Everyone Loves A Quitter

"I know this is going to sound crazy," she began her anecdote with a deviant grin across her pale pink lips. Her boyfriend and best friend stared at her curiously, expectant expressions urged her onward. Julia smirked. "When I quit smoking, I gained weight."

Her best friend snorted. The expression in her brown eyes was more mockery than amusement as she grinned, "How is that crazy, Jules? Most people that quit smoking gain some kind of weight."

Her boyfriend seemed to echo this statement as he stretched his tattooed arms into the air and yawned. "No comment."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Julia challenged, crossing her petite arms over her chest. As best as she could muster, she strained to look annoyed. Truth was, she understand entirely why Benji was choosing not to get involved; but he didn't have to know that. She liked watching him sweat. "What exactly is that supposed to mean, Benjamin?"

"That means that if I say anything, you'll think I'm agreeing that you gained weight," he nodded and took a sip from his favorite Baltimore Orioles plastic cup. She had attempted to toss that stupid cup away on many of their frequent moves; but without failure, he always managed to rescue the cheap piece of battered kitchenware from every recycling bin. "And I am not going to go there," he grinned.

Jenna seemed to concur with this. "Yes, men should keep their mouths shut more often." She seemed to consider her own words before adding, "You are a smart man for staying quiet, Benjamin."

Benji saluted his friend. Jenna laughed. Julia rolled her brown eyes at the duo. "Anyhow, what I was going to say was that I have gained weight."

"You already said that," Jenna pointed out, laughing.

Julia ignored her friend as she entered the kitchen and took over, pouring herself a large glass of Diet Coke and taking a seat at the mini-bar on a stool. "I gained weight in my boobs!" she proclaimed excitedly just as Jenna took a sip of her soda.

Needless to say, Jenna nearly spit. "What? How?"

"I don't know how," Julia gestured with her hands, somehow managing to nearly topple Benji's stupid Orioles cup. She righted the cup and sighed happily. "All I know is that I gained some weight, my jeans don't fit and neither do my bras."

Jenna stared at her friend incredulously. "I need to quit smoking!"

"You don't smoke!" Benji laughed from the bathroom where he was, well, Lord only knew and the door was wide open.

Julia thanked God for the small mercy that the bathroom was out of her line of sight. "And you don't need bigger boobs!"

Jenna shrugged and made an amusing show of staring down her tank top into her decidedly ample cleavage. "But I like big twins."

Benji re-entered the kitchen and fidgeted with his cell phone. He grinned down at the two girls as he walked past the bar. "Did I hear something about big twins?"

"Stop that thought right there!" Julia warned and he raised his hands and exited the room immediately. She took another sip from her least favorite cup and sighed. "I'm being serious here, Jen. I went up an entire cup size!"

"If we can bottle this, we can be millionaires!" Jenna giggled, patting her best friend on the hand. "Jules, this is fantabulous! We can be billionaires, even."

Julia laughed at her friend's false vocabulary. "I know. We could live the lifestyles of the rich and famous!" She laughed loudly at her own pun, as did the other woman. The pair shared a knowing glance before Julia yawned. "Yes, so we have to go to the mall. I need new clothing."

Her boyfriend immediately entered the room with a look of concern across his face. "I was not listening in just now so I didn't hear you mention the mall and clothing," he began with a guilty chuckle. "And that's why I am not here to warn you about going to the mall."

"But I love the mall!" Julia whined.

Benji nodded. "I know. You love the mall a little too much."

Jenna shook her head. "I don't love the mall but the mall loves me."

The two women erupted into laughter at this, but somehow Benji managed to keep a straight face. "Funny. Ha ha."

"So should we go now or wait until tomorrow?" Julia questioned Jenna, ignoring Benji's warning glances. "I don't know if I can wait until tomorrow. I feel my paycheck burning a hole into the too tight pockets of my jeans."

"I like your jeans too tight," Benji offered quietly as he rummaged through the refrigerator.

Julia grinned. "And I like your bubble butt sticking out of the refrigerator."

"Speaking of butts sticking out of refrigerators," Jenna coughed as she glanced upward from her purse. She had extracted her checkbook and was flipping the pages, searching for her current balance. "I received a lecture from the King of Carbohydrates today."

Julia raised her right eyebrow and laughed. "Oh?"

