Eat Your Fuckin Cake!

When I woke up it was well past nine and some asshole was knocking at my door. I got out of my chair and went to the door. It was Bruce. "What the fuck do you want asshole. I oughta beat the ever-loving dogshit out of you for being on my porch."

"I need a favor from you man."

"Well if you don't fucking take the fucking cake. I don't have a girlfriend yet for you to fuck shit head. Try elsewhere."

"Robin needs you. She's over there bawling her eyes out. Can't you call her and tell her that you're not angry and that everything will be all right?"

"I tell you what. She loves your dick so much, have it tell her everything will be OK. I'm fucking done with both of you. What's Cheryl gonna say when she finds out you're fuckin Robin?"

"She knows. She's happy you know so that the sneaking around can stop. She wants you two to stay together though."

"Get your sick perverted ass off my porch. Tell that whore that her shit will be on the porch in the morning so she can get it. Any door knocking will be met unkindly."

I slammed the door again and went to find a cold beer.

I'm still not sure why I did it, but I took my cold six-pack upstairs and sat in Robin's craft room and watched out the window. Soon it dawned on me I should have the video camera to collect evidence for divorcing of the slut. I went and got the camcorder.

As I sat watching the back of Bruce's house for activity, movement next door caught my eye. Jeri McBain was out at the pool. She was wearing a robe and I hoped to hell it stayed on or barring that, that she was wearing a one piece bathing suit underneath it. Jeri might be the nicest person in the world, but damn! She fell out of the ugly tree and did a double dip on every branch, and unlike her daughter, her body wasn't a pleasing distraction from her face.

Tom isn't much better, so it baffles me that Tommy and Brenda are only unpleasant to look at and not downright fugly. There must be some recessive genes at work there. Well, god just wasn't smiling on me that day. Jeri removed her robe and dove into the pool. I turned my attention back to Bruce's house.

With the camera on the night vision setting I could see Cheryl and Robin sitting on their back porch swing. They weren't talking loud enough to hear so I didn't bother trying to record them.

I saw headlights splash across the back of Bruce's house and I knew that Tom must be home. He manages a restaurant and works late most nights. He went straight to the pool and started stripping. "What the fuck did I do to deserve this?" I asked myself.

I watched Bruce's until I heard the splash of Tom entering the pool. They cozied up and embraced and treaded water. I could hear their conversation perfectly.

"How was work babe?"

"Busy as hell. I had to fire Juan for smoking weed on his break."

"You warned him. I heard something interesting today."

"Oh? Do tell."

"Jack kicked Robin out today."

"What?"

"Yeah, he actually kicked her out today."

"Has he lost it? Those two would die without each other. I always figured she'd throw him out for his foul mouth. You have to be wrong."

"According to Tommy and Brenda, when they were cleaning the pool,"

"They were cleaning something all right," I thought to myself."

"They saw Bruce and Robin in Bruce's window having sex. I guess Jack must have been at home for some reason. They heard Jack holler a profanity and saw Bruce and Robin quickly stop their activity. They said Jack left the house and came back with a Lowe's bag and changed the locks on the house. I guess later Robin came over and when she left he slammed the door and called her a whore."

"I can't believe it," said Tom. "I'll have to see Jack tomorrow and make sure he's OK. I would like for you to stay away from Bruce. I always thought he looked at you and Robin a lot closer than he should have."

I shuddered at the thought of Bruce mentally undressing Jeri. The sick fuck.

"Brenda said she was going to take him a cake tomorrow to cheer him up. She's always thought highly of Jack."

"He's crude as hell, but I can't think of anyone else I'd want on my side. I saw him this morning working on a street by the mall."

"Was he wearing a hard hat?"

"Yes. You and your construction worker fetish. Maybe I can get Jack to model it for you."

I shuddered again. Normally a guy loves to hear that a member of the fairer sex finds him attractive, but for the first few weeks that we lived next to Tom and Jeri I thought they were a gay couple. Jeri can look quite manly.

"You're so bad," she told him. "I can't for the life of me figure why Robin would rather fuck Bruce when she has Jack at home."

"You're starting to make me get a complex."

"You know you're the only hunk for me my sexy man."

