Exploring My Bisexuality Ch. 04byHaley__F©
I've been catching up with my diary for ages now but there's so much to tell I feel like I'll be copying this stuff into the computer when I'm 60! I do have a holiday diary which I'm doing next. I'd like to thank those who have emailed me with their kind words. Feel like it's worth it when people contact me with words of encouragement. So many thanks. Even though it's been many months now (for me) since my very first time with Karen I am still copying diary notes up from ages ago. I'm also trying to condense a lot of stuff to keep everyone from falling asleep! It's been quite an emotional time for me writing this so I hope you can appreciate that it's not always easy for me to find the words.
It's been a few weeks since the party and the Closet Game. I was so upset when I overheard my sister, Janine, talking about when she had done with another girl in the dark closet, even more so when it dawned on me that the girl had been me. For days I couldn't look her in the face or barely speak to her in case she caught on and realised I was her mystery closet lover.
Karen wasn't much help, not that it's her fault really, I haven't been able to tell her the truth about the party. I lied and told her I was with boys and nothing much happened, just fumbled groping in the dark. I feel so bad and guilty for lying to her but I haven't been able to tell Karen the truth. I know I'll have to soon because it's making me ill, almost as bad as coming to terms with the fact that I had been intimate with my sister.
I can't get over it. Maybe I should see a psychiatrist or something. I have tried to tell myself that I didn't know it was Janine I was feeling up or masturbating in the closet, therefore I shouldn't feel so bad. It doesn't help. All I know is that a line was crossed and I am the only one who knows about it. Well, I assume I am the only one. Janine may well have figured it out by now, but if she has she hasn't said anything to me about it. What to do? Nothing yet. But do I tell her it was me? Do I risk it just to clear my conscience? Maybe Janine would hate me if I did or call me a liar. Who knows maybe Janine would secretly love it to be me! Jesus, this is a weird world!
I read some incest stories on Literotica about incest. Some of them are very fictitious and way over the top, others are quite good and deal with peoples emotions and not just the physicality of the situation. Okay I admit I did play with myself while I was reading them. Can't believe I admitted that! They are erotic and I'm only human and got aroused. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy being with my sister in that way, because I didn't know who it was at the time. Now I realise that maybe I'm not up for incest, the game the whole family can play. I understand where people are coming from, the lustful feelings family members may harbour for the siblings/parents etc, but it doesn't feel very natural for me to think of my sister that way.
Anyway, I can't sit here writing about this forever, I'll go mad if I do. I've got college work that needs sorting out and exams soon. I'm never going to cope. Help.
I must seem like the most boring person in the world. I never seem to go out, or I never seem to write about it. So tonight I went out with my friends. A few bars, some drinks, it was good fun. Even though I am now thinking about it, I wasn't thinking about my sister or the "incident" at the time. I was happy, relaxed and enjoying myself for once.
Anne and Rachel were having a great time chatting boys up but I couldn't get into it for ages. Then as the alcohol took effect and my inhibitions dropped I found I was talking to a very nice boy, Spencer, while Anne and Rachel cavorted on the dance floor. He's same age as me, goes to a different college though. He's quite sweet, blue eyes, nice body from what I could see, lovely smile and not egotistical like a lot of the boys there. At the end of the night I found that I didn't want to leave it at that and was pleased that he asked me out for a drink in the week. I accepted and am now in a bit of a mess.
Do I go out with Spencer? Do I tell Karen first? Do I tell Spencer that I've been seeing someone else and me and him must remain friends? Do I tell him that I'm seeing a girl? Jesus! Got to think.
Had to get this down before I forgot it. I was in the bathroom taking a long bath, Dad and I had been working on the garden in the sun and I was feeling very grotty. Mum and Dad went out shopping and as I lazed half asleep in the bath, playing with the bubbles. I love the feelings of bubbles heaped on my skin, piling them on my nipples and feeling them slide off slowly like a mini bubble avalanche toward my stomach.
I could hear voices. I strained to hear but it was muffled, figured it was Janine on the phone. It wasn't until a few minutes later when I heard my name that I became more curious. I slowly rose out of the bath and stepped out, made my way to the sink, where I had listened to Janine talk to Karen about the closet game weeks ago. I had a sinking feelings in my stomach again and that whole conversation suddenly came back to haunt me.
