Don't Stop Believing

I turned towards the sound. I think the sound brought me out of my shock paralysis. My senses were still distorted though. It seemed like everything was occurring in slow motion. I saw and tracked Dell's second punch as it seemed to slowly move towards what was left of the guy from next door.

This punch hit him in the cheek. I watched as the shock of the blow rippled across his face and his head snapped violently to the side. He was already falling but Dell didn't stop. As the man hit the floor probably knocked out already, his legs splayed open uselessly and Dell's foot went back and upwards and then came down like a guillotine on the helpless man's nuts.

I can't imagine the pain that must have caused him, but I can still hear his scream echoing through my head now over ten years later. That was what made me move. I grabbed Dell from behind and pulled him off of the man.

"Dell, don't do it," I screamed. "You're going to kill him."

He turned and looked at me. It was like looking into the abyss. My husband; my sweet, kind, compassionate lover and the father of my children, was not in there. When I looked into his eyes I saw only rage and pain.

"Roll this sack of shit out of my house, whore," he spat at me.

"Dell, he's out," I said. "We have to call 911."

I got on the phone and called for an ambulance. The problem was that when you call 911 the police come too. The next four hours were interesting. The police wanted at first to book Dell on assault and attempted murder charges, but once they found the vial in the frat boy's pocket and heard the story, especially what they'd done to me, they decided not to press any charges against Dell if we'd agree to work with them. The frat boy was arrested for possession of a controlled substance.

The police also went next door and found a lot more of the stuff, so all of his room-mates were also arrested. They were all held on drug charges and copped a plea to a lesser charge for what they'd done to me. All three of them would be in jail for at least ten years. Before they even started their lives and careers, they were over.

My sister had to pick up our kids from school and daycare, but the thing that bothered me the most was Dell. He didn't say a single word to me for the entire time that we were there.

Even when the police took my statement and I wanted him there to hear it, he refused to speak to me. The police told me that those guys were predators and anyone could have been taken advantage of by them. There had been a lot of girls hurt by them who would probably come forward now. They told me that I was brave for coming forward. I hoped that Dell would see it that way.

As soon as we got the kids into bed, I turned to him and he finally said something to me. It was nowhere near what I expected. I thought he'd say, "Oh Junie, I'm sorry for what those animals did to you," or "We'll make it through this," or "I didn't know."

I was surprised.

"You can start packing now," was all he said.

"What?" I said in shock. "Dell, I was raped." My voice was louder than I wanted it to be. I didn't want my kids to hear any of this. They were asleep but I didn't want to take any chances. I reached out to grab his arm and pull him into the kitchen. As my hand neared his, he pulled away from me as if I was poison.

"Don't touch me," he said.

"Can we go somewhere that the kids won't hear us, like the kitchen?" I asked. He just walked away from me.

When I got to the kitchen, I sat down while he just paced. I made his favorite Raspberry Cocoa for both of us.

"Can we talk about this calmly?" I asked, pushing a cup towards him. He moved so quickly I didn't see it coming. He swatted the cup away, shattering it against a wall.

"What the fuck do you think this is?" he hissed. "I don't want to make nice with you. I just want you gone so I can start trying to put my life back together again. I have so many things to try to figure out."

"Like what?" I asked.

"Like how to explain to my kids why their mommy isn't living with us anymore," he said angrily. If I'd thought that I could never imagine the pain that frat boy felt when Dell had stomped his nuts, I was suddenly able to. The thought of spending my life without my husband or my kids hurt me more than anything I'd ever felt before in my life."

I was speechless.

"You just had to do it again, didn't you?" he hissed. I saw his face and realized finally where all the rage was coming from. Dell was hurt more than any man could endure. The rage was his way of channeling the pain he was going through.

"I saw it the first time, you know," he said. "And I guess I had the wrong idea. I thought that they had drugged you, but I wasn't sure."

"What the fuck do you mean by that?" I asked. "Of course, they drugged me. Why else do you think they got me into that room?"

