Finding My Way Home Ch. 05

I took a deep breath and walked to her door. I rang the doorbell. There was no answer. I tried several times, to no avail. I called her cell and it went to voice mail. I finally gave up and went home.

When I got home I was in for a worse surprise. I saw Mrs. Johnson's car in front of our house. Oh, shit! Did she know? What do I do now?

I entered the house sheepishly, knowing full well that I was in for a thrashing. I just hoped it didn't include assault charges.

When I entered, my mother and Mrs. Johnson were sitting on the couch and Lily was standing off to one side, staring at the floor. Maybe she couldn't even sit down. The two mothers looked up at me, one with unbridled hatred and the other with shock and dismay. I felt worse than I had ever felt when I did something wrong as a teenager. I could see the shame on my mother's face and that was the worst thing. My mother started on me immediately. I didn't even get a chance to sit down.

"Jon Kenton, how could you take a belt to Lily like this? What the hell have you done? Do you know what her back looks like? How could you ever strike a woman like this?"

I continued walking until I sat down in one of the easy chairs. I looked at the two mothers, both of them waiting for some response to that. But what could I say?

"I'm sorry. Yes, I did it. I wish I could take it back, but I was so angry that I didn't even think. I'm sorry." I hung my head and looked at my feet, unable to look either one of them in the eyes.

Mrs. Johnson then got in the act. When she spoke I looked up to see her eyes blazing and showing that she wished only the best diseases on me. "The only reason I'm not pressing charges is that Lily says she asked you to do it and won't cooperate. Is that right?"

I looked up at the sad face of Lily. "Yes, ma'am. But it's still my fault. I should never have done it. I should have asked why she told them where Cindy and I were. I'm so sorry."

They both stared at me, looking like they were still unable to believe that I had done this heinous act. It looked like they were waiting for me to say more, but I couldn't think of anything. I had done it, it was wrong, I was an asshole.

Mrs. Johnson stood up. "Well, Jon, you will never be welcome in my home again. I don't want to ever see you around Lily again, you understand?"

"Yes, ma'am." I looked at the floor. She got up to leave and my mother walked her to the door. Lily stayed put.

Lily turned to her mother. "Mother, please wait outside for a minute. I need to speak to Jon." Lily's mother started to protest, but Lily cut her off. "Mother! Please. Just a minute."

Mrs. Johnson looked at me and then over at Lily. Finally, she left in a snit. My mother looked at the two of us and then left as well, leaving us along.

Lily walked over to where I was sitting. I couldn't look up into her face. I had hurt someone I thought I had feelings for in a way that I never thought I would. She reached down and lifted my chin up so that I had to look at her. She stared into my eyes her gaze never wavering. "I forgive you, Jon. It was my penance. I had to atone for what I had done. I will always protect Lauren, but I should have called someone immediately after they left. I was just scared into inaction. Can you forgive me for what I did?"

I stared up at this beautiful woman, so scarred so early in life, and my beating had just added to it. "Lily, after learning the truth, there was nothing to forgive. You were protecting your child, something innate in a woman. I just don't know why you felt that you had something to atone for and why you are forgiving me. It was unforgiveable what I did."

She smiled a sad smile. "No, Jon, it's not unforgiveable. And don't listen to my mother. I like you and would like to remain your friend. If you want to ask me out, I'd like that, too."

I stared at her. "Are you sure?" I couldn't understand where this level of compassion was coming from, but I was glad. It was just like the Lily I knew from high school to do this. I didn't know if I could ever fully forgive myself for it, but it made me feel a little better that she said she did.

"Of course. Just give it some time." She sighed and gave me a resigned smile. "I have plenty of that."

I stood up in front of her and went to hug her. She looked at me briefly, and then let me. I tried to be gentle, but I could feel her wince just a bit as I put my arms around her. "Lily, you are a very good person. I'm sorry I hurt you."

She smiled a tired, sad smile. "I asked you to, remember?" She looked back up and directly into my eyes, another intense gaze at me.

I squirmed under the intensity and looked away. "I know, but that doesn't make it right."

"I didn't say that it did."

