Dude Looks Like a Ladybytrainman2k©
As you read this, please don't believe that this how I think women act. This is just an attempt at some odd humor.
Having lost a so-called 'friendly' bet at the bar one night recently, I was obligated to dress and act as a woman for a day. The only good thing was that I could do it on a day off since it would be unexplainable for me to go to work like that.
It wasn't near as bad as I thought it would be getting the clothes together. I took the smart path and decided to dress as a business woman in a pants suit. That eliminated the need for the bra, pantyhose, and all that other stuff. Borrowing a wig from my good natured and humorously delightful neighbor, I dressed in the attire for the day and called my buddy so that he could shadow me. I wanted to make sure I had proof I lived up to my end of the bet and since it was him I lost the bet to, he was the one that had to go with me.
After he almost ruptured himself from laughing so hard when he saw me, we set off to the mall where I could fulfill my obligation. He told me I sounded like Bea Arthur and looked about as sexy as Jamie Farr. I wasn't impressed or happy with his analogy.
The deal was I only had to buy three things, but I had to act like a woman who has no idea what she's talking about. The three things were: an oil filter, a set of wiper blades, and a box of condoms.
Figuring I'd get two out of three done in one stop, I first went to the automotive section of the one national retail department store in the mall. Standing there trying to look totally helpless, I finally went and tracked down a clerk. I knew I couldn't disguise my voice convincingly, so I winged it.
Walking up behind one of the clerks, I asked, "Can you help me please?"
As he turned around, I heard him say, "Yes sir, what do....."
His words didn't trickle to a stop - they screamed to a stop. "May I help you, Ma'am?" he politely asked.
"I need an oil filter and some wiper blades," I replied with, knowing there would be questions. I saw my buddy standing several few feet away, laughing to himself.
"Do you know what oil filter?" the clerk asked.
"No I'm sorry I don't."
His look said much more than his words. "What make and model is your car?"
"Oh Darling!" I exclaimed with a chuckle as I grabbed his arm. "It's not for my car - it's for my lover's truck!"
He politely but quickly pulled his arm away. "What kind of truck is it?"
"It's either a Dodge or a Dakota," I said. He rolled his eyes.
"Is it perhaps a Dodge Dakota?" he asked.
I smiled a big smile for this poor guy. "Yes! That's it!" I exclaimed as lady-like as I could.
"What size engine?" he continued.
I looked at him as blankly as I could. "I don't know. I guess it's about three or four feet wide and a couple feet high. I don't really know!"
The clerk looked away. I could see him laughing but when he turned to face me, he was all business. "Is it a six cylinder or an eight cylinder?" he asked very professionally.
I decided that he had been through enough so I answered him without further complication. "Six cylinders!" I exclaimed triumphantly.
He looked up the right filter in the book and hands me one in a few minutes. "There ya go. Fram TG-16. Now you need wipers too?"
I answered affirmatively and we headed off to the next aisle. He quickly found the right length wipers and handed me two of them. "There ya go, Ma'm. Have a nice day!" he said as he quickly walked away. I turned around and saw my buddy doubled over in laughter.
"Damn! Wished I had a video camera!" he managed to gasp out.
"Shut the hell up and let's go to the drug store," I grumbled as I walked away.
"Now remember - this is the first time you ever bought them!" he riddled me as we entered the store. "And you have to ask how to tell if they will fit!" he continued, giggling like a school boy watching the teacher sit on some strategically placed chewing gum.
Walking up to the clerk at the counter, I asked the girl there for some help. She quickly came around the counter and I headed to the rack of condoms. "I need to buy some of these but I don't know what to get," I explained, wondering how she would handle this challenge.
"Well, the main thing is if you want lubricated or not, and then there's ribbed, smooth, reservoir tip, and plain," she professionally explained to me. I was impressed at her professionalism, but seeing my buddy at the far end of the aisle I knew I had to take that fatal step.
"What about size? How do they size them?"
"One size fit all. They stretch quite a bit," she answered so matter-of-factly I know I looked surprised.
"Oh my!" I exclaimed, trying to sound surprised. "That's gotta hurt!"
I saw my buddy down at the end of the aisle, laughing hysterically. "So what's your favorite?" I asked her, trying to see how good a sales rep this gal really was.
"Oh, my husband and I don't use them," she answered bluntly. Considering I had tried, I figured my bet was settled so I picked a cheap box and got cashed out. Thinking all was well, I headed out the door.
I was at the main exit when this large man appeared out of nowhere. He was well dressed but I tried my best to ignore him.
"Excuse me, Darling," he said as he picked up his pace to match mine. "Can you help me out?"
Since I was now at the door, I decided to settle it without words. I stopped, looked at him, and took off the wig.
"Unless you want directions to somewhere, I don't think I can," I told him. His look was priceless.
Having learned my lesson to never make a bet in a bar with a bunch of drunk guys, I went to my truck and got in. While I waited for my buddy to arrive, I was tempted to leave him there but decided to wait for him.