Final Breath

Jackson shielded himself against the strengthening wind as the flame from his lighter leaped up to set fire to his cigarette. He took a long slow drag and exhaled a set of perfect smoke rings. I shifted nervously back and forth, my hands jammed deep into my pockets.

He set his eyes on mine. "You know, pretty boy, she's going to do it tonight."

"Do what?"

He laughed silently and shook his head. "What the hell, pretty boy? I thought you were supposed to be this real smart guy. You really don't have a clue, do you?"

"No, I don't. And I resent the tone your using..."

Jackson impatiently waived my complaint away with his hand, his lit cigarette flashing upwards in a small arc of orange light. He shook his head and chuckled again. "Erin's probably going to kill me if she finds out I'm telling you this, but yeah, I think she's going to tell you tonight."

"Tell me what?!"

"That she's in love with you!"

I let that statement sink in for a minute. All this time, with my attraction to her growing... and not once did I entertain the possibility that she felt the same way about me. Was I really that blind?

"How do you know this?" I asked.

He shrugged. "Just a feeling I have. It's not like that's something she'd announce to the world, you know?"

"But you and the others, you're all friends with her. Surely she'd tell someone."

"Maybe Scarlett and Mel, but not the guys. And especially not me. Anyway, it doesn't matter how I know what I know. That's not why I brought you out here."

"Then why did you?"

He moved closer to me until the smell of the smoke nearly overwhelmed my nostrils, and he focused his intense gaze on me. "I can't and won't tell you what to do. If you don't want to be with Erin, let her down gently. If you do want to be with her, then treat her like the goddess she is. But I'm warning you... don't hurt her."

"Dude... is that a threat?"

"No. It's a promise."

"I think you'd better back off, Jackson."

"I think you'd better watch what you say to me with your smartass mouth, pretty boy!"

I was sick of the attitude, the condescension in his voice, everything about him. I snapped. I got right up in his face and yelled "And what if I don't, huh?! Just what the fuck do you think you're going to do about it?!"

It happened in a flash.

One second I was standing upright, the next thing I knew Jackson had tossed me over his hip and flipped me over like a ragdoll. For the second time that Halloween day, I landed hard on my back with a crashing thump. I looked up at the night sky, trying to re-focus my vision, not quite able to speak or breathe just yet.

To his credit, Jackson's anger seemed to have flowed out of him. He reached down with a hand to help me up, and I stretched and dusted myself off before the pain could really set itself in. He sensed the look of confusion on my face and simply said, "Brown belt in judo."

"Impressive," I gasped out in reply.

"I needed to find some way to defend myself against bullies. Martial arts seemed the way to go."

"Well, for some reason I seem to be the target of everyone's aggression today."

"What do you mean?"

I related to Jackson how earlier today Billy had tried to tackle me into next week. He just shook his head and uttered another of his favourite insults. "Fucking Neanderthal." He then cast a glance my way and continued, "Unlike what just happened, that time clearly you were not at fault."

I gave him a strange look and he just kept staring back at me. Then we both broke up into fits of laughter. Of all the things to change the nature of this relationship, I later thought to myself.

I finally started to feel like myself again. I was sore as hell but thankful to survive two hard impacts fully intact, relatively speaking. I was ready to more calmly respond to Jackson's earlier statements.

"Look, Jackson, I'm no saint, but I have no intention of hurting Erin. I've known her for a long time and I think we have a special relationship. I won't lie, I've daydreamed about what it might be like to be more than friends with her, but I honestly had no idea she'd be interested in that, so I never made a move. And now you're telling me you think she's going to be the one to make a move on me tonight. This is a lot to take in all at once, you know?"

He nodded, stared off in the distance for a moment, took a final, long drag from his smoke and dropped the butt to the ground, crushing it under his boot heel. When he responded, he inadvertently threw me for a loop by calling me by my proper name for the first time ever.

"I'm sorry, Garrett. I haven't been friendly towards you, and I probably come off like a real jerk. I was too proud to tell you the truth that I've known for a while. You're a stand-up guy. I know you're not like some of those other Neanderthals on your football team, and I feel pretty confident you'll treat Erin right. I guess I'm just... hell, I don't know..."

