Family is Not Blood Ch. 03

"I was watching me make love to you like I always did, tenderly and with feeling, then when it was all over and I turned away from you, my face would change to the pain I was feeling. I remember those times, I would get lost in the feeling while making love that I used to have for you. It was such a reprieve and I could enjoy it for a moment. Then it was over and Corey came back into my empty marriage."

It was Cathy's turn to cry. "Do you know why I kept those files and destroyed the rest? It reminded me of what I lost and who I hurt. When I watch those video files, it shows me what a stupid idiot I was to you. I could not undo it. When we were married, I remember those times that you would suggest some unordinary, something different, risqué even outright kinky, and I would shoot you down. Big time I would shoot you down. No one was going to take that away the special treat from my fuck buddy that made me do naughty things that I loved to do. It was naughty twice over. I was going to get the best of both worlds, and those worlds were never going to cross over. You married an idiot, a stupid self centered jerk that..."

"STOP IT RIGHT THERE CATHY, DON'T GO ANY FARTHER". She was shocked, and so was I. "When all of this started, my Uncle and Aunt told me that people make mistakes, sometimes they do bad things, but are good people. You were making mistakes for years. I had no hope for you. If the affair was a one off, we would have worked it out I hope. But when I saw it go back years, I lost all hope and needed to end the marriage."

"But I've now seen you with Freddie here, split-up and leaking diapers, walking the halls at night, tired and worn and doing it day after day. Don't you think you paid your dues? Or at least a down payment on it? Have you not turned your life around? Have you not reached out to others? Have others seen that? Give you self a god damn break, you have a future to get to. We are finally dealing with our past, and it will never be totally put to rest, but it will become less and less important to US." I was shocked at what I just said, US. I became silent. Then softly said, "I meant what I said, I just don't believe I said it."

The look of shock and love and hope and fear all ran across her face at the same time. "Mike, you are serious about this. So am I. But I am now scarred shitless." "Me too Cathy, me too." She looked at me "Mike, we have to OH MY GOD. IT IS 6 PM. I WAS DUE HOME AN HOUR AGO AND..." "Cathy, call her up and tell her you are on your way. I'll get my coat. We have more to talk about."

We each drove to her apartment. She opened the front door and began walking in. Without looking at who was behind her, Rita started bitching to Cathy about being late and then just about jumped out of her skin when I walked in the door behind her. Rita looked at me, shut up, said good bye, and left. Cathy chuckled while walking to the crying in the back bedroom. She picked up Franciszka, little Freddie. Hugging and cuddling, the crying stops. A diaper change, a feeding, a bath and a short story, and little Freddie zonks out. Contentment in her life.

Cathy and I returned to the living room. While passing by the bedroom, I realize that something was different, and I slowed my step. There were two twin beds in that room. I had made sure that both of their 'cheating' beds were destroyed. Twin beds, and their linens were a lot cheaper replacements.

Before she sat down, Cathy offered me a glass of wine. She said that she really needed it and had stopped breastfeeding about 2 months ago when she started to dry up. She slowly made the switch. Little Freddie took a week, but has adjusted to it. The little girl has even gained more healthy weight than was expected.

"Cathy, how did your mother handle you calling your daughter Franciszka?"

"At first, she thought it was a pretty name but was confused about why I kept calling her Sofia. After Dad found out, and who Franciszka named after was known, she blew a cork." Cathy laughed. "It was especially hard for her when the Little Freddie nickname became common. Grandma was being replaced by her ex-husband Grandpa. To be honest, she actually is of very little help. I realized quickly before the baby came, she remained here for a roof over her head and food on the table. I looked at her during those months and wondered if that was what I was going to become. It scared me."

Cathy brought over a '2 Buck Chuck' from Trader Joes. The Charles Shaw brand actually costs about $3, and this was their Cabernet Sauvignon. She uncorked it and was about to serve it in some red wine glasses we had received from our wedding.

