Fay Flowers

My name is Fiorenza. It's Italian and it means flower. Momma loves flowers. Every summer, daisies bloom in the field behind our home. When I was little, I'd run through the field pretending I was in one of those laundry detergent commercials on TV. You know, in a flowing dress with daisies all around? I'd pick a bunch for Momma and she'd smile and say, "Renza, are those for me?" She always calls me Renza. I hate Renza.

Right now Momma's on the couch, passed out, drunk on Southern Comfort. Dwayne, her asshole husband, hasn't bothered me in two days. That's 'cause he's not here. He took off to Wichita looking for a job. He's a sloppy son-of-a-bitch. Butt ugly. Always spitting tobacco and wearing white t-shirts stained with God knows what. And those jeans of his never fit him right. He belts them under his big gut and they hang off his flat ass. He doesn't look anything like my daddy did. My daddy had thick dark hair and nice teeth, like Tom Cruise. He fought in Vietnam. Died there, too. Momma's got a picture of him on the mantel. Sometimes Dwayne tries to make her put it away, but she tells him to fuck off.

When Dwayne gets back, he'll try to put his hands on my tits. I push him off when he does it. I don't want him. Once he caught me smoking pot, and I thought he'd bust me out to my momma, but he didn't. He just asked if he could smoke it with me. He's such a dick.

It's the fall of 1984. The field is bare now. No daisies - just a bunch of weeds and dying grass. I sit here, staring at it, smoking a joint with my back against the garage. The sky's a sheet of gray and cold air whips through my body. I wish I had my sweater, but I'm too lazy to go in and get it.

Yesterday, I turned 19. My granny sent me 500 dollars. I'm the happiest girl around, 'cause I'm gonna use the money to get the hell out of here.

Where? L.A., that's where. All the beautiful people are in L.A. You see there's nothing here for me in Kansas.

***

I'm sitting at the Greyhound bus terminal waiting to catch a ride to L.A.

What happened was, Dwayne, back from Wichita, sat next to me, as I was sitting behind the garage, and asked if he could smoke my pot with me. Sometimes I get sick of him asking, so I let him. He told me that he got a lead in Wichita. That's all Dwayne says lately, "I got a lead." He put his hands in my hair, and I pushed him off and told him to go to his wife. Then all of a sudden Momma was standing there and she immediately accused me of trying to get with her husband. I couldn't believe it. I mean, that's bullshit!

She screamed, "I want you out of here!"

And I screamed, "No problem! I'll be gone in the morning!"

So here I am, off to L.A. Actually, we have to make a bunch of stops in Kansas, Colorado, Utah, and Nevada. But eventually, we'll get there.

The terminal is so depressing. The walls are a dirty orange and the seats are an ugly blue. It smells like piss in here, too. There aren't many people. Some guy sitting across from me, reading a magazine, keeps looking up and staring at me. He's got this sly grin on his face. I bet he wants to fuck me. God, he must be about 70.

There's a family a few rows across, a mother, a father and a little boy. The mom's screaming at the kid, telling him to sit still. Shit, that child is probably only four or five years old. How in the hell can she expect him to sit still? I've never understood that.

There's this girl, leaning against a wall. She's looking at me. Now she's coming my way. I wonder what she wants.

"Hey, you got a match?" she asks.

"Yeah, I got a lighter. Hold on."

I dig into my purse, looking for the lighter. She's staring at the purse. I've got over 400 dollars left and there's no way she's stealing it. "Here," I light her cigarette. She's got black hair like Joan Jett and she's wearing a black leather jacket. She looks tough, but her eyes don't. They're like, really big and brown.

"Thanks," she says, taking a seat next to me. "I'm Randi. Who are you?"

"Fiorenza."

"Fiorenza? Mmm...interesting. So Ren, where you headed?"

I hated Renza and I definitely hated Ren. I take a cigarette out of my purse and light it. "I'm off to L.A."

"No shit! So am I. I live there. Where ya gonna go?"

I really don't have a clue. But it would feel strange telling her that. "I'm visiting my aunt," I say.

She looks at me like she knows I'm lying. A woman gets on the intercom to let everyone know that the bus to L.A. is boarding.

"Hey! That's us," Randi says.

We finish our cigarettes and walk toward the bus. We each have one bag, but I'm also carrying my purse with all my money in it. When we board the bus, I find a seat close to the front. Putting my bag in the overhead, I notice that Randi's right behind me. She puts her bag in the same overhead and sits down next to me.

