Erasing Julie Ch. 03

Julie's headstone had the inscription: "Loving wife and mother". Well, a few strokes with a felt marker and "wife" became "slut". He chuckled to himself. What a great joke – and it was true! Yes, the maintenance crews would quickly undo the vandalism to the headstone, but he had taken a picture with his smart phone so he could view his handiwork at any time.

And urinating on her grave was quite satisfying. She had pissed all over him and their marriage, so it was only fitting that he piss all over her. Damn, he thought, how he hated that woman.

Gus unlocked the car and sat down in the driver's seat. He had returned to Anchorage about a week before the wedding to help Bess with organizing. It was the least he could do. She only had one parent now. And he wanted to look up Shelly Green.

He started the car.

"That was childish, Gus. You're a better man than that."

"What!?" Gus looked all around. He was certain the cemetery was deserted and no one saw him. He checked the back seat and drove quickly away.

"What the fuck?" he said under his breath.

"Slow down, Gus. A police car is hiding two blocks ahead."

"Who's there?" he shouted, but he took his foot off the accelerator. A few seconds later he saw the partly hidden police sedan with a laser speed gun pointed at his car.

"Fuck, what is going on?" Gus shouted as he looked all around the car.

"Slow down, Gus. Pull into the parking lot on the right ahead and stop. You might get into an accident."

Gus followed directions. He parked and turned off the car.

"Okay, now who's playing a trick on me here?" Gus said angrily.

"Look at the passenger seat, Gus."

Gus turned and saw Julie sitting in the seat. She was wearing jeans and a white blouse. She smiled at him. He reached out with his right hand to touch her and it passed though her.

"Jeez! Julie? You can't be here! You're dead!" Gus shouted.

"My body died, Gus. But I am very much alive."

"Damn you! Damn you to hell! Leave me alone!" Gus screamed.

"There is no hell, Gus. Sorry."

"Why are you here? What do you want?" Gus cried desperately.

"We need to talk, Gus. But not now. Tomorrow night, when you are alone in your hotel room."She disappeared from the seat, leaving a very upset Gus in the car alone.

"Shit," he said, "no one is going to believe this." Gus waited until he felt calm, then, he drove to City Diner for breakfast.

Sunday, August 1

Gus unlocked his hotel room, threw the key on the desk, kicked off his shoes and collapsed on his bed as the hotel room door slammed closed.

God, what a day! He thought to himself.

Bess had run him ragged. First the caterer and reviewing the reception food list. Next the reception hall, then the florist, then visiting the church. The cost of the wedding was over twenty-five thousand dollars, and the amount was climbing by the thousands every day. He had the money, and he wanted Bess to have a nice wedding. But the sheer amount of things to orchestrate for a wedding was overwhelming.

He forced himself out of bed, shed his clothes and took a hot shower. The hot water revived him somewhat. He dried off and walked back into the main room.

"You're a good father, Gus. Bess is lucky to have you."

"What?"cried a startled Gus as he used the towel to cover his nakedness.

"I have seen you naked before, Gus."

"Where the fuck are you?" he shouted.

"Look at the chair opposite the bed, Gus."

Gus looked at the chair and saw Julie. She was dressed in the same jeans and white blouse as yesterday.

"Have a seat, Gus. We need to talk."

"I really have nothing to say to a cheating slut," Gus said as he sat on the bed. "I'm glad you are dead and out of my life for good. Just go away a leave me alone."

"Okay. I'll talk, and you just listen, Gus."

"What if I fucking don't want to listen to you?"

"Then I will remain in your life, Gus. If you want to get rid of me, the first step is to listen to me. Do you want your dead wife haunting you for the rest of your life?"

"Fuck, no!" Gus admitted. "Okay, I'll listen. I don't know if you are real or just a figment of my imagination. I just want you the fuck out of my life!"

"I'll give you the short version. If you have any questions, I'll do my best to answer them."

Gus just shrugged his shoulders.

"Gus, when I died we had unfinished business between us. Here they call it a karmic debt. Until the debt is cancelled I am tethered to you with a karmic cord and I can't move on. I have to stay with you until you die."

"Bullshit!" exclaimed Gus.

"Your forgiveness will cancel the karmic debt."

"Julie, you are a lying, cheating slut. I'll never forgive you," Gus replied forcefully.

