Donny London, Courier Driver

CHAPTER 1

Donny London couldn't understand the fuss some people made about sex, proclaiming its social popularity would end civilization prematurely, killing off millions through STDs. Of course there were the optimistic diehards who proclaimed it as the elixir of life.

Well, being a courier guy with a vehicle too small in which to fuck comfortably, Donny could take or leave sex. He often bypassed opportunities because he was not over-fussed. He didn't like sweating or having to tell a babe she was beautiful when that clearly would be lying and the big put-off was having some babe he really didn't know attempting to suck the end off his dick.

Surely everyone must know 10-pin was streets ahead of fucking as it usually went with food, some drinks and plenty of laughs.

What was there to laugh about sex?

Donny was comfortable about his workplace. Everyone was a guy except Mrs Blink who operated the communications system linked to the computer. Her tits were around her knees and her face was like cracked chocolate, so no one could be accused of thinking sex and Mrs Blink in the same thought. She wasn't a bad sort though.

The clients posed problems. The job would be much better if they didn't have clients. Some of the scatterbrains were ready to fuck a bedpost and licked their lips and widened their legs whenever the courier guy approached. Over-sexed bitches.

A few women working for clients were lovely. They'd say 'Good morning Gavin' or 'Good afternoon John'. For fuck sake: his name was Donny.

Then there were the supercilious ones. He thought that word he found in the dictionary was apt. They would stare at him icily, recognizing him for the scum he was, and would sign and silently hand back his electronic book. He'd say, "I noticed your panties are stained." He'd run off grinning as if he was a couple of cogs short, taking a quick look back to see the bitch racing to the women's room. Usually they sat behind a solid desk front but their panic would blind that to the fact that no way could he see them much below their navel.

Then the sanctuary of the near all-male depot changed. An official from the Equal Opportunities in the Workplace Commission visited and apparently not recognizing Mrs Blink as female and pinned joint owners Max Lamb and Ivan Longbridge to the wall snarling, "Why don't you employ women?"

Max pointed to Mrs Blink through the glass and the official snapped, "That's no woman. I'll be back here in eight weeks. If I don't find two females employed as couriers our next meeting will be in court."

Max said, 'Yes Miss" and Ivan said. "Yes Ma'am," their usual routine knowing one of them would be right.

"It's ma'am," screamed Mrs Disgrace to the Female Race. Max ducked behind the smiling Ivan and trembled.

At great expense the partners had a women's room constructed beside the men's room and that meant the pool table in the lunchroom had to go. Fucking women.

Ivan the administrator put a small advertisement in the newspapers: 'Two women courier drivers required. Must wear company cap and jacket. Hours negotiable. Only expert drivers need apply.'

Ten complaints were lodged about the words 'expert drivers' claiming that was discriminatory against women and five complaints were also lodged to the commission alleging the advertisement discriminated against males.

The ad attracted 392 applicants, most of whom applied personally, all arriving between 8:00 and 10:00 next morning.

Max and Ivan had an emergency executive meeting. Ivan said he'd hire a hall and interview the applicants over several days.

"Fuck that." Max said. "Pick out two good-looking ones showing at least a bit of tit and tell the remainder you're filled the vacancy... um... with two hugely experienced women. Don't mention what they are experienced at because appeals against over your decision could follow."

"Christ Max, brilliant. No wonder you are the brains of this outfit."

Over the next two days the two blondes with big tits were at the depot being 'processed'. Max made it only with Jacki and Ivan didn't get to first base with either Jacki or Linda.

On the third day Archie was unlucky enough to be standing near the office when Max grabbed him and told him to make his pick-ups and deliveries with Jacki and check out her driving. Archie called back half an hour later to say their vehicle was being towed in for repairs to the front-end. Max took a deep breath and said to Ivan, "We are fortunate our insurance company is so understanding and that vehicle was due to be traded."

Max waited until his top courier came back in. In six years this guy had never had an accident and no complaints had been received from clients (what receptionist would complain it had been alleged she had stained panties?). Donny was also gentlemanly.

"Donny, take Linda out with you. Allow her to drive but prevent her from having accidents."

"Aw fuck Max, don't hook me to a babe in nappies."

"Donny!"

"What?"

"Just fuck off with Linda Rudd."