"I appreciate you telling me that, Jackson. And I get it. You're her friend and you don't want to see her get hurt."

"It's more than that. I'm... shit man, I'm jealous of you."

"Really? Why?"

I thought I saw his eyes tear up, though it was now so dark I couldn't really tell, but the wavering quality of his voice was unmistakeable. "I love her, man. Like, I'm deeply, madly, crazily in love with her."

"Oh! Shit!" I exclaimed. I did not expect him to say that. "Hey, I'll back off if I need to. I don't want to steal her away from you. I'm not going to be that guy..."

"No. Don't turn her down just because of me. Hell, don't even let me enter into your thought process. It's not like that with her and me at all. I swear."

"Oh. OK. So you... you and her never..." I stammered as I tried to ask the question that just kept getting lodged in my throat.

"No. I asked her out the day after her 18th birthday, and she turned me down. I never told her this, but it was the worst day I've ever experienced in my almost 19 years on this godforsaken planet. She just wants to be friends with me. It's better than not having her in my life at all, but to be so close to her yet have my love for her go unrequited, do you know what kind of special hell that is?"

I just shook my head no. I had no idea how to respond to that.

"Garrett, I'm not telling you this to weird you out or anything. I understand my place with Erin. I know that she and I can never be. It hurts like hell, but I'll deal with it. I will be her friend and support and help her when she needs it, but otherwise I won't interfere in her personal life, and if you two become a couple I won't screw it up for you. I just want you to understand how important she is to me. So if you do hurt her..."

"You'll judo toss the shit out of me, right?"

A smile curled from his lips. "Right, and don't you forget it!"

We shared another laugh over that. Jackson was a complex guy but I think I was finally starting to understand him.

We both turned our heads at the same time at a sound from the house. The door opened and everyone that was inside, except for Erin, came out.

"Party's moving to my place," announced Scarlett. Then she turned her attention to me and gave me a love tap to the shoulder. "But not for you, big boy. Erin wants to talk to you first."

I swallowed hard as butterflies suddenly flew in formation in my gut. I saw the knowing, sad-eyed grin on Jackson's face. I thought he was going to warn me again, but instead he gave me a pat on the back and simply said, "Good luck."

Then he turned away and departed with everybody else.

As for me, I needed to take a few deep breaths to settle my racing heart.

**********

I found Erin sitting on the couch. Her head rested in her hands, and her elbows rested on her knees. Not for the first time, I thought she looked like a lost little girl, which, in some respects, I supposed she still was. She did give me one of her small crooked smiles as I sat next to her, so she wasn't completely lost in her little world. But she did look like she had something on her mind and was very unsure of how to proceed.

"Party break up early?" I asked.

She shrugged, trying to act all nonchalant and not quite succeeding. "They all wanted to go to Scarlett's house."

"But not you?"

"I didn't feel like going. I just wanted to stay here with you. That's OK, right?"

"Of course it is."

She scooted a little closer to me, held on to my hand and leaned her head on my shoulder. It felt nice. I was taking the approach that, whatever it was she was going to say or do, it was her that had to initiate it or else everything might be ruined. I also steeled myself to the possibility that what Erin needed to say wasn't exactly what Jackson, or anyone else, thought it would be. So I tried to wait patiently for the seemingly deafening silence to end, and for her to screw up the courage to begin.

"Garrett?" Her voice was so soft and delicate.

"Yes, Erin?" Well, here goes nothing, I thought.

"I have something I need to tell you."

"OK."

"I don't know how to say it though."

"Just start from the beginning. You don't have to worry, you can tell me anything. We're friends, remember?"

"I don't know if I can this time, Garrett. I'm afraid."

"It's OK, Erin. Really. Don't be afraid. Whatever it is, we'll get through it together."

Another brief silence ensued.

"Garrett?"

"Yeah?"

"Maybe if I... show you?"

I leaned back to look at her better, and I raised one eyebrow in silent question. She returned her look to me but her blank expression did not change.

If I wasn't nervous before, I sure as hell was now.

She got up and flipped through some CDs before selecting one and loading it into the stereo system. She then turned to face me and take a couple of deep breaths to settle her growing nerves.

"This is going to sound weird..." she started.

"I should be used to that around you, though. Shouldn't I?" I retorted, hoping to keep the mood as light and fun as possible under the circumstances.

