Dogfight

"Ya know, Doc. I was thinking of her when I got hit. I wonder what that means."

~~~~~

The Colonel was proud of Corporal Billy. He was almost religious with his therapy and continually encouraged the other patients in their therapy. All the nurses seemed to be in love with him but he was oddly hesitant.

Once, he asked Billy about it.

"Hell, Doc," he started, almost blushing, "I'm afraid of girls now. I have this dream that I'll fall in love with a girl and she will treat me the way I treated that gal I told you about. I thought losing my foot would bother me but that ain't nothin'. How do I become good, doc? How do I?"

Billy was almost crying and the Colonel could see he really wanted to change. He called a friend of his that was the Dean of students at the University of Chicago.

~~~~~

Billy was so used to his prosthesis by now that he rarely thought about it. It was just part of getting dressed each day. When he had enrolled at the University of Chicago they had asked him if he wanted a handicapped sticker for his car but he just laughed.

It was funny going back to school. Most everyone was younger than him and he watched the shallowness of the relationships and felt sad. But he kept thinking back to the way he had treated Jenny Lynne and vowed that he would always treat women with respect -- whether they deserved it or not.

Billy dated some but he was struck by how self-centered the girls were ... almost as bad as he used to be. He was lonely but he wanted a woman with some character, someone he could talk to ... a partner.

It could have gone on a long time like that. Billy was starting to become a loner again -- and he didn't like that. His dreams at night were more and more about that stupid dogfight dance at that damned frat house. Sometimes he would see Jenny as she was changing clothes. Sometimes -- and these times he would wake in a cold sweat -- he would see her face as he said those awful things to her.

He would lie there in the night, thinking about that quote by Elizabeth Bowen:

... it is not only our fate but our business to lose innocence, and once we have lost that it is futile to attempt a picnic in Eden.

That was fine for him but why had he taken the innocence of Jenny?

~~~~~

Then, that fateful day.

Billy had become friends with Tom Crudep. Tom taught one of his classes and was a couple of years older than Billy. They had become fast friends and spent a lot of time together. Over a beer one night Tom invited him to go to Rockford for the Christmas break.

"It will be a lot of fun, Billy. You can meet my family and friends. Rockford is a great little city. You've been working too hard on your studies and you really need a break. Hey, maybe I'll set you up with a date with my little sister, well, she is actually my stepsister, but she is totally smart!

Billy finally gave in and made the trip to Rockford. He would be staying at Tom's parents house -- a room was all set up.

Billy was worried that he might not fit in but everyone was wonderful. He actually felt smothered by the love that was given him. His family had never been close so he was enchanted by the affection they openly shared with each other ... and with him.

The second day Billy was in Rockford, Tom asked him for a favor.

"My little sister is coming over in a bit -- you haven't met her yet. We always celebrate Christmas with a big dinner and then open presents. I know you don't have anything to give but don't worry about it. Here, sit in front of the fireplace -- I'll get you a glass of hot eggnog. A little splash of brandy work for you? And, Billy, be nice to my sis, she's had a hard life. The rest of us are going out caroling -- we do it every year, kind of a tradition. Mom will be in the kitchen doing the final preparation for dinner if you need anything.

CHRISTMAS EVE

So Billy sat there staring into the dying embers of the fire. There were some logs stacked in a carrier so he picked a couple and added them to the remaining coals. Watching the fire rising anew from the ashes he was struck with the analogy: could he resurrect his life as he had resurrected the fire? Could he start over again and fix his mistakes?

He saw the face of Jenny years ago as he rejected her so coldly and she turned away in horror ... and tears came to his eyes.

~~~~~

He felt the hands gently touch his shoulders.

A soft voice murmured, "Hello Billy."

Startled, he turned and gasped with some degree of horror at the beautiful apparition in front of him.

"Jenny! Is that you? But, what? How?"

"Yes, Billy, it's me. I'll explain everything later."

Billy fell to his knees in front of her. Jenny was stylishly dressed and was having anything but a bad hair day. She was beautiful! She had filled out some and had a glow about her.

"Oh, God, Jenny. I'm so sorry, so sorry!"

With that Billy wrapped his arms around her knees and wept.

