Exploring My Bisexuality Ch. 08byHaley__F©
Note: Once again I'm still playing catch up from my dairy to the computer! I've tried to include as much as I can from my Holiday Diary but have slimmed it down a lot so not to bore anyone to tears!
For anyone who has read my other diaries you'll know I do leave out the really boring stuff, no one wants to know what I ate for breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday! I want to get loads in this one because time is going on and I am desperate to write about more recent things.
I know this is a long piece to submit to Literotica for which I am sorry, I honestly did leave a lot out! In some ways this was the most personal thing I have written so far, from an emotional point of view I feel I am sharing more than my physical life but my inner most feelings. If anyone one person can appreciate my reasons for putting this on the internet then I will be happy.
Friday May 13 It's been kinda boring the last few weeks. I've managed to get more mobile but this leg business is really getting on my nerves now. So many times I wish I had never broken my leg, and I know I can't change the past either. This isn't a movie but if it was I'd be heading right back to that exact time and make sure I didn't break it.
I've spoken to FunD1VA a few times now on MSN Messenger. I haven't managed to get a webcam yet and I'm amazed she is still willing to masturbate for me. It's so arousing to watch another girl, a stranger, fingering herself and reaching an orgasm. I'm actually getting wet just thinking about it, shit can you believe that! I must have sex on the brain at the moment.
I've not seen Karen much. She's been busy working, always working. And life in this house has returned to normal, the excitement (if you can call it that) of my broken leg has worn off and everyone is back to their usual selves. Except of course I need Janine or Mum as a taxi service. There's no way I'm getting on a bus in my state, those things are death traps at the best of times and that's without a leg in plaster.
I have been having big guilt issues just lately. Do I tell my Mum about Karen and myself? If I do what exactly do I say? How do I bring the subject up? Does she already know? She's said some very weird things just lately that have made me wonder if she knows and is also trying to find a way of us discussing it without either one of us looking embarrassed.
Take yesterday for example. I now have a nice new lap top by the way. Yes, finally! My Dad needed his old thing back as my Mum wanted to do use it. I moaned at first but gave in. It didn't seem fair that he would take my only means of doing college work away from me when I can't struggle downstairs easily to do my work on the main computer.
I didn't have to feel bad for long. Dad is a tease sometimes. He let me stew in my mood for a while then came into my room with something in a bag. He smiled and handed it to me and said I deserved this. Inside was a box wrapped up in Christmas paper. He explained that it wouldn't wait until then and I needed it now. I was more than surprised when I unwrapped it. I sat there and stared at it for ages. Then I started crying and Dad looked upset. I had to tell him I was happy and not sad! I had wanted a new one for ages and he knew how much it meant to me.
I get on really well with my Dad, more than my friends do with theirs. We don't spend ages talking like I do with my Mum or Janine but we connect with each other in a special way as if he can read my mind or something. I was over the moon with the new laptop and couldn't wait to get it powered up. Dad left me alone to play, letting me know that I had better get all my data transferred from the old one to the new before handing it over to my Mum.
I'm not a techno-freak. I don't know shed loads about computers but I know enough to clear out my cookies and temporary internet files so no one can find out what I have been looking at. Well, I obviously don't know enough because I fucked up big time. After transferring all my college work and removing bits of programs I made sure nothing was left for my Mum to find and then let her know she could use it.
Anyway, yesterday I was checking out all the new stuff on my new laptop, a big smile on my face. It was just after 9pm, Dad was at the gym and Janine was out baby sitting for Mums sister across the other side of town. I didn't envy her one bit, our younger cousins are a nightmare. Mum was downstairs watching TV or so I thought. She clearly wasn't as she came into my room with the laptop and sat on my bed, the laptop on her lap.
She asked me if I liked the new one. I smiled and said yes, YES!! She asked me if I had taken everything I needed from the old one, I said I was pretty sure I had. Mum looked at me in a funny way and asked me again if I didn't want to check the laptop one more time. Now this made me stop and think. She watched me as I studied her face, trying to work out what she was talking about. I finally said I didn't need to check, I know I had taken everything off.