"I'm sorry you feel that way, Gus. That is unfortunate."

"Maybe, I'll forgive you after I die, slut. Then again, maybe not. You will have to wait a long time, because I intend to live a long time."

"Well, Gus, that won't work. You can only forgive when you are incarnate, in a body. And you may not have as much time in that body as you think."

"What do you mean?"

"Have you noticed how you've changed in the past few months? The Gus I knew and loved hardly ever used the word 'fuck', yet you use it all the time. Have you noticed how negative you've become? Have you noticed that you have less energy now? The karmic cord between us is draining your life energy."

"That sounds like a threat."

"If you don't forgive me, Gus, you are going to have a short, miserable life. You will probably not live to see your second grandchild."

"Well, fuck you very much. And you are the cause of it all, slut. You are responsible for all of this, not me. We had a great life together until you fucked it up. Literally."

"It's not what I did or didn't do, Gus. It's about the choices you make. You can choose a path of happiness and love, or you can choose a path of misery and hate. Isn't that what Shelly said? Right now you are choosing to hate me, and it keeps me connected to you. It affects every part of your life. You won't like the consequences."

"What do you mean?"

"If you don't forgive me before you die, we have to do it all over again, Gus. We keep doing it over and over again until we get it right. It's one of the Rules here."

"Shit. I don't want to do this over again."

"We were so close. If you would have come to the hospital and forgiven me, we would have been complete around the karmic agreement."

"Bullshit! I don't believe you! You're just lying to me, just like you lied to me for the past two years. You fucking betrayed me, Julie."

"I can't lie, Gus. People can only lie when they are in a body."

Gus just stared at her.

"You are feeling overwhelmed, Gus. Think about what I said. We will talk again in a few days."

Julie disappeared in an instant.

"Fuck!" whispered a confused Gus.

Monday, August 2

"Hi, Dad!" Josh said as he slid into the booth. Josh had invited his dad to a late lunch at the Bear Tooth Restaurant, and Gus was glad to excuse himself temporarily from the wedding preparation chaos. They chatted for a few minutes about school and Bess's wedding.

"I haven't had time to talk much to you since I arrived back in Anchorage, Josh. I wanted to let you know that John Davis has been negotiating with the Muni over your mother's accident. John estimates that I will be getting a sizable settlement. I plan to set up a family trust with the money, and I also plan to retire."

"That's good news, Dad," Josh replied.

The waiter came and took their order.

"Something seems to be bothering you, Josh. Is everything okay with you?"

"Yeah, Dad, something is bothering me. It's around Mom's dying. That hit me really hard, you know. Bess, too. Did you know that she has started going to church every week since Mom died? She told me that she prays for Mom."

"I know she does, son."

"It doesn't bother you at all does it?" Josh asked me directly. "Mom's dying, I mean."

"No, it doesn't," Gus replied shaking his head.

"I miss her," Josh admitted. "I'm still really angry about the lies and the deception and all. She used us, Bess and me, to hide her actions from you, Dad."

"She used everyone who loved her, Josh. She took our love and twisted it around to stab me in the back. Your mother became selfish and self-centered. The only thing that mattered to her was getting what she wanted."

"I think she realized that in the end. She apologized to Bess and me, Dad. We both forgave her. It meant a lot to her to have us forgive her. She was dying and all, you know."

Gus looked at his son and noticed that he was trying not to cry.

"Dad, I've got to know. Why didn't you come to see Mom before she died? Were you really someplace where you couldn't get back up here in time, like John Davis said?"

Gus considered how to answer his son's question. After they married, Julie and Gus had matured as a couple. They became each other's best friend and shared every aspect of their lives: hopes, fears, and desires. What enabled them to grow together was trust and integrity; they trusted each other one hundred percent, and they were certain that each would each act with integrity to protect and maintain the relationship.

"Two years ago something changed for your mother, son. She had a number of ways she could have dealt with that change. She could have trusted me and told me what was going on for her. Instead she engages in a cold, calculated deception for over two years. She was playing the role of devoted wife while I was home, then running to be with her lover when I left to work on the Slope."

"Josh, our marriage ended two years ago when your mother threw away over twenty years of trust, integrity and love so that she could get her needs met at the expense of those who were closest to her." Anger and hate boiled up in Gus. "She was a lying, cheating slut. And I don't want people like that in my life, Josh. I don't want to talk with them. I don't want to listen to them. I don't want to be around them. I hate people who act that way. I erased her, Josh. She doesn't exist for me anymore!"