She looks into my eyes and puts her hand on my knee. "You know, you're very pretty, Ren. You'll need me to protect you. Lots of assholes ride the bus."

The way Randi put her hand on my knee and the way she looked at me, I wonder if she's like, into me. I can handle myself. It's not like I need her to protect me. But it's cool having her around, I guess.

"Your aunt live in L.A. or somewhere else?" she asks.

She was looking at me in that way that looks like she knows I'm lying. Fuck! I'm just gonna tell her. "I don't have an aunt in L.A.! I'm just going out there to live, okay?"

"Calm down, Ren!" she says, smiling. "You and I are gonna stick together. I know people in L.A. Important people. You'll be all right."

I wish I could talk to her about what she means by "important people," but now her eyes are closed and she looks like she wants to sleep.

I guess I'll just have to wait.

***

We're in California. We've stopped in Barstow and we'll be in L.A. next. I've seen so many different sights. I guess I love the mountains the best. But this bus ride has been so totally fucked. It's jam packed and you have to push past a bunch of jerks to get to the bathroom. It reeks in there, too. I hate that smell. The last time I went, the person that was in there before me didn't even flush the toilet. I almost gagged. There was some soap so that I could wash my hands, at least.

Randi is standing next to the bus having a smoke, but I don't feel like getting out of my seat to join her. I got a good look at her when she was sleeping. She dyes her hair black, 'cause I could see some blond roots. Sometimes her head would fall on my shoulder when she slept. I didn't push her off.

I told her about Momma and Dwayne and why I left and all. She told me she's been living in L.A. since she was 15, and the only reason she came home to Kansas was because her momma died. When she talked about her momma it kinda made me sad because I thought about my own momma. She's probably worried about me. I'll call her when I get to L.A. But I'm not going back to Kansas. No way.

Randi's getting on the bus. I tried to get her to tell me who she knows in L.A., but she just told me to stop spazzing about it. "We should be there soon," she says. "How you doin'?"

I'm gonna ask her again. I don't care if she gets annoyed. "Why won't you tell me about the people you know?"

"Give a rest, Ren. Damn!"

She's staring at me and I'm staring at her.

"Okay...you're going to meet a guy named Doug," she says. "He's a good friend. He's got an apartment and he lets me stay there. So, we'll crash at his place. You'll like him."

"How do you know he'll be okay with me staying there?"

"'Cause, Ren, he's cool like that."

***

There's so many folks in L.A. that I'm like a little ant running around in a colony. And it's not just white people like back home in Kansas. I've seen blacks, Mexicans, and Chinese people here, too.

The first thing Randi did was take me to this burger place where she knows the owner. He gave us our meals for free.

Then we took a cab to the Hollywood Hills. There's lots of rich people there. We're at this guy Lawrence's house. He's older than me and Randi, but I figure he's one of Randi's important friends because I've never been in a house this big before. He's got this bitchin' pool in his backyard and all of his furniture looks like the kind you see in magazines.

Lawrence has a bowl of coke on his counter. I've only tried coke once, but I liked it. He offered me a couple of lines and now I'm flyin'. He keeps looking at me, you know, like he's sizing me up? And twice now Randi's been whispering to him so that I can't hear what she's saying. I don't know what she's up to, but I'm too high right now to care.

"Well, we should be getting to Doug's," she says to Lawrence. "It was nice meeting you, Fiorenza," Lawrence says.

"Same here," I say.

I told him my name was Fiorenza and even though Randi calls me Ren, he didn't. I think that's cool. I've always liked my name because it's different than everyone else's. But people are always changing it to fit their needs.

"That was some good coke, huh?" Randi asks me as we walk outside.

"Yeah, I got a good buzz."

"Me too. Lawrence only has the best.

***

Doug lives in a little apartment, but it has two bedrooms, one for him and one for Randi. He's not home. Randi says he's still at his job.

"Do you mind if I take a shower?" I ask.

"No," Randi says. "There's towels in that closet over there."

I haven't showered in two days and I feel gross. My clothes are sticking to me, especially my underwear. It feels good to get out of them.

I turn on the hot water and get the shower going. It feels nice on my skin. I let it fall on my hair and face.

I'd pulled the shower curtain only half way and out of the corner of my eye I can see Randi, staring at me.

I turn the water off and grab my towel, putting it in front of me.

"What do you want?" I ask.

"Nothin," Randi says, "I'm just standing here."

I don't know, maybe because I'm still high and maybe because I kinda like Randi, but I wanna drop this towel. So I do.