I was so wrong.
"Please take another look," Mum said. She placed the laptop on the bed and left the room.
I could feel the embarrassment creeping up on me even before I touched the laptop. I turned it around and I swear my heart stopped beating. I closed my eyes not wanting to believe what I had just seen. It wasn't true. It wasn't happening.
But it was. It was still happening. Live.
2 windows were open. One was MSN Messenger, logged in under my name. The second was a chat window, opened for a conversation with FunD1VA. So far she had said: "hi sexy" and "look what I have for you!" and finally: "are you there? don't be shy, I'm not!"
That wasn't the worst part. No way. The worst part was the live video feed in the image window. FunD1VA, my online masturbation buddy, was busy rubbing her bald fanny through a pair of see-thru knickers. I froze. Oh my fucking shitting God!! My Mum had just seen this! She had just seen FunD1VA getting ready to finger fuck herself for me. And it had to be me, it was my username and password in Messenger.
I logged off immediately. Then I uninstalled Messenger and deleted all references to it anywhere I could find them. I then checked through al my emails and deleted them all. After 20 minutes I couldn't find anything else and put the laptop back on the bed. What the fuck was I supposed to say my Mum? I was thinking of telling her about Karen and me but this was just the worst way I could ever think of, ever.
Shit! Shit! Shit! Fucking hell!!!!!!!
I didn't know what to do. Then something changed in me. I stopped panicking instantly. I must have realised I couldn't do anything to change what my Mum had seen, it was done now and I had to suffer the consequences of that. I felt calm like I was ready to accept what fate had to offer.
Mum came back into my room and sat on my bed. She glanced at the screen and pushed it aside. She took a deep breath and I readied myself for the worst. What she said wasn't what I expected at all. I was shocked and as I'm writing this down there's so much I can't quite remember, but I'll do my best.
"When I was a bit younger than you I had a crush on someone," she said. She didn't look at me, but out of the window. "Well, I had many crushes, the first when I was 8 on a boy named Tommy Wright. We used to play Kiss Chase together in the playground."
She paused for a moment as if enjoying the memory from her childhood.
"But this crush I had around your age was different," she continued. "I'm pretty sure I was around 18 and very naïve in the ways of the world. I was doing my A-levels before university, I remember that."
Again another pause. I wanted to know where this was leading to and what it had to do with her finding FunD1VA playing with herself.
"My best friend at the time was Stephanie Powers. She was a wild one. Even from a young age, I'd known her since we in first school together, she was wild then. But she loved to do things to shock people. You know the sort of thing, she'd dye her hair bright orange or wear some ridiculous outfit just to see the reaction people gave her."
Mum stopped as if gathering her thoughts. "We were complete opposites, her and I. I was shy, unimposing...normal I guess you could say. Anyway, we did everything together, shared the same classes, the same taste in music, went out together into town. Everything. We slept over at each others houses, stayed up all night giggling, you know what it's like?"
"I don't remember the first time I really started to feel attracted to her," said Mum. This was where I felt the shock start to creep up on me. "But I do remember the first time I caught myself looking at her in a different way. We were in my room watching TV one afternoon. We'd been sunbathing all afternoon and we're hot and sticky and needed to flop out on my bed."
Why was she telling me this? Was it her way of trying to say she knew about Karen and me? Jesus what a way to go!
"My mother found us and suggested we shower off and get ready as we were going out to a pub for dinner." Mum paused and scratched her nose. "I headed off, showered and came back to my room with a towel around me. Steph went in next and 20 minutes later she walked into my bedroom without a stitch on and lay down on my bed. My jaw just about hit the floor!"
I laughed at this. I could understand my Mum being shocked.
"I didn't say anything at first, just lay on my bean bag watching TV. Eventually I decided we had better get changed before my mother came back and got angry at us for not getting a move on. I wasn't a prude, all our friends had changed in front of each other at school for years but the changing room is different, there's so much going on and really only thing to do, get dry and get dressed. You've been there yourself."
I nodded again. I knew what that was like. It wasn't a big deal.