* * *

The relationship was one of... er... just a little short of hate and revulsion. Linda thought he was quite handsome with a cute lop-sided smile but the hair under his cap was unruly, his teeth required professional cleaning, he slouched and spoke and ate in front of women like a pig.

"I'm not happy about this."

There, she'd told him.

"So join the club."

Linda was furious. She charged he'd no right to talk to her like that. How could he be unhappy about her?

"In case you haven't noticed you have long hair, wear lipstick and have tits."

"Yes, but what's the point?"

"Oh a fucking bimbo. You're a woman."

She slugged him, catching him across the ear and he howled with pain and called her a stupid cunt.

Linda was flabbergasted. Never in her life had she been called that. God, he could get her fired for assault.

"I'm sorry."

"How much sorry?"

"Heaps."

"Thanks. Sorry I called you a stupid cunt."

"That's okay. It was a first for me."

Donny sensed it was time to be pleasant. "Am I receiving an apology?"

She grinned and said, "No dickhead, it's a first for me being called stupid?"

"You might be all right," he said solemnly and she took that, on reflection, as a compliment.

Linda got behind the wheel of Car 19, a nippy small SUV.

"This has a gear shift because I prefer a manual. Can you operate...?"

Linda started the vehicle, threw it into first and almost did a wheelie in the sharp turn to avoid the other courier vehicles. She stopped at the gate and turned into McPherson Avenue without causing traffic mayhem.

"Y-you can drive?"

"My understanding was being a courier required driving skills?"

"Ah, yes."

He flicked on the monitor in the dashboard and she said 27 Smith Lane, their first pickup, before his eyes had focused properly.

"It's..."

"I know where the lane is. I park there when going to nightclubs. It's quite well lit compared with other lanes behind CBD shops."

"You understand what CBD means?"

She laughed and asked were he for real.

They returned to the depot for their lunch break.

"Do you want sex?"

Donny was scandalized. "No thank you. I don't find sex particularly appealing."

"I didn't think you would and that's why I asked, to force the admission from you."

"You do have rather a lovely figure."

"What's that 'rather' word?"

"Okay, your figure is swell." Donny smiled and then his face took on the look of panic. They'd swung into the depot and the 10-tonner taking out a big delivery was directly in their path. Linda nipped across its bow and swung in behind it. Jerry was turning into their path so she worked the hand brake and padded the gas pedal and turned outwards and back again acutely to pass behind Jerry who had turned round and was looking at them mouth open wide.

"Nice."

"Thanks."

"Do you fuck with that expertise?"

She giggled.

They went in to wash up.

Donny was out first and waited. Linda came out and he looked at her tits. She smiled, almost shyly. Then the bitch in her came out: "You didn't do you hair."

"I... um... "

She held out her comb and Donny slunk back into the men's room. He cleaned and washed the comb. She was waiting for him. She took the comb back without examining it for hair, dandruff and possible head lice as he thought she would; he would have bet on it. He was impressed.

Everything in the cramped room called a café was self-service. He went to the pie warmer.

"Donny no."

Was that someone talking to a dog? He looked around knowing it was Linda.

"The whole meal bread sandwiches with salad filling are over here."

Oh yuk. "Um okay." He took four and she suggested he put two back.

"You sit on your ass, burning few calories although you do run in and out of buildings. Two is quite sufficient for lunch. Take a cake if you must."

"A chocolate bar."

"Yes but read the label for contents."

Good they all had sugar so he picked out his favorite, a Mars bar.

"Put that back darling. The content of sugar in this date and oatmeal bar is very low."

And so was Donny's self-esteem. Fuck, guys were grinning at them. She chose the table of course and he went off to fetch coffee. She turned white when she saw it was black coffee and told him to add milk to both of them.

"Black coffee is a violation on your stomach," she pronounced.

Guys close-by stared apprehensively into their coffee cups.

It was the worst lunch food for Donny since leaving school, But the conversation had been fine. He asked was she married.

Linda said no, she'd recently broken up with a guy after living with him for two years.

"He didn't like your meals"

Linda looked at him as if he were mentally disadvantaged. "That isn't funny."

"Sorry."

"Thank you."

Donny gave her something to think about: "I could think about living with you."

At last he was on top of Linda.