"But June, you didn't see it," he said, with tears streaming down his face. "I was so angry, I couldn't see straight. I was getting ready to come over there and kill them all. Then I saw you push them off of you and couldn't tell what was going on. I didn't know if you had just come out of it or if you'd realized the time and were worried that your dumb assed husband would probably be home soon and catch you with your lovers."

"Dell, look at me," I said. "You're my only lover. Those assholes raped me."

"Then why the fuck did you spend all afternoon talking to one of them," he asked. "And why the fuck did you bring that asshole into my house."

Before I could say anything he started talking again.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked. "Has there ever been a time in the past ten fucking years that you couldn't tell me something?" I reached up to wipe his tears and he slapped my hands away.

"You were everything thing to me," he cried. "God I was stupid. I kept waiting for you to tell me what had happened so we could get over it together or so I could go over there and beat the fuck out of those guys. If it hadn't been anything you wanted, surely you'd have said something. I waited day after day, week after week, but you didn't say a God damned thing. Finally, I came to the conclusion that I'd been right all along. You hadn't said anything because you liked it."

"My wife, my best friend, the mother of my children, the woman I wanted to grow old with is nothing but another gangbang slut. Do you know how badly I missed you? Do you know how much I missed what we had? I feel like such a fool. Then today you just proved it. I came home to change shirts because I ripped the one I was wearing. I saw you talking to that asshole over the fence and then invite him over. The next thing I know you took him into our house. And you weren't even drugged this time."

"Dell, you have to let me explain this..." I said.

"What is there to explain?" he asked. "What possible explanation do you have for sucking another man's dick and letting him fuck you in our house?"

I didn't know what to say.

"So how long have you been doing this?" he asked. "Am I going to look like a fool in court trying to go after custody of kids that aren't even mine?"

"Dell, what are you talking about. We don't have to go to court. The police told you there are no charges against us. We aren't going to jail so we don't have to worry about keeping custody of our kids. They'll be right here with us the way they always have been. Actually, we should start working on the next one."

"Are you crazy?" he screamed. "I wouldn't touch you with someone else's dick. You do gangbangs with guys who screw any woman they can drug. I have no idea what kind of disease cocktail is brewing inside of you. You never made any of your lovers use a condom. And I know we're not going to jail. I'm talking about getting custody of the kids in the divorce."

I was too shocked to say anything. I just started crying even more.

Dell picked up the phone and started talking.

"Look, I know we don't really get along that well," he said to someone. "But I need a really big favor. Can you come and get your sister before I end up hurting her."

After that he walked out of the room. I followed him but he went into the kids' room and locked the door from the inside.

I sat by the door and tried to talk to Dell through it but he wouldn't answer me. The doorbell rang a few minutes after that and I went to answer it.

My sister, May, looked at me strangely.

"Where is he?" she asked. "What did he do? He didn't hurt you, did he?" I just shook my head.

"I'll kill that bastard," she yelled. "Ward Cleaver, bring your ass down here," she screamed.

I told her to be quiet because the kids were asleep. "I don't give a fuck," she said. "I want his ass. I told you not to marry him. He's going to pay for what he did to you."

Then she looked over at me. "What did he do to you?" she asked.

Dell came to us then. "Thank you for coming," he said. "Make sure she packs enough clothes and doesn't forget her medication. You should take the big fuzzy blanket in the hallway too. Her period is coming up in a couple of days and she always likes to wrap herself in it while someone rubs her tummy."

Ward turned to leave and May slumped to the couch. She was floored. She looked up at me with puzzlement all over her face. "Tell me what the fuck is going on," she said tersely.

"Can't I just go and stay with you for a few days until this all blows over?" I asked.

"Junie, don't you want to take the kids with us?" she asked. "Don't you want to get your kids away from that...monster?"

"He's their father," I laughed. "Dell would never hurt them. He'd never hurt me either. They're better off at home with their dad and all of their toys than they would be squeezed into your tiny apartment."