"So, no, I didn't come see her. I wouldn't have come see her if I was in the next room, much less in Houston. I don't give a fuck if she wanted to see me. Don't you see, Josh? It was her last attempt to get what she wanted, and the hell with everyone else. Well, I decided I wasn't going to play that game anymore – ever!"

Josh listened to his father with wide-eyed attention. When Gus finished, the silence hung in the air.

"I didn't know about all that, Dad," Josh commented quietly. "I'm really sorry. She hurt you bad, really bad."

"You got that right."

"But I don't think you really erased her, Dad", Josh observed. "I think you are still carrying her around with you along with a whole bunch of anger, pain and hate."

Gus just stared at his son, recalling the two appearances of Julie's ghost. His son was right. "Maybe I need some help," Gus whispered.

"Yeah, I think you do," Josh confirmed.

Tuesday, August 3

"Thanks for seeing me this afternoon on such short notice, Shelly," Gus offered as he sat down in the comfortable chair in front of her desk. Over the past few months he had forgotten his attraction to Shelly and being in her presence allowed him to relax.

"Well, I did have a last-minute cancellation," Shelly replied. "But I must admit I am curious how you have fared since our last therapy session. When was it? The end of March, I think. About four months ago. How are you doing, Gus?"

Gus related his life over the past few months beginning with Julie's death. He ended at his conversation with his son the previous day. "I guess my son helped me realize that I need some help, Shelly," Gus concluded.

"Did you continue writing in your journal and going to counseling sessions in Houston?"

"No. It really didn't seem necessary. Julie was dead. I had erased her from my life. Everything was tied up neatly. No more Julie! Now I could get on with my life."

Shelly observed Gus and felt that something was wrong. She was beginning to really like this honest and faithful man. With two failed marriages due to cheating spouses, Shelly was well aware of how rare a man of Gus's caliber was. But something was just not right with him.

"Are you happy, Gus? Are you dating anyone? Are you really moving on?"

"I guess, "no" to all your questions," Gus admitted.

Shelly just waited. Gus was hiding something, she was sure of it.

"Shelly, if someone sees something that is impossible, that doesn't make them crazy, does it?"

"Not necessarily, Gus."

"I mean, you won't report me or anything, right?"

"No, Gus, I am here to help you. Everything you say is confidential unless you admit to a major crime. Then I have to report it."

"You can tell her, Gus. She will help you."

Gus looked at the chair next to him and saw Julie.

Gus weighted his options. He really liked Shelly and if he moved back to Anchorage, he would really like to see more of her. He didn't know if she was married, but an attractive woman like Shelly probably had a husband or steady boyfriend. Gus probably didn't have a chance.

"Shelly is divorced, Gus. Twice. Both of her husbands cheated on her. She's not dating anyone right now. Tell her about me. What do you have to lose?"

"Uh, well, I've seen Julie two or three times since I've been back to Anchorage," Gus hesitantly explained. "I mean, not Julie really because she's dead. It's like I see her ghost."

Shelly smiled. This one was easy. Gus was imagining Julie as a method to work through his issues around her cheating. Her untimely death did not allow any face-to-face resolution or forgiveness. In fact her death cheated Gus of closure that divorce would have brought. It was yet another betrayal by Julie. At some level Gus knew that he needed to release Julie before he could move on.

"Okay, Gus, it's not all that unusual. Does she say anything to you?"

"Yeah, well, she said that if I want to live a long, happy life, I have to forgive her. Stuff like that. So, I'm not crazy?"

"No, Gus. You are not crazy. You are just unhappy, and down deep you know the reason why. You really still love Julie, but you hate what she did to you and your family. You also never grieved her death."

Gus nodded in agreement and felt relieved.

"You made this ghost up, Gus," Shelly continued. "It's just a projection – like a waking dream – that you created to help you see what you need to do."

Gus looked over at Julie, and Julie smiled back at him. "She looks damn real to me!"

"Be gentle, Gus. She can't see or hear me."

"Is she here now?" asked a concerned Shelly.

"Yep, she is."

"She's not real, Gus. Here, I'll prove it to you. Ask her a question for me: What are the names of my two sons?"