I looked up at her. I tried to smile a little. "Thanks, Lily. I'm glad you told me."

She looked away. "If only I had believed you when you said that you just wanted to date me -- we wouldn't be here now."

I quickly looked up at her. "Are you blaming yourself for all of this?"

"Yes, hence my atonement. It wasn't just for telling them where you were. It was for getting you involved in the first place. It all started with inviting you over and you having your run-in with Buck. It started there and just kept snowballing."

"Lily, you're wrong. Nobody can foresee circumstances like this. We just have to do the best we can and keep living."

"I think I see that now. Same to you, Jon."

She was right about that, but it was hard to admit it at that moment. "Right. Thanks."

Lily turned to leave. "I'm serious about you calling me. I think I'd like to go out on a date again."

"Okay." I watched her leave, knowing that it would be awhile before I could forgive myself for being what I always despised in other people; self-centered to the point of ignoring someone else's position or situation. I didn't know if I could ever call her or see her again.

While standing there my mother came back in. She looked at me differently. "I don't know who you are anymore Jon. I would have never suspected that you could do something like that."

"I'm sorry." I looked at her, trying to convey that I was in pain as well.

"I think it would be best if you figured out what you are going to do with your life and get to it. I'm going to go over to the mall and do some shopping. I can't be around you right now."

I watched her leave and sat down heavily. At least it was out in the open. I didn't have to worry about being blind-sided by it later. I headed back to my bedroom and flopped onto the bed. Maybe I could get some sleep. I now felt responsible for Cindy's death and Lily's strapping. It was not a red letter day for Jon Kenton.

After thinking about what my mother said, I decided to head up to Chicago and see a friend of mine. I had to get away from this little town and all the bad memories that were running around in my head. It was the only way I could face tomorrow. I called ahead and reached his cell. He lived in LaGrange. I packed a small bag and left within an hour. I left my mother a note, afraid to speak to her on her cell.

It was a gray winter's day on the trip up, matching my mood. There was no room for sunshine in my life right now.

I arrived at about 10pm and Jim opened the door and greeted me with a big hug and then asked me in. He had about 8 people there and they were all watching some movie. He could tell that I was not in the mood and pulled me into the kitchen. "What's going on, Jon?"

"It's a long sad story, and I need some time to get over it. I just needed someone to hang out with while I got away from home."

He looked at me closely. He and I had been to Afghanistan together. He was in another platoon in the same company. "Jon, what's this about?"

"Short story. I was dating a woman I think I was in love with and she was gunned down by relatives of a guy I sent to jail protecting another woman, who I then blamed for the first woman's death and whipped with a belt."

He stared at me. "Fuck! Wait here." He went into the other room and I could hear him. "Okay, everybody out." There were protestations and questions about why. "I need to talk to my buddy. We can do this some other time. Right now, he's got problems that need immediate attention and I need to give it to him." They were not happy, but he eventually shooed all of them out; after all, we were military family. He came back into the kitchen. "So tell me the longer version."

I started telling it and he and I went through about a six pack. After he heard the entire story, he sat back and looked at me. "Wow! That is some story. How did you leave it with Lily?"

"I didn't. She just said she would be waiting and I just said okay."

"Alright listen, there's a bar just around the corner that has some pool tables. It's only midnight so we have a couple of hours. Shall we go there and finish off this drunk? It's all on foot. We can do that!"

I just didn't want to be alone and drunk, so this was good. "Great idea. Let's go."

We traipsed down to the bar and the pool tables were full. We sat at the bar and had another drink and then some guy started roughing up his girlfriend. She was taking it, too. I don't know why. My rule was to never get involved in a domestic dispute and never, ever do it in a bar. I stayed away and the bartender finally broke it up and ushered them out. I wondered if I could ever pass judgment on someone like that again after my actions.

Jim and I drank and got fairly drunk. By the time we got back to his apartment it was about 2am. We crashed.

3 February 2010

I was awakened the next morning at 9am, way too early, but my cell was buzzing and it was sitting on a table that amplified the vibrations. I reached for it as my hand shook and my head said no to everything. "Hello?"

It was my mother. "Jon, are you in Chicago?"

