I almost hoped that he would force me to do it. At least then it wouldn’t be my decision to make. I turned over on the bed, burying my face in the pillows and struggled to keep the tears from escaping me again. My mind was pure turmoil, and I didn’t like it. Shutting out the rest of the world, I tried to doze off again.
When Jason came out of the shower it was as if he’d forgotten about the whole problem. I prodded him, trying to get him to discuss it with me, but he changed the subject as though he were oblivious. Maybe I should have been grateful that he was willing to drop it, but instead it only made me more tense and upset.
“I have to go to school, baby,” he said, bending down and giving me a short kiss on the forehead. “See you later.” And then he was gone, and the apartment was empty.
Time passed slowly until it was time to go to work, and I left the house. The workday, or evening I should say, slugged along as usual, and soon it was time to go home. When I got home Jason was on the computer, and again apparently oblivious to anything I had to say about our argument the night before. Shrugging it off, I went into the living room and watched some T.V.
Eventually I heard Jason turn off his computer and shut the door to the bedroom. Hitting the power button, I followed him into the bedroom.
“Are you mad at me?” I asked him, shutting the door behind me. Jason didn’t even look up.
“No,” he said. “Why would I be mad at you?”
“I’m just wondering cause it’s like we haven’t talked all day.”
“We talked,” he protested, still not looking up. He sat down on the side of the bed and began unlacing his shoes. I stomped my foot in frustration.
“Will you just look at me?” I whined. Jason looked up, his eyes blank, his face almost expressionless. I almost wished there were even something bad there, anger, frustration, anything except that blank look. “Babe,” I said. “Please?”
“Please what?” Jason said, looking away and kicking off the first of his shoes.
“Talk to me.”
“I thought we were talking,” he said, an infuriating tone in his voice.
“Christ,” I swore, putting my hands in my hair. I felt like pulling it out strand by strand I was so frustrated. “Just fucking talk to me!”
“Hey,” he said, “Don’t swear at me. I’m not doing anything wrong.”
“Fine,” I said curtly, turning around and leaving the room. I slammed the door so hard behind me that it bounced back open, but I didn’t turn back to shut it again. Slamming another door, I locked myself in the bathroom, and filled the tub with steamy water.
“Hey,” I heard from outside the door. “You don’t need to go sulking like a baby. Come on out, let’s go to sleep.”
“I’m not tired,” I shouted, angry. I couldn’t even put a finger on what exactly was making me so angry. Frustration seemed to be tugging at every part of my body. It was almost as if I wanted to have an argument, to shout, to scream, and then to make up.
“Then let’s do something,” he suggested. I tried to hear a yearning in his voice, to feel that he really wanted to do something else, but it was more like he was humoring me than anything else.
“Like what?” I said, shutting off the water so that I could hear him better.
“I don’t know,” Jason muttered. “Want to play chess?”
“No,” I said, turning the water back on.
“What about a movie?” he suggested. I turned the water off again, unlocked the door, and peered around the wood at him.
“Really?” I said. Going to the movies sounded excellent, even if it was late. That was what I had wanted to do last night, but when I lost at chess the option had been rather wiped out.
“Yeah, but I get to pick it.”
Carefully I stood up, putting my hand on the door. Just a thin layer of wood between us, but it felt like an immeasurable distance. Slowly, I turned the knob.
Jason was standing on the other side of the door, as close to the frame as I stood. He smiled weakly at me.
“Come on, baby. Let’s just go and forget about this, okay?”
“Can we forget about it?” I asked. I doubted it. This was something he wasn’t going to let me forget…or maybe my conscience wasn’t going to let me.
“Yeah, we can forget about it. Let’s go.”
I nodded and went outside with him to the car. We saw an action picture that I had heard was terrible, and it lived up to its reputation. I didn’t get any enjoyment out of the entire two-hour flick, but instead sat feeling guilty about the fact that we were out at all. As much as I liked to get my way, it seemed wrong…it was wrong, but for some reason I couldn’t bring myself to right it.
In the car again, I sat staring out my window, tears welling in the corners of my eyes. I fought to hold them in, ashamed.
“Are you okay?” Jason asked, knowing that I was not.
“Yeah,” I lied, and Jason knew I lied. We drove back home in the silence that had been lingering all day.
