Everything for the Career Ch. 04

I think Bernie realized that at the same moment too. He wrapped his arms around me and comforted me as best as I could while I sobbed. Two most important men in my life... and I was going to lose one.

Not what I had expected when I had decided to devote everything for the career!

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Edwards was staring out of his window, looking at the skyline. He did that whenever he needed to take a big decision. He sat unmoving for some length of time, his chest rising and falling calmly, as he, what I thought, ruminated on what I discussed with him half an hour ago.

It would not be easy for him to explain to his Board, why I, who was selected as VP of International Affairs, over so many other deserving candidates, was wanting to resign, mere two weeks after being appointed so. He would have to face a barrage of questions and the media would not be kind to him. He would probably be made the butt of jokes -- old guy couldn't select properly or, old guy was blinded by his cock to promote some dame, or his time has come he should step back and all such.

I could see him calculating the impact on his business also. How was he going to find a replacement so soon? Most of the other candidates whom I had pipped for this position, had resigned and left the organization, as most senior level promotions are wont to do. Not only that, they now had similar jobs in competing companies. To find a worthy VP at this stage, and so soon, would be quite impossible for Sterling. It would leave him in a mess. And I had clearly told him I could not wait till he found a replacement. My marriage to Arthur was now the first and only thing in my life. And I wanted it back. Though the marriage was now arid and barren, I learnt one thing, that is to never give up. I would either end up resurrecting my marriage or giving up my life. Without Arthur, there would be no other way in the middle.

At the same time, a part of me told me that what I did was unfair and I had gone and let the personal issues in my life be the cause of Sterling's disgrace. Oh sure, there were members in the Board who wanted to pull Sterling down and put him out completely. But they were held back by Sterling's impeccable record. And now this man, the man whom I respected unconditionally and was almost like a father to me, would be going down because of me. Because of my mistakes. I wanted to pull back. To make everything alright again. But I knew that this was my baptism by fire. I could get either my career, or my marriage, but not both. My career was important to me. I had spent every waking hour building it. But now, perhaps too late, I realized that my marriage was more important to me. Two weeks without Arthur showed me that. I could live with a failed career. A failed marriage would be unbearable. I would surely die. And I cursed myself again that my inaction was what resulted in the damaging of two relationships that I cherished the most in my life. God! If only I were given a chance to re-start everything. Instead of being a successful woman who gave equal priority to family and work, I focused excessively on one. Paradoxically, now I was close to losing both.

When Arthur left my house, my mother was crying. After calming down, she looked at me in the eye and said simply, "This is your time to choose Jennifer. You can have FCB. You *may* get Arthur back. Decide what is important and go after it -- forget failure or success. And for once in your life, listen to how you feel, not what you think. And if possible, stop thinking so much, your indecisiveness is costing everyone a lot. Make a decision in your life. Or life will make one FOR you." Then she simply got up and walked away, leaving me stunned for answers.

And that got me thinking. I loved Arthur. I had just been such a bloody insensitive bitch. I loved him but I was never able to find time to show him. And to be fair, if I were Arthur, I'd have divorced me a long time ago. I thought about it. FCB was mine. Arthur COULD be mine. But I decided for once in my life to stop thinking what my brain and logic told me, instead I opted to listen to my heart. Life without FCB would be manageable. Life without Arthur, unbearable. He was not a part of my life, he WAS my life. Strange that I realized it at a stage when I was about to lose it. That simply decided that I wanted nothing more in my life, but my Arthur. So I began on the road to win him back.

The first step was to show Arthur that I was serious about him. A sacrifice from my end would be the only way to show him that. And what better way to show my long lasting love for him than to sacrifice what I had worked for all these years? It may work. It may not. But I didn't care.

So, I decided to resign.

Arthur may or may not take me back. The move may or may not be the most intelligent. But I knew I could not continue in FCB. That much was certain. If I did, Arthur would never take me back.