Jenny looked down at him with drops of sadness in her eyes.

"It's okay, Billy. You aren't the same person you used to be." With a bit of a bite in her voice, she continued, "You really weren't very nice, Billy."

She pulled him up and sat next to him on the sofa.

"Billy, Tom is my stepbrother. He figured out right away who you were and he feels you have changed; that you are mature now and not at all like you used to be.

"I don't know what is going to happen but you need to know, you have a son! His name is William but we actually call him Billy. I wanted to talk to you before everyone -- and your son -- comes in.

"Little Billy needs you in his life -- I hope you can do that. As for me, well ... I try not to be bitter, but ..."

Billy looked at the fire, burning more brightly now that the end of a log had fallen on the coals. His soul in torment, he sat there thinking, "A son! I had no idea ... and Jenny -- she was so lovely now."

He turned to look at her, her face calm in the reddish light thrown out by the fire, "Jenny, how you must hate me."

"I did hate you. When I heard you were in the war I prayed that you would die. Then when Billy was born I felt different. None of this was his fault and I started praying that you would live. I came to believe strongly that both you and him needed each other in your lives.

"Billy, I'll never stand in the way of your seeing him."

Billy looked down at her hand then in her eyes, the question unspoken.

"No, Billy, I'm not married -- there is no one in my life but my son ... our son."

"Oh, God, Jenny. I sorry, so sorry for the awful things I did to you."

"Billy, I have to tell you, the day someone told me what that trophy was really for -- I wanted to die. I mean, I really wanted to die. It was bad enough all those ... things you made me do but then to find out I was the ugliest girl! Then I thought of the new life in me and I knew I couldn't do it.

"Tom figured out that the day you were hurt was the same day Billy was born. That seemed kind of freaky for a while then I started thinking maybe it was a sign ..." her voice trailed off as she looked over at the tree with all the presents stacked around it.

Jenny looked up again, "Billy, I really was in love with you. When I gave myself to you that first night I thought it was forever -- then to find out I was just another of your conquests ... to be tossed aside when you were ready."

There was a rush as a small boy ran in and came to an abrupt halt in front of Billy. He climbed up Billy's leg and curled up on his lap, staring at his mother.

Billy looked in awe at the beautiful creature in his arms. He looked at Jenny with a "What do I do now?" glance, but she just ignored him and left the room.

A few minutes later there was the noise of a bunch of people coming in the door, laughing, taking their heavy coats off. Tom came in the room and looked at Billy with a smile, "I guess you met little Billy. What do you think?"

"Hey, Tom. Do you think I should be holding him? I mean ... well he's a little boy and I don't really know what to do."

"You're doing fine but let's go on into the dining room. I think everyone is ready to eat." With that Tom picked up the small child and tickling him, led the way into the dining room.

Billy was sitting at the end of the large table with Jenny, and with the toddler in between them in his high chair.

Tom's stepfather said grace:

"Dear Heavenly Father, we thank thee once again for this gathering of family and friends at this special time of the year as we remember the special meaning of Christmas. We thank thee for our blessings and the food we share and be with those who have need of your counseling.

We have a new friend visiting us tonight, Billy, who proudly represented our country in this long war. We ask a special prayer for all of those away from their families serving in the military and for their families at home.

Amen."

Billy heard several people add their own amens, then everyone started singing the first stanza of "Silent Night" -- he guessed from the spontaneity that it must be part of the family Christmas tradition.

Silent night, holy night, All is calm, all is bright. Round yon Virgin Mother and Child. Holy Infant so tender and mild. Sleep in heavenly peace, Sleep in heavenly peace.

With that everyone sat down and with much laughter and chatter, started passing around the platters of traditional Christmas food.

The meal was a revelation for Billy -- his family didn't have this same closeness and openness with each other. Everyone made sure to include him in the various conversations and frankly asked him about his prosthesis. He was surprised about this at first since most people found it embarrassing to talk about.

He was also delighted to find them all proud of the men serving their country -- he saw none of the hate for the men and women he found at the university in Chicago.