"Yes, I was informed that I don't do enough grocery shopping." Jenna made a face that caused Julia to laugh even harder. Benji turned and stared at the two women, shook his head, and disappeared again. Jenna continued with an exasperated sigh. "Yes, I was informed that all I do is shop for clothing and shoes and things that we quote unquote do not need," she paused and took a deep breath and stared at her check book. "And then I was told that I don't need any more shoes, but that we do need food in the house."

"So basically, Paul is mad that you didn't buy more French fries and beer?" Julia laughed.

Jenna nodded. "Exactly. What a stupid bastard he can be!"

"It's love," Julia snorted as she began to pace the kitchen and organize various silverware, dishes, cups and bowls into the cabinets where they belonged. She sighed from behind a cabinet door. "So are you allowed to go shopping?"

"I cannot believe you just asked me that," the second woman gasped, placing her purse back onto a stool and staring across the room. "Jules, did you just ask me if Paul allows me to do something?"

"I think I did," Julia laughed, realizing her poor choice of wording. She shut the cabinet and returned to the sink where Benji had unceremoniously dumped his cereal bowl this morning. She frowned. "Let me rephrase the question: can we go to the mall?"

"My check book says yes," Jenna confirmed with a bob of her jet black hair. She grinned. "And I want a new purse."

Julia laughed as she ignored the discarded dish and returned to sit at the bar across from the other woman. "And I want a new bra."

"I want a new bra too," Benji cooed mockingly as he reappeared in the kitchen and began opening various cabinet doors. "Where can we get something nice and lacey? Preferably black and PVC."

"PVC?" Julia raised an eyebrow.

Benji shut the cabinet and stood before the two girls with an oversized chocolate chip cookie hanging out of his pierced mouth. He grinned. "It's a fetish of mine."

"I know that," Julia snorted. "But since when have I owned- or ever worn- anything PVC?"

"I have a PVC skirt," Jenna grinned. "And a pair of boots. Oh, and a really cute pair of gloves. Oh, and I think I still have that corset that I got for my birthday from-" She paused when she realized that the couple were staring at her. "What?" she blushed.

Julia shook her head. "You have an entire PVC wardrobe?"

Jenna shrugged.

"And where do you wear these clothes?" Julia mused. "Don't they itch? Don't you overheat? Wait, why am I even asking you this. Why the hell do you own PVC clothing?"

Jenna blushed. "It's a fetish of mine, too."

"I should have dated you," Benji smirked as he ducked out of the room to avoid Julia's glare.

"And I should have dated Joel," Julia yelled after him. Jenna erupted into laughter at this but there was only silence from Benji. "And we should go now then," she stated to Jenna. "I want to get there before all of the stupid teenagers do. They swarm everywhere and you can't get into any of the stores without being tripped, cut off, glared at, stared at-"

Jenna stared at her friend with amusement in her eyes. "They don't bother me."

"Really?"

"I make friends with them," the raven-haired woman shrugged again.

"You make friends with teenagers at the mall?" Julia snorted as she began pulling her brunette locks up into a ponytail. She fidgeted quickly with her yellow tube top, then began searching the floor for her discarded flip flops. "You go to the mall to make friends with kids?"

Jenna placed her black leather purse over her shoulder and giggled. "No, I don't go there to make friends, I just do. And I'm skipping the mall for today," she sighed. She gave her best friend a hug and began to follow Julia to the garage. "I'd better do some grocery shopping or Paul might gnaw his arm off. Or worse yet, my arm."

Julia snorted as she opened the garage door and followed Jenna to her car. "I think Paul will survive without having second breakfast. And third lunch. And fourth dinner."

"You sound like Dee," Jenna laughed as she climbed into the driver's seat of her black Corvette. It had been a ‘birthday gift' from Paul last year. Julia had snuffed at the whole thing then, and she still snuffed at it now. Since when were Corvettes birthday gifts? Jenna had stated that it wasn't actually a birthday gift, but instead bribery. Paul wanted them to start a family and Jenna was holding out for marriage. The Corvette was the man's way of trying to get his way. Go figure. "Anyhow," Jenna grinned as she placed her self-proclaimed "rockstar sunglasses" over her eyes. "Good luck with the shopping. I'm sure that Benji will be a good little companion."

"I don't want to bring Benji," Julia confessed, staring back toward her house. Benji was already messing around in the garage with something. That was male code for ‘I want to go to the mall with you'. She sighed. "But I guess he's better than nothing, huh?"

Jenna rolled her eyes and blew her best friend a kiss. "Like I said, good luck. I vote you use this to get something good out of him."

"Like a Corvette?" Julia chided.