I said, "Would you like to improve that wine?" She nodded yes, but there was a questioning across her face. "First, pour the wine into the glasses slowly over an inverted spoon, very slowly. Recork the bottle and we can wait. I'll get the wine when it is time. And yes, get another empty wine glass for me." I was letting the red wine breath. Being a cheap Pollock, and doing some reading. I learned that letting red wine breath actually improves it flavor. It takes a $3 bottle into an $8 bottle or better. Later this evening, we were going to do a blind side by side taste test.

We both sat down on the couch, we were both very pensive, waiting. After a minute of painful waiting, I remembered something. I chuckled and waved to the clock. We both started laughing about the nanny cam. She said, "You know, I can turn that off if you want." I said, "You know, I could have thrown my coat over it when we came in."

"When we were rudely interrupted by the time clock at my apartment, I said that we had talked about you and what you have done. But we did not talk about me. It's my turn. I have not been static."

"Mike, can I ask a question first?" I nodded. "How did you discover that I was unfaithful?"

What people say and how they say things matter. Here was Cathy, my ex-wife, using the word unfaithful to describe herself. Words have meaning. They tell others where we are at. This was not put on, this was not acting. This was showing me where she was.

"It was a ripped off top of a single condom. I never ripped them off because that would mean I would need to pick up two pieces of trash that might get lost on the floor. The rug was the same color as the package. When I saw it, I immediately knew what happened. I never looked at things before. I did not have to, I trusted you. The count in the condom box was two short. After that I saw signs of it everywhere."

I looked at her and with tears in her eyes she started to say something. "Cathy, it's my turn now. We are now moving beyond what happened before, although I am sure that we will revisit it in the future. Let me talk about me and where I have gone."

"I moved to my Uncle Stan and Aunt Iwona's house. They had insisted. They had empty bedrooms as their kids were on the East and West coasts. They knew that I really should not be alone. Starting out life again was going to take energy, and I was still studying for the CPA exams. Being an accountant does make me exact, and I know, sometimes to the point of driving everyone around me crazy." That is when Cathy rolled her eyes in a most theatrical way and mouthed 'I know' without saying a sound. "Yes, I know, obnoxiously true."

"So I got some home cooked Polish meals every Sunday and company when ever I needed to talk. And talk and cry I did. I was finally able to grieve, to let it out. I was holding it in from the time I found the top of that wrapper until I walked out of your shower." Then I stopped looking at my hands and looked her straight in the eye. "It is still a work in progress."

"You know that I am partially responsible for little Freddie here, I threw it in your face at the shower. By sabotaging those condoms, my condoms, I made you feel the result of your, your..." I was stammering now. What the hell do I call it? "For over two years it was you fucking somebody else. It was slut, whore, it was that god damn bitch. Those words don't fit now. They don't fit who you are now."

"Infidelity. Mike, does infidelity fit?"

"Thank you. Yes, that fits. That really does fit." Then I waited a minute to recollect my thoughts. "I made you have a permanent result of your infidelity. Cathy, you lived most of your life to not be responsible for what you did. You were bossy, controlling, it was always somebody else's fault. Every one just got in your way. Anything that went wrong, it was a personal affront to you. The world owed you a living."

"When we got married, I was waiting you out, waiting for you to grow up and be that other person I saw inside. When I found out your lying, your infidelities, I knew that it was a lost cause. Yet, I have not heard you even mention what I did, and you justifiability could have thrown it back in my face. My side question before I continue is 'Why not?'"

Cathy smiled at me. "On some deep level that I never really acknowledged at the time that I knew that you were aware, aware that you were not the father. Those falling asleep drunk on the couch nights after we started to have sex on those evenings when you returned from being out of town, were a little hollow. You were never a heavy drinker. And then I became pregnant, those 6 months, you were there and supported me. I was going to have an abortion before I told you, but I realized that this was changing something inside of my head. I was not strong, or smart enough to end my wild ways, my infidelity, but I was being more aware that this behavior was an infidelity. I began to realize that I did not want my child to grow up in a house, like I had, seeing the infidelity destroy and warp my child hood and my parents marriage."

