Each Day

I must preface this with the fact that this is the result of a very real occurrence in my life. One I am still dealing with and that this, as it is, it an attempt to get some of it out in the open. More a rambling of thoughts and feelings, really. I apologize if this is not up to the standards, but it is my first attempt and ask that you be kind, if possible.

Please vote and comment if you like. I am not a writer I am just a man with a story to tell. What you have read is me and my life. I just need to tell it somewhere.

Thank You in Advance

Thanks go out to Literotica for your encouraging words. They were greatly appreciated.

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Each Day

Each day I wake up. I get up and begin a day I know I will dread, no hate. I do this because I have to and not because I want to or choose to. What I want seems to be a daydream I really never get to have. It drifts in and before it has a chance to form it disappears, elusively slipping between my fingers. I never seem to be able grasp it. It slides away, farther and farther, each time I try to reach for it. And then I wake up only to find I'm still trapped in this nightmare, a nightmare of a life with no joy, no happiness, no love, nothing but sadness for me. Each day I wake up.

Each day I wonder. I wonder what it would have been like. To just have, the briefest of moments to be with you. To be a whole person again. To be a real person with a life again. To be what used to be me. I wonder about a life that can never be now. A life that, that by contrast, is so different than what I have now. I can not hope for this to be as I would like it. Doing so would mean not considering you and your situation. So instead I attempt to get through the day as best I can. I muddle through. I struggle to maintain my composure each and every minute of my day. A day that drags on and on and gets harder and harder to get through. Each day I wonder.

Each day I tell myself. I tell myself that this it is for the best. That it can't be any other way. It has to be this way and this way only. I try to explain it to myself. I try to understand it. I try to make peace with it. I try to convince my heart that the ache, the pain, the emptiness will go away. That there will be a 'someone' for me, a 'someday' for me. That there is the possibility, however remote, of a new beginning, a new start for my failed life. Each day I try.

Each day I hope. I hope you are well. I hope you are OK. I hope that I am at least a passing thought in your day to day life now. I hope you remember the things we talked about. I hope that someday we can still be friends. Each day I think.

Each day I cry. I cry for the love I had to give up. I cry for the longing I have in my heart. I cry for the future that holds no joy for me. I cry and I wonder how I can go on feeling this way, lost and alone. I cry, with the knowing that I am lost, confused and alone. Each day I cry.

Each day I worry. I worry that I can and will not make it. That I will attempt something irrational. That I will give in and surrender to my sorrow, my pain, my sadness. To take the cowards way out, the easy way out, the wrong way out. To write off a world that can be a beautiful place to be. So I worry and hope it never comes to this. I do not wish to contemplate otherwise. The alternative is not pleasant. The alternative is to not go on at all. Each day I worry.

Each day I do it. I do it again and over again. I have to. I try to escape the pain I feel. Try to escape the heaviness, which seems to be crushing in on me. Try to keep on living this life, such that it is, a life that seems to have so little and need so much. A life that, although is a struggle, should be allowed to continue and have happiness and love. Each day I do it.

Each day I keep going. I keep going, in hopes that someday, one day, I can look at the sky and smile, to feel a sunny day and know that it is for me. To hear birds sing and children laugh and to smile instead of having tears stream down my face is an uncontrollable river that has no end like my sadness. To look at the mirror and like that person in the mirrors reflection. Each day I keep going.

Each Day I miss you.