I could faintly hear her side of the phone conversation so didn't get every word. This isn't going to be very accurate but I'll do the best I can.
"...just a kid so big deal...I didn't mind her being there if that's what you mean...Oh. No, Fran has gone travelling round Europe for the summer...exactly, we're not going to find out soon."
I think she was talking about the closet game, trying to work out who had been with whom. Pretty certain she was talking about me.
"...no way! I don't want to do it again! You're joking! I might have said that then but...yes it was amazing...but I...I said...will you let me speak! Okay. It was brilliant and horny too, whoever I did it with, but that doesn't mean I want to jump into bed with every girl I see. No. Sure I guess. If it was the right girl, right time and place...maybe...I don't know...I'm not going lesbo or anything you know... Don't you want to know who your mystery closet lover was? Of course I do but it's not number one on my to do list..."
I knew then she was talking about the closet game. So she did want to know who it was! I was getting worried now. Lucky for me Fran, Janine's challenger, was away so I had a few months breathing space before she came back and Janine could ask her. Problem was would Fran tell all or keep it a secret?
I couldn't' hear much more after that so I dried off and got dressed. I'm still anxious about Janine knowing it was me, but I'm pretty sure if she does find out that she can't and won't do anything about it other than be weird with me. I hope she isn't. Anyway, more studying to do.
My date with Spencer tomorrow. I haven't told Karen about it. We spoke on the phone last night, luckily Karen has 500minutes free calls every month so she uses them when her and my family have gone to bed so we can speak to each other. It's exciting when she calls, makes it feel more daring, more of a secret to keep between us. She has promised that we'll meet up soon, no idea how because we both need alibi's which is hard to organise.
Wonder what will happen with Spencer. Hope he's as nice as the other night. I'm quite nervous now, more than I realised. Deep breath.
Phew. It's done. Date over with. I can stop worrying. Everything went okay. I met Spencer at Henry's Bar, it was pretty quiet and we had several drinks and some good laughs. We seem to be on the same wave length humour wise and got on really well. He was polite and very much the gentleman, offering to pay for the drinks and holding the door open for me. I have to admit I really enjoyed his company. We caught a taxi and we held hands back to my house, when I got out he caught me unaware with a nice kiss, not too long or short, just right I have to say. I felt a slight thrill when he kissed me. He said he'd call me if I wanted to go out again, I agreed that would be very nice and he got back in the taxi and headed home.
Most of my evenings are spent studying or round my friends houses or sat in front of the TV so it was a welcome change to get out for once. I haven't decided to tell Karen about Spencer yet. I am feeling guilty about 2 things now, firstly about not telling Karen about Janine, and now Spencer. Feel like I am cheating on her in an absurd way. I can't bring myself to do anything about it. What do I do? Tell her and hope for the best? I truly hope she would be understanding but part of me worries so much that she would be very upset and that would be the end of it. I couldn't blame her though, I'd be upset if someone told me that too.
It's been 2 weeks since I last wrote anything interesting. I must look like a right boring nerd dork! I have been out with Spencer 3 more time now, we have good fun together, he's never pushy, always polite and happy. I wonder if he's the most optimistic guy on the planet, he's always smiling! We haven't done anything other than kiss yet, he's pretty good at it too. The last time we went out, on Thursday last week, we were kissing while waiting for our taxi home and couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to sleep with him. I was getting aroused by the time the taxi arrived.
I got into bed and was falling asleep when Karen called. She was feeling lonely and since we haven't seen each other in ages was missing me, I felt guilty for not feeling the same way. I do miss her very much, I miss her smile and comforting voice and I guess I have been preoccupied with Spencer lately. I told her I missed her, not a lie, I started thinking about our last time we were together, seemed like ages ago. The alleyway by Tesco, it was naughty and risky and so highly erotic.
Karen told me she plays with her fanny and thinks of me at night. That got me hot thinking of her lying there playing with herself. We both realised we were desperate to see each other again and had to make plans. I know my time with Karen was mind blowing, and amazing experience I wouldn't trade for anything, but was it just a phase? Have I done my experimenting bit now? Would I see Karen again because of lust, because of the risk involved being a turn on? Or is it because of something deeper?