Again, that smallest hint of a smile, a look I had seen on her face quite a few times. "I guess so." She lowered her head and extended a small, delicate hand before speaking again. "But... uh, I was hoping... do you want to... um, slow-dance with me?"

Now I was intrigued. This was an unusual request from Erin. "Really? Slow-dance?"

"Yeah. I'm serious about this. Deadly serious, even."

"Since it's Halloween and all, right?"

"Yeah."

"Hmmm. OK. Sure. I'd love to."

I took her hand and we moved to the centre of the room. She pressed play on the stereo remote control, tossed it on an empty chair, and immediately melted into my arms.

I had known for some time that Erin had very different and interesting tastes in music. Most of the time, I ended up liking her musical choices a lot. This instance was no different. The song rumbling through the speakers did have a slow tempo, but otherwise it sounded completely unlike any slow song I ever heard before.

The squalling, strangely-tuned guitars were gloomy, doom-filled, unrelenting. The bass and drums pounded a line that would have been in time with a lumbering Frankenstein. The vocals were buried so far under the sonic assault that I had a hard time deciphering them. The song was a crawling, slithering beast; it sounded like the ballad from Hell.

It was the perfect slow-dance song for a Halloween night. And I loved it.

What I loved more was Erin's tight, petite frame pressed into mine. She kept her head buried into my shoulder and she had a tight grip around my waist. Even through our clothing, I could feel her nipples harden and dig into my chest. I could also feel her body vibrating against me just a little bit. It gave me a sense of how nervous she must have been. In her own unique way, she was putting her heart on the line for me and I'm pretty sure she had no idea how I'd respond.

She was an intoxicating combination of anxiety and arousal. Part of me loved the feeling of power that reared up inside me as a result of holding this vulnerable creature in my arms. I had to keep that in check, however, for fear of completely ruining everything. It felt like something momentous was going to happen tonight and I needed to quickly search my heart to confirm my feelings and be sure what I would do when that moment came.

The song came to an end, but Erin didn't let go. She looked up at me with her huge, expressive eyes, and I saw that her cheeks were tear-stained. "Well?" she asked.

"Never heard that song before. It was really good."

There was just a hint of exasperation and quiet desperation in her reply. "That's not what I meant. It's a... love song."

Whew. OK. So it really was happening...

"Oh. Sorry," I apologized. "I couldn't really make out the words, it was kind of hard to understand what he was saying."

She thought for a moment before retreating to her bedroom. She came out holding a folded piece of paper and handed it to me. I took the paper, unfolded it and read the words on it in her own familiar handwriting.

Final Breath

My love is like a red, red rose

That's newly sprung in June

My love is like the melody

That's sweetly played in tune

So fair are you my dear

So deep in love am I

And I will love thee still, my dear

'til all the seas run dry

Until the rocks melt with the sun

And I will love thee still my dear

While the sands of life shall run

And I will come again my love

Though it were ten thousand miles

'til the seas run dry...

I was struck with the intensity and familiarity of these words. "These words, are they not based on..."

"... a poem by Robert Burns that we learned in last year's English class?" she finished my thought for me. "Yes, yes they are."

The moment of truth was at hand. I set the page on an end table, took a deep breath and looked at Erin. Her hands were clasped behind her back and her head was bowed low, making her look like she was throwing herself at the mercy of a judge, pleading for leniency.

"You played this song for me, and showed me the words... Erin, this is how you wanted to show me what you wanted to say to me, right?"

She nodded, keeping her head bowed down.

"Erin, look at me."

Slowly, she did as I asked.

"I want to hear you say it. Please?"

Her eyes met mine as I said that last word. I was hoping she could see the sincerity in my face and draw some strength from that.

"Garrett?"

"Yes, Erin?"

"I love you."

Finally, it was out in the open, without a shadow of a doubt. But before I could respond, she spoke again, the words tumbling out of her mouth in a passionate whirlwind.

"Oh my god, you don't know how long I've wanted to tell you this! I've known you were the love of my life since we were kids! When I moved away with my family it was the worst day of my life! I thought I'd never see you again. But then we moved back and I thought maybe I'd have a second chance, and I... I... my god Garrett, I love you so much!! Please feel the same way... if you don't, I don't know what I'll do... I would be just..."

