It's quite amazing actually. I'm 43 yrs. old and have been married to my wonderfully funny, loving and supportive husband since I was 20. He's just 18 months older than me so in all actuality we have sort of grown up together over the years. We have three children the youngest just left for college this past August.
Since I was about 18 or so I have known I am sexually turned on by spanking and dominance. I accidentally ran across a "spanking magazine" and read a story about a young woman being spanked and made love to by her "Dom". It turned me on so much I read that story over and over again until I almost had it memorized. By the time I met my husband and married him I had done as much reading as I could at that time (1982) on the subject and found many other forms of spanking and dominance had also turned me on. Somehow I just knew this little kink of mine was not a good thing and most people would never understand, so I had decided very early on, I would just have to keep this little dirty secret to myself. And I did until…
One night about 6 months after we were married we were lying in bed talking after spending a long time making love and he pulled me close to him, looked me in the eye
"Tell me what you're thinking"
This was a normal routine for us, since we were young and still learning I guess he had insecurities too that needed to be addressed, thus asking me on a regular basis my thoughts. As usual with me I was afraid to actually admit that I had been thinking sex would have been a whole lot better had he of taken me over his lap and spanked me slowly and sensually until my bottom was red all over and hot to the touch. Instead I answered that question as I always had
"Nothing, just enjoying the afterglow."
At this point he would smile and hug me close to him and we would usually go to sleep, me lying on his chest and his body wrapped around mine.
This night however; was not going to be the same for either of us again. He sighs heavily
"Are you sure that's what's on your mind "little one"?
Those words made my stomach flutter and my sex starting twitching and began to get really hot. I looked at him, studying his expression, his deep blue eyes staring a hole through me, yet he was slightly grinning at me. I looked at him for a long time before finally asking,
"What would make you ask me that again?"
He sighed again and pulled me even closer to him and whispered in my ear.
"I think I know a naughty little girl who may need her ass spanked for not being honest with me."
I was so stunned at his words, I actually jumped off the bed and stood there, literally shaking and starring at him, I couldn't talk, my mouth was dry and my throat was totally constricted. His eyes began to sparkle and he broke out into a huge smile as he reached under the bed and pulled out my "collection" of books, magazines and pictures I had cut out of magazines of different spanking implements. I was so totally shocked, I felt my knees knocking and my legs become too weak to hold me up, I fell to the floor onto my knees, leaning back on my heels, I can feel the embarrassment flood throughout my body as my whole body to the top of my head blushed profusely. The whole time asking myself how in the hell he found the box, it had been hidden back in our guest room closet where I keep the extra blankets and junk I don't want anyone to see. My hubby had been quite busy it seems and had actually taken the time to read my material and do a little research of his own. He had decided when the time was right he would let me know, as always with this man, he took his time and made sure whatever it is he's involving himself in he needs to be sure he understands and knows what he's doing. He reached over and wiped the stray lock of hair that had fallen over my eye, wrapped it around my ear and moved to the floor where I was kneeling and sat beside me, holding me tightly to his chest and then begins to speak. He turned my face so that I was looking into his eyes.
"Baby doll" (That's my nickname he has always used for me) "Why didn't you tell me you were into spanking and D/s?"
I was still unable to speak and leaned my head on his shoulder. He pulls me back and makes me look directly into his eyes; I see nothing but love and a whole lot of lust. Anyway, to make a long story short, I finally did open up and told him how turned on I get from spanking and dominance. He in turn opened up to me, letting me know he had never given it any thought until he stumbled across my "secret box". He expressed a sincere desire to indulge both of us in this little kink of mine and had come up with all sorts of ideas he would like to try as well. We began our little journey that night as he pulled us both up off the floor together and sat down on the bed, slowly turned me over his lap and ever so lovingly spanked me until I was begging him to make love to me again. Needless to say, that night we slept maybe two hours and nine months later our first beautiful little boy came into this world.