Jason pulled the car into the driveway and I reluctantly got out. Home meant that our momentary truce would be over, and the fighting would undoubtedly begin. I walked through the front door and looked around slowly as Jason made his way in beside me.
“I guess I’m going to bed,” he said. There was no enthusiasm in his voice. That made me feel a little bit worse.
“Do you want to play chess first?” I asked, my eyes following him as he put his coat in the closet. He paused and looked over his shoulder at me briefly before shrugging my suggestion off.
“Nah,” he said. “I’m not in the playing mood.”
“I’d really like to,” I said, softly. “I will make it worth your while.”
Jason turned around and looked at me, his coat in one hand the hanger in the other. “What do you mean?” he asked.
“If play with me, I will give you the best oral sex you’ve ever had in your entire life.”
“That sounds like an excellent proposal,” he said. I smiled. “What will you do if I beat you?”
“Anything you want,” I said slowly. I lowered my eyes, not wanting to see his expression. I wondered if I was lying to myself again, and hoped that I wasn’t.
“I don’t know,” Jason said, a bit stiffly. “You have a history of backing out of such proposals.”
“I swear to god,” I said, still looking at the floor. I looked up and met his eyes, swallowing hard. “Please play with me?”
Turning back around and putting his coat in the closet for real this time, Jason nodded.
“Set up the board,” he said. I almost scurried to the table and put the pieces in their places. Pawns in front, rooks, castles, bishops and the royalty.
Sitting across from me, Jason began the game by moving a pawn forward, freeing his queen and bishop. I made a similar move on my side of the board, waiting to see what Jason would do with it. He released his knight, putting my pawn in danger. I moved my knight, protecting my pawn. On and on the game went. At first it seemed that I was ahead, a knight ahead to be exact. Jason had to make a few tough decisions to get himself out of my way, but he came out on top, as usual. I moved my knight, and Jason smiled. I hadn’t seen the rook across the board. Pinned by the rook and a bishop, my queen was taken out by a knight, hopping over the few remaining pieces to eliminate my favorite power piece. I knew that two rooks were just as good as a queen, but one of my rooks was long gone, the other practically trapped in a corner by two of my boyfriend’s pieces. I mourned her passing, just as I feared what her capitulation meant for me tonight. My rear positions were in mortal danger; my king, and my virgin asshole both.
“Well,” Jason said smugly. “Do you give up?”
“Never,” I said, smiling. I fought hard for survival, but in the end it was impossible to win. It was between my king, my bishop, and Jason’s two rooks. He pinned me easily, and with a sigh I knocked my king aside.
“Good game,” Jason said, and I could hear the pleasure in his voice. “I really thought you were going to win there for a while.”
My breaths came heavier and I refused to look Jason in the eye. My hands were shaking, my whole body trembling. For the life of me I did not want to do what I knew was inevitable. My whole being urged me to run for the bathroom again, the safety of the white tiled walls and the porcelain tub.
I think that Jason must have sensed my feelings, and he watched as I slowly stood up from the table.
“Where do you think you’re going?” he said, a little bit coldly, the humor in his voice from his win quickly draining away.
“I need to pee,” I said lamely, backing the chair slowly from the table.
In a flash Jason was up and next to me, his tall frame shadowing mine, his eyes glaring down at me.
“Don’t you dare break your promise again,” he hissed, his lips hard.
Gulping, I shook my head.
“Seriously, I just need to pee.”
“You can pee after.”
“I gotta go now,” I whimpered, taking a step away from him. His arms darted out and wrapped around me, pulling my body close to him in an intense embrace. There was the loving sense, but also the definite fact that he wouldn’t let go. “Let me go,” I said, helplessly.
“You’re going to live up to this promise,” Jason said, and he bent down to kiss my lips, hard.
Struggling, I pushed away from him. His arms held me tight to his body, my face locked upwards. The flesh of my lips was bruising, and I could tell. Roughly he pried my mouth open with his tongue and invaded my oral cavity, lapping at the inside.
Shaking my head, I broke away finally, gasping for breath and turning my face to the side.
“Let me go!” I demanded, struggling more. Jason just stood there, like a rock, holding me. “Let me go god damn you!” I swore, hitting his chest with my fists. No movement. Finally I stood limp in his arms, tears at the edges of my eyes.
“Are you going to fight me?” Jason asked, his grip around me unyielding.
