tagHumor & SatireEven More Fucked Up Fairy Tales

Even More Fucked Up Fairy Tales

byTheBigandBaldGuy©

A long time ago there was a king who every day would say to his queen, "Ah, if only we had a child." His queen would nod and agree, but of course the reason they didn't have any children was because she had long been on the pill since she was getting fucked by every cock in the castle and had no intention of getting knocked up. But it happened that once while the queen was getting nailed doggy style by the captain of the guard near a pond, a frog crept out of the water on to the land, and said to her, "The king's wish shall be fulfilled, and before a year has gone by, you shall have a daughter."

The queen smashed the little green fucker with a near-by rock for delivering such terrible news, and said to the captain, "I need to stop doing all those mushrooms; I just saw a fucking talking frog!"

Yet despite the queen's belief that she was hallucinating, what the frog was a magic messenger and what it said came true. The queen had a little girl, who was so pretty that they named her Rose, and the king could not contain himself for joy; he ordered a great feast to celebrate her birth. He invited not only his kindred, friends and acquaintances, but also the Wise Women of the land in order that they might be kind and well-disposed towards the child. There were thirteen of them in his kingdom, but, as he had only twelve golden plates for them to eat out of, the king very stupidly decided that one of them had to be left at home. Dumb, cheap bastard!

The feast was held with all manner of splendor and towards the end of the evening the Wise Women bestowed their magic gifts upon the baby -- one gave health, another beauty, a third riches, and so on with everything in the world that one can wish for.

When eleven of them had made their promises, suddenly the thirteenth came in -- and boy was she pissed! She wished to avenge herself for not having been invited, and without greeting, or even looking at anyone, the bitch cried with a loud voice, "The king's daughter shall in her nineteenth year be pierced by a prick and fall down dead." Then, without saying a word more, she turned round and left the room.

They were all shocked, and more than a little disappointed because this party had just gotten to the good point where everyone's heavy buzz was starting to turn into serious horniness and they were getting ready to split for some good fucking...but, oh no, that bitch number 13 had to fly in like she was raging on the rag or something and ruin everyone's fuck time! But anyway...Wise Woman the twelfth, whose good wish still remained unspoken, came forward, and as she could not undo the evil curse but only soften it, said, "It shall not be death, but a deep sleep of a hundred years, into which the princess shall fall after she is pierced."

The king, who would keep his dear child from the misfortune, gave orders that every object capable of pricking her skin and piercing her body in the whole kingdom should be destroyed. Every sword, knife, arrow, and cleaver was melted down, while every other sharp object was burned. The crazy old man even had every single rose bush and briar patch pulled up and destroyed in an effort to protect the child from being pricked. Meanwhile the gifts of the wise women were plenteously fulfilled on the young girl, for she was so beautiful, buxom, good-natured, intelligent, funny, healthy, and flexible, that everyone who saw her was bound to love her -- and every man wanted to fuck her silly.

It happened that on the very day when she was nineteen years old, the king and queen were not at home, and the maiden was left in the palace quite alone. So she went round into all sorts of places, looked into rooms and bed-chambers just as she liked, and at last came to an old tower. She climbed up the narrow winding staircase, and reached a little door. A rusty key was in the lock, and when she turned it the door sprang open, and there in a little room sat an old woman with a spindle, busily spinning her flax.

Behind the old woman stood the broadest, most well-built and sexiest man she had ever laid eyes on. It must of course be remembered that growing up in a castle meant growing up in what was basically a military fort, so the young woman had been surrounded by men her whole life. Most of her father's soldiers were perfectly average looking men, and while she had certainly spent many a pleasant evening down in the barracks sucking off entire platoons at a time and getting drenched in their jizz, she just never had seen a man worth actually fucking...until now.

"Good day, old mother," said the king's daughter, "what are you doing there? And who is this fine piece of man meat we have here?"

"I'm spinning," said the old woman, and nodded her head. "And this is my...uh...nephew. Orlando."

"What sort of thing is that?" she said, pointing to the immense bulge in Orlando's leather pants.

"That," the old woman said, "is his magic cock. Would you like to see it?"

"Ooh, yes!" Rose almost chirped in joy.

