Finding Home Ch. 03

On her desktop was a new icon. It was a short cut to a text document much like her journal. It had not title beyond 'daily assignment' and the date. Inside the Professor had written for her to write down as much as she could remember about her early childhood; where she lived, who was there, what kinds of food or activities she remembered, all good and bad memories she could come up with, if anyone had disciplined her and in what form and for what reasons.

Cassy felt overwhelmed with this assignment. She did not remember her early childhood. She closed the application, telling herself she needed to think about it some before starting.

She opened her journal and wrote about having an orgasm first thing early in the morning and then disassociating immediately afterward. She wrote about her insight about feeling like she was avoiding orgasms but not knowing why. She decided to wait to write about the beating scene until she could watch the video.

It was 9:30 am. Cassy wondered if she could bring a drink up to her room. There was nothing in the rules against it. She wandered down to the kitchen. Mia was mixing a big mass of hamburger in a large stainless bowl. "Hello Cassy."

"Hello Miss Mia. What are you making?"

"Meat loaf dear. Hot meat loaf sandwiches for lunch, with mashed potatoes and gravy."

"It sounds wonderful but I don't know how I can eat another bite. You guys seem to think I have a hollow leg."

"Cassy, if you were any thinner I would think you were in here for an eating disorder. Don't go all whiny, 'I am too full' on us. We are not expecting you to eat more than your system can handle. The lesson you need to learn is that if your body is not giving you the correct signals as to when to eat you have to apply your intellect to the problem."

"Yes Miss Mia. Is it OK for me to take something to drink up to my room while I work on something."

"Of course. Look in the refrigerator. I would help you but I am up to my elbows in meatloaf at the moment." Cassy found herself a diet Coke and headed back up to her room. She left Mia sputtering, "You are certainly being a brat. Choosing a diet drink after that long lecture. I would come after you and spank you if I wasn't trapped here."

Cassy smiled a big ear to ear grin and called back over her shoulder, "I have to save room for lunch."

She had to reapply the ointment when she got back to her room. She struggled with a sense that she was descending into a nightmare of sexual tension. She could confront her demon of orgasm or she could keep tormenting herself. She decided to continue as the Professor had initially prompted her... "neither pursue or avoid." She did not orgasm but felt surprisingly angry about having to put this cream on her cunt afterwards.

The video file had an entry for this morning. She clicked on it and watched as she pretended to suffer and protest as she was beaten. Initially she felt like giggling at the way she was over dramatizing but soon it began to have a sense of realism that pulled her in. She found the contrast of the Professor's cruel words and tones with the gentle almost loving expression of his face incredibly erotic. She found she was wishing that somehow the show had ended differently, that she had been brave enough to have him take her. Wondering what it would have been like to have him fuck her with rough words and gentle hands. A long shudder of need shook her.

At 10:30 she carefully changed out of her uniform and donned her heavy terry cloth robe. She sat in front of her computer and tried to conjure up memories of her childhood. The chime of her timer pulled her back. She noticed it wasn't much longer before the masseur was going to be here. A little wave of rebellion swept over her. She wouldn't have time to put the ointment on now. She would wait until the massage was over.

Try as she might she could not get much past her early teens. She could remember the Junior High School she went to. She remembered riding the bus but had no memories of getting off. Cassy began to feel a lot of anxiety. What was wrong with her. Why couldn't she remember.

She was far away when she felt the Professor's hand shaking her. "Cassy come back to us." She pushed his hand away and tried to fight it. She did not want to come back.

"Leave me alone. Go away." Her voice in her ears sounded like it was coming from a long way away.

She felt strong hands picking her up, forcing her to stand and walk. "Come on girl, got to get up and move. It will help." She stumbled as he pushed her along in front of him. She could hear running water and suddenly she was standing in her shower with ice cold water cascading over her head. Squealing in shock she began to fight in earnest, trying to escape the sudden agony of cold. He let her out and she stood shivering in her cold soaked robe and burst into sobs. He pulled her tight to his chest and held her as she cried.

At first she held tight to him but as she slipped deeper into her grief she began to struggle to get away, pushing at him and them beating at his chest with her fists. Her grief becoming rage. She began to scream at him, "How dare you do this to me. I hate this. I want to go home. Just let me die." He did not speak at all. He just held her tight to his chest until she exhausted herself.

Then he picked her up and cradling her to his chest he carried to her bed. He stood her on her feet, stripped off the wet bathrobe and pulled back the covers. With one practiced move he had her tucked deep under the covers. Cassy was suddenly aware of how cold she was. Long wracking shivers shook her whole body.

The professor went into the bathroom and turned the shower on again. As he came back out she noticed he had taken his wet jacket and shirt off and was bare chested. "OK girl. Its warm water now. Just going to try and warm you up." He pulled off her covers and dragged her to her feet. "No arguments, just obedience." Cassy was groggy with cold and exhaustion. She passively allowed him to push her into the shower and stood there as the warm water poured over her. He did not let her leave for a long time. His strong hands pushing her back in when she tried to get out. Finally he let her out and toweled her off briskly. He pulled a night gown over her head and grabbed a blanket off her bed and enveloped her in it. He sat her on her couch and stood in front of her drying his chest with the same towel he had used on her.

