Recently I posted a story, 'F is for Fantasy' one in a series of what I am calling my 'alphabet stories'. I was both pleased as well as surprised by the number of comments received with regards to it. Not so much for any praise in the writing, but more pleased for how many have commented on what a great idea that it was...is.
I've long held that the key to any relationship is honest, open, truthful communication. Too many of us hold back from our partners how we often feel, what we need, want, or even desire out of fear of retribution. There really is a simple answer for that.
A fantasy jar.
Personally, I think it is something that should be in every bedroom. A jar, an erotically decorated box perhaps, hell...use your own imagination! Be creative, but make it something that stands as a reminder. More importantly, keep it accessible and available!
Sometimes it's hard to express one's most intimate desires and thoughts to our partners verbally. That fear of expression, sharing something that for us is an honest true desire, no matter how silly, (or how decadent) it might be. Verbally, it might be harder to express a certain feeling or desire and not have it come off sounding like you've just escaped from prison.
"Honey? You know what I'd like to do tonight? I'd like to fuck your armpit."
Doing it that way might every well cause your partner to pack her bags and head over to her mothers (or worse) her lovers for the evening.
The thing about writing down a thought, an idea, a fantasy if you will...allows our partners to read and digest those hearts desires in a non-threatening way. Often what might initially be received as a "no-fucking way" reaction to a verbal communication, could (and often is) more slowly digested, considered and given thought too without an immediate knee-jerking reaction.
And quite often, what we write is read by someone else in an entirely different way than the way we say it, or hear it. If it's truly a fantasy to feel the sensation of sliding your cock into your partners armpit, then writing it allows them to 'hear it' in a much different way. We all tend to 'hear' what is easier to accept through the written word. It's a fact of life!
Of course, forcing one's self to actually give thought to writing what we want/need/desire helps too. It forces us to temper our words and desires, yet still expressing them. Thus, my folded note on the subject might appear more like this: "Honey, my fantasy of you, something I would at least like to try and experience, would be the feel of my cock being caressed, held within the crook of your armpit. I know it sounds a little crazy perhaps, but I would really like to see what it might feel like."
Better than "I'd like to fuck your armpit," which is what we're still thinking without writing it quite that way.
Point being, we've now allowed our partner a moment to digest, reflect and yes...consider the possibility. But we've managed to do so in a non-threatening, non-confrontational way. We can draw our blue, or pink slips of paper from our jars or boxes in private. (Or whatever color format you prefer) We are now given the time to reflect, consider and come to a more rational conclusion without being forced into decision making on the spot. How many of us have changed our minds given time to think about something without being pressured into doing so in the now?
The thing about fantasies we must all remember is this. We all have them. They can range from the idiotically simple (but hey, even idiotic, it's MY fantasy!) to the more complicated, even weird desires we might have. But for two consenting adults, 'weird' might just turn out to be 'wild' and certainly well worth exploring.
And yes there are (and should be) rules. Don't make them so complicated that you need to have a handbook. But again simple communication is the key. You first need to establish which lines you will cross, and which lines you won't. That needs to be discussed and set up right in the beginning. But again, the more barriers you place, the less you'll have to work with too! Keep an open mind. Just because something might not be a 'turn-on' for you right now, doesn't mean it won't be given the circumstance. Whatever rules, limitations you set down, ensure they are one's that for whatever personal reasons, are simply those that you would not do or experience under any circumstances. And then leave it at that!
And remember, even a simple fantasy for one, is still a fantasy. Don't get all upset if you open one of your partner's fantasy notes only to discover what they really would like is to have their feet rubbed and nothing more. It's 'their' fantasy. Not yours! Indulge it! I can assure you, in doing so, and in making every effort to see to it that they get the best damn foot-rub of their entire life, chances are you'll get the best blowjob of your entire life later on in the evening. (Ok...maybe). But at the very least, when it comes your turn for your partner to perform one of your fantasies, (and maybe it's one of those kinky weird ones), you might be surprised when it is given with just as much enthusiasm and care as yours was for her. Simply because you have proven in the doing, you are willing to give them their fantasy, make it come true just the way they so vulnerably expressed it.
Agree to commitment. That's another important key, or your fantasies might lay doing nothing more than gathering dust. Make the commitment to at least explore one or two during the month. More importantly, take turns and ensure that time is set aside, planned for, especially if there are any other additional preparations that need to occur. Even the planning of a fantasy for someone else can be a very erotic and enjoyable experience. The pleasure of seeing the surprise on a persons face that you have gone to the effort to see to it they experience something, is a gift we should all be giving one another daily!
And finally, don't be afraid to share your deepest darkest secrets. Trust. It's a rule everyone should have, and the one rule that should never be broken! Trust that what you've written down you feel comfortable and trusting enough to share with your partner without comment or recrimination for having shared it. Neither should be judgmental over one another's needs or desires. The "failsafe" as I mentioned in the story, is the simple fact that sometimes a fantasy is just a fantasy. It may very well remain so. So what if one, even two of our personal fantasies remains in the jar? Sometimes just expressing our desires, our fantasies can be fantasy enough. The fact that we can do so, share with our partners what we think about, wonder about, or would (maybe) one day like to experience is better than keeping it to ourselves without ever sharing it. Who knows, maybe after a few months of digestion, that dusty old fantasy might make its way into the bedroom!
I'm certainly no expert. But if life has taught me anything, it's to dare to be bold, take a few risks once in a while, and then sit back and see what happens. Usually, I am blessed with pleasures or experiences I might not have otherwise known, simply because I didn't keep my thoughts to myself.
So grab yourself a jar, a box, whatever you prefer. And start sharing those fantasies!