The rest of her thoughts remained unsaid as she buried her head in her hands and sobbed. I had to think quickly. How sure was I that I wanted what I did? Was I just seeing an opportunity to take advantage of Erin with her crying and defenceless right in front of me, or did I REALLY want what my heart insisted I did with pure and noble intentions?

Then I smiled, and a sense of calm descended on me. I knew what I had to do.

I gently held Erin by the wrists and slowly pulled her arms down to her sides. I removed her veil, put my finger under her chin and softly lifted her head up so she could look at me. Her doe-like eyes were brimming with tears, but there was a tinge of hope in them that wasn't there before. It hit me once again just how beautiful she was. She was a real woman, very sexy and very desirable.

And very much mine.

I leaned down to kiss Erin for the first time. It was a soft kiss; our lips barely brushed against each other's, but it said so much. Our foreheads were touching as I smiled at her and caressed her cheek with my fingertips. I moved my hand to hold the back of her head to draw her in to me for another kiss.

Magic.

It started just as soft as the first. It grew in desire, but not wildly so. We were still experimenting, exploring the feel and taste of each other. It was still easily the best kiss of my life.

We broke for air. The look on Erin's face was priceless. She was breathing heavily and grinning in warmth and excitement. If she felt anything like I did then her heart was also pounding a mile a minute.

She initiated the next kiss. I felt her lower body tense up slightly as she reached on her tiptoes to put her lips on mine. Those lips were lush and soft, and her scent was pure and sweet and all woman. I could feel my manhood respond to our intimate actions.

Erin grew bolder after my response to her expression of love for me. She gently yet confidently pushed me backwards until my legs touched the couch. I sat down and she immediately straddled me. She held my face in her hands and I let my arms rest where they were comfortable, on her firm little butt.

"I didn't hear you say it yet," Erin murmured, which momentarily brushed aside my thoughts about her butt or any other part of her anatomy.

"Pardon me?"

"I said, I didn't hear you say it yet." This time I picked up her meaning. Despite the mild reproach she did not look unhappy. Far from it, in fact.

"That I love you? Because I do, you know. I love you, Erin."

Her face lit up in happiness. God, she looked so beautiful, smiling like that. It was a sight I hadn't seen nearly enough since she came back in my life.

We kissed again. Her hands traveled down from my face to rest on my chest, while my hands were filled with her rear end; my touching and groping it caused Erin to moan softly in appreciation. Her lips parted and she hesitatingly stuck out her tongue. I gratefully met it with my own.

Erin and I spent the next several minutes like this. Kissing, duelling tongues, tasting each other, hands softly touching and caressing each other. Soft sighs, moans of happiness, panting, heavy breaths, sounds of lips smacking on lips. Heat and arousal radiating from our bodies. Full of tenderness and passion. It felt right, sweet, natural.

She slipped her hands under my shirt and ran them over my bare chest. The touch was electric; I felt my erection grow harder and longer in response. She took hold of the bottom of my shirt and pulled up. I raised my arms to make it easier for her to remove it. She pulled the garment over my head and tossed it behind her. A soft sigh escaped her lips, and her fingers softly brushed my chest and abs.

"I may not like football," she whispered into my ear, "but I love what it's done to your body."

I was certain my face was bright red from blushing. "Thank you," I answered.

She pressed her hands a little harder into my sides. Unfortunately one of them pressed right into the spot where Billy hit me in practice. Even though her touch was gentle, it just hit the absolute wrong place, and I winced in pain. Concerned, she looked at my ribcage and surely saw the bruising there. She gasped loudly.

"My god! You poor thing. What happened?"

"Football practice this morning. Billy stepped out of line and tried to act like a tough guy. Hit me helmet first right here."

"Fucking bastard," she spat out.

"Yeah. I'm fine though."

Erin tenderly kissed my bruise. It was a special sign of how much she loved me and was concerned for me. I'll never forget that she did that for me for as long as I live.

"You sure you're OK?" she asked.

"Yes. Just don't kick me there and I'll be OK."

That made her smile, but there was sadness in her eyes. I think she was reflecting on how cruel some people could be for no good reason and the general unfairness of life. Or maybe that was just me projecting.