from her it's easy. You know, out of sight out of mind. But when I'm in the same room as her; smelling her perfume, watching her ass as she bends over to get things out of the refrigerator, admiring her face as she uses her fingers to gently guide an errant wisp of hair out of her face, a knife rips through my chest and plunges into my heart. It is just torture.

My pain reached its apex on an afternoon right before the divorce was going to go through. She sat me down and told Savannah to go outside for a moment to give us a chance to talk. I knew that I wasn't going to like where this was going by the look in her eyes. They were filled with regret and anxiousness.

javmor79
javmor79
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