Fantasy Football Player

If it was worth it, why do I feel so bad and want to cry again?

I let myself cry for a minute. It was just too overwhelming, I was so humiliated. I made myself think on the details of what I just did, I had a great climax while he watched as his bare feet were on my face and I was sucking on his sweaty toes. Was that really worth $240?

I couldn't think, I decided to answer that question later. As painful as it was, I wanted to lock in the memory of the humiliation I was feeling now so that I could make a good decision when I was home later.

He had told me to hurry back but he was allowing me time in the bathroom. I was ready to return but I needed to prepare myself for when he asked me if I wanted more money today. I needed for no to mean no this time, I was going to stand firm. I mean it, I am going to say no and stick to it.

I gathered up my resolve and met him back in the living room. He was standing and said "Thanks for coming over today, I need to get ready for a dinner date I have this evening." He was ending this get-together and I was very thankful for that.

He continued "This was one of the greatest experiences of my life, thank you" and he held out his hand for us to shake hands. Thinking about the extra $240 in my pocket I held out my hand and gave a hearty handshake.

I definitely wanted to leave the door open for more cash to come my way, even though I wasn't sure that I wanted it, so I said "Me too, I enjoyed it a whole lot and hopefully we can get together again."

We released hands and he said "Are you sure? You seemed pretty upset earlier."

I stammered and said "I was upset but that's part of being a poor person as I am." I am not actually poor but next to him I felt like a hobo. I continued "It's not a problem, I'm hoping that you enjoyed it to?" I was fishing for him to say yes even though he had already told me that he enjoyed it a whole lot, I felt like I was begging him to let me come over again. I was pathetic, I may as well have dropped to my knees and kissed his feet some more.

He said "Yes, it was great. I will e-mail you late tonight." In a re-assuring tone he said "I'm sure we can get together again another day."

I replied "Great, thanks!"

He walked me to the door and said "Have a great evening" and I said "You too" as I left his house.

It was finally over. I felt as though I had been tortured all day and was finally set free but I had not been inflicted with anything, I did it all myself. I felt like such a loser.

I cried during the drive home.

Chapter 7 -- Recovery

During the drive home I decided that I would not make any decisions for the next few days about whether or not I would accept an offer from him of more money. If he asked, I would deflect the issue or stall for time. I just couldn't handle all of this humiliation and my sense of self-worth was at an all-time low.

When I got home I put the $240 I had earned in my hand to try to bring up my spirits. $240 is a lot of money but as I was home thinking about what I had just gone through, it didn't seem like enough.

When I was calculating the rate of pay per hour I kept having $200 or $300 in my thoughts for each session so how did it all add up to only $240? I made sure that Andrew gave me the right bill and the bills didn't magically reduce in value on the drive home.

Thinking back to re-calculate the money I earned for the least humiliating session, when his smelly socked feet were in my face ... gosh that was horrible. I felt like a part of me had died under his feet for the first time. I don't even want to think about the other.... Nevermind, calculating, $50 for 15 minutes, that is $200 per hour so maybe $250 if you take away the tax, that is 10 hours of my work. So he paid me for 10 hours of my work.

Oh no, wait. He paid me $50. That is only 2 and a half hours of my work. I calculated it wrong. I think that would be okay for the first session of socks and maybe the second session, but. Oh my god, session 3 was $20 for 10 minutes, I licked the sweat from all over his bare feet for just one hour of pay. And I achieved....

I felt sick.

I went into bed and wanted to pass out but instead I cried and sobbed. And then I became angry. I pounded the pillow and the bed with both of my fists, I became almost enraged even as I cried. I had enough awareness to avoid hurting myself or causing damage in my apartment but I let it all out, I pounded and pounded my bed until my wrists hurt even just hitting pillows and a soft bed.

I became fatigued and my anger started to recede. My anger was not aimed at Andrew, it was all at myself for letting myself be abused like that. Andrew did not do anything wrong at all, he was perverted but he never forced me to do anything, I agreed to everything.