Over the years we have always incorporated spanking and light D/s into our sexual foreplay, and have tried many different types of sexual toys as well as implements to spank my ass until its red hot and sometimes bruised. Our sex has always been passionate and wild between us and we both believe it's because we are willing to try new things with one another. One thing I can honestly say about our marriage. We have the utmost respect for one another and will back the other up no matter what. Outside of the bedroom we are equal and share equal responsibilities, always have. My husband has never tried or even entertained the notion of either truly dominating me or imposing any kind of actual punishment for not doing what he wanted or because he felt I was in need of a lesson. NEVER! I had never asked him to or wanted him to. For me, it's all about great sex and sharing a special bond only the two of us can have with one another.
OK with all this said, now you all have a better insight into our marriage and yes our sex lives. That information will help you to understand Hubby and myself and our relationship while I relay to the best of my ability this story/episode in our lives.
Like I had said before, all of our children are grown and either away in college or graduated and on their own. So hubby and I for the first time in 22 years have our home to ourselves with the exception of two beautiful long haired rag-doll cats and 3 shelties (little collie look a-likes) We have enjoyed the peace and quiet and at the same time missed the rambunctious roar of our household when the kids and their friends would hang out. But, as a mother, I have missed my children a great deal and the last one leaving the nest has been hard for me to adjust to. Hubby knows this and has been quite attentive to my needs since August. I however, have not been too receptive to his attention and have been increasingly becoming quite a handful, moody and restless not to mention a bit too grumpy with hubby. It seems for the last couple of months, well actually even before the last chickadee flew the coupe I have been quite grumpy and short with everyone. Hubby has noticed and knows where it's been coming from so has been very patient with me. When I have the tendency to become too much for him it usually only takes a word or two from him and I lighten up. I have never enjoyed upsetting him or making him angry in anyway…guess that's the natural submissive in me and he knows that, so he only has to mention my mood and I back off and get my composure back to normal.
On Friday nights we bowl on a league, I don't get off work until 6:30 and we start bowling at 7:00 so we meet at the alley and drive our separate cars home, we usually finish by 10:00, stay and talk with the other members of our league and then head home or out for a bite to eat. Last week I was in a foul mood all day and by the time I met him at the bowling alley he could sense I was in no mood for anything. He kept a protective barrier between me and anyone else just in case I was unable to control my temper/mouth. I knew what he was doing and secretly was grateful since we have known these people for years and I really didn't want to embarrass either of us, but I was clearly not in the right frame of mind to care too much. Our team mates a married couple just a few years younger than us noticed my mood as well. Deanna, one of my closest friends and teammate took me aside during the last game and told me she had noticed my mood lately and had something for me that would help. I looked at her with a confused expression and she handed me a ball of something and told me to wait until I was alone to check it out, well I couldn't wait so I high-tailed it to the bathroom and hid in one of the stalls, opened the ball in my hand to find a baggie full of POT!!!!!!! I was absolutely floored, could not believe Deanna had given me this, my first instinct was to flush it but something inside of me, the pot head teenager I used to be told me…no way dumb-ass, you'll really enjoy this and it will help your mood, chill out it will be ok.. Well, like a kid at Christmas, I could not wait to try it, it had been over 20 years since I had been high and I decided it was time I allow myself to enjoy it one more time. Of course, knowing the way my hubby felt about drugs in general, there was no way I was telling him about it.
When we got ready to leave I told him I needed to stop at the store for a moment to pick something up, I can't even remember what it was I told him I was getting but I told him to go ahead and I would meet him at home. I rushed to a nearby convenient store and purchased a pack of cigarette papers, sat in the back of the parking lot and proceeded to roll a joint. I was nervous yet giddy at the same time and lit it up right then and there. I smoked about half of it when I realized I needed to get going, so I headed home finishing my joint and beginning to feel the effects of it. WHOAAAAAA!!! I was getting stoned fast, my eyesight began to get blurry and my lips and fingers began to tingle., my head started to spin and I realized at that moment, I cannot drive home, I had to pull over to the side of the road. I sat there really nervous and wasted for about 30 minutes and my cell phone rang, startled by the noise I jumped and with trembling hands picked up the phone. I knew it would be hubby and I knew I was going to have to tell him to come and get me. Oh shit, what am I going to say???
