tagReviews & EssaysEh, What’s Up, Doc?

Eh, What’s Up, Doc?

byCal Y. Pygia©

In fuddier duddier days, they were known as "marital aids," but, in the age of AIDs, they're mostly now just known as "sex toys." One of the oldest manufacturer of such devices, Doc Johnson, is still up, so to speak, and running, offering the public a variety of depravities for their fun and enlightenment, ranging from dildos and butt plugs to vibrating eggs and bullets. The company's products come complete with warranty.

Too wicked for Wikipedia, visitors to the online "encyclopedia" won't find anything on the company there. However, because I'm a persistent pervert, I've tracked down a bit of information concerning this enterprising enterprise myself. Doc got his start in 1976 as a supplier of sex novelties. The business began in his garage, as he sold the eight-inch Natural Dong. Perhaps if he'd offered an Unnatural Dong, the beginning would have been the end for Doc, but, he now sells upward of 1,300 products. His catalogues' supplements have supplements! Who would ever have believed that sex sells?

Doc's sex toys have fancy names. They're not just dildos, for example, but Smooth Waves, Topsy Turvy, Awesome Blossom, and Magic Stick, and, although they are arguably artificial penises, they look little like Mother Nature's version of the human male copula Tory organ. As their classification label suggests, the DJ Glass Dreams models are transparent (i. e, glass), with jazzy fillers that give them a hip, festive look. Most have bulbous ends, but, along the way, as is the case with Smooth Waves, the shaft of the dildo undulates so that the bulbous tip is just the final, rounded off wave in a series of identical rounded bulges. The Magic Stick resembles a psychedelic baseball bat, albeit of miniature proportions, except for the black plastic ring in which the "handle" of the dildo ends, presumably to facilitate thrusting and twisting motions.

The De La Curve line of dildos are shorter than, but just as thick as, their glass competitors, but they're plastic, with two rows of sparkling rhinestones around their bases, and offer "eight functions" of some sort. They are available in pastel pink, pastel purple, and basic black.

Fear not, there are still other models from which to choose if neither the DJ Glass Dreams nor the De La Curve dildos catch one's eye. Discreet Desires (white body with pink power button or pink body with white power button) are "curved" for a better "fit," for those who are serious about their masturbatory fun, and the brontosaurus-neck shape of the G-touch models allow milady to access her hidden pleasure spot more easily. Doc! He's always thinking about his customers' pleasures, never his own profits. Aware that woman does not masturbate by dildos alone, Doc also offers the ladies small, medium, and large Sexy Spades. Resembling miniature lava lamps, these conical devices are filled with an honey-gold-colored substance that resembles amber and are, from the looks of them, quite able to drive a wedge between one's labia. The "spades" end in long, clear glass necks and a glass flange at their bases, to prevent the devices from becoming lost inside the womb or rectum, if milady is disposed to try them in her rear, as opposed to her front, entrance.

Doc offers the ladies a number of vibrator options, too, although he doesn't refer to his marvels by so prosaic a name; instead, they are shiny Aluminum Vibes, pastel Rainbow Rhythms (green blue, yellow, purple, orange, and pink), and pastel Velvet Touches (pink, purple, green, and white). Additional models are also available: Harmony Mini Vibes, bowling pin-shaped Playful Pleasures that attack the "G-spot," and Love Bug Bullets that look more like Easter eggs than ammunition. If milady's not interested in vibratory pleasures, there's always the Pussy Pump Plus.

Doggy-Style Debbie is a rather grotesque device. An open labia, situated below a pair of spread buttocks allows easy penile or lingual access, but the thighs bent beneath the thighs and, especially, the feet seem superfluous, especially when Debbie has neither abdomen, breasts, neck, head, face, arms nor legs.

An equal opportunity supplier, Doc also provides a few sex toys for the boys, including penis pumps, cock rings, vibrating pussies, and inflatable sex dolls. The vaginas are modeled upon the private parts of various porn stars, including Jenna Jameson (Private Parts), McKenzie Lee (Do the Slut Fro Behind), Jessi Capelli (Give Me a Hand), Sophia Rossi (On Her Back), Ashton Moore (Let Mne Show You Where to Put It), and Chanel St. James (Kiss My Lips).

Mostly the sex toys' names and colors recommend them, but Doc also advertises his wares as having "multi-speed" capability, as being "waterproof," as being operable via a "dial controller" or a "jack controller," as being "flexible," as having a "velvet touch," as being stretchable, as having a "one size fits all" character, as being "beaded for added sensation," as including a "carrying case," as being equipped with a "clit stimulator," as having a "rotating shaft," as including a "harness," as having "vibrating" capability, as being "anti-bacterial" and even as being "made in the USA."

These toys may or may not float one's love boat, but, let's admit it, they're hardly cutting edge. Where's the Telescoping Cunt that lengthens as the penis does? Where's the Vise-Grip Anus that never loses its grip? Where's the Iron Fist in a Velvet Glove Masturbator? Where's the Sex-Change Genitals Set that can make every man the girl of his dreams or every woman her own Prince Charming? Where are the Supernumerary Breasts worn by the prostitute in Total Recall or the exotic dancer in The Warrior and the Princess? Where's the terminator sperm, which commits suicide after fertilizing an egg or, even better, offs itself before it does so?

Can we have a clamp-on or a strap-on mask that transforms milady's mouth into a toothless pussy (or perhaps a strange, but safe, vagina dentata)? Why not have a sex doll with multiple points of entries--not just one mouth, one cunt, and one asshole, but as many as will fit in the face, abdomen, arms, legs, and buttocks? Can we have a Siamese twin love doll which shares a cunt, so we can double our pleasure, double our fun? What about a penis whose natural state is erection rather than flaccidity? And where's our aphrodisiacs?

Doc, you've come a long way since your humble beginnings in 1976, but, clearly, you have a long way yet to go, baby.

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byCal Y. Pygia© 0 comments/ 11145 views/ 0 favorites

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