"How could I blame you for making me stop my whoring life? And this new life really turned me around. There is no blaming you on my part. There really have been no recriminations in me about it. Does that answer your question?"

I nodded, this was, and definitely was not the same Cathy I knew. I took a minute to continue. "I made it a point to get out of the house. You can start laughing now." I waited two seconds. "I joined a bowling league." I saw a wonderful bemused smile on her face. "I wanted to move out of their house in 6 months, and I had left everything but my clothes. So I went to garage sales in better neighborhoods. Because I had the time, and being cheap, I was able to get some real good deals."

"One of my weekends, I helped an empty nester couple with their sale. I was there early and saw that it was a mess. So I offered to help them set up for an hour. They said that they would pay me, but I told them to worry about it later. I was there helping out till 1PM when they closed down. Do you remember that set of calphalon pots you really liked? I got a gently used set from them."

"It was difficult for me, but the things that others were telling me were helping guide me along. They were saying that this will pass, the sun will come up tomorrow, whether you are happy or not. I was just dragging through one day after another, but it became easier."

"My Aunt and Uncle kept telling me to be who I am, and that was not an embittered mean and nasty person. Hurting is temporary, hurting another is permanent. I used this time to grow. I took restock of my life and was figuring out what was important. Being braver, interpersonally, was something I needed to be. I've been working on it."

I've been looking at her then looking at the 'sky' to get my collect my thoughts all this while. "Family is not about blood, and I was realizing that ex-family and friends are family too."

"All of my extended family and friends were supporting me, and a couple would occasionally give me a good natured dope-slap when I started falling down. These god damn friends of mine, started to slowly let me overhear what you were doing and how you were. Let me guess. Were they doing that it you too?" Cathy sheepishly nodded.

"I trusted them, wanted to ream them a new ass hole, but I trusted them." Cathy broke up laughing. "But I really did trust them, and I trusted what they were doing was what was right for me. Answer me this, were you in on it? What ever answer you give is OK. I will not be hurt or offended or angry or whatever. I am sitting down in front of you now, for a reason that I and I alone chose. Were you in on it?"

"Mike, I was not in on it. I was wondering why they were doing what they were doing, especially after the way I treated you. When I started getting my life in a better order, and started to be an adult, I reached out to them, and they back to me. 'Overhearing' about you, I thought that they were helping me to try to let go, to see that you were moving on and I had to deal with it and move on. But thinking about it now, they never mentioned anyone else. Before you ask, just to be sure, Dad and I calling you when I was assaulted was real, not a set up."

With a smile on my face I continued. "No one would ever fake an assault like that. After the shower, I met with Larry, his wife and your father. Larry told me what he had done about Paul. Let me tell you, don't ever think about messing with your Uncle Larry. But he showed me a couple of things. Our bonds as family transcended the end of our marriage. He was still Uncle Larry, and your father was still my father-in-law."

"I was also thankful that these people were taking care of you, from a distance, but taking care of you. Your father never let on to me how close you two had become, how he helped you grow. Anyway, those bonds we had remained. In fact, they deepened. The other thing that I learned from your and my uncles was that they lived the saying, as well as they could, that people sometimes deserve another chance."

"The next thing was meeting with Mary. As you know, I went out of my way to have her warned so she could be supported when it all hit the fan. I did not want collateral damage to others, and avoided it when I could. It was not part of what I wanted to do."

"At that dinner, Mary found out that I did not want to continue to hurt you or little Freddie. I was so impressed about her helping you both. So out of my, and I guess it was only my own personal 'clear blue sky', and no body else's, she asked me to be the Trustee for little Freddie. I thought it was over quickly. I had set these up for others at my job, and had someone who could review my work on the side. If I did it, I knew that it would be more money for little Freddie. I was not going to take any fees, ever. So I said yes." I took a deep breath.

"Yes, good Catholic guilt. By the way, I've found out there is good Lutheran guilt and very good Jewish guilt and probably a whole lot more."