So, with shaking fingers and tear-stained eyes, I typed out my resignation, printed it, signed on it and went to FCB. Seeing my state of being, Edward's secretary allowed me inside immediately. I sat in front of Edwards, looking at the office and building that was my home for more than 15 years, looking at a man who had, at times, been more than my father, and with tear filled eyes, submitted the envelope consisting of my resignation, to him. And knowing how it would possible cause him to be an embarrassment in front of the Board only served to intensify the tears whilst he sat staring outside at the skyline.

Finally, he stopped staring outside and a smile cracked his lips. Even before he turned around, I knew what he would say: "OK Jenny. I'll accept your resignation. Don't worry about me, I'll take care of things here. Just make sure you and Arthur get back together. You're like a daughter to me and I can't stand to know you are going to get divorced. If anything, make this old man happy by being happy. OK?"

All this pain, and he was STILL concerned about me? God, I had two most magnificent men in my life. And I really did not deserve either of them. How could Sterling still treat me like a daughter after what I was going to put him through?

I burst into tears.

He came to where I was sitting and put a protective arm over me.

"Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!..." was all I continued to say as I put my head on his shoulders and cried and cried and cried.

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The next step in making amends to Arthur was to get involved with his life. I knew what he did. But I did not have the time to find out who, or where or how many times. Ask me to name three friends of Arthur's and I would probably go blank in the mind. Not exactly the most idealistic of a wife's characteristics. But I intended to put that behind me now. No more. I was going to reconnect with my Arthur. And his life. And what was important to HIM!

And what better way than to become a part of the world he was in. Easier said than done though. First of all, straight off the bat, I did not know whom to call. Or talk to. Or even get social with. So I decided the next best thing possible. I opened up my mailbox.

The first thing I did was to write an email to Arthur on his personal ID. It did not matter if he had put my name in the spam blacklist or whether he would simply delete it. I needed catharsis and this was it. I composed the email -- a short and simple one -- and sent it to Arthur, before I could change my mind.

Then I began scanning my inbox.

The e-mails were old. Some of them around 2-3 years. But I managed to get a few invitations (marked in the TO: or the CC:) where some friend of Arthur's had invited both of us over for dinner, or an outing, or a picnic or sometime, simply for a few games down the bowling alley. It hurt to realize that NONE, and I mean ABSOLUTELY NONE of those emails were responded to, by me. And every time I thought I could not feel any worse, I surprised myself. While there was absolutely no reason to, I found my eyes getting wet again. Just how could Arthur have tolerated me? I had behaved... GOD!!

I got up from the computer, unable to go further. I stood up from the chair, and went to the window. At night, at this time, there was only the cold air and the white moon shining in the sky. There was no other movement. The moon looked beautiful. But so lonely! Traversing the heavens all alone. And an inevitable chill went in my spine. I could lose Arthur. MY GOD! I could lose Arthur over a job!! What the hell did I achieve? A cabin and a company driven car? A secretary? A six figure salary, not really needed? A house, my husband's? Stiletto heels and an air of look-how-successful-I-am-compared-to-you? Looks of admiration and awe when I told people I was VP of FCB which they promptly forgot as soon as I turned my backs on them? That's all? That's BLOODY ALL???

And what the hell did I GIVE UP FOR IT?? My husband? Our happiness? No children? Just a sterile attempt at some semblance of a family? A house that mimicked a hospital's clinical cleanliness and interiors, devoid of all life, a coat of unhappiness while I tried to maintain a veneer of being successful? A misguided obsession with growth to get even higher and letting my husband out of my heart? O-H G-O-D!!

Dear God in Heaven! And despite my attempts at controlling, I could see the moon getting distorted with my tears. And even though I could barely hear myself, I just mewled out one word, "Arthur, oh God, my ARTHUR!"

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You have no ideas what it is like to wait this long.

I got up the next day and despite the fact that I knew it was just 8:00 AM, I checked to mailbox. No response.

Yesterday night, I had written back to ALL of the people who had emailed me. Whether they mailed Arthur and kept me in the CC or otherwise. I introduced myself, apologized for my lack of manners and wondered if they would meet me for a coffee or tea either in my house, their house or anywhere else they wanted. I purposely kept out a tone of desperation and tried to keep the tone as neutral as possible. Just another wife asking her husband's friends for a meeting. But there was no response.