"Hi baby doll, where are ya?"
"Hi babe, uh, I'm, uh."
"Baby doll, where are you, are you OK?"
"Uh, yeah babe, listen, I need to….uh, honey, I need you to come and get me."
"Why, something wrong with the car?"
"Uh, no…I'm not feeling really well and can't drive the rest of the way home."
"OK, did you throw up?"
"No, oh shit babe, I really messed up. Please just come and pick me up, I'll tell you all about it then."
"Ok, sweetheart, I'm already on my way."
We hung up and I sat back in the seat, my body almost like jelly and my head spinning causing my stomach to churn. Hubby got to me in less than 10 minutes, took one look at me and came running to the door.
"You look terrible sweetie, lets get you home and in bed, are you running a fever?" (Placing the palm of his hand on my forehead and neck)
I looked into his concerned eyes and knew I had to tell him the truth but at the time I wasn't able to speak very clearly and all I could concentrate on was NOT throwing up. My head spun and my stomach churned right along with it. Oh jeeze, I am so stupid! We get my car parked and me into the passenger's side of his car and head home. About 5 minutes into the drive he starts to look at me and I see he's thinking and sniffing. I don't say a word but every few seconds he looks over at me with this weird expression on his face. Finally after about 3 minutes of this he says.
"What's that smell?"
I know he knows and I swallow hard and sigh heavily not saying a word. He pulls into our driveway and gets out of the car, comes to my side, opens the door and helps me out, he leans into me and sniffs again and I see it, the fire and anger boiling in his eyes. He grabs me by the waist and takes me inside and helps get me into bed, never saying another word. As he leaves the bedroom he says.
"We will talk about this tomorrow, get some sleep and you'll feel better in the morning."
Saturday morning I wake up to my hubby sitting on my side of the bed holding a cup of coffee out for me to take.
"Here, it's after 9, have some coffee, take a shower and meet me in the Den; we have to have a long talk."
I gladly take the coffee from his hands and look into his eyes, he's not angry anymore but I can definitely see disappointment mixed with sadness and I immediately start to apologize and he holds his finger to my mouth. Very quietly,with a stern tone in his voice.
"Sssh" "I don't want you to say one word about last night to me right now. Right now, I want you to drink your coffee and take a shower, when you are finished, come into the den and we will discuss things there."
He looks at me with an expression I have only ever seen him use when he was punishing one of our children and adds
"Is that clear, young lady?"
Oh my God, my stomach felt like it was going to leap out of my throat and the only thing I could do was nod in agreement.
He then leans over and kisses me on the forehead.
"I'll be in the den waiting."
My hands began to tremble, my mouth was dry and little beads of sweat started to form on my forehead as well as the palms of my hands. I was completely stunned to say the least but at the same time felt terrible because I knew I had messed up and he was really upset. I had lied to him and went behind his back and did something not only stupid but illegal as well. Sighhhh. I got up and quickly jumped in the shower not wanting to make either of us wait any longer for this discussion.
As I walk into the den I see him sitting at the desk reading something, I look at the top of the desk and see some of our "toys" one of which is a paddle we never use. It's made of solid oak and has holes drilled throughout, the sting is way too intense even flicked lightly, and I never really liked it so we never use it anymore. Along side of the paddle is the leather strap and one of the canes we bought for play but have not used yet. I take a deep breath and trying to ease some of the tension I say smiling.
"Hmmmm, are we in a playful mood this morning?"
That was the wrong thing to say! He turns from the computer and stares daggers through me as he slowly, clearly and with a great deal of control states
"Not this morning sweetheart, this morning you are going to learn what a REAL punishment feels like."