We laughed so much that tears rolled out of our eyes. You cannot grow up in an even a semi-religious Polish household or community, and not have that level of guilt in you AT A GENETIC LEVEL."

"I have to say, I really believe that Mary's desire to help little Freddie and you was her way to move on. It allowed her to put the past to rest and feel that she could move on with her head held high. It was closure, she was healing."

"So this is where I was at with you. But I need to talk about me. I have not been static. I was able to move out of my Uncle's and Aunts house after 7 months, and into my own apartment. They were glad to help me empty the basement. I guess, I collected quite a stash of stuff."

"But I was also not static on the social front." I saw a worried look on her face. I did not smile back, but continued on. "I told you that I was always going to honest with you, and with everyone else in my life. It did not happen by my design, but things just progressed on their own and I have become involved. It has just been a couple of weeks, but I have not been alone."

"You and I are here right now, not by design but by us finally being open and ready to talk. I would like to continue this new dance in our lives. I do not know if it will work out or not, but I am more than willing to risk and to give it a try. What are you willing to do? Please think about it carefully. If you want to go forward, everything we do we both have to agree. And only then can we attempt to go forward. You can also decide that you do not want to go forward." I waited, and each second was an eternity.

In a quiet voice she started, a little bit shaken. "I have no right to ask you to break off any relationships that you have. I want to go forward with you. Earlier this evening, I said I was scared when you talked about a future between us. I am still scared. YES, YES, I want to go forward, to take that chance with you again. I cannot ask that you stop anything, and I know that it would be difficult for me to deal with. I saw what it did to you, and I don't think I could handle it for long."

Then a smile broke out over my face, and she brightened up, not really knowing what I was going to say, just hoping what it could be. "I want to go forward with you. I want for us to try again, and I do not want anyone else, except for that little one in the back bedroom, to keep us apart. No matter how much spit up there is with here, and that spit up and dirty diapers will probably be glue for us. I need a week or two to talk with them to tell them.. I 'm sure that they will underst...."

"THEM?".

Yes, it is a her and a her. I became friends with one of them it just progressed on its own. Well, the other one ended up joining us and the three of us.. "

"THE THREE OF YOU?"

"I just let life take its course. Look, it was over a year after I left you. I worked through as much grieving as I could. I actually had more time than you did. I started before you became pregnant. I was not planning on meeting you for a long time. I was moving on with my life...."

"THE THREE OF YOU?"

"Yes, them. I will tell you all about it, but first I need to speak with them first. Then I will fill you in all the details. Including who they are, and if you really want to, some of the details. I do not want them to be blindsided. I've been with them in good faith and I want to respect our friendship. Cathy, I will not be dishonest with you, but I owe this to them."

"The three of you? You have a them?" She waited a minute and then continued. "In my wildest dreams, I thought that we could give it another try. I cried my self to sleep thinking that would never happen. But in my fantasy, I would get to the point were we would be intimate. I was always going to be afraid of doing something that I enjoyed, but you saw the video, and it would kill it for you, and us. And now I find out that you have had, wait a minute, are having, experiences that I've never had."

"Mike, I've been so afraid. I just imagined that you would be the same, and you are not. You are so much more open and honest, and so am I. I did not think that you would change, and you have. I never thought that you would have a three-way, and you have. There are countless things that I wanted to be different, and what I am seeing is that it has already happened."

"We have been more honest and direct with each other today then we ever were in our marriage. We have put everything out on the table, without venom, with our own hurt, but not venom. To go forward I, I mean, WE have to be open and honest. Today, I feel we have been. We have taken risks with each other today, and are still here. We have opened parts of our souls. This is how I want it to be. This is how it has to be, in everything."

"Answer me this, please, this also gives you and me freedom in our fantasies with each other? Can we be free and open in our feelings for each other and our love making? And I do mean love making, and good hard fucking too. I do not want you or me to be shared with another. Not now. If we become strong with one another, we can talk about it then. And even then, I cannot even think about it. Mike can we be open and free with each other while we are attempting to work things out?"