Every day, I checked my emails Every single day. Around every hour or so. Nothing.

Either the people had new addresses. Or they did not want to socialize with a wife who responds to their invitations and emails after 2-3 years. Or, the fact that they knew about me and Arthur at this point. But there were no emails. And this idea of mine, began to look very stupid. Just what was I thinking? Did I really think that people would suddenly warm up to me as soon as I sent them an email? They were not my employees. They had no reason to keep me happy. Did I really think I was important enough to them?

It was now four days. And not a single response. And I was losing hope. I was sitting on the sofa, cake untouched, tea getting cold. How was I going to make up to Arthur? I was getting discouraged.

I was about to give up but the "TING" of a new email alerted me. I bolted off the sofa and rushed to the computer. At last! A new email. I tried to keep my hopes at a normal level but since last four days, ANY email I received made me hope, only to be dashed every time. It was never from one of the addresses I had written to. Still, hope floats eternal and I found myself unable to control my mind whenever a new email arrived. Perhaps, perhaps one of those people had decided to pardon my stupidity and arrogance and email me. So it was with this one too. I rushed off to the computer, hitting my shin at the table in the process, but I ignored the pain rising there. I had to check. It HAD to be an email from one of the addresses I had written to.

But my hopes were dashed! AGAIN! I had rushed too soon. That email was not from someone I knew or someone whom I had written to sitting up most of the last night. Instead it was just a seminar invitation. Oh God! JUST A BLOODY SEMINAR INVITATION!

I became despondent. THIS is what I get for ignoring my man and family. THIS is what happens when you think you can go ahead and trample on your spouse's emotions and needs just to get your own obsession materialized. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS!

My despondency was threatening to overwhelm me, when it hit me. HARD!

This was the ANNUAL SEMINAR that Arthur always went to!

Always!!

Just that thought, that scrap of information, lifted my spirits. I would get to meet Arthur. MY Arthur. And no matter what he did, I was going to SHOW him how I had changed, not just tell him. I would not fritter away the opportunity this time.

A hundred, thousand thoughts were running in my mind. What should I say? How should I say it? What should I wear? Should I wear a cotton bra? What if I get my periods then? Do you think green contacts look better on me? Should I get out of the car from my right as a lucky move? Should I order pizza with extra crusts?

My GOD! I WAS OUT OF CONTROL!!

I forced myself to breathe deeply and calm down. After weeks of what seemed like a solid concentrated dose of despair, for the first time I could see the light of the tunnel. Arthur would be there. My Arthur would be there!

And just as quickly, the hope vanished.

Yes, Arthur would be there. But he was also there in the house. And only you two were conversing. YET, nothing happened. YET, he still walked out. YET, you were unable to do anything to prevent it.

And the hope flooded again.

YES, but back then, I was just telling Arthur, not showing it.

And consciously, I decided to stick with the latter feeling as I rushed to make preparations for the seminar. Of course, registering and paying for it online then and there with my credit card was the very rudimentary step, already accomplished in the next fifteen minutes. And next I decided to get ready for the seminar.

I calmed down when I realized the seminar was still a good week away from today's date, though.

ARTHUR'S SIDE

I've been called many things. A decent human being. A good husband. An ethical entrepreneur. A respectable businessman. An adventurous man. A fearless leader. A great employer.

But, I have never been called an insecure bastard. And a wife-hater. Never!

So, it was with a mixed sense of shock and anger, that I read Bernie's email. Straight off the bat, one thing was correct. He was writing on behalf of Jennifer because I would not even listen to her, hear her out, pick her calls, talk to her, read her emails or reply back. So he had no choice but to email me myself.

At the conclusion of his email, he mentioned that he would give me a call, if I replied to this email, that is. Otherwise, he would respect my privacy by not calling me up or writing any emails in the future. This would be AFTER my non-response would cement his opinion that I was either an insecure bastard or a wife-hater. Probably both.