I am very much into Spencer at the moment. Is that lust or the bus of love? God that sounds corny! How do you separate lust from love? Can you be in love and still lust for the same person? Jesus, life is weird.
We've just come back from the travel shop with Mum and Dad. We had a holiday booked ages ago but because of Dads job he had to change it, and now they've decided to allow Janine to bring Karen along. They asked if I had anyone I'd like to bring, but since Karen is already going and because of our secret I can't say anything about that. I would have liked to bring Spencer but Mum and Dad would have had a heart attack thinking I was going to be spending the whole holiday locked in my room with him. I just shook my head and said no thanks.
So they've rescheduled the holiday from July 2005 to March. That's a couple of weeks away. Our family will now go into holiday overdrive, buying clothes, getting sun lotion, all the holiday junk us Brits seem to take with us. How am I supposed to act around Karen on holiday? Jesus, this is going to be the best holiday ever or my worst nightmare! Got to go. Shopping starts here!
Day off Wednesday. Went shopping. The whole family. How nice. I feel so relieved after yesterdays events. This massive weight has been taken away from me. I need to get this in some sort of order. Okay, I'll start with yesterday when we went shopping which was boring as hell.
After an hour of slowly browsing shops we all came to an agreement, we go off and do our own thing then meet up for lunch. Janine and I split up heading in opposite directions. I aimed for Virgin Music for some CD's and wondered around. My mobile phone buzzed in my pocket, it was Karen sending me a text: WAT R U DOIN 2NITE? CAN U COME ROUND? K. XX
I sat on a bench by a fountain and thought quickly. I did want to see her really badly. I sent her a text back. WHERE? CAN SAY I AM STOPPING AT FRIENDS. H. X. I waited for her reply and thought quickly. I could Mum and Dad that I was stopping at Anne's house so we can work on our latest project for Computer Science. I doubted if they would check with Anne's parents if it was okay, they're pretty relaxed about that sort of thing.
I got a text back from Karen: PARENTS OUT TILL 2MORRORW. HAVE PLACE 2 OURSELVES. AM ALREADY NAKED. AM ALL YOURS!! K.
I didn't stop to think: BE THERE V SOON! XXX.
C U SOON.
I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. Karen and I had hardly seen each other for ages, and phone calls were okay but never the same. I found my Mum and explained that Anne had just called me and we needed to work on a big project before the end of the week and I'd best get going. Mum was really cool, she told me to get some clothes for the holiday before I left and she would call me later on.
She gave me some money and I picked up a few tops, a nice bikini, some new underwear and a few other bits. I dashed to the bus stop and kept a watchful eye out for anyone spotting me getting on the wrong bus. I was getting worked up again over nothing, I was only meeting Karen. It was so silly to get nervous. I know we've been together but it seems all so new again. I could count the number of times we'd done it on one hand, and the last time wasn't exactly a sensuous naked writhing in each others arms type of thing either, more of a lust filled moment in an alleyway.
So I think I was right to be a little anxious. Karen ushered me inside quickly and we hugged for a long time. We kissed and I felt relaxed. The smell of her perfume was comforting and feeling the swell of her chest against mine brought my senses alive. Her hands smoothed over my bottom and I sighed deeply when we parted. It was another very hot day so we decided to lounge in the garden for a while, odd that we didn't just rush to her bedroom. Karen asked if I needed a bikini but I explained I'd just bought one.
"Lets see then," she said as we stood in her kitchen.
I dropped the bag and pulled it out. A small black shiny bikini, not too small to annoy my parents and not too big to make me feel stupid.
"Very nice," Karen said. "Better to see the result if you were actually wearing it."
She noticed me glancing about for a room to change into and then frowned at me in a quizzical way. "You can change here you know, no one is around, except me. Me, remember?"
"Sorry," I said.
"I'll make some drinks and you get ready," Karen said and started rattling ice cubes into glasses.
"Aren't you sun bathing?" I asked as a I pushed off my jeans.
Karen lifted up a big baggy sweat top to reveal her skin covered by small strips of material some may say could be called bikini.
