Erased

Just then, his thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of his cell phone, which was in his coat pocket that was lying on one of the other kitchen chairs. As he got up from his chair to walk over to get his phone, he pushed through the protective plastic covering of the pills, extracted one pill and as he was about to place it into his month, he pulled his phone out of his coat pocket and, according to caller ID, it was her. Should he answer it?

As he stared at the ringing cell phone he imagined what would happen if he didn't answer the phone and swallowed the pill. He started to daydream that he would start to get nauseous and dizzy. His head would be throbbing and he would start to panic; he would be afraid of what his life was going to be without her. He imagined that his body would go into an uncontrollable convulsion as he fought to hold on to her memory. In his mind, he imagined that while grapping his head, from within the depths of his soul he would hear a blood curling scream ......NOOOOOOO.

The room would start spinning and when it stopped, he had been transported to some sort of a fuzzy Wizard of Oz type of setting, and he found himself kneeling before an intense light, surrounded by the most brilliant colors and wonderful smells everywhere. At first he was panic stricken and thought, Oh shit, I'm dead, that F ing pill killed me; Great. When all of sudden, the light spoke to him and surprisingly, he was relaxed. "Tell me my son what are you running from" as the colors and smells intensified.

Still kneeling, he said "you just don't know what it is like to see her in all my thoughts and dreams, going through life and constantly waking up without her by my side; knowing that despite what she says that she doesn't really want to be there and/or with me. She keeps running from me and not toward me. I've given up so much to be with her. She recently told me that she was afraid to make a mistake. I am NO MISTAKE. I know I would be the best thing that ever happened to her, I would make a difference. I will test her; I will make her accountable, and I will teach and show her by example what it is to love unconditionally. I am sure we will fight, and that I will make her so mad that at times, she'll want to scream in frustration. Although I am in love with her, I am not afraid to hurt her feelings. I am not afraid to tell her that she is being an ass when she is. I will tell her things that nobody has ever had the courage to tell her out of fear that she'll withdraw emotionally from them like she always does. But, I'll always do it with undying love in my heart. And when she tries to withdraw and ran away from her problems and/or me, I run along side her until she gets tired so we can talk it out. I'm not afraid to hurt her feelings and fight with her. It's her that I want to fight with, nobody else. I have and will always be brutally honest with her, no matter the personal consequences I might endure and/or whether I could avoid it with a "little white lie".

It's just too painful dreaming of her every day of my life. I dream that I am her hero, always capable of rescuing and easing her every pain, and that she is my Queen and that I make her feel so alive and happy that she sings silly songs and tells me made up stories about fruit. But yet, when I wake up, I'm always alone; she's constantly pushing me away. She keeps telling me that she's leaving it in god's hands. Why doesn't she understand that my heart is in her hands, for I'm hers for the taking; that I'm ripe and ready to be harvested? Why does she play with my heart; doesn't she understand that even when she's next to me that's still too far away? I have to face the reality that she doesn't want to be MINE; that I'll never be more then comfort food to her and that you cannot mold someone into what you wish them to be. While I'll do anything for her love, I need a sign, a jesture that we're a team, that she believes in us and me.

Just then the light, colors and smells intensified and he heard a Wizard of Oz type voice boomed from the light. "So what's it going to be? Swallow the pill and close you eyes and I'll take you through the final phase and you'll be free of the pain, of the torment of her not loving you; of all memories of her. Or keep you eyes open and answer you cell phone, knowing that life is an uncertainty; maybe she'll surprise you and be all that you had hoped she would be and love you the way you deserve; or maybe, she'll continue to take you for granted and disappoint you again by not giving you the love and support you deserve? So what's it going to be? Now, Now. You must make a decision right now. You have no time to think or be afraid. Make your choice Now! What's it going to be?

Just then, he was back in his house as his cell phone continued to ring. He went to answer but it stopped before he had the chance. He waited a moment for it to go to his message center and it didn't; that was the signal he was waiting for.

He thought about his future; he saw himself 20 years from now, still chasing her and how unhappy and unfilled the journey would be, and he finally came to the realization that he must now admit failure before he subjects himself to too many more heartbreaks. He must accept that there will always be something else, lingering like the stink of death, to keep her always a little more distant from him. She will never be willing to give him her whole heart; he will always be a convenience friend and never a soul mate. Once he admitted this to himself, he then took a deep breath, closed eyes and swallowed the pill and all memories of her started to fade, including erasing the memories that he loved her. He was finally free.

As for her, one day she will look at herself and realize she is one of the loneliest woman on earth. She will look in the mirror and she will wonder why her life has fallen apart. She will cry and wish for things she cannot find. And then it will suddenly occur to her. She had it all once. She had a man who would have died for her and spent the rest of his life making her feel like a princess.

And she threw it all away.