Fate

I knew I was gay very early in life. There weren’t words to describe it and I wasn’t really sure what the words meant in relation to me when I did hear them. But I did know I didn’t want to be different. Life is hard enough. So I hid. I lied to myself and denied that I was a sexual creature. Rather than make a choice to lie or sneak around, I simply went without. I found enough pleasure and release with my own hand to survive. So I went off to college a virgin and very closeted. While there I decided to grow and actually live my life. I had three sexual encounters my sophomore year: a sneaked blow job in the research section of the library, a quick, nameless fuck in the bathroom in the biology building, and a mutual hand job under the bleachers at a baseball game.

That summer I knew that I wouldn’t be able to continue that nameless screwing around. I don’t know whether I waited too long to experiment or else I just wasn’t meant to go from guy to guy for a simple, mindless release. I didn’t even know any of the three guys’ names. Thank God I used condoms. So I decided to be honest with the world. I wasn’t going to sing out on the rooftops that I was gay, but if asked, I would tell the truth.

Junior year started with a new roommate. His name was Justin and he was a cutie. He had gingery hair but without the ruddy complexion of a redhead. There was just enough gold in his hair to keep him from being overly freckled and able to hold a tan in his skin. He was about six-two and I’d say close to 200 pounds. He looked solid and strong. He wore wire-rimmed glasses and his hair was short and slightly spiky around the part. He had gorgeous blue eyes and a very warm smile that lit up his whole face. He moved in his first load of stuff and I sat in my chair at my desk and was struck breathless. Every single fantasy I’d ever had about my perfect man all of a sudden had a face. My pulse raced and my body flushed. I couldn’t wait for him to come back, find out of those fantasies were going to come true. But like all fantasies, this one ended. Helping him was a cute, pretty girl of about the same age. His girlfriend, damn it! Well, I put a halt to my thoughts and just concentrated on getting to know this guy I would be sharing a small space with for the next nine months.

We did get along great. We had similar interests in movies, music, and books; just about everything. His girlfriend came up on a few weekends and I would make myself scarce so he could have some time with her. All the thoughts I had had of him in a sexual way were gone. During that time, I almost wondered if I was even a sexual being at all. I didn’t notice other guys. I never thought about going out and finding some sex. I found myself for those first few months wondering what it was all about. That changed soon enough.

Just before Christmas Break, Justin asked me if I was gay. I kept my promise and told him that I was. He just said ‘cool’ and that was about it. In January, after we had come back from break, he started asking me questions.

“Hey Marc, what’s it like sleeping with a guy?”

His question floored me. I sat there, making fish impressions with my mouth until the first flippant thing popped out of it. “Justin, what’s it like sleeping with a girl?”

He looked at me funny and asked what I meant.

I smiled, trying to word my response. “I’ve never been with a woman and I don’t know what it is like, you’ve never been with a guy.” I laughed. “I can’t tell you what sleeping with a guy is like because I don’t have a similar frame of reference.”

That seemed to end that conversation; or so I thought.

That Friday night, Justin came into the room after his late lecture and found me studying at my desk. He came over to me and leaned against the desk so he could look at me while we talked. This wasn’t unusual; we often talked like this.

“Okay Marc, I’m curious. I want to try it and see what it is like to sleep with a guy.”

My heart kind of died at that moment. “Well Justin, that’s fine, just make sure you find someone who is willing to experiment, go slow, and make sure you explain that this is a first for you.”

He kind of laughed and turned a little red. “Why can’t you be that guy?”

I really hadn’t seen where this was going. My jaw must have hit the floor. My mouth went dry and my heart started racing. I thought he might have been joking but the look in his eyes was very serious. I was hard instantly. I swallowed quite loudly.

“Justin, are you sure?”

“Very.”

I wanted him to have an out. I wanted to give myself an out. “You may not like it; I suggest we try something simple, like a kiss. That way there’ll be no harm if you don’t like it.”

He grinned at me and nodded. He moved slowly to me and took off his glasses and set them on my desk before cupping my face in his hands. He must have found my beard stubble interesting because he stroked my cheeks a little. He lowered his lips to mine and brushed them across mine slowly a few times. My heart almost burst from my chest as he lowered his lips firmly against mine and flicked his tongue out to lick the seam of my mouth. He didn’t lunge right in for a tonsil hunt, he moved slowly as if he had all the time in the world. God, he tasted good; mint and chocolate all in one. Too soon our first kiss ended and he pulled back to look at me.