Jenna grinned. "Or a whole new shoe wardrobe."

"No," Benji demanded, stepping behind Julia and wrapping his arms around her in the driveway. "No more shoes."

"What if I told you I gained weight in my feet?" Julia wiggled her nose and smirked.

Jenna waved at the pair and began backing her convertible out of their driveway. "Goodbye, kids," she called. "Love you both, you crazy fuckers."

"NO MORE SHOES!" Benji called after her.

Julia sighed and handed her car keys to her boyfriend. "You drive. And obey the speed limit for once, okay?"

Benji shrugged his tattooed shoulders as he climbed into the driver's seat of Julia's silver Lexus. "I always obey the speed limit."

"And I'm Mother Theresa," Julia retorted.

"Nice to meet you," Benji laughed as he eased the car from the garage, waited to make sure the door shut automatically, and began to ease down the long driveway. "You've done a world of good for the world, Mother."

Julia rolled her eyes as she lowered her window. "Benjamin, I'm serious!"

"I will obey the speed limit, my lady," he stated flatly as he navigated the narrow streets of their neighborhood. "And what do I get for doing so?"

"The joy of knowing that you won't get a speeding ticket?" Julia laughed as she began to fidget with the radio.

Benji frowned and turned onto the highway. "Somehow, that just doesn't seem like a present to me."

"What kind of present do you want?" Julia inquired, trying to sound sexy but instead laughing.

"Did you really grow bigger boobs?" Benji inquired as he focused his attention on the road and several drivers that were making him particularly anxious.

Julia grinned. "Yes, I really did. When I quit smoking, I gained a few pounds. And for whatever reason, it all went to my chest."

Benji's eyes beamed with delight. "I love you for quitting smoking. Are you a double-d now?"

Julia rolled her eyes. "Not hardly, Benjamin."

"What's Jenna?"

"A double-d."

"You should be a double-b, too."

Julia snorted. "Women don't get to choose their bra size."

"Sure they do," Benji argued as he began watching for their exit. The mall, unfortunately, was not more than 10 minutes from their house. This had not been a good fact for their relationship, as Julia seemed to love the mall more than she loved him. In his opinion, anyway.

"Don't even get me started on plastic surgery," she winced.

Benji laughed as he pulled the car into the best parking spot he could find. "Jules, I've already heard this rant. You know that, right?"

"I just want to know why women feel the need to scar their bodies and undergo unnecessary surgical procedures just because men are deluded into believing that the bigger the chest, the better the rest."

"That rhymed," he observed.

Julia ignored him and continued. "Don't you see that there is a crazy and totally skewed view of beauty in our country? Every women thinks she's overweight and her chest is not big enough."

"Does Jenna think her chest is too small?" Benji questioned as he climbed out of the car. "Because that would be really skewed."

Julia crossed her arms over her chest. "The only other woman alive with something on Jen is Dolly Parton."

"Pam Anderson?" Benji laughed.

"And maybe her," Julia smiled as she collected her purse and shut the door. "But as I was saying, our country has a totally ridiculous view of beauty. And it's just not healthy." Benji listened to his girlfriend rant as he held the doors open for her and followed her into the mall. "There's going to be intense ramifications to the society for this," Julia was rambling. "We are going to starve our children to make them reach a goal weight that is unhealthy. We will scar them for life."

"Psychologists will be set for life," Benji observed as he followed Julia into Victoria's Secret. "They'll have more patients than they need."

Julia walked toward a display that boasted brand new lingerie that the store was promoting for the summer months. "Light weight" signs boasted. "Contouring fabric." "Sexy." "Glamorous." She paused and stared at the garments on display, immediately procuring a yellow bra and an orange one, as well. Benji watched with amusement. Previously, Julia had believed only in shopping at department stores for her lingerie; and never in spending more than $10 per item. He had practically had to force her to accept a Christmas gift one year of a bra and panties that had cost him, well, a lot. Too much for such little fabric.

Julia looked like a kid in a candy store. "I should have quit smoking a long time ago," she mused out loud.

Benji grinned. "Here here." He reached forward and pulled a petite piece of cotton from a rack and held the garment up for Julia to see. "This is cute, Jules. What is it?" He eyed the cotton and seemed to be willing himself to understand the mystery of the piece.

"It's a garter belt, Benj," Julia grinned. "I don't wear garter belts."

Benji nodded and put the yellow cotton back. "It's interesting."

"I want new bras," Julia stated, glancing about the store. "And maybe a matching pair of panties."