After my tantrum, the rest of the night my emotions were mostly numb and I just mindlessly watched TV instead of the more fun hobbies I usually enjoy. For the next several days I decided to just watch TV most of the time and allow my crushed ego to heal.

Andrew e-mailed me late that same night as he said he would but I did not read it until the next morning. I skimmed to the end, passing the sections where he was probably just trying to humiliate me further, and when I read "if you are interested in coming over tomorrow afternoon, I have more money for you" I clicked Reply and just typed "I'm going to need some time, thank you for the e-mail, I will contact you soon" and clicked Send. He responded with just "no problem." I did not login to chat, I did not want to deal with Andrew or with anyone for the next few days.

On that Tuesday night, 3 days after the afternoon of horror, I was starting to feel okay. I was still going to just watch TV but I also decided not to skip my personal session in front of the computer. Tuesday and Thursday night as well as Sunday afternoon, though not this past Sunday afternoon, I would touch myself while browsing certain sites on the internet and I decided that I was okay with this tonight.

It was okay but not nearly as pleasurable as usual because I was still feeling depressed from the past weekend. One of the few genuine pleasures in my life wasn't all that good but I had felt myself recovering and felt that I would be okay soon.

By Thursday night I was feeling quite a bit better. I decided that I was completely done with Andrew unless he paid me 8 or 10 times as much as previously. For $400 or $500 cash I would lick his feet for 15 minutes but not for less money than that or for longer. And it would take $1000 cash for me achieve orgasm with his toes in my mouth.

I knew that he was capable of giving me that type of money so I may have to deal with the possibility of coping with the same sort of humiliation as last weekend. But for that amount of money, it would really be worth it. And I would not e-mail him asking or begging, I would e-mail him as a courtesy because I said I would e-mail him but he would need to offer me that good money or else it was no deal.

Now that I had a plan thought out, I was ready to stand firm to it. He could not manipulate me into waffling. I tried to think of the ways he could try to manipulate me but I knew he wouldn't just outright cheat me such as promising to pay and then not paying, if I was any judge of character he was sadistic and perverted, but not a cheat. In any case, I would not feel bad about myself if he did something so bad as cheating me, that is what hurt me the most, I was the cause of my distress last weekend.

I still wasn't ready to e-mail him, I would do that tomorrow night.

Later on Thursday evening I started browsing to those sites again and touching myself but I still wasn't firing on all cylinders. It felt okay, I didn't feel depressed or sick to my stomach like I had earlier in the week, but it just didn't give me the same pleasure it used to. I guess having to do this in front of Andrew is still tough to get over.

On Friday night I e-mailed him a very brief e-mail "Hi Andrew, how is your fantasy football team looking so far this year?" I still did not login to chat.

He replied only a few minutes later "great. how would you like to earn some more money?"

I interpreted this as his way of begging me to participate in his little sordid games. It felt like the shoe was on the other foot now, but then I really hated that metaphor because it brought up bad memories.

I wrote back "I'm looking to make a lot more cash this time" and clicked Send. My e-mails are usually not nearly as terse but I didn't want to seem like I was begging for his cash or that it was a big deal to me.

He responded "how about $60 for 15 minutes?"

He didn't specify exactly what but that was not nearly enough. I didn't want to keep e-mailing back and forth as he'd increase the amount by increments so I wrote "I'm going to need $500 for 15 minutes" and clicked Send.

My heart started beating more rapidly. What if he said yes to that? I was hoping he said yes because that was a ridiculously huge amount of money for just 15 minutes but I was afraid he would say yes because it would mean having to go through a humiliating ordeal again.

This time he didn't respond until a half hour later with "dude that's too much, how about $100."

I thought about antagonizing him with something like "I thought you were rich but I guess you just don't have that much money" but I thought better of it and knew that this wouldn't accomplish anything except feed my own anger, which had receded by now. So I responded "Nah" and clicked Send.

He quickly responded "ok, see you around" and that was that.

Chapter 8 -- The End

That was the end of that. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I could breathe again and it seemed like a dark cloud was removed from my vision as the room seemed brighter. I didn't realize how much the thought of that hanging over me had affected me but suddenly I felt like I could face the world again without hanging my head.

