Erotica Blunders: Take 1

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How did his pants get on backwards?
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Rrrosyn
Rrrosyn
2 Followers

Welcome to the erotica blunders of a virgin.

These are NOT excerpts from longer pieces. So grab a beer or a glass of wine, make yourself comfortable and enjoy the laughter.

Straight from the pages of the red notebook that I still deny exists; here are two tales from the bad side of erotica and murderers of the English language in general.

**********

One: A Favor

They walked slowly across the desert plain, holding hands with a silent passion.

Wonder what kind of stride that would be.

She stopped suddenly and turned to face him. Her hands went gently to his shoulders.

"A favor?" she asked.

He took both her hands in his. "Anything," he sighed.

"Before you go could you... I mean would you make love to me?" Where had she gotten the courage to ask?

"You silly girl," he said. "If you'd waited another minute I would have asked you for that honor."

He removed his shirt and spread it out on the fragrant grass.

Whoa! What kind of grass grows on the "desert plain?"

When he stood again, his lips claimed hers, becoming more and more demanding with every kiss. Little moaning sounds deep within her. He took her breath away and gave it back, breathing hotly through her entire body, his tongue playfully teasing hers.

Is he performing CPR?

They lowered themselves to the ground crushing the greenest of grasses beneath them. His large hands fumbled frantically at the buttons of her blouse. She'd known he'd wanted her, but she had no idea how much until now.

She ran her fingers through his hair and down his back. His muscles twitched erotically as her fingers caressed their way to the zipper of his jeans. She gingerly pulled down the zipper and slipped her small hand inside his underpants. His phallus was growing with his eagerness.

Down his back to his zipper? Maybe she should be wondering why his pants are on backwards.

She helped him writhe out of his clothes and quickly shed her own. She forced him to lay down and straddled his pulsating body. His naked skin felt so good against hers.

She nibbled his collarbone ravenously, then kissed his mouth skillfully using her tongue and lips on his ears and neck, moving down across his chest and belly, lightly flicking her tongue in quick butterfly strokes against his groin and penis, then each leg, down to his toe, slowly licking each toe, watching his erection grow.

*Inhales deeply* Loooong sentence.

After a while, her tongue began to work its way back up his body, moving slowly, expertly finding all the erotic crevives and sensitive areas, and exploring them.

He caught her by the waist and they rolled, so he was on top of her. He cupped the swollen mounds of her breasts. He kissed her eyes, her nose, her ears, then ran his tongue down her throat to capture a budding nipple. She arched up in an instinctive plea for fulfillment.

His hands danced past her waist, between her thighs and to the dampness there. His sweet mouth followed his hands and his tongue replaced his fingers, probing the tender depths there, relishing her precious juices.

Dancing fingers? Lord of the Fingerdance!

She took his head in her hands and pulled his body over hers. Her turgid nipples rubbed against his chest, quivering with the need that was raging through her.

His lips claimed hers again. She could feel his heart beating against her breast and his male hardness against her thigh. He was fully aroused now.

I think his lips are a bit too possessive. Down boy!

He forced her legs apart, his penis swollen to an enormous tumescence. his fingers danced to her hips and pulled her hard against his aroused manhood.

She was filled with fiery flesh and sinew, flashing pleasure mixed with sharp pain, as he entered her. She arched, feeling her own resistance as he drove hard against her virgin's shield.

Is that a plain wood or metal plated shield?

He moved his hips more carefully now. He grasped her buttocks and kept her movements in time with his own sensuous rhythm. He plunged deeper and deeper inside her, rocking back and forth. She began to move with him, her hips writhing in quickening spasms.

Sure! Now he slows down.

She held his shoulders, holding him close to her. He began to pump harder and faster in a frantic pounding motion. Her body shuddered with every thrust and she began to climax. Her body jerked in great orgasmic spasms.

Speeds up.

Finally, his body shuddered as his throbbing pulse burst, bathing her insides with his hot fulfillment.

It's over all ready?

**********

Could it get any worse? Definitely.