She looked absolutely knocked speechless until she managed to say, "I'm asking Max if he would buddy me with some other guy but I suppose he'll deny me."

"Just whisper these words if he rejects your request: 'I think I'll complain about unfair treatment to the office of the Equal Opportunities in the Workplace Commission'."

Linda looked at him wide-eyed and asked did Donny really think that would work.

He replied, "Absolutely."

"Why are you helping me out?"

"You are female but you still are a nice babe and you drive better than most guys and to my surprise you have endured me for a week and we haven't been involved in an accident."

"Oooh. The compliments are flying."

Max of course teamed her with the worst driver and worst courier, as Donny knew he would. Max had a thing about his authority being challenged in assigning vehicles and deliveries and pick-ups.

Next morning at 7:00 Linda was waiting for him.

"Hi you look lovely."

"Oh Donny, what a lovely greeting. I expected you to snub me."

"Why you've done nothing wrong? I did though, giving you a hard time and intruding into your private life."

"I ought to have handled that better. Darling (or perhaps she did say Donny) Max says I can come back to you for the remainder of my training week if you will accept me?"

"Sure, get in Vehicle 19. You drive. You drive better than I do."

"Oh Donny, you are such a darling." The darling bitch then kissed him, properly.

As they sped off Donny said, "You kiss swell. I'm surprised the guy left you."

"I found him in our bed with another guy and woman and the other guy was up my guy's butt."

"Pull over Linda, now!"

She pulled over, tears streaming.

He hugged her and she let it all out.

She pulled his hand on to a tit but he pulled it away. Finally she pulled away.

"Thank you Donny. I'll be much better I promise. You have given me closure by making me talk about it and weeping."

"Weeping? That was a typhoon."

She laughed, wiped under her nose with fingers and took Donny's handkerchief and used it without checking it out. He liked that thinking she knew he wouldn't have given her a soiled handkerchief. This babe was good.

She asked, "What can I do to make you like me?"

"Pester me to fuck you."

"Okay, anything else?"

"Could you be a little more liberal about what I eat? I was hungry all afternoon after you chose my food for me."

"Okay, I'll ease back but if I catch you sneaking unwholesome food like donuts and pizza I'll kick your ass."

"That's understood. But I can still drink beer?"

Linda sighed. "I am prepared to make that concession."

"What without limiting the number of beers I consume?"

"Yes. You are now aware of how I feel about your consumption of unwholesome food and drink so I'm counting on you to act with restraint. Any other gripe?"

"No."

"Is there anything you wish to tell me?"

"No... oh yeah. You kiss swell."

Linda's chest appeared to swell and she began reaching for him.

"Red Courier Vehicle 19. Donny, you have been stationary for some time," barked Mrs Blink. "Is there a problem? Over."

"We are just moving off Mrs Blink. A cop stopped us for alleged inconsiderate driving, passing a slow vehicle by ducking inside and accelerating over a clear bus top. However Linda used her wiles and appropriate showing of teeth and the poor guy didn't know if he were Arthur or Martha. Martha finally has ridden off without handing us a citation notice. Over."

"A credible explanation. Shorter explanations preferred Donny. Over and out."

Linda giggled and drove off.

The elevators were out in the Manx Building and the client was on the twelfth. Linda kept with Donny for three flights and then faded. He then accelerated and on his return found her on the ninth level, blowing steam.

She grinned and ruffled his hair. "God you are fit. You'll be very good for sex."

She ran down with him. "Who at the depot do you recommend I have sex with if I need it?"

"Max."

"Why."

"In my opinion you'd be safest with him. He's a bully but very ethical."

"Jacki said he was great."

"Well there you go. What was wrong with teaming with Murray?"

"He's uncouth and farts and lost interest in me when I said no I didn't drink rum and didn't like gambling. He wouldn't let me drive, which was suppose to be the reason for me teaming, and said he objected to woman being admitted as couriers. You wouldn't be against women being admitted as drivers would you Donny?"

"Would I lie to you?"

"What sort of answer is that?"

"Here we are. That cop looks ready to give us a ticket. Do your stuff Linda."

Linda rolled down her window. "Hi officer, do you required directions?"

He scowled. "You are over parked. Driver license please."

The cop looked in and saw Donny and said nothing. Linda unbuttoned her shirt and said, "Usually I tuck it in my bra but it doesn't appear to be there. Can you see it officer?"