Orlando dutifully untied the leather thong keeping his fly together and revealed to her what was the most immense, thick, hard, and altogether beautiful cock she had ever seen.

"Oh, my!" she cooed happily. "What a lovely cock! Say, Orlando...do you know today is my birthday?"

Orlando must have been as low on brains as he was high on looks, because the dunce of a hunk just stood there, cock in hand, and shook his head slowly and stupidly.

"Well, it is, and you know you have to give the birthday girl what she wants on her birthday, right?"

Now he nodded...stupidly.

"Oh, good boy! Well, I want that cock in this pussy," she said, now hiking up her skirt to reveal a smoothly shaved, soft pink pussy. Rose lay back on a bed that was conveniently already located in this small tower room that apparently been locked for her entire life (I know, I know, there really is no internal logic to fairy tales!) Orlando dutifully walked to her, stripping off his clothes as he did so to reveal an almost perfect male body, lean, muscular, chiseled and well-defined, and perfectly tanned. As Rose lay there, watching this example of perfect Latino masculinity walk towards her, she massaged her clit gently and happily anticipated the lovely pain of her first prick.

In the very moment when she felt Orlando's prick slid between her wet, tight pussy, Rose knew something amazing was happening. She instantly felt woozy and lightheaded, the pain of her cunt being pried open for the first time was more than compensated by the amazing tingle of his cock buried deep inside her. Orlando wasn't actually much on style, simply rather pounding away at her pussy like a jack-hammer, and roughly pulling her chemise away to play with her large tits and to be able to suck on her very erect nipples. Under the circumstances it hardly mattered because Rose quickly felt an orgasm wash across her body. As the last throes of her orgasmic shaking released the grip it had on her body, Rose felt Orlando's thick load of hot cum begin to fill her pussy, she also felt herself get sleepier and sleepier and her vision get blacker and blacker.

As she slowly slid into a deep, 100-year sleep, she heard the old woman cackle and say, "The king is such fucking dumbass! Melt all the knives...seriously?! I said she would be pierced by a prick! Holy fuck, what do I have to do, spell it out for you?! Dumbass can't even catch a simple allusion!"

As Orlando pulled his cum-soaked cock out of Rose she lay there in a deep sleep, and the magic of this sleep extended over the whole palace: The king and queen who had just come home and had entered the great hall slipped into a deep sleep, as did the whole of the court with them. The horses, too, went to sleep in the stable, the dogs in the yard, the pigeons upon the roof, even the flies on the wall. The wind fell, and on the trees before the castle not a leaf moved again.

All around about the castle there began to grow a magic hedge of thorns, which every year became higher and higher, at last growing tightly around the castle and all over it. Soon, there was nothing of the castle to be seen, not even the highest towers or the flags upon the roof. But the story of the beautiful sleeping Rose went all about the country and surrounding lands, so that from time to time kings' sons came and tried to get through the thorny hedge into the castle. But they found it impossible, for the thorns held fast together and the youths were caught in them, could not get loose again, and died a miserable death.

After many, many years a young prince came again to that country having heard the story of the lovely, ageless sleeping Rose. He had also heard from his grandfather that many other princes kings had already come, tried to get through the thorny hedge, but wound up getting stuck on the giant thorns like royal shish kabobs and had died a pitiful death.

"Eh, fuck it," the young prince said. "I am not afraid. I am brave enough to face the thorns and I will go see the beautiful Rose."

"Actually," his grandfather, the wizened old former king said, "you're not brave. You're immensely stupid. I just told you that you were likely to die. There is a significant difference between brave and stupid, and you, my dear dull grandchild, are stupid."

Yet despite how forcefully the good old man might dissuade him from going, the young prince would not listen to his words.

"But, Pops," the prince said, "I need to find a princess to marry, and maybe one that's asleep might find me a suitable mate."

"Or maybe one that's dead would like you even more, you fucking moron!" quipped his grandfather, still smarting from being called Pops.

But the painful truth of the matter was that the young prince might actually do better wooing a corpse than he would a princess. Although he was the very picture of princely good looks -- thick black hair, powerful jaw, strong muscles, blah blah blah -- he was about as interesting as a block of wood. In fact, there are blocks of wood in this general area of the world that are far more gifted conversationalists than the prince. Beyond that, wood at least serves a purpose -- about all the prince did was hunt and keep the king's lands safe from the deprivations of marauding rabbits, squirrels, and small water fowl.