“No; I promised and I’ll follow through,” I said, a tear falling out of my eye and making its way down my cheek. I was surprised that more didn’t follow. I felt a fear in the pit of my stomach that I’d never felt before, but also something that lingered on the edge of excitement deep in my belly.
“Okay, then.” Jason slowly released me, and I took a few steps away from him, looking up into his face. He didn’t look angry, he looked calm, but his lips weren’t smiling. “Do you want it in the bedroom? Why don’t you take your shirt off first, then your pants?”
Reluctantly I reached for my shirt, tugging it over my head. My bra remained on, but for the most part my top was exposed to him. I was still wearing the majority of my clothes and yet I felt more bared than I ever had before.
“The bra, too, then let’s go,” he smiled, happy that I was following through. I swallowed hard.
I didn’t bother protesting; I knew that it wouldn’t do any good. My mind swirled with fear and anxiety, a worrisome combination that I didn’t like. Slowly I stood, avoiding his eyes because I knew he would be able to read my plans. My only chance of escape would be to lock myself in the bathroom until his anger with me faded, in the usual manner of our arguments. I couldn’t help myself after all; I fled.
Spinning on my heels I sped towards the bathroom. My short legs seemed to be frantically searching for holds on the floor as I ran around the corner. The sound of Jason’s heavy footsteps matched the pounding of my heart as my hands gripped the knob of the bathroom door. Success.
It seemed that my relief of reaching the bathroom was short lived, because a hard hand gripped my shoulder and spun me around. Squeezing my eyes tight, I faced my boyfriend, too afraid to look into his angry eyes.
“Where do you think you’re going?” he said, and I was surprised by his calm, almost humored, voice. I would have expected him to be angry, and I opened one eye to look at him questioningly. He was, in fact, smiling somewhat sheepishly at me. “The fun’s just started.”
“Jason,” I said, trying to keep my voice from quaking. “Seriously, I can’t, do you understand?”
“You can,” he said, still smiling. “You just won’t. Isn’t that what you’re saying?”
I whimpered and looked away again, but his fingers seemed to be digging insistently into my tender flesh.
“Seriously, Jason,” I said, my voice whining in a way that I hated, but didn’t seem able to control. “Please, seriously…”
“It’s okay, Sarah,” Jason said, his voice kind. But his hand didn’t release any of the pressure on my shoulder. “Just come into the bedroom with me, alright?”
Shaking my head, I began to get frightened. My eyes darted from side to side, looking at anything but his smiling face. With a quick tug that I hoped would catch him by surprise I yanked my arm sharply, silently pleading to be let go. His hand held tight, though, and I accomplished nothing but bruising myself perhaps a little in the struggle. Jason began to tug me down the hall, towards our bedroom.
I cried out but I didn’t protest with words, tugging steadily even as I was dragged over to the bed. Pinning my wrists behind my back easily with one of his hands, Jason pushed me over the foot of the bed, my posterior positioned upwards in his direction.
“Relax, baby,” Jason cooed, his grip still tight despite the soothing tone in his voice. I struggled to remain calm, urging my breaths to come steadily, my chest pumping full of air and letting it all out before taking the next. I felt my boyfriend position himself between my legs, spreading my thighs with his knees until I was splayed as far as I could go. Through my pants I felt his free hand caressing the crotch of my jeans, rubbing intently over the seam that hid my clit from him.
My clit was being ground roughly, but it still stimulated me enough to incite a soft moan from between my lips. I shut my eyes tight and moved my hips, trying to get away from his hand. The feeling wasn’t exactly pleasure, but it certainly didn’t feel bad. It hurt in an intense way but at the same time it was making me want more. Unable to stand the feelings I struggled again, tugging at my wrists at the same time that I bucked my hips, trying to get away from his body, but he held me still.
“Stay still,” he said, softly again, the grinding slowing down into a steady movement. I panted and shook my head back and forth, finally burying my face in the blanket. I whimpered and pushed my hips back, allowing him easier access to my covered slit.
I moaned against my own will as my body rubbed against the bed. The feeling of my boyfriend pressing against me overwhelmed me, and I found myself drifting into a thoughtless state. This was the way it had to happen, I told myself.
The hand stopped its attentions and moved underneath my pelvis, feeling for the button a zip of my fly. I moaned again as I felt the waist of my pants moving down my legs. Jason had to push my thighs back together to slide them down my body, and a draft of cool air hit my wet slit as I was bared in front of him.