When I realized that a fucking was afoot I decided to go to bed. I wasn't sure I'd sleep, but if I did I didn't want to have nightmares about Tom and Jeri knocking boots. I turned a radio on just for some noise and heard the Heavy Metal/Grindcore show playing on the college radio station. I lay there listening to kick ass tracks by Carcass, Deicide, and Obituary. Just before the show was over, they played Cannibal Corpse's "Make Them Suffer." As I listened to the song I realized I wanted to make Bruce and Robin suffer. So as "Corpsegrinder" Fisher admonished me to "Make them suffer, Make them suffer, Make them suffer," I said; "I will Corpsegrinder. I will."

I was awakened the next morning by some douche bag pounding on my door. I shook off the last vestiges of sleep and went down to see who had an early morning death wish. I open the door, ready to yell at Robin for disturbing me, only to find Cheryl Harris.

"Oh, it's you. What the fuck do you want? Robin's shit isn't packed just yet."

"I don't want you to pack her stuff Jack. I want you to let her come back home."

"And here I thought you were going to ask for some unreasonable shit. I'm going back to bed." I started to close the door and she put her hand in the way.

"Wait Jack. Why are you doing this? Robin is hurting for you and you won't consider her feelings."

"What's to consider? She wants to be with you and Bruce more than she does me. I am allowing her to be with you two and I am staying out of the way."

"Bruce and I can't have her live with us. We have an image we have to protect."

"You fuckin perverts should have thought of that shit before you pulled MY WIFE into your sick game."

"Why can't she live with you?"

"Really? You don't see a problem here? I gave her a chance to stay. She chose your husband's cock over me. The most fucked up thing about it is that you don't seem to have a problem with it, but I do. Now leave me the fuck alone will you?"

"She still loves you Jack. We didn't want to take her away from you. We love her and you as well. I hate to see you throw your friendship with Bruce away."

"He's dead to me. So is she."

"You can't mean that Jack. She will still take care of your needs."

"Oh. Why didn't you say so sooner? I feed and board her. Buy her clothes, car and everything she needs. She continues to fuck you two, and I get tugged off once a week. Bruce gets his harem and doesn't have to pay upkeep. FUCK THAT!! Do I get time with you?"

"Sorry Jack. I am a one man woman."

"A one man woman." I said bemusedly, "Man I'd sure like one of those. Well then, that's what I have to go find. Tell the cunt her shit will be out here in an hour or so."

"Come on Jack. Stop acting like a cave man and join the modern age. Bruce and I have an image to keep up for our church. We can't have Robin living with us."

"Well, it sounds as if you have a dilemma. Sucks to be you!" I slammed the door and went to make me some bacon.

"Fuck their image." I said to myself. I can't believe anyone thought I'd go for this stupid idea. They want to appear squeaky clean while having wild sex with my wife. Corpsegrinder's words came back to me.... "Make them suffer."

I called a guy that I worked with and asked him who had handled his divorce. He walked away with almost all of his hard earned assets when he caught his wife sleeping with her brother. Hmm, that incest thing seemed to be prevalent.

He gave me the name of the law firm. It seemed that Crosby, Stills and Nash specialized in representing men who didn't want to get royally fucked over in their divorces. I called and got an appointment that afternoon for a face to face with one of their best.

Then I packed all of Robin's clothes and toiletries into bags and put them on the front porch I boxed up a lot of the shit I knew she'd want and added those to the pile. Finally I put her car keys under the floor mat and went to the bank.

At the bank, I canceled all of the credit cards and closed my bank account, and reopened one in my name only. She had a card in her name that I didn't know about until then. I gave them Bruce's address so they could send him the bill.

At one in the afternoon I went to the law office. I had hoped to get David Crosby; he had a reputation for making quick work of any divorce attorney. Those he couldn't easily beat, he hired.

The secretary instead showed me into the office of Burt Young. He was a scruffy guy, but his record spoke for itself. He sat there and didn't say a word as he looked over the files I had brought in. Then he called his paralegal in and told her something and the girl left with my paperwork.

"Mr. Ericson, I think we can get you everything you want and take the preacher down a notch or two. Do you have photo or video proof?"

"No, but the neighbor kids saw them too. I just want her out of my life. I don't care what she does after that."

The paralegal brought in a bunch of papers and I started signing. Burt explained what each one was and why it was necessary. Then he gave me a list of things I needed to do. I had already done a few of them. I gave him his retainer and went home to nap.