So the prince set out, bent on claiming Rose as his own or to die trying. But by this time the hundred years had just passed, and the day had come when Rose was to awake again. When the prince came near to the thorn hedge it was nothing but large and beautiful flowers which had parted to create a pathway to the front gate. "Hmm," the prince cleverly noted, "these aren't thorns! Looks like the old fucker was wrong!"

In the castle yard he saw the horses and the spotted hounds lying asleep, on the roof sat the pigeons with their heads under their wings. And when he entered the house, the flies were asleep upon the wall and all the people were slumped in the positions they had been sleeping for the past century.

He went on farther, and in the great hall he saw the whole of the court lying asleep, and up by the throne laid the king and queen. Then he went on still farther, and all was so quiet that a breath could be heard. Things were so quiet, creepy and weird that by all rights the prince should have been totally freaking out, but he really was just too stupid to even realize he should be afraid!

At last he came to the tower, and opened the door into the little room where Rose was sleeping.

There she lay, so beautiful that he could not turn his eyes away. The prince stood there, bound to her loveliness, unable to tear his eyes away. She lay exactly as she had been one hundred years before when Orlando had pierced her with his prick, so her perfect pink pussy was revealed, glistening slightly in soft morning light streaming in from the slit windows, and her large, firm breasts and gum-drop nipples also were his to behold. Now, the prince might have been a dim wit even in a world of half lights, but he knew a good thing when he saw it.

And this, in case you were wondering, was a very good thing!!

One thing about being a complete dullard and having the personality of a used condom is that women generally don't really want to indulge you in all your sexual fantasies. Just ask Prince Blockhead here, who hadn't gotten laid in years even though he really could pretty much just order a woman to suck him like a Hoover. So as he stood staring at the unconscious, partly nude and totally hot Rose he sported a huge, sudden, and utterly overwhelming hard on.

The prince, while barely pulling his eyes away from Rose, stripped himself and pulled off her dress. He then pulled her slightly so that her head hung over the edge of the bed slightly, opened her mouth gently, and slowly slid his thick, engorged cock into her mouth. Rose dutifully remained fully asleep, and so the prince thought he had never met a better woman.

He slowly, slowly, slowly slid his cock all the way into her relaxed and open throat, gently yet deeply face fucking her; he slid his cock into her mouth so deeply that his balls were squished against Rose's forehead as he did so. As he did, the prince groped her tits, squeezing them boorishly and pulling on the nipples hard, pleased to have his way with a woman for once that didn't punch him in the balls for being such a stupid brute. Looking at her pussy now hungrily, the prince use his position to lean forward and begin licking it, taking advantage to really suck hard on the clit even as he maneuvered his fingers inside her wet cunt. All the while he continued to pump his cock deep into her throat.

The prince felt his orgasm start but didn't want the fun to end so soon -- not like he'd be able to cum again anytime soon, of course, as he was pretty much a one-hump chump -- so he pulled out of Rose's mouth and repositioned himself now on top of her. Nudging her legs aside, the prince now shoved his cock into her wet, soft cunt slowly. It had been so long since he had felt this particular joy that the prince feared he might pass out, but he regained his composure once he hit bottom and then began to increase the pace. The prince slowly started to fuck Rose now with more and more of a forceful thrust, slamming his cock into her with greater speed, until he was finally fucking her as fast as his well-built body could manage.

At long last the prince could stand this delightful pressure no more and came deep inside Rose's pussy. Some men scream when they come, some groan, some grunt. The prince made a truly awful sound, something of a combination of a squeak, a squeal, and a cat getting caught in a meat grinder.

After some time of this horrendous cacophony the prince stopped cumming and was able to catch his breath. When he did, he stooped down and gave Rose a kiss. As soon as he did, Rose opened her eyes and awoke and looked at him quite sweetly.

"Oh," she said suddenly, looking as if she expected someone else. "You're not Orlando."

"No, I'm Hubert."

