Dominology 101: Be Yourself

The more things change, the more they stay the same. It's always been the case in BDSM circles that those who lean towards submissive tendencies have been the ones who really put in the effort of creating and holding together the communities. Dominants tend to be more aloof. It's a truism, sure, and of course there are exceptions. All you need to do in order to notice these trends is look at the blogs and message boards. The vast majority are managed by submissives. When you do see a dominant commenting you really can't help but get the feeling that either a submissive is putting him up to it, or maybe he's fishing around to find one.

For whatever reason, it just seems to be something in our natures. I remember debating the possible reasons for this tendency going back well over a decade, and it hasn't changed. Whatever the cause, it's always been a lot easier to find insights from a submissive's perspective than from a dominant's.

Now, I won't be the first to observe that this is inconvenient. Being a new dominant has as many if not more challenges compared to being a submissive. And on top of that, well, you know, a dominant is supposed to be in charge. He kinda needs to have an idea of what he's doing, doesn't he? There's a little bit of pressure involved here.

So one of the things that I really wanted to do, in addition to the broader, more systematic 'how-to' methodology, was to address this. That's what these articles will be aimed at. Think of them as a bit of a grab bag of personal messages to my fellow dominants. These will be addressed specifically at their concerns, and in them I'll include ideas, reflections, tips, tricks; just a miscellany of things that I wish someone had suggested to me before several years of trial and error and finding my way out of pitfalls caused them to suggest themselves.

And in addition to sort of being a clearing house for all the various bits of advice that I'm too lazy to fit into the more structured methodology of the 'how-to', I want to offer something that I think is all too lacking for dominants. That is quite simply encouragement. Starting out and practicing as a dominant is a daunting thing, and in a way the more responsible and informed about it you are the more stressful it can be.

With all this in mind, I'd like to get to my first piece of advice to my fellows. It's probably going to sound a bit lame to many, like I'm being a bit Hallmark card feel-good. But the truth is it's the most solid advice I can give and sort of at the core of where I see the most dominants screw up.

That advice is simply be yourself. Never, ever, feel pressured to behave in a way that you don't feel inclined to. Never try to 'learn to be dominant' by emulating anyone else.

Learning to be a good dominant is like a craft that every single practitioner has to reinvent for themselves. Another can try to give pointers in developing that craft. But in the end, that can only really provide inspiration to help you draw this capacity from your own self. When done properly, this can be a very personal, esoteric thing, full of introspection, soul searching, and personal development and evolution.

It's natural, when we start any endeavor, enter any social group or activity, that we tend to model our behavior on the things that we've seen other people do that attracted us to it in the first place. We pick out 'Master Joe' and want to be like him and so deeply crave a relationship like he has with his submissives. All too often I see more 'experienced' member of the lifestyle tripping over themselves to validate themselves by persuading newcomers that 'This is how you do it,' and 'This is how a true submissive acts' or 'My kung-fu is best'. And, especially when you're learning from experienced people or in a group (which is in many ways ideal) to an extent, you have no choice but to begin by experimenting with their protocols and ways of doing things.

But it's important to keep in mind that these are just that; your initial experiments and experiences, and those protocols are like training wheels. You're supposed to grow out of them. Maybe the ways you find for yourself over time will look a lot like those, or maybe they'll be totally different. That doesn't matter. The measure of success of a mentor in BDSM is not how closely his protégées mimic his methods. It's how healthy and happy and how positive the effects of his protégées' practices look when they become experienced, themselves.

Another aspect of this is especially true of people who don't have mentors, who are self taught. They generally form their ideas, maybe through some conversation, but largely through reading BDSM stories or watching videos. The problem with that is that the people who make stories and videos for any topic tend to want those to be exciting and gravitate towards more extreme or intense events and activities. And that's exactly the opposite of how you want to start the practice.

Let me make this perfectly clear: there is only one measure of how well you're doing as a dominant, and that is how positively it's impacting you and your submissive, and the quality of the intimacy that is resulting. It has nothing to do with how extreme you can be or how cool you can look or how far you can push a submissive to behave. In fact the best dominants can accomplish more with a look or well chosen words than they could with handcuffs or floggers.

The end result of any D/s oriented activity or session should be deepened intimacy between the participants. That is the only measure of success. Everything else is window dressing.

And that's why this advice is so important. When you're starting out with a submissive, no matter how experienced either of you are, you figure where and how to begin by weighing two things: your nature and hers. You are basing this on you, not whatever videos you found hottest or how 'Master Joe says slaves should act' or 'How true dominants act'.

That is quite tricky to do starting out, until experience slowly builds for you a sense of context and proportion. So, how do you do it?

You start slow. Very slow. Never underestimate the potency of small, simple acts or gestures. Instead of imagining the most extreme ways to act out upon an urge or feeling, think about the smallest and easiest. It will be easier to observe the effects of those acts on you and your partner that way, as well, when you aren't tripping over each other to get as far outside your comfort zones as possible.

If you're experimenting with impact play, start with a little bit of sting and see what happens. If you're working with bondage, see what having her wrists held for a moment does rather than trying to squeeze her into some manacles. If you're playing with exposure try hiking her skirt a bit instead of trying to strip her naked. If you're working with obedience, direct the conversation and have her respond to your questions rather than trying to make her get on her knees. Brush at boundaries with a feather rather than stomping all over them like you see in the stories.

And while you're doing these things, you're not just observing the effects on the submissive, but on yourself. You're learning yourself; what you like and are comfortable with. Believe me, a submissive will respond to a little thing that you know you want far more potently than she will to some grandiose act you think you ought to want.