"You told me that matching underwear was overrated," Benji observed.

Julia nodded. "Oh, it definitely is. I'm not going to pay $100 to have my bra match my panties. That's insane. You only take them off right away, anyway. Do you really care if they match?"

"Not as long as they come off," he winked deviously.

Julia nodded. "Exactly."

"So what are we looking for?" Benji questioned as he began to wander about the store aimlessly. "I mean, do you need my help or…"

Julia shrugged. "I like these three things that I'm holding. Maybe I should try them on?"

"You can try on underwear?" Benji raised an eyebrow and immediately scratched his head. "Damn. Being a woman is complicated."

"How do you know it's going to fit if you don't try it?" Julia questioned as she began heading for the changing rooms.

Benji shrugs. "I don't know, Jules. I don't have these problems."

"That's because you steal all of Joel's underwear," Julia observed as she approached the changing rooms. "And I don't even want to consider that thought any further while I am getting naked in there." She pointed down a pink corridor. "I'll be back. I have to go try these on and try and forget that my boyfriend is wearing another man's underwear."

Benji laughed as he watched his girlfriend disappear. Standing here looking hardcore as he leaned against the pink wall seemed ridiculous. Even worse, what if the store attendants thought he was a pervert? Or a peeping Tom? That would not be good. He considered the thought, then immediately snuck after Julia.

"Jules?" he called as he entered the small room full of vestibules. "Which one are you in?"

"Holy shit!" he heard Julia squeak from the third stall down on the right. "Benji, you can't be in here."

"Well, I was thinking about it," he stated as he opened the door to her stall and stepped inside with her. "And they're going to think I'm a pervert or a sex offender if I stand out there waiting for you."

"And what exactly are they going to think when they find you inside the women's dressing room?" Julia questioned, amused.

Benji sat down on the small sofa inside the stall and crossed his colorful arms across his chest. "A very dedicated boyfriend who wanted to check out the goods before he paid for them."

"That statement can be taken so very many ways," Julia observed as she continued fastening her bra in back.

"Are you suggesting that you're used goods, Jules?" Benji raised an eyebrow and winked.

"Benjamin!" Julia warned him. "You need to at least be quiet. If anyone hears you in here, we are going to be in deep shit."

Benji smirked as he continued to watch Julia undress. "This feels like a very Joel thing to do."

"Joel likes to sneak into ladies changing rooms?"

"I wouldn't put it past him," Benji mused with a giggle. "Joel's such a ladies man, he's a lady, man."

Julia rolled her eyes and turned to face her boyfriend. "This is bra number one. I don't like it. What do you think?"

Benji observed his girlfriend standing before him. The bra she was wearing was a perfectly fitted piece of silky material. It cupped Julia's breasts beautifully; even gave her a slightly larger cleavage. That was good. In fact, he couldn't see anything bad about the garment. "I like it," he stated and his voice was rough.

"It has this stupid bow between the boobs," Julia pointed toward her cleavage. "I don't like it."

Benji shrugged. "Then try the next one, baby. I'm not good with opinions on these things."

"Why not?" Julia questioned as she removed the bra and began strapping on the next one. "I value your opinions, Benjamin."

"It's a bra, Julia," he observed. "I'm a man. You're a woman. Let's be honest: anything that involves breasts is a good thing. End of story."

Julia turned to face him yet again and laughed. "I don't like this one either."

Again, Benji evaluated his girlfriend. She was now wearing an orange lace piece that was entirely and perfectly see-through. Her small pink nipples seemed to blend right into the vibrant fabric. He felt himself responding to this sight, and felt his throat go suddenly parched and dry.

"I guess that means you like it," Julia laughed as she stared down at her boyfriend.

"Why don't you like it?" he tried to keep a clear mind, but the visual of Julia's nipples exposed was wrecking complete havoc with his brain.

"You like it," Julia observed again.

"Why do you say that?" he tried to be couth.

Julia snorted. "Benjamin, you are pitching a tent in your jeans."

Benji stared down at himself and winced. Yes, he was. She was right. That was probably not the best way to exit the women's dressing room: with a hard-on.

Julia laughed and set the orange bra aside. "So that one is a keeper. Next."

The next bra had a matching pair of panties. The set was a vivid green hue in a fabric that he had no clue what to call. It looked shiny but it wasn't PVC, he knew that. It looked wet, but he knew it was dry. And it looked perfect on Julia's little body. The cups were padded and gave her the look of a porn star, in his eyes.