We're smiling at each other and now Randi's taking off her clothes. She looks pretty with them off. Not so tough. Her tits are tiny and she's got a lot of blond hair on her pussy.

She's coming towards me so that she can get in the shower with me. I've never been with a chick before.

Pulling the shower curtain all the way, she turns the water back on. It's falling down on us as she puts her hands in my hair and pulls me close so that my body is touching hers. Her brown eyes draw me in.

"Let me kiss you," she says and she does, real slow. She has such a soft mouth and there isn't any facial hair like there is with boys. It's nice.

She stops kissing me and puts her hands on my breasts. The water is splashing on my back as she pinches my nipples. My friend Katy told me she was glad her tits weren't big because big tits don't have any feeling. Bullshit! Mine have lots of feeling and they've triggered my pussy because I'm really starting to get hot. I close my eyes and Randi starts kissing my neck.

Then she puts her lips on my breast and starts to suck it. I watch her do it. She's totally into it, like she's trying to stuff the whole thing in her mouth. My pussy is on fire. It seems like she knows that because her hand is between my legs and now she's jamming her fingers inside of me. God, I'm so wet! I just want her to keep sucking my tit and fucking me like this forever. I grab her head as my body shakes in orgasm.

She looks at me. "Did you come, baby?" she asks.

"Fuck, yeah!" I say. I stare at her pussy. The hairs are wet from the shower water. I just want to explore it. I want to know what she tastes like.

I take the shower nozzle and pull it to the side so the water doesn't drown me as I push her against the wall and get down on my knees. Kneeling on the bottom of the tub isn't very comfortable, but I don't care. She opens her legs. I take my fingers and move her pussy hair off of her clit so I can lick it. It smells kind of musty, but in a good way. She's sliding her ass against the wall, with her legs spread even wider and she's moaning. All of a sudden I start lapping at her like a thirsty dog. It's like I can't get enough of her. "Ah...that's it!" she screams. I feel her clit move against my tongue.

We turn off the water, get out of the shower, and dry each other off, laughing like two little girls. With towels around us we leave the bathroom to go get dressed. Doug's in the living room.

"Hey, I thought you were in there with someone," he says to Randi. "Who is this?"

"This is Ren, the girl I told you about."

"Hi, Ren. I'm Doug."

Randi must have called him sometime before we got here, but I don't ever remember seeing her on a phone. They're smiling at each other. It's obvious me and Randi were fucking and I feel stupid standing here in my towel.

"Thanks for letting me stay here," I say. "I'm gonna look for a job tomorrow so that I can save for an apartment."

"It's no rush," Doug says. "Two beautiful girls in my place is pretty rad."

"Yeah, Ren, settle the fuck down," Randi says. "I'm gonna take you back to Lawrence's tomorrow."

"Why?" I ask.

"You need a job, right?"

"Yeah."

"Okay then, tomorrow." We go into Randi's bedroom and close the door. I want to know what type of job Randi is talking about, but I'm just gonna let it go. We pull our stuff out of our bags and get dressed.

"So where should I sleep?" I ask. "The couch?"

"Do you really want to sleep on the couch? Doug's crazy friends appear all hours of the night."

"You ladies wanna smoke a joint?" Doug yells from outside the door.

Randi gives me a kiss on my lips. "You don't want to sleep out there, do you?"

She looks nice and fresh from the shower. I really like her even though she won't tell me everything when I want her to.

"No," I say, "I don't want to sleep on the couch. I want to sleep with you."

We kiss each other again and then we go out to the living room to smoke with Doug.

***

It's the middle of the night, and I'm lying next to Randi, staring at the glowing numbers of her alarm clock. It's 3:23 a.m. and I can't sleep. The conversation I had with my momma is still fuckin' with me.

Me, Randi, and Doug were watching TV. We'd smoked a couple of joints and ordered Chinese. I was getting bored with the tube, so I asked Doug if I could make a long distance call to my momma.

Dwayne answered. He started grilling me, giving me this really big hassle for running away. I could hear Momma in the background, screaming at him to give her the phone. He finally did.

At first, she was like all happy to hear from me. I almost cried. But then she started yelling at me, asking me where I was, telling me that all I ever do is cause problems for her and Dwayne. She screamed at me to come home and I told her no way. So then she told me not to call her anymore. I slammed the phone down.

Now I wonder if I'll ever see my momma again.