"Yes, I left you a note."

"I know. I just didn't hear from you and wanted to make sure all was fine."

"Yeah, it's fine." I felt like I was a high school student checking in, but it was good to hear her speaking in civil tones to me.

"I didn't want to be checking up on you, but I was pretty angry when I left yesterday. I guess I should have stayed and asked for your side of the story."

"There's nothing much to say. I overreacted and did exactly what you saw to Lily. I was angry and depressed and didn't even ask why she did it. She didn't tell me they had threatened Lauren until she collapsed and I laid her on the couch. Until then I didn't even think about it. I was too focused on my own pain."

"Still, I should have talked with you about it. Are you coming home soon?"

"I don't know. I'll talk to Jim and call you later, okay?"

"Okay."

"Bye, Mom."

"Jon?"

"Yes?"

"I love you, honey."

"Thanks, Mom. Bye."

I closed my cell and tried to get back to sleep, but my mother's call cleared my head of all but the alcohol. It made me realize that there was unfinished business back home. My running to Chicago would do nothing to resolve that. I waited until Jim got up and told him that I was going to have to go right back.

Jim stared at me. "You sure?"

"Yeah, I should go back and at least make sure my Mom's okay."

"Okay. Listen, if you ever need a place to stay, no calls are necessary. Just show up. You are always welcome."

"Thanks, Jim."

We ate breakfast and then I gave him a good manly handshake and quick hug. He looked me in the eye. "I mean it. You need something you call me. I can come down there, too. Got it?"

I gave him the Army answer. "Hooah."

"Hooah. Now get your ass home."

I left and started driving. I thought about what I was going to do there. I was a little afraid of staying in that small town after what I had done to Lily. If that ever got around, I'd be toast in the entire county. But the more I thought about it the more I decided to at least give it a try. At the next exit, I got off I-55 and pulled in to fill up my car. I also pulled out my wallet and retrieved the card of the prosecutor who asked me to be an investigator for them. I called him and told him I was willing to give it a try, He said that since it was Wednesday I could wait until next week and then we'd get together and go over the work.

With that accomplished, I felt better about at least starting toward becoming a productive member of society again. It also made me feel better about myself. I had not felt good in a while with all that had been going on in my life. It would provide me something to focus on while I decided what I really wanted to do with the rest of my life.

Finally, about 8pm, I pulled into my driveway. My mother came out of the house to greet me and gave me a big tearful hug. We walked into the house before she said anything.

"Jon, I think I understand what happened with you and Lily. I think it was very wrong, but I understand you were in pain and just handled it wrong in a spur of the moment reaction."

I looked at her. "It was still wrong. I know better than that. I'm better than that."

She gave me a wan smile. "Yes, you are. But you're not a saint and it just shows that you are a fallible human."

"Thanks... I think."

"C'mon in. I knew you would get here around now and I have some chili on the stove."

"Chili? Sounds good."

We went into the kitchen and were able to get through the meal talking about everything but Cindy or Lily.

Chapter 16. The new job... and Lily... again.

8 February 2010

The following Monday I reported to the county courthouse and met with the DA. He told me what kinds of things I would be doing. It's mostly a boring job being an investigator for the DA. You have to do all kinds of research, track down information, and sometimes actually do something exciting. I told him I'd take it. I was looking for boring and steady.

"Jon, we have to do one thing first."

"What's that?"

"We have to make sure you are cleared in the shooting death of the Boyds. I have two assistants going over that and they will come to me with their recommendations after going over everything with the police."

"Oh, right."

"I'll get you started on an interim basis since I believe everything will show you acted in self defense, but if it shows otherwise, the job offer is off."

"I understand."

"Okay, let's go."

Darrin walked me out and introduced me to a young woman who had just graduated from law school and was working for the DA's office. She took me to a small office that was to be mine and then walked me around, introducing me to everyone else in the office. Finally, she asked if I was ready for lunch, and since it was almost noon by this time I agreed. We walked directly across the street to a small tavern that evidently served a good lunch.

We had sat down at a small table in the corner and I decided to find out more about her. "So, tell me, Diane, how did you end up here?"