I stood up from my chair and pulled him up too. I stand over him at six-five and I outweigh him by maybe twenty pounds. We are both strong and don’t really have any flab on us. We aren’t gym slaves, but we are toned and defined. When we were standing, I placed my hands on his chest and felt his heart pounding quickly against my palms as I started to unbutton his shirt. He put his hands at my waist and pushed under the hem of my t-shirt. His fingers felt wonderful as they fanned through the hair on my belly. I was blessed with slightly Italian looks. So I had dark brown hair and almost black eyes. My chest and stomach is covered in dark, shiny, baby-fine hair that thickens in the middle and runs almost like fur from mid chest down into my pants. He moved his hands slowly up, fanning his fingers out to cover my pecs with just enough pressure to make me moan. As I opened the last button on his shirt I placed my palms on his warm skin, dusted with the same golden red hair as on his head. I found his nipples and brushed my thumbs over them quickly and felt him shudder under my palms.

He pulled off my t-shirt and skimmed his hands over my shoulders and down my back. When he reached the waistband of my jeans, he kept going, smoothing his hands over my butt and pulled me against him. I knew then that he wasn’t going to stop because I could feel him hard against me. I leaned in for another kiss and he met me halfway. This time I got to explore his mouth. I got to feel his teeth and lightly rub the roof of his mouth. I caressed his tongue slowly, savoring the warm feeling that was building in my chest. We pulled back and moved over to my bed. He sat me down and pushed me back so I was propped on my elbows. He knelt down and untied my shoes and removed them and my socks. He then reached for the buttons on my jeans and released them slowly before sliding them off, leaving me in a pair of boxer-briefs. He rubbed my thighs as he pulled my pants off me before standing and kicking off his shoes and socks and shucking his jeans as well.

Justin climbed on the bed and lay by my side. He had a beautiful body. I was hairier, but he was sculpted better. He reached out to me and we kissed some more. Neither of us were very dominant in this kiss, we lay side by side and kissed each other as equals. He kept running his hands over me, stroking me to the point of madness. I gladly returned the favor. I didn’t know how far he wanted to go. I didn’t know what he had in mind so I kept waiting for him to lead me. He eventually did. He reached down the front of my underwear --which was quite soaked with my pre-cum. He held me gently at first, exploring me from tip to stem, learning my length and texture as he lightly caressed me. His moving in on me allowed me to discover him. I slid my fingers into his underwear and found his as wet as mine. I felt the head of his cock with my fingertips. He was hot and so very, very hard. His head was huge and almost engorged to painful. He was very thick from the head to the base, not overly long, maybe six or seven inches, but nicely thick, unbelievably thick. I wanted to taste him, learn the flavor of his juices first hand, but Justin had the reins and I wasn’t going to rush him.

His hand stroked me slowly; building me up to what I knew would be an explosive climax. As he stroked me, I returned the favor. My hand rubbed the head in my palm and the fingers stroked him slowly. I gasped out my pleasure and I soon realized that Justin is a moaner. As he started climbing towards release, he gasped and moaned a lot. He also leaked more than I ever had, his pre-cum lubricating the path my hand took on his shaft. I watched his eyes closely as we pleasured each other. He would close his eyes before a really powerful moan and then snap them back to mine when I would gasp. I watched his face as my hand felt him thicken before he exploded. He grunted loudly before the first flood of release hit my hand. He pulsed five or six times in my hand before closing his eyes and rolling his head flat against the mattress. He didn’t stop his motions on me. Throughout his incredible release, he still stroked me. After feeling him cum in my hand, my release was quickly approaching. Ten more strokes and I came violently against his hand. He opened his eyes to watch my face while I came. When the spasms finally stopped, he still kept his hand down my underwear, stroking me every few moments or so. He kissed me slowly before he stood up and pulled me with him.