"I knew you were going to say that," she said looking me over. "Junie, you know I don't like him. I never have. But when I saw the look on his face a couple of minutes ago, it knocked me down. I don't know him very well. In the ten years that you've been with him I don't think I've ever sat down and had a five minute conversation with the man. But I do know one thing; that man is hurting and badly. When I looked in his eyes, I saw devastation. Remember when I worked for the Red Cross? I used to do disaster relief. I saw thousands of people who'd lost everything due to natural disasters or things they just couldn't foresee or control. They all had that look of overwhelming grief. When you looked in their eyes, you could tell that they were standing on the edge of a razor blade between trying to start their lives all over again or just giving up and ending it."

"Junie, I saw that same look on your husband's face. I also saw a lot of pain and even some anger," she said. "Do you know what was missing?" I shook my head and looked at her.

"I didn't see a single trace of guilt. At first, I thought that whatever he'd done to you, he hadn't considered it to be wrong or he'd thought he was justified. Then I looked again and noticed the tears. Junie, men don't cry when they've fucked up. They just get angry and try to fix the problem or make some kind of deal. He came out here, knowing that I don't like him, and even then, the only things he had to say were about taking care of you. He didn't scream or curse at you. He also didn't beg you to stay and give him another chance. I think I should go back there and try to talk to him, don't you?"

"No," I said. "Let's just go and give him a chance to calm down. We don't want to set him off."

"Junie, you're my sister and I love you," she began. "But you're a fucking liar. You don't want me to go back there because we both know that when he came out here he was barely holding it together. He's probably back there in your kids' room crying his eyes out isn't he? He's in their room because his kids are all he has left. So I need the truth, Junie. What did YOU do to him?"

"May, can't we just talk about it in the car?" I said. I grabbed a few things and we left. I didn't want to tell her what happened. I hoped that over-night or over a couple of days Dell and I would talk. I was actually in shock. My brain was refusing to process the events. Everything that I knew to be true, every tenet of my existence, told me that there was simply no way that Dell and I could break up or end our marriage. It simply wasn't possible.

I called Dell and he wouldn't pick up the phone. I left several messages asking, then pleading and finally begging him to let me come home so we could talk. I sat holding my phone, guarding it as if it was the crown jewels. I was more surprised than anything else when it rang. I looked at the screen and answered it immediately when I recognized our home number.

"Hello Honey. I'm so sorry," I croaked hoarsely.

"Sorry for what Mommy?" asked my eight year old daughter. "Daddy told us that Aunt May was sick and you had to take care of her. It's not your fault. You're just being a good sister. Daddy says that Todd and I have to talk to you every day so you know that both of us love you even though you're not here."

"Where is your Dad? Can I speak to him?" I asked.

"He's making dinner and playing with Todd at the same time. They're playing one of Todd's video games. Todd is winning because Daddy keeps running into the kitchen to make sure the food doesn't burn."

"Ask him to come to the phone," I said. I heard her speaking to him and I heard him say something that I couldn't make out. Then I clearly heard him tell Todd to pause the game and come and talk to me.

"No, I'm winning," whined Todd.

I heard more muffled words from Dell and then there was another voice on the phone.

"Hi Mommy," said Todd sullenly. "I'm winning, gotta go." The phone dropped to the floor and I heard Melissa pick it up again.

"Daddy is really busy with dinner, Mommy," she said. "He said that he'll call you later after the kids...I guess he mean us...are in bed. How long will you be away?"

"Until your Aunt May is better," I said.

"Okay, bye," she said and hung up.

"He's good isn't he?" asked May from behind me.

"May, I'm sure you won't believe this since you don't like him, but he only lied to our kids for their own benefit and probably mine as well. What would you rather he tell them? How about he made Mommy go away because she was really bad and ruined our family with her lies? Is that what you wanted him to do?"

"I guess in your mind he should be trying to poison my kids against me. He should be trying to make sure that they know that he was the good guy and I'm the evil witch, huh?" I asked.

"Lighten the fuck up, Junie," she said. "I wasn't saying anything bad about the guy. I was just making a comment about what he did. When I said that he was good, I meant it. I've got friends who are divorced or separated and it seems like all they do is go back and forth trying to one up each other with their kids. He not only isn't playing that game, he's making sure that you get to speak to them. I'm betting he'll even arrange to bring them by to visit with you. He's making sure they're fed and he's playing with them. He's also keeping YOU involved in their lives. He didn't wait for you to call and beg to speak to them. He's trying to do what's best for them. I was just trying to give him some credit."