Robin's stuff was gone when I got home. There was a note taped to my door. I took it inside and lay down on the couch. Springer was on. The note was from Robin, imploring me to allow her to come home. No mention of giving up Bruce's cock.

Burt and I had decided to serve her and Bruce with legal papers at church on Sunday. I got a kick out of the idea and decided I'd attend. There were over fifty messages on my answering machine connected to my landline. All deleted in one fell stroke.

With the aid of beer I was able to sleep well that night, and when I went to work the next morning, I set to fixing Bruce's wagon. First, I called up the city accounting department. I had allowed my crews to haul several loads of gravel to Bruce's church for nothing. I had kept the tare slips, and now I knew why. Janis assured me the bill would be entered as late/unpaid so Bruce would be getting a call from the collection department.

At $45 a ton plus another $30 a load transportation cost, Bruce now owed the city $7500 for gravel and would be getting a visit from the building inspectors since he never pulled permits for the work.

I also wondered out loud in front of the water company supervisor if they had a compliant water meter. I knew they had an older residential model and would have to cough up $1200 to replace it. Bruce knew I kept them from paying the piper on a lot of things. "Make them suffer!" I was going to bankrupt the prick.

I also knew of several home projects Bruce hadn't done properly. Building inspectors now knew of those. Bruce would pay out of the nose to get it all straight. I knew he'd call in a while pissed off. I told my supervisor what I was doing with the tare sheets.

Just as I knew he would, Bruce called at noon. "What are you trying to pull Jack?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean. Building inspectors telling me I have to undo the whole parking lot. You said everything would be fine."

"Well it seems I forgot to turn in a bunch of paperwork, but don't worry; I'll be reprimanded."

"I hope they fire you."

My supervisor came in just then. He knew who was on the phone. "Jack about that late paperwork, remind me to put a scathing post it note in your file."

"I'll have to get a post it note to remind me to remind you."

"Ok Jack, try not to do it again."

"Oh that was some reprimand Jack," said Bruce. "I'm surprised he didn't fine you a nickel."

"He did file all of my tare slips Bruce. Be expecting a bill." He hung up rudely.

The rest of the day passed normally and I ended up at "Mawby's Bar" that evening for a beer or three. Quite a few city workers and cops frequented Mawby's and by eleven many of them had heard my story, either from me or from one of the several who had heard it earlier and a full out campaign of harassment was underway. One buddy on the police force mentioned that Bruce might get pulled over more often now.

My new fishing buddy on the fire department decided that the church might make the inspection list on Monday and the Fire Marshall would give it his full attention.

"These churches are always out of date on something." he said. "We usually don't enforce the code too harshly with them, but I think Tony will feel that the safety of the congregation and the church's neighbors might be worth considering."

Sheila Torres, a secretary for the county clerk's office, mentioned that the assessor might discover an error on Bruce's property tax assessment for last year and a past due amount might have to be dealt with.

Make them suffer indeed.

Saturday morning I was working in my garage. I had tried to work in my back yard, but between the half-naked genetic misfortunates next door, and the swinging assholes behind them, my back yard was anything but a haven. I was cleaning up a cabinet I was restoring when I heard a furtive noise behind me. "These fucksticks just never learn, do they?" I could literally feel eyes boring into my ass. I just knew it had to be Robin.

I spun around to tell the whore to hit the bricks only to lock eyes with Brenda. "Um, hi Jack, er I mean Mr. Ericson."

"Hi. What do you need Brenda?" Looking at her, I thought whoever coined the term "butter face" was definitely gazing upon Brenda McBain when he did. She definitely had a body to die for, and at the moment she wasn't covering much with her bikini and a sarong. I could feel my dick involuntarily rising, but thinking of her extracurricular activities with her brother killed it.

"I have a video you might find useful Mr. Ericson. I took it a week ago."

She handed me a USB stick and allowed her hand to linger in contact with mine. Meanwhile my eyes locked onto her tits.

I looked at her face again to control my cock and saw undeniable lust in her eyes. She blinked and it was gone. "Um, I have chores I have to do, but I thought the video on there might help you in your case Mr. Ericson."

"I'll look at it as soon as I can Brenda. Thank you for bringing it."