He led me to the shower where we continued to touch and nuzzle each other. It was then that I realized that Justin was a sensual lover. He moved his hands over me, brushing them over my body, teasing and building me up. I couldn’t help but think how much his girlfriends must appreciate him in bed. After the soaping and rinsing, kissing and touching, we were both ready to go again. He had been in control from the beginning, but this time, I wanted it. I turned off the water and grabbed a towel and dried him off just as sensuously as we had been touching before. Once dried, I led him back to the bedroom and pushed him onto the bed and covered his body with mine. I wrapped my arms around his back and held his chest to mine tightly. I pulled one of his legs up over mine and ground my cock against his while kissing him deeply. I moved my mouth to his jaw and neck, nuzzling with my cheek what I couldn’t reach with my lips.

I knew we were getting close to the end, so I pulled back and levered myself on my arms over him. He smiled at me, that great smile that lit his entire face and sparkled in his eyes. I slid enough away so I could roll him over onto his belly. I massaged his shoulders and kissed my way from his neck to his hips. I then laid out a full assault on his ass. I kissed and tasted each cheek before sliding my fingers into his crack. My fingertips, sensitized by the soft hair, they found his puckered hole. With each stroke Justin tensed a little at first. But after a couple of moments, he relaxed and started to moan. When he opened his thighs wide so I could have better access, I lowered my face to his opening and tasted him. I laved the surrounding skin, kissing lightly and letting my chin rub against his hole. I moved down, letting my nose nuzzle before using my tongue to lick where he was most sensitive. I expected Justin to be put off, but he moaned louder. I swirled my tongue around him until he started to open, lapping at him with swift, wet strokes. Once opened, I darted my tongue into him over and over while sucking lightly at his ring. He was gasping and moaning, writhing on the bed. After a few minutes, he begged me to stop; he was on edge and needed to trip. I rolled him over and swallowed him whole. He was so thick in my mouth that my jaw ached. I had moved so quickly I didn’t think I could get him out without him going soft. I bobbed up and down on him, my lips stretched so wide that the suction was getting stronger with each breath I forced through my nose. Thankfully he was close anyway. Maybe 30 seconds of bobbing made Justin explode in my mouth. He came with such force that his first spurts went straight down my throat. But the last few trickles landed on my tongue and I savored his flavor. He was slightly sweet and quite thick. His breathing slowed and his cock started to relax enough I could pull off him. He had his eyes closed and a silly grin on his face. But until he had cum and relaxed, I didn’t realize how close I was either. I lay next to Justin while he recovered and started to stroke my swollen cock. I moved slowly, enough to ease the ache without exploding right away. I closed my eyes so I could relive the last few minutes. A few strokes later, my hand was brushed away and Justin’s mouth replaced it. He was inexperienced and nicked me once or twice with his teeth, but it didn’t matter, it was still one of the greatest experiences of my life. He moved slowly, took me shallowly, but I was so eager already, I quickly came. I tried to warn him, but he continued to move on me. My last protest died with my explosion. I pulsed forever inside his warm mouth. He choked a little from the first wave and pulled away, allowing cum to land on my belly and hip.

He reached over the bed and grabbed a towel we had dropped earlier. He cleaned me up a little than pulled the comforter over the both of us as he lay down beside me. He wrapped an arm over me and laid his head on my chest. I had never snuggled before after sex. It had always been a quick cum then out the door. I stroked his back as we drifted off.

During the rest of that night, we would turn to each other from time to time. I would reach for him, or he would reach for me. We would stroke each other until we came or we would suck each other off. Once I lay fully on top of him and let the friction of our rubbing cocks as I thrust against him bring us to orgasm. It was great. Before the night was over, because I knew once we left the bed it wouldn’t happen again, I wanted him to fuck me. Just after the sun started to rise, I looked over at Justin and saw him lying there, looking at me. He smiled slowly at me. I reached out and stroked him until hard. I leaned over him and grabbed a condom out of my bedside table. I opened it and had a hard time as I rolled it over his thickness. I also grabbed some lube from my drawer and fingered myself to ease his way. He watched me the entire time, very intent on what I was doing. I threw my knee over him so I straddled his thighs. I looked into his eyes as I lowered to him and kissed him. I stroked my fingers through the light hair on his chest. I raised myself slightly and lowered myself so that he entered me a little. It was going to be a very tight fit he was so thick. I lowered myself in fits and starts till I was on him to the hilt. Justin looked at me and asked if I was okay. I nodded and smiled before moving on him. He was so thick inside me. I felt filled completely. I bounced on him for a few minutes before he grabbed me and flipped us over so he was in charge. He leaned down to me and kissed me before he started thrusting heavily. His hips started to piston into me quickly. The sensations were so strong I felt dizzy from it. He was hitting my prostate so quickly and hard that I knew it would be over soon. I was hoping to wait a little, but it was too late, I exploded against Justin’s belly, shooting great amounts of cum into the golden hair on his belly and chest. I don’t know whether he had been close before I came or seeing me lose it under him caused him to cum, but either way, he shuddered very hard while buried deep inside me, spurting repeatedly into the condom.