**********

Two: Someone Knocking

Someone was knocking. Somewhere through the darkness beyond the pitter-patter of the rain, someone was banging against the door and its sound dragged her up through the many layers of sleep to sudden consciousness. Sweat trickled down her cheek as her blood pounded in her ears.

The knocking came again.

Knock, knock. Who's there?

She jumped to her feet with the realization that she wasn't dreaming. She glided silently on cats' feet to the door and pulled it open against the force of the wind and rain.

Cat's feet. Think she has rat breath?

Before her stood a very wet young man. He stood a few inches taller than her, with a medium build. Droplets of water dripped from his dusty blond hair and into his eyes.

His denim jeans and old torn T-shirt clung tightly to his drenched body. His breath was heavily stressed and reeked greatly of beer. He staggered through the doorway, slamming the door and shutting out the chaos of the storm.

She stood loose-jawed with surprise. She'd only met him once before and they hadn't gotten off very well. Or at all for that matter. She couldn't understand why he would come to her in such a state.

"Are you insane?" she yelled at a whisper. "You'll wake the entire household."

Yell? Whisper? You decide.

She took his trembling hand in her own and led him to her room, where she forced him to sit at the edge of her bed. As she started toward the bathroom, he caught her wrist and pulled her to him.

"I had to see you tonight." His voice was low and deep, and it sent a chill through her spine.

"Listen," she pleaded. "You don't know what you're doing."

What is he doing?

Lightning flashed and for a moment the room was flooded with light. He studied her silhouette against the gray storm. Her see-through nightdress billowed about her. Its ruffled sleeves fell over her pallid shoulders so that the entire dress was held suspended by only her luscious breasts. In the half-light the darkness of her pubic hair and large, hardened nipples could be seen through the nightdress.

Lightning flash. He's a quick study.

He closed his eyes locking the beauty of the picture away in the deepest part of his mind, then sighed.

"I shouldn't have come here," he gasped. "I should never have... "

What? What'd he do?

His voice trailed off as he forced himself to look away. She was no longer the obsessed little girl he'd met earlier. Instead before him stood a woman. Every imperfection, perfect. Every flaw, beautifully placed.

One word: oxymora.

She kneeled beside him, taking his hands into the warmth of hers.

"You did what you thought was necessary." Her voice flowed through him, pulling him closer to her.

What DID he do?

He knelt down with her, gathering up her skirt and slipping his hands gently up the inside of her thigh. She tensed at his suddenness, then relaxed.

She's in a dress.

His hands continued to glide up with hers guiding them. They passed over her hips to her waist, around and up underneath her breasts. His hands were soft and warm. They glided gracefully against her delicate skin.

His face came close to hers until his moist lips claimed hers. His tongue slipped past her teeth to rest against her palate, sucking her mouth's juices.

Hope she brushed before bed.

She slowly moved away from him. She wasn't quite sure she could...

He caught her shoulders, making her eyes met his. The again, now was as good a time as any.

For what?

Her fingers fumbled numbly at the button of his pants. Frustrated, she bowed her head and bit the button off. Then, she slowly pulled down the zipper. Her fingers slipped gingerly down into his pants and pulled them to the floor.

What? That's it?

**********

Did you expect it to be finished? I was a virgin who'd never even been kissed.

My vague point: If you are going to write erotica, at the very least watch a pornographic movie. (I still haven't done that.)

Rrrosyn
Rrrosyn
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2 Comments
SexuallyfreeSexuallyfreealmost 15 years ago
Thanks for the Laugh

This was very light hearted and I enjoyed it. Guess proof reading is a good practice to partake in before submitting and sharing any creative piece, no?

AnonymousAnonymousover 19 years ago
Ho Ho Ho He He He Ha Ha ----Etc.

Dear Rrrosyn, Your sense of humor is wonderful. I haven't laughed that much in a long time. You missed a good one. "She took his head in her hands and moved him on top of her body", sounds a lot like professional wrestling and they are strictly amature. Seriously, you make many good points that I, as a wanna-be writer, will take to heart. Thanks again for a good belly laugh.

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