"Hubert? And you just fucked me, Hubert?"

"Yes, Rose, I came to break the spell you've been under and claim you as my princess. And while I was here, you were naked, and...well, you know..."

"Uh huh. Soooo, now we are..."

"We are to be married!"

"Oh, yippee skippy!" Rose said in completely undisguised disgust.

So they went down together hand in hand, Prince Hubert beaming with joy and pride, Rose looking like she wanted to pull her own brain out through her nose. As they did the entire household returned to the way it had been a century before: the king and queen awoke, and then the whole court, and looked at each other in great astonishment. The horses in the courtyard stood up and shook themselves, the hounds jumped up and wagged their tails, the pigeons upon the roof pulled out their heads from under their wings, looked round, and flew into the open country, the flies on the wall crept again, the fire in the kitchen burned up and flickered and cooked the meat.

Then the marriage of Price Hubert with Rose was celebrated with all splendors. The prince lived happily ever after, while Rose only wished to be unconscious again every time they fucked!

Snow White

Once upon a time in a great castle, a king's daughter grew up happy and contented, in spite of a jealous and cruel stepmother. The young woman was very pretty, with blue eyes and long black hair, and small but firm breasts and nipples that were preternaturally hard. Her skin was delicate and fair, smooth and immensely kissable, and the color of fresh fallen snow. Therefore, she was called Snow White; her parents had toyed with the idea of calling her Not Actually A Corpse because of her freakishly white skin, but went with Snow White instead.

Though her stepmother the queen was a wicked woman, she too was totally hot. She had a magic mirror used for the art of scrying, in which she is able to learn all things about the past, present, and future. She would ask her mirror about her talents daily, feeding her totally dependent personality and pathological need for affirmation...but hey, this is the Middle Ages, and its not like there were touchy-feely, warm-fuzzy therapists around to make her feel good about herself!

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the best fuck of them all?" she would ask.

The reply had always been, "You are, you hot little piece of ass!" But then once day the mirror said, "Snow White is the best fuck in the land."

The stepmother was furious, and shrieked at the mirror, "How the fuck did that happen?!"

The surface of the mirror swirled then coalesced into a whirl pool with bright colors, finally clearing to reveal a scene in another part of the castle. The queen was able to make out the council room, and then saw that Snow was splayed out on the gigantic mahogany conference table while the Chief Chamberlain licked and sucked her pussy as a man dying of hunger would eat a hot meal. As he did that, the Finance Minister squatted over her face and fed her his cock, the Defense Minister titty-fucked her, while all the time the Treasurer and the Prime Minister got their cocks stroked in her hand.

"Wow," the queen said breathlessly, and with begrudging admiration. "That little slut knows how to work a cock!"

She found herself totally entranced as she watched Snow take on these five cocks all at once, all the while seeming like she was perfectly in control and working each cock as she wanted rather than being taken by these men. As she watched, the queen felt her pussy first tingle then moisten, so much so that she couldn't help but soon slide her hand down to massage her clit.

The queen stood there mesmerized, watching Snow tell the most powerful men in the country to switch positions, to lick her like that and to suck here, herself changing positions so she could derive the most pleasure from these hard cocks. As she stood there, rubbing her clit and now fingering her cunt, the queen saw the men line up and Snow bend over the table, each one to take turns fucking and cumming in her ass. This particular sexy treat was the final straw for the queen, and she rubbed wildly as she came now with a shudder and a shriek.

As her orgasmic tremors quieted down and the men in the mirror began shooting their loads into Snow, the queen was reminded of the halcyon days in which that would have been her taking on two or three of the king's council, and she became wild with jealousy.

"How dare she?" she asked the mirror. "How the fuck dare she?! That bitch has got to go!"

"I don't know, my queen," said the mirror. "All I know is that if I could get the fuck out of this mirror I'd hammer the two of you like nails!"

The queen called one of her trusty servants and ordered him to take Snow White out into the forest, slit her throat, then cut out her heart and bring it to her as proof of the foul deed. The servant was rather obviously revolted at the prospect of doing such an evil thing, so she bribed him with a rich reward for his obedience.

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byTheBigandBaldGuy© 2 comments/ 17723 views/ 6 favorites

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