"Of course, he's trying to do what's best for them. He loves them. He's their father," I spat.

"Junie, there are a lot of men out there who father children," she said. "There aren't nearly as many who really love their kids. But your husband clearly loves his kids. And Junie, he loves you too. I don't know why I never saw that before."

* * * * * *

May

Over the weekend nothing changed. My sister slept in the second bedroom of my apartment. I talked to her as often as I was able but I couldn't get her to tell me what was going on. She called him at least twenty times a day and left all kinds of messages. I hated to eavesdrop on her, but I couldn't help her if I didn't know what was going on. The most I could make out was her saying how sorry she was.

Early Sunday morning my cell phone rang. At first I thought it was one of the women I dated but then I recognized the number.

"May, I know that in your eyes I probably don't rate another favor this soon and probably not ever, but I'm asking...I guess I'm begging for one anyway," he said. His voice was even and controlled but I could feel the sadness coming off of him in waves.

"What do you want, Dell?" I asked. It was the first time I'd ever called him anything other than "the bastard," or "Ward," which I only called him because I knew he didn't like it.

"Could you pretend to be sick for a couple of hours today?" he asked almost crying. "I wanted to drop the kids off for a couple of hours with their mom and if they saw you up and about, they'd start asking questions."

"I know I'm starting to really stack up the favors and I have no right to ask, but I'll do anything you want in exchange. I'll cut your grass for the whole summer or fix anything you need or..."

I just couldn't let him go on. He was breaking my heart. The man was literally begging me to let his kids spend some time with their mother. My own sister hadn't once over the two days that she'd been with me worried about her kids. She didn't have to, he was handling everything perfectly.

"It's fine," I said. "I'm not doing this as a favor for you. I'm doing it for my sister." It had come out totally wrong. I had said what I wanted to say, but not what I meant.

"I understand," he said. "As long as my kids are happy, it doesn't matter what you think of me. I'll have them there at about noon. And thanks very much anyway."

I felt like I'd just kicked a puppy. The man's self-esteem was already so low he could slide it under a snake's belly, but my mis-phrasing had made it seem like I still couldn't stand the shit out of him. What I'd really meant was that it should have been my sister asking to spend time with her kids. If there was anyone who was indebted to me for doing it, Junie was the one who should be offering to pay me back.

I started right then to try to figure out what it was that I didn't like about Dell. I guess I never really trusted him. From the first moment I saw him, I'd expected him to break Junie's heart and ruin her life.

I guess it was because Wardell Cleaver is a good looking man. He's a little shy and reserved, but he's the kind of guy who could have, and I hate to say this about my sister, but he could have done better. He could have done better both in life and in love.

I had always thought of my sister as a nice woman. She's cute but not pretty. She took more of our dad's genes and I got our mom's. I'm taller, bustier and slimmer. She's shorter and more pear-shaped. I guess I just thought that Wardell saw Junie as a quick fuck and he'd move along as soon as he got bored. The more Junie gushed about him, the more he took over her heart, the more I anticipated her pain when he dumped her.

Then it happened. I can still remember my panic the morning my mother called to tell me that Junie was pregnant. I didn't wait to hear the rest. I did what any big sister would do. I rushed to her side expecting her to be devastated. I expected to find her crying and sobbing with nothing left of Wardell but some dried up cum in her panties. I was sure he'd be gone with the wind as soon as he found out.

I rushed into her apartment and found her not crying or broken hearted at all but positively glowing as she looked through magazines and catalogs.

"Concentrate on the baby and not that bastard," I said. "We'll all help you Junie. We don't need him. Fuck him."

She looked at me as if I was crazy. "Who don't we need?" she asked. I couldn't get over it. She had the biggest fucking smile on her face.

"The asshole that got you pregnant," I snapped. "Junie, these don't look like baby catalogs."