I pulled off my t-shirt, dropped it on the chair next to my jeans and had just undone my bra when the awkwardness hit me. Jesus. I must be a complete nervous wreck. I so hope no one else notices it as much as I do. I was rushing to get my bikini on before Karen finished making drinks so that...okay so she wouldn't see my body. There. I said it. That's what I was thinking. It's how I automatically reacted. I can't help it.
Anyway, I had just slipped my knickers down (once again that's panties for the American readers! Sorry I can't get used to saying panties!) when Karen placed 2 glasses on the table and sat on a stool in front of me. She wasn't staring as such but since I was the only person there she was watching me get undressed. I reckon she must have noticed my nerves.
"You look hot already and we're not even outside yet," said Karen.
"Must be the heat."
"Maybe," Karen bent down and caught my attention. "But the flush in your cheeks tells me you're either embarrassed or horny as fuck. I wonder."
I blushed even more.
"You're embarrassed!" Karen exclaimed. She laughed. At least she wasn't angry or anything. "I can not believe it."
"I am not!" I said quickly. I saw her smile as I slipped on my bikini bottoms. "Okay, so what? I'm not perfect! I don't know how to act sometimes. Is that a crime?!"
"Not at all," Karen said, she chuckled. "Haley, what's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong," I lied. I pulled at bikini top, working out which bit was the front and why the label was still hanging off. I was getting angry and upset. I felt like I was being made fun of, even though I wasn't, that she was laughing at my awkwardness. I wriggled into the bikini feeling hot and annoyed.
"Relax a little," Karen said. She went to put her hand on my shoulder and I shrugged it off. "Tell me what's bothering you?"
I wish I hadn't shrugged her away. I really wanted her to hug me, I was getting upset now and could sense the tears were just a moment away. "Nothing's bothering me. I'm fine. Really."
"You don't look it." Karen laughed in what was supposed to be to cheer me up. It did the opposite.
"Don't laugh at me!"
"Haley, I'm not laughing at you." She sounded serious now. "Please tell me what's wrong. I want to know."
"Do you?" I said, my voice was raised. I could feel anger forcing it's way up my throat and I couldn't stop it. It was like I was watching myself from a distance and was powerless to stop my actions. I didn't want to be angry but my emotions were bubbling over. I wasn't angry with Karen at all, my body needed to vent it's emotional worries and Karen was just there. "You really want to know?"
"Yes. Really. I care about you so much. Tell me."
"I'll tell you what's wrong!" I blinked as tears welled in my eyes. They rolled down my cheeks and I brushed them away. "I'll tell you everything shall I?"
"Calm down," Karen said. She looked upset too and did genuinely seem to want to know what was wrong. "Whatever's wrong we can talk about it."
I almost stopped myself. I came so close to backing down and shutting up but my brain had switched off at this point. "I hate myself!" I shouted. "I've done something bad and...and I can't tell anyone...I feel sick all the time and..."
Karen stepped forward but I moved away.
"No. I have to tell you." I sobbed. "Shit. It's Janine...she and I...we've...it's gone so wrong and I've had no one to talk to."
"She knows about us?" Karen wrongly guessed.
"No." I wiped more tears away from my face. "It's not that. It's worse. I'm a bad person Karen. It's about the party at Fran's the other week."
"What about it?" Karen asked, she didn't know or hadn't yet figured it out.
"The closet game," I said with a sob. "My last go...I was with a girl...and we...she was..."
"Hey," Karen said quietly. "It doesn't matter. Really. It was just a game. Just fun, remember?"
"Not just fun," I cried. "Well, yes it was, but after...when I realised...when I heard who I had done it with...the girl...Karen I'm so sorry...I feel sick..."
I fell onto a chair by the table unable to look Karen in the eye. I wanted her to guess, to figure it out so she could scream at me but she didn't. Either she knew by then or wanted me to say it.
"Haley. Tell me. It's okay to tell me anything. I'm not going to be angry or upset you know."
"My last challenge...my mystery closet lover...we did it to each other...we...she licked me and made me climax...I did it to her as well..."
"That's okay. Haley please, it was a game."
"NO! It wasn't. A game is fun. This was fun and now it isn't. This is a nightmare...I'm trapped by everything...and...and I hate myself."