To defend myself, I composed a vitriolic response to his email. I practically damned him and compared him to the Devil himself. This let off steam in my head. But as a practical business trick learnt long ago by a similar action, I did not press the SEND button. Instead, the email went in my DRAFT box and would stay there till I could get a handle on what was happening around.

You have no idea. The composition of an acidic email gets the anger out of you, works as a catharsis, and the fact that you DID NOT send that email, makes you see the message in a different light, 2-3 hours after you have cooled down -- and wished you just had NOT sent that email, if you had decided to follow your initial instincts. So that email lay in my drafts and I had gotten the poison off my system and into the email. Time to calm down.

As I got up from my chair, I noticed something. I was not feeling good. My head was downcast, my shoulders slumped and I dragged the chair to place, not lifted and kept it aside. The last 2-3 weeks had me living my life like a dead man. Sure, I got to fuck those prostitutes in the hotel. But in the harsh light of the morning the next day, that did not seem like a good idea. Not a good idea at all.

Apart from that, there was a sense of listlessness in everything I did. I felt as if something, some part, was missing. Of course, the first thing I thought was that it was Jennifer I was missing. But as I lingered on that thought, I found out that THAT was not it. There was something else. My 'sacrifice' for Jennifer, my 'I'll-be-the-stoic-husband' behavior for the last 15 odd years, my 'No-point-saying-it-until-she-realizes-it-herself' attitude... everything seemed to point that I was living my life wrong. Sure, Jennifer fucked me up good with her obsession for her career. But I could...no, SHOULD have done something about it, instead of playing the self-sacrificing martyr all along.

All this was confusing. On top of that, reading emails like THAT from Bernie... by God! I was supposed to be the good guy, remember? But that was not happening. Even though I STILL thought myself as the victimized, self-sacrificing husband, I could begin to subconsciously realize that it was, somewhere, ME, who had to take responsibility for the predicament I was currently in. A swifter action, an earlier reaction, a real discussion with both parents in tow and perhaps a decided divorce. Those things would have been unpleasant, but would have given me the necessary closure. Either Jennifer would have fallen in line or I would be another statistic in the divorce numbers in America. But either way, I would be in control of my life.

Instead I 'waited' for Jennifer to realize what she was doing wrong. There were too many variables. Jennifer was wrong to do what she did to me. I was wrong for ALLOWING it happen. That much, was now certain. And that changed my own perspective a lot. After what I had borne through these years, I felt I should be the one whom people should have sympathy for. Instead, Bernie calls me a bastard and thinks *I* am the bad guy, and somewhere, DEEP DOWN, I was beginning to identify with him, at least to the point where he mentioned 'my incapability to act and take control of the situation early on in my life' somewhere in the middle of the email.

The problem was, while my subconscious mind, which is devoid of the concept of right or wrong and is concerned only with the concept of action and consequence, my thinking mind, the conscious mind was more concerned about how my actions would now be hurting Jennifer... about how NOW she would understand what it felt like not to have someone love you... especially when that person had loved you for your entire life now. And somewhere, from somewhere far off, I wondered at that thought. Just what was I thinking? Just what had I become?

Maybe it was the tiring ordeal of past weeks, maybe it was Bernie's email. Maybe I WAS missing Jennifer or maybe it was the fact that I acted so totally out of my character and paid money for sex. But for the first time in 3 weeks, I was not able to control it.

So I went down on my knees, sobbing, and my life flashed before me, intensifying my sobs to real crying.

I did not know what I did was correct or not, it seemed correct then. I did not know whether I should continue punishing Jennifer or take her back, risking the same life I had before -- after she would get over her initial phase of winning my love back. I did not know whether I wanted to rip myself apart for not handling this in the right way or love the way I handled things since last 15 years... I JUST KNEW I WANTED IT TO BE ALL OKAY!!

I wanted things to be okay. God! I wanted things to be okay. I wanted my wife, my house, my family, my home, my life. MY LIFE. My Jennifer! Oh GOD!!!

And the tears came. I was hiccupping, crying and tears were awash on my face. What the fuck had I done? What the fuck had Jennifer done? WHAT THE HELL HAD *WE* done??!!

Motherfucking FCB Bank!