Dick Dickson's Hetero Horoscopebyjthserra©
Dick Dickson's Hetero Horoscope for Sunday, September 4th
FORCAST FOR THE WEEK
A waning moon in Pisces limps into the week reminding us to be sure to renew our viagra prescriptions.
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
Love by the light of the moon can be invigorating, just be careful in the dim light and make sure you know what you are ramming into or onto. If you happen to be with a Sagittarius, slide your cock between her saggy tits and feel the heaven of that soft, smooth flesh. Women, beware of the Scorpio's cock, without enough lube he'll make your ass sting. It's a good time to make a change, perhaps try a new vibrator setting.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
Beware of your boyfriend's bullshit, if necessary whip out a tape measure. Guys, be on the lookout for a Virgo, her cherry will be especially sweet today. Ladies, perhaps try fucking in a swimming pool with an adventurous Aquarius. A good day to try to break a record, just be careful where you break it, cum can leave a residue on porous surfaces.
GEMINI (May 21-June 21)
Music will be very inspiring to you today, perhaps try playing some musicians flute today. He may appreciate it more than you think. Guys, a Pisces girlfriend's aroma may be on the fishy side today, better to slip her your cod than feast on her tuna salad. Ladies, wrap your legs around a Leo as he thrusts his cock into you, he'll growl in appreciation. Don't worry if you are alone tonight, the best lover can be simply a few, well-placed fingers.
CANCER (June 22-July 22)
A last second change of plans can be a good thing, especially if you have a feeling. Try grabbing your guy's cock, forcing him onto his back and taking him for a drive. Guys, have your Libra read something sexy to you as she rides your cock, just be sure it's a paperback or you may have a read headache when she comes. Today, financial opportunities will abound, take a hooker to lunch.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)
You are especially generous today, just be sure the subject of your generosity is a willing participant, it's not a good day to be in a jail cell. Those Gemini twins are scrumptious; perhaps today you'll try that threesome, be sure and savor the differences. Ladies, don't bend over in front of an Aries today, they may mistake you for a sheep and ram away. Guys, beware the Cancer with PMS, they can really be crabby. Avoid thinking with your cocks and cunts today.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
People don't really believe all of you are virgins, so quit pretending and start fucking. Ladies, today may be a good day to be corn-holed by a Capricorn, so carry an extra tube of lube. Guys, Aries women will love ewe if you take them doggy style, especially if you reach around and play with her clit as you ram her. Today can be especially fruitful, so don't forget the birth control.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
It's time to dream that impossible dream. Leap onto that Scorpio's desk, lift your skirt or whip out your cock and dare them to nibble your nub or swallow your schlong. It's also a very good time to consider a career change, perhaps something in the mental health field. Whatever you do, quit reading and start fucking and sucking.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Today is a good day to take control, put on your finest leather, strap a collar onto your lover and demand satisfaction. When shopping be sure and pick out a new crop or cat. Ladies lasso a Taurus and tie him up in knots, wrap his balls tight and he'll be thanking you for hours. Guys, splash your hands onto the sweaty ass of your lady Aquarius, she'll stay wet for you. Be careful not to lose the keys to your handcuffs.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
One word: condom, one is good, two is better. I don't give a fuck how good he or she looks to you, they are definitely double baggers. Guys, forget the viagra… this is the one day a limp dick is a friend. Ladies, cross your legs at the knees and ankles… and toes. Make new friends today, just don't fuck them.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan 19)
Don't be wishy-washy, if you want something just come right out and tell someone. You'll be surprised how often you'll get your way, unless you are with a Sagittarius. Ladies, try that new oral technique you read about on a Pisces, it will be better than sushi. Guys, when you fuck your Leo from behind, lean over and nuzzle her neck, she'll purr for you. Exercise a little, that wheezing during sex gets annoying.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Stop letting the little things bother you; concentrate on the really big issues. Yes ladies, that bulge in that Cancer's pants is for real, perhaps this is the big issue you need to wrap yourself around. Guys, quit bragging, just because you fucked a Gemini with a multiple personality disorder it doesn't mean you had a threesome. Don't let it bother you if a Sagittarius won't let you do anything with them, they're fucking hypochondriacs.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)
Avoid intellectual solutions to a situation; just fuck whoever you are with. Ladies, when you meet an Aries, don't shake his hand, shake his cock instead… Did I mention I was an Aries? Guys, when a Libra comes up to your desk, tell her you're a Scorpio, trust me, you'll love it. And hey, don't waste your time on a Sagittarius, they're fucking nuts!