I looked back on the ordeal as a learning experience, a very painful one. I learned that I need to rely on my best feature which is my sense of logic. I need to concentrate more on that, had I don't that my calculations would have made more sense and I would have seen that it wasn't a good deal for me, or at least I could have made a better informed decision. Had I not gotten so emotional I could have left when I wanted to leave, before he had me touch myself while his toes were in my mouth.

Maybe it was like having my mouth washed out with soap when I was a little brat kid. Only this time my mouth was washed out with his sweaty feet. The effect was the same, I would never do the things which led to those punishments.

I figured that this was the end of the story. And I all lived happily ever after.

But that was not the case. There was still one lingering side effect which I had to resolve.

On the Sunday after the horror weekend, after my life had brightened up by cutting any hold Andrew had on me, I still wasn't able to get much pleasure from the private time I had in front of my PC. I guess I needed more time to get over it.

But even after more time, I was not getting over it. Tuesday night, Thursday night, Sunday, Tuesday night, Thursday night, Sunday, and Tuesday night all the same, not much pleasure. There just wasn't the same excitement and when I did achieve orgasm, it was just sort of blah.

I didn't feel traumatized any more by the ordeal almost 3 weeks ago, I was over it almost two weeks ago. Was I just getting tired of the internet sites I was using? Those had always worked for me for years. On that Thursday night I tried some different sites and even paid to join a new site. It was all very interesting and exciting in a way but I was still just not getting nearly as much pleasurable reaction as I had several weeks ago.

I guess I could try a prostitute but no, that is way too expensive and I probably wouldn't enjoy it at all anyway even if I could get over being nervous.

I was thinking about what else I could try and I thought back to the last time I had a particularly pleasurable experience. It was.... Oh god, it was while I was sucking on Andrews toes.

No, I'm not even going to think about that. That wasn't a pleasurable experience overall, it was a nightmare. I admit that the physical feeling at that moment was ... it was heaven, I'm remembering. It was absolute heaven. I was getting an erection just thinking about it.

Oh shit. I can't think about this, I am just going to find another way. So I browsed the internet sites some more and brought myself closer to orgasm when without thinking about my actions I closed my eyes and fantasized having his toes in my mouth ... and I achieved the best orgasm I had by far since that weekend.

What just happened? Don't panic and don't try to avoid it, just calm down and think about it. I had just of my own accord fantasized about sucking on a guy's toes while having a great orgasm. A guy who had made me his bitch and left me crying with humiliation. Let's start there because it can't go any lower than that.

But it was just a fantasy, it was not real. There were no toes this time and there was no humiliation. I was able to find pleasure, a lot of pleasure, on my own without relying on some sadistic fiend. There was no harm done and everything was fine.

I was really glad I thought it through. It really was fine, kind of weird, but whatever.

The following Sunday I tried just focusing on the internet sites but it was clear that wasn't going to work. Hey, how about finding a real girlfriend? I was taunting myself, I was too shy to find anyone quickly and maybe to find anyone at all. I figured I would probably find a woman who I was good for at some point but going to parties or nightclubs just made me feel extremely awkward and hurt my self-esteem so those were no help. I could maybe join a club where people got together and enjoyed some hobby but all of the hobbies I enjoyed were male-oriented and very few women seemed to want to participate.

I decided that it was okay for me to fantasize about whatever I could to make me feel good. Whatever floats your boat. In my case, it was Andrews toes and fantasizing about those toes and even remembering the taste and the feel between his toes helped me explode into another very pleasurable orgasm. Wow, that was good, and I was just going to keep fantasizing about that.

On the following Tuesday I decided that I should try some deflection I think they call it in psychology. Instead of thinking of a guy's toes I would think of a woman's toes. It felt strange to look up internet sites of female feet and so far none of them were turning me on at all. I tried hard to look at a picture of female toes and imagine those in my mouth but I couldn't even stroke myself erect while looking at those.

I felt dirty so I stopped and decided to skip Tuesday night.