Billy was a bit befuddled when, after cutting up some turkey in smaller pieces, Jenny asked him to feed Little Billy. He felt clumsy at first but then made a game of it. He held the spoon out and slowly brought it to Billy's mouth making sounds like an airplane. The baby laughed at this - or laughed at him -- Billy wasn't too sure.

When the meal was over, he saw everyone taking stuff into the kitchen so he did the same. It was amazing to Billy how fast everything was cleared up.

They then traipsed into the decorated living room. A pitcher of eggnog was there with a decanter of brandy for those who wanted a little extra Christmas cheer. He sat down on the sofa and his son ran right to him and crawled up on his lap again and Jenny settled in next to him. He still felt uncomfortable around her, guilty really, but everyone made him so welcome that he gradually relaxed.

He wasn't expecting any presents but was overwhelmed that almost everyone gave him a Christmas card. The many kids opened their presents first then gradually the adults. It wasn't like the way it was at Billy's house. There everyone just dove in and ripped at the wrapping paper.

Here, even with the kids, one present was opened at a time and it was held up and shown around. There would always be a hug or a kiss exchanged.

Billy teared up and almost lost it when his son brought him a package and handed it to him.

"Daddy," he said as he stuck it out with his tiny hands. Then as kids are wont to do, he helped take the wrapping off. Inside was a beautiful pair of Italian leather gloves -- gray and velvety soft. Jenny reached over and squeezed his arm and gave him a smile.

When all the exchanges had taken place, people visited for a while and gradually left for their homes or one of the many rooms in the large old Victorian house. Jenny went off to put her son to bed.

Tom poured a glass of the brandy and sat down to talk to Billy.

"So how did you like our little Christmas gathering?" he asked Billy, laughing a bit over the "little" part.

"It was never like that with me. Oh, everyone loved each other, but this family has such a sense of love and joy ... it was just beautiful. Thanks for bringing me over. And to find out I have a son! I still can't get my head around that."

"Billy, I don't know what's going to happen. You hurt Jenny a lot and she is just now accepting that she isn't ugly. When her dad died and her mom married my dad, my sister took her in and taught her about how to dress, take care of herself. The hardest thing has been building up her confidence.

"I know this is all a bit of a shock for you so I won't ask what you are going to do. Jenny is adamant that she wants you to be a father for little Billy. I've talked to her a lot and some days she hates you and some days I swear she loves you. Again, I ask that you not hurt her and that you go slowly with her -- particularly anything physical. You are the only man she's been with so she really isn't very experienced.

"I watched you with your son and I don't think there will be any problem there. It was funny to watch how you so quickly moved from being shocked to clearly loving the boy."

"You've been a real friend Tom. I hope I've grown up. I have to confess I was also shocked when I saw Jenny -- she is really a beautiful person ... and I mean that in all the obvious ways.

"I know I hurt her and it won't be easy to gain her trust -- if I ever do. Tom, I'm really sorry how I hurt her. It has been bothering me for years. Tonight has almost been like she was the ghost of Christmas past. I promise I'll do my best and if you ever see me dong the wrong thing, let me know."

Billy didn't see Jenny anymore that night so he went on down to the basement where his room was.

CHRISTMAS DAY

Billy woke early the next morning. Someone had gotten up and made a big pot of coffee so he filled a mug and went into the living room. The stuff was there to build a fire so he took a little license and carefully laid the tinder and logs in place and lit the tinder. In no time there was a cheery fire warming the room and making him feel cozy.

He had dreamed about the dance at the frat initiation party and woke feeling somewhat down, even a little depressed. He had lain awake for a long while realizing that he cared for Jenny. He now knew what a special person she was. But he didn't see any way that she could forgive him. He thought some about calling a taxi and taking the train back to Chicago but ... well those big blue eyes of Little Billy haunted him. Now that he knew he had a son, how could he walk away from him?

He heard a step in the hallway and rose as he saw Jenny enter the room - wrapped in an oversized robe and carrying her own mug of coffee. He walked hesitantly towards her, not knowing exactly what to do. Jenny solved that by giving him a quick kiss on the cheek and a soft, "Merry Christmas."

They sat down next to each other on the sofa, both of them staring at the fire, neither of them knowing what to say.

Finally Billy turned to her and started to say, "Jenny, I'm ..."