He dug into his wet pants pocket and pulled a cell phone. "Momma could you send up a lunch tray for both Cassy and me to her room. And a big pot of hot tea and with lots of sugar and two cups. And can you send up a couple of dry robes, one big enough for me. We seem to have gotten a bit wet."

He turned his attention back to her. "OK Cassy girl. What the hell was that about. I was in the middle of a session when Momma broke in all in a panic. The massage therapist couldn't get you to answer your door. Momma came in and couldn't get you to respond. What were you doing to yourself up here."

Cassy was too tired to fight. All her defenses were destroyed. "I was just sitting at the computer trying to do my assignment. I was trying and trying to remember something, anything from when I was little. I remember feeling really mad. Mad about all the stupid writing. Mad about having to put the ointment on. Mad that I knew I could have an orgasm but I was afraid to. Mad that I wanted to fuck you and had messed that up. Mad about not being able to remember and then I was scared, really scared. I don't remember anything after that until you put the water on my head."

"You said you wanted me to let you die. Do you think about dieing very often?"

"No, not in the last few years."

"Tell me about when you did think about dieing."

"It was during the years after I graduated from high school and before I met my Master. I worked at a book store and lived alone. In the night I would go up to this bridge high above the city and stand balanced on the railing hundreds of feet above everyone moving below. I would just stand there wondering if I could fall. I never thought about jumping but I would stand there and hope a really strong wind would come and blow me off. After I met my Master I stopped going up there."

"Why do you think that was."

"After I met my Master it felt like I had fallen. Like he was the strong wind that blew me off the railing. Its felt like I have been falling ever since."

"On a scale of one to ten, one being totally safe and ten being worst danger, how much at risk do you think you are of hurting yourself right now."

"Right now, one. I don't think I was even very serious when I said it to you earlier. It seemed like it was something left over from a long time ago."

"I agree but I want you to promise to me if that risk rating ever feels like higher than five you will come to me, no matter where you are."

Cassy nodded, "I promise."

Momma knocked on the door and then came in before anyone said anything. She pulled the coffee table over close to the couch and set a big tray of food and a teapot on it. "Here is that robe you asked me for. Oh Cassy dear you put the fear of god into this old Momma's heart. I never saw eyes so empty and sad all at the same time. I am so happy to see you looking so much better."

"I am sorry." Cassy hesitated and then said, "Momma."

Mia absolutely glowed with delight. "You make me so happy sweet girl. Now you listen to the Professor. He will fix everything."

The professor pulled on the robe and shook his head. "Don't believe everything Momma says. She thinks I am a miracle worker. There won't be any miracles unless we make them happen together."

Pulling up a chair next to her he began to eat his lunch. "Come on, its really much better warm. I would hate to have to watch you eat it after it gets cold." Cassy could hear the steel in his voice under the humor. She swung her feet down to the floor and began to eat. The hot tea tasted wonderful warming her deep down. The caffeine gave her a boost of energy.

After lunch he reached over and smoothed her hair out of her eyes. "I am going to go put on some dry clothes then I will come back and get you for our afternoon session. Don't worry about getting dressed. Just put this dry robe over your nightgown." He picked up the tray and carried it out of her room.

Cassy got up and went into the bathroom. It was a disaster. Water was everywhere. Wet towels and clothes on the floor. She sat on the toilet and peed. She picked up the Professor's jacket and shirt and hung them up to dry. She gathered up the wet towels and put them in her hamper along with her wet robe. She pulled on the dry robe. She thought about putting on some ointment but once again felt an increasing resistance to obeying that order.

The Professor walked into her room without knocking. He pointed at a couple of small objects around her room. "Those are cameras Cassy. For the time being I have decided to turn them on. Don't assume that means I will be watching you all the time. I certainly don't have time for that, but I may be checking on how you are doing from time to time."

"Lets head down to the clinic." He led off and Cassy followed behind. He took the elevator down. Cassy noticed that he needed to use a special key to open the elevator door on the clinic side. He led her to a different room than she had been in earlier. It was dark, lit with only a discrete lamps at a desk and by the door. A large comfortable recliner chair dominated the center of the room. Have a seat." Cassy climbed into the chair feeling almost child sized in the big over sized chair.

The professor got out a syringe from the desk. "Hold out your arm, this will make everything go by in just a few seconds."

Cassy held out her arm. "What is it?"

"Its a nice mixture of Sodium Pentathol, Rohypnol, and a couple of other things to help you relax. My own special cocktail. Helps with remembering. Helps with forgetting. Lay back and enjoy the ride." He tipped the chair until Cassy was laying almost flat. He got out a heavy soft blanket and covered her up to her neck. Cassy was feeling very drowsy, warmth was spreading over her whole body. His voice was deep, rhythmic, and hypnotic. "Cassy I want you to remember that you are here with me. You are safe. Nothing can ever hurt you again."