False Alarm Ch. 05

"Hold up now, that's enough!" She could feel her eyes burning." Like I said, you are way off. First of all, if you can't tell I have feelings for you...Second, we don't do anything so how could I be 'cheating'. And Third, I would never be ashamed of my child, don't ever come at me like that again."

"Well, what am I supposed to think Nia? It's been months. Plenty of time to bring up a kid, plenty of opportunities, I was in shock. Are you still with his father is that why you aren't available sometimes? I knew something was up." Austin was trying to keep his cool. He didn't want to show how much it really affected him.

He was unsuccessful. His voice got louder and taken a harsh tone. She shrank away from him. Once again, he made her feel like she was in trouble.

"I had feelings for you Nia. I feel like we aren't on the same page if you kept that from me."

Niala almost buckled, 'had'? So things have changed? She wasn't going to beg someone to talk to her. "Austin I told you in the beginning I had stuff you probably didn't want to be involved in. Maybe it's best that we do stop talking. I am not a cheater though." Niala turned away from him. She didn't appreciate being yelled at. She knew she could have said more to clear things up, but she wasn't sure that it was worth it She had too much going on maybe she wasn't deserving with all these obstacles. Easier to just end this now, while she still had an out, even if it's wrong.

"So it's like that? You just want to be done like that?"

"It sounds to me like we are on the same page for once since you USE to have feelings for me."

"That's all you have to say about the situation? This is a waste of my fucking time, you didn't explain a thing! You know what? You are right. Nice meeting you Niala and Sean is a cute kid." Austin walked past her back inside. He heard running from the door.

"Are we fucking children? Guys I'm not in the mood..." He yelled walking through the door. They had had an audience. He slammed it so hard it echoed in the open space.

Niala flinched. She was holding back tears that began to fall as soon as she knew he wasn't coming back out. She knew what she was doing now. Self sabotage.

*****

She felt so weak, crying over something that never really got a chance to get off the ground well. The whole time they were arguing she just wanted to wrap her arms around him, but she never made a move. She had her chance to fix it, but she let it slip away like it didn't mean anything to her. Niala sat on her bed with puffy eyes. She had put Sean to bed and was now free to wallow in her feelings. Was she so damaged that she killed it before it had a chance? In retrospect, she couldn't come up with a logical explanation as to why she had waited. She faintly remembered telling herself she deserved better recently. However, was she ready for what she was asking for?

She listened to the sad songs streaming through her iPod dock station. Every time, she wanted to think she would cut off everything else and listen to music. Songs to match her mood Cold Play's "Sparks" had faded out. She drove him away. The next song came on to mock her. Perfect timing like it knew what just happened. The deep words of Wale's "Diary" spoke of a woman who let her past relationship mistakes dictate her future. I'm not trying to hear that she thought, I am no cliché . The words of the song haunted her as she tried to drift to sleep.

Rather lose love than to move on never knowing what it feel like,

Short days, long nights,

By the phone, no call,

Need a clear mind 'cause I been blind,got me goin' down that road,

Heart made of stone,

Far away from home,

Black woman you cold,

She shifted in her sheets trying to get comfortable but still the words came up softly from the speakers to her ears like a lecture.

Every problem you ever had with another man I gotta face,

Started off on thin ice,

I'm still here but I can't skate,

Slow sink, can't breath, no remorse, don't think,

Listen to your friend get another man for a minute then repeat,

Queen, you deserve the title but she rejects what I give, while she nurse the wounds by them,

Tried them, didn't work, got impossible standards, nothing I'm a do is gon' work,

Diary of a black girl...

Niala shut it off the music to sleep in silence, only cut by her sniffs. Time to begin moving on. She prayed, begged for no dreams of Austin. Nevertheless, just like the other times she got no relief. She woke in the middle of the night panting. All she could remember was Austin walking away from her as she sat on her bed wrapped up in the sheets. She had tried to get untangled, but she couldn't the more she struggled, the tighter the sheets were around her body. Austin was free, nude with his back to her leaving her slowly with all her problems. She cried again, cried herself to sleep dreaming of nothing.