"This was different. The only 2 things to focus on were the TV and each other. I had to get dressed but I wasn't going to ask Steph to leave. So I calmly suggested we better get going. I had to take off my towel, no other way to get dressed is there? Steph stood up and I simply couldn't take my eyes off her body. I can remember it now so clear."
Mum shut her eyes. "She was slim but curvy. Her skin tanned so easily yet she always had crisp white tan lines which were like strobe lights to be drawing my eyes in to those areas. I felt so silly staring at her but...well I guess I realised I was turned on by her body. I don't know if I would have had to the guts to do anything...more...you know...but that's all I did then, stand and stare."
She opened her eyes and looked at me. Then looked back out of the window. It seemed easier for her that way, as if looking at me would be too embarrassing for her.
"We never did anything...you know...sexual. Steph and I. But I relished every time we were naked together. Maybe I hoped something would happen but it never did. Not with Steph."
She stopped and took a deep breath. I realised this was very hard for my Mum to do and I felt a bit sorry for her. I felt like I had forced this on her somehow, but then I think she knew that the only way I would tell her about me and Karen was if she opened up first, confessed a secret to me, to entice me into revealing something secret about my life.
"These days it seems all the rage for girls to run around snogging their friends," Mum stated. "Like it's a fashionable thing to do. When I was your age girls didn't do that sort of thing. It was a taboo thing. People called girls like that "rug munchers" and "carpet lickers. They were ridiculed in the same way gay men were, and sadly still are. But nothing like the 70's or 80's."
Outside an ice cream van pulled up. We could hear the children in the street yelling out and laughing as they queued up eagerly awaiting for their turn.
"Steph and I went to different universities," Mum said. "We stayed in touch but eventually drifted apart. She's living in Spain now with her husband. The first time something happened between me and another girl was at a party in halls of residents in my first year. A group of us had been drinking all afternoon and evening and most of us we drunk as hell, god it was awful to think of the punishment I gave my liver back then!"
We both laughed at this. That seemed to relax things a little.
"Anyway, the party seemed to die around midnight, most people were passed out or laying on the floor talking nonsense. I had to walk back across campus to my own flat and a girl, Belinda Coates, who I'd only met a few times before came with me. We'd barely spoken previously, just in passing in the student bar a few times. That night we'd got to know one another and shared some good laughs."
It seemed that the memories were still very much alive in my Mums mind as she paused again. Her eyes flicked back and forth as if playing an unseen video, sifting through to find the right scene.
"We took a bottle of vodka with us," she said with a chuckle. "And passed it back and forth as we walked, well stumbled shall I say. Half way we ended up falling over at the top of this small hill near the rugby ground. We collapsed in fits of laughter and told each other we'd have to sleep there and head back in the morning as we were way too drunk to move."
I knew that feeling. I'd been there a few times at those kind of parties and would be again if it wasn't for my bloody cast.
"I don't really remember what we talked about," Mum said. "The stars were out and we lay there on the hill staring up at them. I have no idea how we got round to sex but we found out that both of us found girls as attractive as boys and that we were both attracted to each other. Funny thing was that neither of us had ever done anything about it. So we kissed each other. Not very private place really but it was dark and no one else was around. It was a very exciting time for me."
I wanted to say something like: "I know what you mean," or "I've been there Mum, know what you're talking about," but I couldn't. I just lay there speechless listening to my Mum reveal her first lesbian experience.
"Of course we went further than just kissing as you can imagine," Mum carried on. "Otherwise I wouldn't be telling you all about it. We get quite carried away actually and before we knew what had happened we had removed a lot of each others clothes. We weren't naked, but we spent some time exploring each others breasts, kissing and touching each other. It was such an arousing, exciting moment."
I'm not sure but Mum started to look a bit red in the face at this time.
"I think the cold must have stopped us because we started to shiver. The effects of the booze was wearing off and we decided to head home. We both felt a bit silly at what we had done, we were suddenly very awkward with each other. Anyway Belinda's flat was locked up and no one was home. She didn't have her key with her so I insisted she sleep in my room that night. I always slept naked, hated nightshirts or underwear in bed, still do in fact."