"No, Billy. Let's not do that anymore. I do believe you regret what you did and I also believe you have changed. Tom considers you a good friend and that's a pretty good recommendation for me.

"Let's just accept that we are both sorry for what happened. But, Billy, it did happen and we can't change that. Let's just start with the here and now -- and that's the baby. I won't pressure you but Billy needs a man in his life ... he needs his father.

"I would like for you to see him regularly. So what do you feel?"

"Jenny, I love him! What can I say? I had no idea he even existed until last night but then I lay awake a long time just saying over and over to myself, I have a son. I have a son. Yes, I'd like to see him as much as you will let me -- and as much as I can.

"But, Jenny, do you like me enough to have me around when I visit?"

"Billy, I think I do like you ... it's just, I don't know. Give me some time. I mean, give me a lot of time. I sure don't want to rush into anything ... and Billy, I think ... well, I think I'm a bit afraid of you. You were so rough with me that morning."

With that, Jenny started crying and rushed from the room muttering something about " ... taking care of the baby."

Billy sat there staring into the fire, feeling a sadness creep over him. He made a commitment then that he would always be respectful to Jenny and just let things happen as they would.

Billy stayed with the family for a week before going back to school with Tom. He saw his son everyday and they were beginning to feel more and more comfortable with each other. Little Billy was very physical with him, always giving him hugs, putting his arms around his dad and sitting on his lap. At first it felt strange for Billy but after a couple of days he realized he would miss that closeness with his son after he went back to Chicago

He wasn't really alone very often with Jenny and that gave them time to feel more at ease with each other. The day before he left he took her out to dinner so they could have some time to talk about their son. Billy was very protective of her -- always opening doors, helping with her coat, pulling the chair out at the table.

Dinner was a big success for both of them. Billy found that Jenny had a wry sense of humor that could be both incisive and biting at times. When Billy talked about his buddies from the war, Jenny saw he had a sensitive side. On the drive home, she took his hand and held it in the car Billy had borrowed from Tom -- but she didn't invite him in to her apartment.

Back in school Billy worked out a routine -- he would visit Rockford every other weekend, either riding with Tom or taking the train. He would stay with the family in the room he started possessively considering his now. When he wasn't in Rockford he would call and say goodnight to Little Billy - and talk for a few minutes with Jenny.

Jenny started feeling more and more comfortable after several months. One night while he was in Rockford, he brought her some flowers; she gave him what started as a light kiss but startled both of them with it's sudden intensity.

Jenny finally broke the kiss and put her fingers over his lips, "Wow, where did that come from!"

But it also scared her a little -- her first attempt at loving this man was ...

And so gradually they became closer and more comfortable with each other. Dates were common now and during the summer break Billy got an internship with a bank in Rockford. Jenny's mom begged him to stay with them in his basement room, allowing him to save some money.

Came the night in August after a movie when Jenny invited Billy in for some coffee ... and she didn't turn back from his kisses.

Billy stopped anyway, looking closely at the woman that he now knew he loved with a deep and abiding love, and asked, "Are you sure, Jenny? You know I've loved you for some months now but you haven't said that to me. How do you feel, Jenny?"

"Billy, I have always been attracted to you. But it's more now. I do love you! You have been so gentle and patient with me ... and I have a special love for you for that. You have accepted both of us into your heart. Everyday I say a payer for the Marines for making you not just a man, but a man that accepts the responsibilities of life. But you have a gentle side to you now that I think you got from loving Little Billy. He's taught both of us what love is."

With that Jenny took his hand and led him into her bedroom where they made slow gentle love, so different from their rough couplings so long ago. This love they shared gave them an intimacy which had been missing from both of their lives.

CHRISTMAS EVE

Billy looked in the glowing coals at the remains of the fire in the fireplace. Everyone -- except his son and Jenny's mom had gone out caroling. Little -- or maybe not so little anymore -- Billy lay asleep in his lap, his face twitching in his dreamy anticipation of gifts to come. He eased his son off his lap and retrieved from under the tree the awkwardly wrapped dump truck he was giving his son. Gently easing the colorful wrapping paper he exposed the bed of the truck.