She turned around and headed out off the door and looked back over her shoulder. I saw something in her face, but couldn't place the look. "It's my pleasure to be of assistance Jack. Have a good one."

She had never openly called me anything other than Mr. Ericson. I put the memory stick in my pocket and continued on with my tasks. I finally got my lawn mowed and only had to endure Robin screaming and wailing from Bruce's balcony for most of it. I put buying a loud mp3 player on my to-do list. I kept hoping Tom and Jeri would call the pigs, but to no avail. The whole family abandoned their pool and opted for the AC in their home.

Around five I decided to head over to Joe's Pit Bar-B-Que for their famous melt in your mouth rib platter. As I was eating, John Brandon, Cheryl's brother, came in and spotted me. John was an engineer for the city/county road and street department. He and I had worked together many times and had a good rapport. I wasn't sure what to expect from John so I pretended not to notice him. He told Ramona, Joe's wife and longest standing employee, that he had a to-go order and paid. She told him it would be a few moments and I thought I was home free. Next thing I know John is by my table.

"Hi Jack. I haven't seen you in ages."

"John. I have been pretty busy, seems every time we get one storm cleaned up and dealt with another two roll through."

"Yeah I hear that. We are going to open bidding next week for replacing the Johnson Street Bridge. You guys will get some of the tasks for that but the commissioners want it to be mainly contractor work to keep public crews freed up for other projects."

"That sure would be nice. We need to get at least a hundred pot holes filled and three park irrigation systems to repair. So how's life treating you?" I couldn't tell if he was fishing for information or if he didn't know anything yet.

We made small talk for a few minutes and then he said, "I understand the drainage at my brother in law's church has come under scrutiny and he'll be paying some large dollars to the city for the upgrades. I am glad someone is finally stepping on that dirt bag's toes. Remind me to never get on your bad side Jack." He clapped me on the shoulder, "See you around Jack." He went and got his food and left. I finished my meal and left. I stopped at Chang's Liquor and bought a bottle of vodka and went home.

I was just about to sit in front of the TV when I remembered the USB stick that Brenda had brought me earlier. I popped it into the port on my laptop and opened it up. I saw only one file and opened it. I was treated to a shot of Brenda, leaning out of her bedroom window. She wasn't wearing anything below the waist and had her fingers working in and out of her cunny. Damn she had a delectable ass.

I watched for a minute and I realized she was saying something. "Oh babe I hope you know how you turn me on. God I'd love to jump on your cock. Oh, Oh, Ohh."

I began to recognize the sound of my lawnmower coming in through the open window. I remember several times that she had watched me mow. On the screen she had just came and was shaking her ass with ecstasy. I was about to fast forward to find out if there was anything pertinent to me on the video, when Tommy came into the room.

"Hold it right there young lady. Are you Jack-terbating?" I cringed knowing I was a regular sexual fixture in the McBain household.

"I am Tommy. Pretend you're him will ya? Fuck me and make me believe it's him."

At this point I started scrolling through the video. After about a minute of the incest and bromance hour, I saw what had prompted Brenda to bring me this video. I wish she had erased the other parts, but I think she wanted me to see her rubbing one out.

Tommy had stopped in mid stroke and grabbed the camera. Soon the screen was filled with Robin, Bruce and Cheryl in a threesome on their terrace. I felt so stupid that they had done this with me only fifty yards away. I knew I had evidence now I could use in my divorce.

I made a phone call to a guy who owed me a favor; the video would have another purpose before we ever got to court. Make them suffer.

For the first time in ages I was up early on Sunday morning and ready for church. I had my morning coffee and a bagel and read the news. At twenty minutes 'til eleven I drove to the Vinewood Presbyterian Church. In the parking lot I saw three other people, who, like myself, likely didn't frequent Bruce's services.

I followed them in and nonchalantly took a seat in the third pew I came to. I looked back and caught the eye of Robert Donavan who operated the audio, video system for the services. Robert worked on my park crew and owed me a favor or two. I looked at the bulletin to see exactly when I would have my fun. It would be after the offering plates were forced among the masses which would work perfectly.

The choir entered, Cheryl and Robin walked in close together. I wondered if any of the blue haired old bags had any clue what the minister's wife and the first alto had been up to the night before.