I tried not to picture my Mum getting into bed naked these days, but I felt a pang of pride that she still did that. My Mum is still good looking and as I've said before her and Dad still have a pretty good sex life. I've heard them many times through the walls.
"So I stripped off, threw all my clothes on the floor without thinking about it. Belinda started laughing and I realised I had company and started to apologise. Belinda followed and pretty soon we were laying next to each other on my single bed, naked and once again very horny. We spent the entire night exploring each others bodies, one orgasm after another. It was very passionate and all so new to us that we were like kids in a sweet shop with a very large amount of cash to spend."
I laughed at this analogy. Mum smiled at me. She did indeed look flustered as if she was aroused at the memory.
"The next day we skipped all our classes and spent the entire time in my bed. We made love for hours and hours. We saw each other a few times after that but it was never the same and never for very long. I got the feeling Belinda was not ready to come to terms with her love for women but needed a quick lesbian fix now and then. I was comfortable with who I was. I didn't need to shout it from the roof tops and I kept it secret from my friends but I didn't need to feel dirty afterward the way I believe Belinda did. That was my first sexual experience with another girl."
She stopped. I could see her chest was rising and falling. Her breathing was quite heavy now and for me that was a sure sign that she was aroused.
"But not your last?" I asked her.
"Why do you say that?"
"You wouldn't have ended it that way otherwise," I explained. "It felt like there was more to come."
"Yes," said Mum slowly. She adjusted her blouse slightly. "More to come."
I could see her nipples protruding through her bra and blouse and wondered just what she was no thinking. Was she still on track to try and ask me why she had found FunD1VA masturbating on the laptop?
For a moment it seemed she was in her own dream world, reliving her old memories oblivious to me. Then she shook herself and looked me square on.
"There is more," she said. "Do you want to hear more?"
I nodded. "If it's okay with you."
"I don't mind," she replied. "But sharing is a two way thing you know."
Okay, so this was the tactic. I nodded and winced slightly. "I will," I said thinking the exact opposite. I wasn't sure I was ready just yet.
Mum smiled. "I love your father very much, you do know that?"
"I'm not the cheating type either and neither is he," she explained to me. "And what I tell you now is in the strictest of confidence. If I hear you've told anyone else...well no punishment will be dealt out but you'll lose the closeness we have. I won't be able to trust you. Understand?"
"Yes," I said. This was getting serious but I promised I wasn't going to break her trust, ever.
"Okay then." She took another deep breath. "Belinda was the only girl I was sexual with until I met your father. We fell in love and are even more in love now than ever. Over the years we've shared many things with each other, some I don't need to go into but there are some I can tell you about."
She gathered her thoughts and told me an amazing story I found hard to believe. Mum and Dad had been married about 3 years when she told him she found women attractive. Being a man he thought that was very sexy, men love the whole lesbian thing. One evening at a dinner party they met a couple through friends of theirs who they instantly clicked with. Elizabeth and Daniel Peterson, same age as Mum and Dad. They met them many times and even spent a week in France together about 2 years later. One evening they had arranged a dinner here, this is before me or Janine was born. But Elizabeth called to say Daniel had been sent off to London for the weekend and she had to cancel. They invited her over anyway, no reason for her to be on her own for a whole weekend.
The dinner was good fun, they chatted and then played cards and laughed and joked with each other. They all got pretty drunk too. Mum seemed a bit vague over how anything sexy got started but Dad let it slip that Mum was attracted to women. It seemed that Elizabeth had found herself wondering what sex with a woman was like for some years.
I think Mum doesn't remember much about that night, she was trying to piece together things from her memory and what Dad had told her. Mum had offered to "teach" Elizabeth a thing or two about lady love if she was interested. Dad encouraged both of them to enjoy themselves, and whatever they did that night would stay with them, a secret no one need know.
Elizabeth seemed unsure and even though she expressed an interest she declined the offer. She felt it wasn't the right time. Mum an Dad backed down despite their obviously highly aroused idea that hadn't quite come to fruition. Elizabeth was invited to stay in the guest room as she was over the limit and shouldn't drive home.