"Shelly has only one child, a daughter named Anne Marie. Shelly calls her Annie. Tell her, Gus."

"Julie says that your only child is a girl named Annie," Gus relayed.

"What? How did you know that?" demanded Shelly.

Gus didn't want to alarm Shelly and he now wished he hadn't told her about seeing Julie's ghost.

"Julie told me," he simply answered.

Shelly stared directly at Gus without saying anything for a minute. Was he checking up on her? Spying on her? Gus appeared to like her, but all Shelly seemed to attract was losers. She needed to confront Gus.

"I don't believe you," Shelly finally replied. "Tell me how you knew about Annie? Don't lie to me Gus."

"Gus, please tell Shelly that it doesn't make any difference if I am real or not. She can help you heal. That's all that matters."

"Shelly, I guess it really doesn't matter to me if Julie's ghost is real or not. What's important is that I get the help I need to heal and move on," Gus stated. "Can you help me?"

Shelly considered Gus's request. His knowledge of her personal life unsettled her, but she couldn't shake her strong feelings towards Gus. He did believe that he saw his dead wife, but what he really wanted was to let go of the pain and hate. Shelly could help him. Gus deserved that much. "Yes, Gus, I will help you."

"Good," Gus affirmed. "I'm ready now."

"Gus, one more thing before I go. She likes you. You would be good for each other."

Julie disappeared from Gus's peripheral vision and he was able to completely focus on his therapist. Shelly was a beautiful woman who dressed to discourage any male attention but he wanted to lavish attention and love on her. It had been months since he desired to be with a woman. Sadly, he realized that he would be able to pursue her only after he released Julie from his life.

"Okay. Let's begin," said Shelly as she took back control of the session. "Gus, the best path to release Julie is to forgive her."

"Hell, no!" Gus cried.

"The other path is release," Shelly continued. "Release is not as complete as forgiveness, and certain emotions and energy may remain with you that forgiveness eliminates. However, release will allow you to rebuild your life."

"How does release work?"

"You must be completely transparent about everything that happened with Julie over the last two years," explained Shelly.

"With everyone?"

"Yes, Gus, with everyone. If you hide nothing, if you have no secrets, you will be releasing Julie. And as you release Julie, the anger, pain and hate will be released as well. Are you ready?"

"Yes, Shelly, I am."

Wednesday, August 4

"How does that fit now, sir?"

Gus moved his arms around and shrugged his shoulders.

"It's much better thank you," Gus replied. "These tuxedos are not that uncomfortable when they fit right."

"Yes, sir," he replied.

"Hey, Dad," Josh strode over to his father. "You're lookin' mighty fine in that tux!"

"Thanks, son. I'm just glad I only have to wear this for one day." Gus was grateful for his son's help not just with the wedding preparations but also with his assessment a few days ago that Gus needed help. He had grown closer to his son in the past few days and he was pleased that his Josh was becoming a fine young man.

"You seem much better today than on Monday, Dad. Did you see that counselor?"

"Yes, I did. And I plan to stay in Anchorage and work with her. Three times a week for a while."

"Glad to hear it, Dad."

"I guess it's what it needed to do, son."

Josh gave his father a hug.

"What was that for?" Gus asked.

"It's just what I needed to do," Josh replied with a big smile.

Thursday, August 5

Ting! Ting! Ting!

Gus rang the empty wine glass with his fork and stood up at the head of the table.

"Thank you all for attending the wedding dinner with us," he said looking back at the twenty-four pairs of eyes staring at him. "Tomorrow Bess and Brian will be married," Gus continued. The assembled group applauded and shouted their approval. "Several months ago, I gave them my blessing to marry. And I shared my advice about marriage with them."

"Yeah," someone in the back spoke up. "You're the Marriage Dad."

"Yes," Gus replied with a smile. "I understand that the video Josh made was a big hit on the internet. I'm glad. I hope it helped other couples."

"It sure helped us, Dad" Bess added.

"Tonight, I want to amend to my earlier advice. A chapter two, if you will. It seems that I left out something important last time, Bess. So, I'm offering more advice tonight for the two of you," Gus said looking at Bess and Brian.

Gus's palms were sweaty and he was working to keep his voice from cracking. He had asked Shelly's advice on this short speech and she told him that he might be rushing things. But Gus needed to put the past behind him, so he could have a life again.