On the following Thursday night I tried looking at female feet for a few minutes but it just wasn't working. I didn't know what else I could do so I thought about Andrews toes and had an immediate erection which led me to another wonderful explosion. Afterwards, I was frustrated but I realized that it was better than nothing so I counted my lucky stars, so to speak.

For the following Sunday I decided that I needed to try some other deflection. I read about some other things guys like to look at and tried some of those although other of those were too far for me and I didn't try everything. Nothing I looked at gave me any sort of positive reaction. In a way I was glad, I would prefer to be normal whatever that is, but I was disappointed that I couldn't shake the feeling that I would probably be Andrew's bitch, or Andrew's toes' bitch, for a long time. But it really didn't have anything to do with Andrew, he wasn't here and I hadn't even communicated with him for several weeks. He was out of the picture.

One of the other things guys like to look at but which was too far for me was looking at other guys' bare feet. I found that there are plenty of gay guys who like to look at guys' feet but also straight guys who liked that. It didn't make sense to me that a straight guy could get a sexual reaction from a guy's bare feet but whatever floats your boat. I stopped myself and realized that this described my exact situation so I guess it made sense for me, in a twisted way.

I decided to try to look at other guys' bare feet to deflect myself away from Andrew's feet. It wasn't much better to my ego to think that if I was successful I would enjoy looking at guys' feet but at least it would be someone I wouldn't know, someone who didn't victimize and utterly humiliate me.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, looking at guys' feet didn't do anything positive for me. It made me feel disgusted actually, and brought back bad memories of several weeks ago. I decided to wait until Tuesday to try anything again.

The next Tuesday night I decided to just go with what I felt and I didn't fight the feeling when I closed my eyes and imagined Andrew's bare foot on my forehead and his sweaty bare toes in my mouth. Somehow, even the humiliation of that moment and vividly remembering the taste made me more excited. Allowing myself to lose myself in this memory and fantasy helped me have the best orgasm since that weekend several weeks ago. As soon as it was over I felt about as happy as I have ever felt, it just felt so good and I knew that I could repeat the experience as I did on Thursday night.

Now it isn't much of a story to read about a guy pleasuring himself, but there is a point to all of this.

On Friday early in the evening Andrew e-mailed me again with just "how is it going? I miss you." That's a strange thing to say in this situation but I knew what he meant, he missed being able to humiliate me to tears.

I responded with just "Fine, how are you?"

He replied "I miss you. would you mind joining me on chat?"

My heart started beating faster but it was not a problem. I did not hate him for what he had done to me and I no longer hated myself for it. In a way I forgave him because it was just in his nature to enjoy causing humiliation and he didn't do anything at all which was non-consensual. I had not logged in to chat since that weekend, I am not sure why but I think I just didn't have anything really to chat about with anyone.

I logged onto chat and he quickly messaged me:

Drew: hi

Tedman: Hi

Drew: are you doing ok?

Tedman: Yes I am fine, how about you?

Drew: i have been worried about you but i didn't want to cause you any distress by emailing you

Tedman: It's okay, I got over it

Drew: that is good, are you sure? you really seemed emotional

Tedman: It was a very emotional time but I am sure I am fine

Tedman: Thank you for being concerned about me

Drew: i didn't want to hurt you

Tedman: It's okay, don't worry about it

Drew: will you accept my apology?

The chat seemed to be building toward this apology and I wasn't sure how I would react if and when it occurred. I'm human and I'm sure there is some lingering pain from that weekend but it's very therapeutic to forgive.

Tedman: Yes, I accept your apology

Drew: thank you

Drew: that means a lot to me

Tedman: You are welcome

Drew: would you let me make it up to you by buying you lunch tomorrow?

I hesitated. I really didn't know if I wanted to but he had apparently been wracked by guilt the past few weeks and I wouldn't mind easing his pain by letting him buy me lunch. Heck, I don't think I have ever said no to a free lunch. He was already typing his next comment by the time I started my response.

Drew: i have some advice to ask you about my fantasy football team

Tedman: Yes, lunch tomorrow would be good

Drew: great! do you like italian food?