He pulled out of me gently before lying down beside me. He removed the condom and set it aside before looking over at me. He grinned at me. Then he reached over and grabbed my cock and stroked it until I was hard. I didn’t understand where he was headed until he grabbed another condom. He rolled it down my length before grabbing the lube and ministered to himself. He was following the steps I had taken, but instead of sitting on me, he pulled me on top of him and led my cock to his opening. He didn’t give himself any time to adjust, he just grabbed my hips and pulled me towards him while he thrust his hips against me and took me deep. I was not as thick as he was, but I wasn’t small either. I had a good two or three inches in length on him and was thicker than most, but he was scary in his width. I refused to move until he opened his eyes. He was breathing hard and was clamping me so very tightly. After a minute I leaned down and kissed him slowly while moving a hand down to stroke him again. I lifted from the kiss and he opened his eyes. When he was hard in my hand I pulled my hips out a little and thrust back again. I continued my short thrusts until he started moving with me. I removed my hand from his cock and braced my hands on either side of his head. I then began moving in long strokes that almost had me pulling out of him before going deep again. He was moaning under me, pushing against me, meeting me thrust for thrust. I wanted it to go on and on, but I knew it wouldn’t last. I stared into his eyes while I pumped my hips into him. He smiled again, that wonderful, face-lighting smile and I knew that I was in trouble. With my body swimming in erotic sensations and Justin grinning at me, I lost my heart and knew that five months of friendship and an incredible night led to this moment when I fell in love with Justin. My heart slowed and beat heavily with what I was feeling. I felt tears well in my eyes and I knew he’d see it. I wanted to hide my feelings from him and proceeded to move faster, wanting him to cum before I did. He didn’t disappoint me. He cried out with a very loud moan as he released against me. His clamping with each spasm of his orgasm brought me to the edge and I erupted deep inside him.

When the storm calmed, I lowered down to kiss him. I knew that the kiss was desperate, just like I had become, but I wanted to let him know in some small way how wonderful he was and how much this night had meant to me. I got up and headed for the shower. The invitation for him to join me was unspoken. He didn’t. He showered after I did. We grabbed some lunch and things went back to normal, at least on the surface.

Over the next few weeks I knew I needed to forget my feelings. He was curious, he was experimenting, and it didn’t mean anything. I felt awkward around him and I was a little afraid he would know how I felt about him. We still hung out and did all the things we had done before, but I felt different. That summer I concentrated on getting past my feelings and accepting Justin as my friend only. Before the summer we had agreed to be roommates again. By September I thought for sure that I was over him. I believed it until I saw him again. It was no use; I was in love, the kind of love that doesn’t go away because you will it to. Over the next few months, I kept myself as busy as possible. I was still Justin’s friend; I just didn’t spend as much time with him.

After Spring Break, Justin informed me he and his girlfriend were getting married in October. He asked me to be his best man. He was moving to Seattle after he graduated, he had a great job lined up. I was moving home to Portland. I agreed to come up for the wedding and stand up with him on the big day. I showed up a few days before the wedding to do my duty as best man. Every time I am away from Justin I can lie to myself and say that I don’t love him, but the moment I hear his voice or see him again, I know that I am lying. I stood right beside him as he spoke his vows. I threw rice as they ran off to leave for their honeymoon. I got a postcard from Hawaii and I decided to get drunk, stinking blind drunk that lasted for three days. When I sobered up, I knew that I needed to cut myself off. I wouldn’t deny his calls, but I wouldn’t call him. I called it survival, but it was really denial.