"Ma'am, you are in violation on two counts."

"Jed, fuck off and do some real policing. Give our newest recruit tickets and I'll tell Bob you are wasting courier's time, leading to inefficiency in the city's infrastructure. You know he's hot about that."

"Okay Donny. See you Wednesday night."

As he ambled off Linda said, "How the hell did you pull that off?"

"I play poker with Jed Wednesday nights."

"Who's Bob?"

"Robert B. Sunderland, Mayor of our city. He often joins us on Wednesday nights."

"I can't believe that cop withdrew like a mouse, doing what you told him."

"He owes me."

"Exactly what does he owe you?"

"His life. We had a bank robbery here three years ago. The robbers were making a get-away in their car. Jed stood in their path, pumping slugs through the windscreen of their vehicle. The police had stopped traffic but I pulled out of the line and accelerated forward and they turned away and rammed their vehicle into a tree, overturning it, when it was less than ten yards from running down Jed. He and I receive police medals."

"Oh god, how terrible. But you're not a police officer, how could you be given a police medal?

Donny yawned. "The citation from the Commissioner says the award was rare and honored a citizen who went out of his way to save the life of a police officer, the only officer to be saved by a citizen in the past ten years."

"Oh you hero, doing your duty as a citizen."

"I suppose I was but I knew if Jed were killed it would be left to me to find his replacement for our poker school."

They drove on in silence, Linda shaking her head.

At the end of the working week the two women and their courier buddies appeared in front of the two co-owners of the company.

Max said, "Report Archie."

"Apart from Jacki having that wee accident on her first drive her record is great. I'm no longer after to drive with her and she beats me up the stairs every time, drinks beer and passes wind so she really is just like one of the guys. That accident was caused by her long ear-ring getting caught in her seatbelt and distracting her. I also had my fingers caught in the back of her bra but we have those problems sorted. In my opinion she'll make the grade but should be sent on jobs to the outer perimeter."

"Very well, congratulations Jacki. You have completed your preliminary and now have the rating of novice courier if my partner Ivan agrees."

"Yeah, congratulations Jacki."

"Your report Donny."

"Linda is superb. She looks great, has a near perpetual smile, is fit and drives immaculately. I recommend she be used as part of the inner-city team."

"Very well, congratulations Linda if that's okay to hire her as a driver Ivan?"

"I need to be alone twenty minutes with Linda and then I'll announce my decision."

Ivan was directing Linda to his office when Donny said quietly, "Ivan lay a finger on lovely Linda and I'll personally remove your balls with a crowbar."

"Linda is accepted," croaked Ivan and then vomited over his office door.

* * *

Two months later, with Linda completing her probationary period as a solo driver with flying colors and Jacki also completing after attending a compulsory defensive driving course after being involved in two accidents, Donny saw Linda in the café.

"Congratulations in winning full status."

"Thanks."

"When will we have sex?"

"Whenever you wish, within reason."

"What would you have had sex earlier than this, within reason?"

"Yes."

Donny couldn't believe this. "Then why didn't you?"

"I accepted you as a decent guy two weeks after I first met you. But the problem was you never expressed a real interest in having sex with me. And you never asked."

Donny held his head in both hands and groaned.

"We can do it tonight if you wish," Linda said. "I'm sorry Donny for you missing out but I also missed out. I had the impression you weren't interested.

Donny groaned.

"Kiss me Donny. I won't mind who sees us."

Donny leapt at Linda, pushed her back into her chair and kissed her passionately. For a couple of seconds everyone waited to see how the fiery Linda would react. Donny let her go and stared at Linda who wiped her lips with the back of her hand and then grabbed Donny by his shirtfront and kissed him, stroking his back and then running her hands through his hair.

People in the café began to hoot and cheer and others within earshot came to see the fight but all they found was a red-faced Donny London pulling away from a red-faced Linda Rudd whose chest appeared to be almost bursting out of her regulation khaki shirt.

Donny accepted the invitation to dinner that night to the small detached house that Linda had inherited from her parents' estate.

"This is very lovely," Donny said walking through the family room to the kitchen after he'd kissed Linda after handing across a bottle of red wine.

"I have had the inside redecorated and refurnished since the pig finished with me,:" she said.