She looked at me for a few seconds. "Well, I'm from Saint Louis and just graduated from law school at Wash U. I wanted to work in town, but this was the best place for me to be close to the family, but far enough away at the same time, you know what I mean?"

I knew. "Yeah, I know what you mean."

"I wanted to be on the prosecution side to learn the ropes and this place had an opening so I took it."

"Is this what you want to do permanently? Be a prosecutor?"

"I think so. I'm not in this for the money."

"Yeah, me neither."

She grinned. "Yeah, I know what the approved salary for the investigator was set at and it's less than mine. It's abysmal."

"Well, gee thanks for cheering me up."

"Welcome."

The waitress came and we ordered lunch. She got a soup and salad combination. I just opted for the BLT on wheat.

"So, Jon, how did you end up here? I heard about the run in with Buck. James told me about it and I saw the case when it was coming up for trial."

I told her about my life and my mother. Then we got to the present. "Well, you probably also know about the situation with Cindy Tomlinson and the shootings."

"Yeah, I heard. I was initially surprised that the DA wanted someone who was involved in a deadly shooting for this job. But from what I heard he is not going to press charges. I figured there still might be more to it than the rumors."

"What do the rumors say?"

"Just that you and Cindy were attacked and you killed both of them. But they also say that Buck's father was alive on the ground when you went up and shot him at point blank range."

"To be truthful, everything happened so fast, I don't remember how all the shooting happened." I lied, knowing that I couldn't tell the truth. I remembered everything perfectly, although some of it through an Afghanistan induced flashback. There was nothing to be gained by telling her that.

We finished lunch and she took me back to the office and so began my life as an investigator. Over the next couple of weeks, I had to learn more about doing computer searches and how to get access to other restricted resources than I had ever imagined. Diane was engaged and I was off the market, at least I was not even considering dating at that time, so we had lunch a lot when we were both in the office. She turned out to have a quick, biting wit, and a very good eye about people.

15 March 2010

It was about a month later that I was having dinner with Diane at one of the more upscale restaurants after we had both been in court all day. It was about 7pm and her fiancé had called and had to work late. We decided to have dinner together. We were dressed up from court and enjoying our meal. I had started earlier than her as she cleaned up some paperwork and was already on my fourth beer when she joined me. While we ate, she came up with some good one-liners to make fun of some of the key people in the case. I was enjoying all this when I saw Lily for the first time since our last meeting. I had avoided her café like the plague since our falling out, and it wiped the smile from my face.

She walked in with a man and they were shown to a table directly behind me. Lily saw me turn and watch them be shown to their seats and gave me one of her present-day wan smiles. I waved quickly and Diane watched to see who I was waving to.

Diane looked at me. "Pretty. How do you know her?"

"We went to high school together."

"Have you seen her since?"

"Yes, we dated once."

"Who is she?"

I didn't even think about Diane being in the DA's office. "Lily Johnson."

"Wait, that's Buck's ex-wife? The one that you were meeting for dinner when you found him trying to kidnap her?"

I stared at her for a second. "Oh, yeah. I forgot that you saw the case when it was coming up for trial."

"Yeah, I saw it. I wanted to prosecute it, but I was too new for the DA to assign it to me. She's pretty. I thought during the trial that they said that you were going over there for a date? What happened after that?"

"She closed me off. She said she wasn't going to see me anymore because Buck and his family would come after me. She got that right, eh?"

Diane nodded. "No shit!"

"Anyway, I guess she finally decided to start dating again."

"Yeah, especially after you took care of Buck's family!"

I just looked down at my food and Diane and I continued to eat. We got to dessert and Diane excused herself to go to the ladies' room. I got beer number five.

Dessert arrived and I waited for Diane. She came back from around my left side and sat down in her chair across from me. Lily followed her and sat down in the chair between us to my left. She looked up at me and then over at Diane.

Diane spoke first. "Jon, I saw that she couldn't take her eyes off you and when she went to the ladies' room, I followed. I asked her if she needed to talk to you and so here she is. So talk." Diane stood up and left. She was going to make a good prosecutor. She had a sense about people and could see right through them.