I took like three steps back and looked at him with complete shock and choked on my words…..
"Wwwhat? Pppunish? I…a…ummm….Punish me?"
I really couldn't believe he had even suggested it let alone believed he was going to actually punish me. He realized what I was thinking and never moving from his position in his chair at the desk quietly spoke.
"You think sneaking behind my back and lying to me as well as putting yourself in danger by ingesting a drug you have no clue where it actually came from and then attempting to drive a vehicle home while stoned is not a good enough reason to punish you?"
I was almost breathless and my knees began to tremble a bit. I didn't know how to react or what to say. He was right of course, but he had never punished me in any way and I wasn't all too keen on the idea of being spanked, paddled, strapped and canned because I did something stupid and immature instead of because we were going to have really great sex. It's just something I never believed I would do or wanted him to do to me. The reality of the situation slowly began to sink in for me. This isn't something I want, but just maybe it's something I need. Ultimately, even in the center of all this turmoil and upset between us, we both knew I would be the one to make the decision on whether or not he was actually going to punish me.
I took a deep breath and slowly sat down on the couch and stared at him for a long time, every emotion and feeling running through my veins. From shock to anger, to guilt, to sadness and finally acknowledgement. Tears began to form in my eyes as the emotions all ran through me and I looked at him.
"Do you really want to punish me?"
He got up from his chair and came over to me sitting beside me, took my hand and looked me in the eyes, softly but with resolve.
"Baby doll, I don't want to punish you, I never felt it necessary and I certainly never entertained the thought until last night. Do you know what I did last night while you slept?"
"No, what did you do"
Choking back the tears that were threatening to overflow from my eyes,
"I went through your purse and found the bag, flushed it and completely lost my cool, I was so angry with you and so hurt that you would lie to me and hide something like this from me, I have been up all night pacing, trying to calm myself and decided to go out for a while. I walked this neighborhood most of the night, thinking about what had happened and what could have happened to you and made the decision this would never happen again. You will never have the need to be so impulsive and stupid again, you will feel my disappointment and hopefully when it's all said and done you will have learned from this experience and never again try to escape from your feelings through drugs or any other outlet that is dangerous or illegal again. I don't want to punish you but I truly believe Baby doll, I need to and you need me to, when you're ready to admit that we can get started and put this episode behind us, hopefully for good."
Now I am crying in full force, the guilt I'm feeling is overwhelming and the hurt in his voice and eyes are tearing me apart. I took a deep breath and shook my head not believing what was happening and what I was about to do.
"Honey, I am so sorry, I never wanted to hurt you or even lie to you, this wasn't something I planned in advance, it just presented itself to me last night and I ran with it. I love you and I don't ever want to lose your trust or make you feel like this again."
I paused for a moment and gathered all of my courage, looked him in the eye and with a shaky voice.
"Honey, will you please punish me?"
He nodded and hugged me close to him for a long time and took a breath as he rose from the couch and took my hand into his pulling me upright to stand facing him.
"This is going to be a real punishment Baby doll, I'm not going to stop until I believe you have learned your lesson, do you understand me?" His whole demeanor firm and unwavering,
I nodded in agreement, afraid to say anything and then looked down to the floor feeling like a five year old child who just got caught taking a cookie out of the cookie jar after being told no.
Hubby placed his hand under my chin and slowly raised my face until my eyes returned to his and smiled at me, yet I could see the sadness and sheer determination in his eyes. It felt so strange for me to see him look at me that way. In that instant I truly did feel like a child who had disappointed her father. A flood of new and raw emotions came bubbling to the service and I began to cry even harder. Something inside me just began to rip in two and I had this overwhelming need to be sure he knew I truly was sorry for hurting both of us. Hubby felt the tension and hugged me close to his body for a moment, I looked into his eyes and in a voice I had never heard before, this tiny insecure little girl whisper..
"I love you, I'm sorry I hurt us both."