Gently, Jason caressed my bare bottom, smoothing the skin with the palm of his hand. His fingers teased my flesh, kneading it softly, and slowly pushed the cheeks apart.
I tensed instantly, tightening my muscles and whimpering again. My most private place was exposed to the man I loved, and I didn’t want it that way.
Jason’s hands slipped down from my buttocks between the crux of my legs, caressing the slit there softly. I was wet from the earlier stimulation and moaned as he began to slide his finger along the warm flesh, stroking it until it was hard and even more sensitive than before. His thick middle finger dipped into the slick fluids gathering in pools so deep they almost dripped down my thighs, and he spread the wetness up my crack further and further until his finger was rubbing the slick lubrication around my puckered, private hole.
I pushed my face harder against the mattress, struggling to block out the things that were happening to my body. My pussy felt swollen with arousal, but my bottom was telling me that bad things were about to happen. Fear had peaked, and I was breathing heavily. Jason’s hand still clasped my wrists tightly, pinning me in place, and I couldn’t even struggle for fear that he would take more drastic measures to keep me there.
The fingers slid down my crack again to my pussy and gathered more of my wetness, spreading it again at my anus, and this time they lingered there as I bent before him, my ass up in the air, presented to him like some sort of reluctant offering. My tightly closed eyes flinched as I felt his warm finger press softly against my bud, wriggling and pushing slightly until the tip of it was inside me.
This wasn’t my first invasion; I’d fingered myself there before. But I always felt so dirty and ashamed, afraid to share this experience with anyone, even the man that I loved so much. Jason seemed to know what I was feeling, and he pulled his finger out almost instantly, petting my bottom in a comforting but almost condescending way. I whimpered as he spread my cheeks again and pressed his finger there once more, prying it open further and putting his finger nearly all of the way inside me.
Jason paused, his finger inside me, and started to twist it inside my body. I gasped as the tip of the object toyed with my insides, the finger seeming unreasonably thick, but I knew that compared to other parts of his body, it was small.
A warm feeling spread in my belly as Jason prodded at me, a strange feeling that might have been arousal, but was so mixed with my humiliation I couldn’t even tell. I opened my eyes briefly, tugged at my wrists one more time, but still could not free myself. I took a deep breath and tried to relax, struggling to keep the feelings directed towards arousal, instead of the other options.
The finger slid out of me and I felt Jason’s whole hand slide down my slit, gathering all the fluid there, even as my body produced more. There was no denying that I was wet. Usually by the time we started actual physical contact my fluids had dried up, causing me pain as we went further. For some reason this experience was keeping the juices coming, and I thanked God for this small blessing.
Jason pushed his finger back inside me, much more easily this time as I relaxed around him. He toyed with me a little more, and then slid it out a final time.
His finger slipped out and something much thicker and larger started to push its way into my somewhat opened hole. I knew what it was, and I cried out even while forcing my muscles to relax as much as they could. My body felt stretched so far it would tear, and tears welled in my eyes as I feared I would do just that. But my body was tougher than I had imagined, and soon Jason’s cock had hit home, stretching me to the limit, but it was there.
The feeling was intense. It wasn’t as painful as I had feared, but wasn’t enjoyable in the way I had hoped. There was a feeling, something bordering on pleasure, but I couldn’t think of anything but the shame of having my boyfriend buried in that dirty place. I squeezed my eyes shut as one of the tears escaped, wetting my cheek and lingering at my lips so I could taste the salty liquid.
“You okay?” Jason asked. I loved him so much. I was ashamed at the position I was in, but at the same time I was glad it was him I was sharing it with. Nodding, I gave my consent for him to go on, and he did.
Slowly, the pain at his thrusts very minimal, Jason began to move out of my bottom. It felt as though he were dragging my insides with him as he went, but before he left me completely he began pushing slowly back inside. I remained bent over the bed, my hips thrust upward in a pitiful attempt to keep position. Another tear escaped me as Jason’s cock disappeared into my body again.
Jason’s hand moved down between my legs and I whimpered softly as he began to play with my sensitive flesh, toying with it with his large fingers and sliding through the slick fluids. His middle finger made its way up inside my body, flicking the inside of me and stroking the insides. I moaned, finally feeling pleasure during this experience, as his thumb slid the flesh aside from my clit and began to flick the hard nub softly.