Randi snores a little when she sleeps. She tries to be so bossy and tough, yet her skin is real soft. We made love again. After I hung up on Momma, I tried to watch TV some more with Randi and Doug, but all I wanted to do was cry. I didn't want them to see me do that, so I went into Randi's bedroom and closed the door. I wasn't in here for more than two minutes before she walked in.

I was curled up in a ball in the middle of the bed, and she climbed next to me and lay behind with her arms around my waist.

"It's gonna be okay," she said, "I'm here for you." Her saying that made me cry even more. It's like I felt safe to just let go. But soon I calmed down and rolled over to face her. We kissed each other. Then Randi pushed me on my back, climbed on top of me and crawled down my body until she was at my pussy. She's got this really long tongue. I tried to stifle my moans, but I couldn't. I just lost it. I'm sure Doug heard me.

***

"Try not to look like such a bitch," Randi says. "You're a pretty girl."

"How am I supposed to look when I don't even know what I'm doing here?"

We're standing at Lawrence's front door waiting for him to answer. He opens it.

"Hello Randi, Fiorenza. Come on in," he says.

Lawrence takes me through a bunch of rooms to a big one in the back. Randi's gone. I don't know where she went. The only other person in there besides me and Lawrence is this fat guy sitting in a leather chair. He's wearing a brightly colored Hawaiian shirt with palm trees all over it. Totally cheesy. Lawrence closes the door.

"Have a seat, Fiorenza," Lawrence says. "This is Bill Watson."

I sit across from him on a matching leather couch.

"Hi, Bill."

"Call me Billy." He stares at me hard, like he's inspecting some meat in a store or something. "You've got a nice, fresh look about you. Stand up again for me."

I don't know why he wants me to, but I do it.

"Very nice. Lawrence and I are working on a movie and we'd love for you to be the star."

"What...me?"

"Yes. You have the look we want," Lawrence says.

"Well...what's it about? What would I do?"

"Don't worry about that now. We'll explain everything later," Billy says. He looks at Lawrence. "I don't like the name. It's too confusing. What about Fay?"

They're saying all this without even looking at me. Fay's not my name.

"Fay what?" Lawrence says. "We need a last name." This time they look at me. I'm thinking about my momma again and how I used to run through the daisies when I was little. I'm trying not to cry.

"Flowers," I say. It just kinda came out.

"Yeah, Fay Flowers," Billy says, "I like that."

"But there's just one other thing, Fiorenza, we need to see your body, so please remove your clothes," Lawrence says.

Remove my clothes? What the fuck is this?

"It'll take us one day to shoot the movie and we'll pay you a thousand dollars," Billy says.

A thousand dollars is a lot of money, but I'm not doing any porno shit. Who do they think I am, some whore?

"No thanks!" I say. I run out of the room, past Lawrence and Billy, out of the house, and down the street to a bus stop. One comes, and I ride back to Doug's. Thank God I have a key.

I'm gonna kill Randi.

***

I'm sitting on Randi's bed. Doug's at work. She comes home and walks in.

"Hey! How'd it go?" she asks.

"Why did you leave me?"

"So you could be alone with Lawrence. When do you start?"

"Why didn't you tell me Lawrence and that creepy guy Billy were porn people?"

"Oh, come on. Get over it. You're gonna make a lot of money, right?"

"This is bogus, Randi. I don't want any part of it. You fucking used me. How much are they paying you to use people?"

"Look, I did you a favor. If you wanna haul your ass out there and try to make it on your own - good luck." She leaves the bedroom and goes into the living room.

"I'll take my chances!" I shout.

Grabbing my stuff, I throw it in a bag. I run past Randi, open the front door, and leave.

I never want to see her again.

***

It's been about three months since I walked out on Randi, and I'm staying in a motel located between an adult bookstore and a convenience shop. The owner of the motel is this lady named Dolores. I pay her 70 dollars a week.

I haven't seen any bugs in my room, but I sleep on top of the bedspread, because the sheets don't smell good, and the bottom of the bathtub is practically black. It's so gross that I wear flip flops when I take a shower.

There's always a few guys hanging outside of the motel, trying to talk to me whenever I leave. About a week ago I was dying for some pot, so I bought some from one of them. Now the jerk won't leave me alone. There's no way I'm going out with some loser who won't get a job.

I'm working at McDonald's. When I started I was supposed to sweep, clean out the trash cans, stuff like that. That's what people do in the beginning. But Scott, the manager, thinks I'm the prettiest girl there, so he put me behind the register right away. That pissed off some of the other girls, but I didn't care. I don't like cleaning out trash cans and shit.