Flathead

STOP! There is no sex in this story. Please go elsewhere. Sorry

Thanks to the Hip and Knee doctor for editing assistance.

Flathead--- From 1920 through 1969, Flathead Indians and Harleys were a major force in American motorcycling.

Up until I met Candy, there were only two things in my life of any value: the 1946 Flathead that my father gave me, and the 1917 Navy Luger that my grandfather brought back after World War 2.

I wasn't what you would call an ambitious fellow. I usually went with the flow and always took the easy way out. Now, don't get the wrong impression as I was not a wimp in any sense of the word, but I wasn't an in-your-face bully, either.

I enjoyed the pleasures of many a friendly young lady over the last few years, and I was usually able to sweet talk one of the better ones out of the bar before closing time. That means that I didn't end up with the coyote leftovers. None of them, however, were interesting enough for me to want to establish any kind of relationship, until I went to Vegas.

When I was not picking up girls at bars, I was beating my kidneys to death on the top of some type of earth-moving equipment. It didn't take me long to get familiar with anything made by Caterpillar or their competitors. I had all the work I could handle and the money was good.

In no time at all, I was able to buy a small house with a garage for my precious flathead. The Ford F150 pick-up stayed out in the rain, but my baby got to be inside all by herself. Granddad's Luger was safely locked in the bedroom gun cabinet along with a small collection of miscellaneous rifles, shotguns, and some black powder pieces. It was a nice little cottage and I always brought my conquests there to consummate my nightly relationships.

My downfall came in the middle of January. Work was a little slow, so a few buddies and me grabbed a special casino flight out of Philly to Vegas. I forgot the rule: "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."

Candy came from somewhere South of Huntsville, but North of Birmingham. I never could remember the name of the place. I don't know if it was her blonde hair or her beautiful, plastic boobs, but I fell in love the first time I saw her. What cinched the deal was that she made me feel like I was the most important person in the world. When I was with Candy, I felt like I was handsome, smart, and strong. All of a sudden, I was the world's greatest lover. I don't know if it was the booze or the neon lights, but I had to have this woman. My collection wouldn't be complete without her. I came home with a new wife and a new tattoo.

Things were great for the next several months. Warm weather came and Candy and I started riding every weekend. Of course, I spent more time keeping the Harley running, than riding it, but that was the joy of it. I was just starting to feel comfortable with my newest acquisition when things fell apart.

The Pig Pit was not the best place to take a woman like Candy, but I was feeling confident in my ability to take care of her. I had been to this rat-hole several times, and had a pretty good idea of what to expect. I felt that we could have a good time, if I kept my cool, and if I was ready to leave when things got nasty. The first two hours were fine and then nasty arrived, in the form of a hairy giant named Butter. Candy ended up dancing a few times with Butter and it seemed to me that she was starting to be a little too friendly. Candy was a flirt, but this was not the proper place for it. I had been trying to pace my drinking, and I was still sober enough to know that there was no way in heaven that I could handle this monster if things got out of hand. It was time to leave.

Candy was having a good time and did not want to go home. I finally had to take her by the arm and gently walk her out of the place. Of course, my loving wife was complaining the whole time: loud enough for the whole bar to hear her. We just made it to the truck, when somebody grabbed my arm. It was Butter and he was not smiling. For some stupid reason, I took a swing at him and that was all I remembered.

Okay, I know all the clichés. The first thing I noticed was the garbled voices on the speaker system and the constant ding-ding noises, alerting people to something or other. It was all there. The puke-green walls and the fluorescent lights. I was alone in the damned room and I was in pain. The sunlight coming through the window told me that it was daytime. The trouble was that I could only see the light through my right eye. My left eye was swollen shut. I found myself taking inventory. My lip hurt, and it felt like I was missing a tooth or two. I quickly discovered that it was not a good idea to take a deep breath. My whole mid-section was wrapped up like a mummy. Something was wrong with my right hand and when I raised it up, I discovered four fingers wrapped up with steel braces. That was when it all came back to me. I remembered using that hand to hit a big ugly mother in the face. To round things out, there was some kind of a cast on my left foot. I assumed that my ankle got messed up when everything else happened.

Sometimes, I astound myself with my brilliance. I rapidly came to the conclusion that I did something dumb, and ended up getting the shit kicked out of myself. I also had to piss. Using my superior deductive skills, I found the call button by the headboard.

"Oh, I see you are up, Mister Tyrell. Nice to have you back with the real world. How are you feeling?" Nurse Gleason looked like a stereotypical hospital worker, just out of a TV sitcom. She wasn't frumpy, but she wasn't trying too hard to go the other way either.

"I feel like you are going to be very, very, mad at me if I don't get a bed pan, ASAP."

It hurt like hell, but at least I was able to relieve myself with a little help. My angel of mercy took care of the task at hand as if she had done it a thousand times before, and I am sure she did.

"Where the hell is my wife?"

"She and her gentleman friend went home several hours ago. We didn't expect you to come around till later today."

"What gentleman friend?"

She gave me a slightly inquisitive look. "A big guy, who looked like a biker."

Gentleman friend? That's the son-of-a-bitch that beat the crap out of me. He should be in jail. What the hell is Candy doing going home, or anywhere else with him? My momentary aggravation did not help the pain radiating from my chest area.

"Can somebody explain exactly what the hell is wrong with me, and get me some damn pain pills of any kind."

I hated taking pain pills because they made me nauseous as hell. Right now, nausea was the preferred alternative. The available doctor looked like he came from Bombay, but he did speak perfect English and seemed to know what he was talking about. He covered everything in about twenty minutes and promised me that I could go home as soon as I could use the toilet facilities unassisted. I didn't have any toilet facilities at home, but I did have a bathroom. An hour later, Nurse Gleason removed the drip from my arm and brought me a walker. I waited until she had left and then I figured out how to swing out of the bed and make my way to the 'toilet facilities,' where I painfully, had a much-needed dump. Squeezing your bowels with three cracked ribs is not fun.

Three hours later, my loving wife showed up with her gentleman escort.

Butter stood quietly by the doorway as I endured my wife's gushing for almost five minutes. I really didn't hear a word she was saying. Finally, she paused to catch her breath. "What the hell is he doing here? Why isn't that son-of-a-bitch in jail, and what are you doing with him?"

It was then that I realized that Candy's brain was not nearly as developed as her body. Three questions in a row were more than she could handle. She was so wrapped up in apologizing for causing the problem, that she hadn't thought any further. She stood there, frustrated.

"Let's start all over. Why isn't he in jail?" Butter was avoiding eye contact with me.

Candy finally was able to put a few words together. "The police said they couldn't arrest him unless we pressed charges. They said that you started it, because you struck the first blow."

"What the hell are you taking about? He grabbed me while I was protecting my wife."

"Yes, but he didn't know I was your wife. Butter thought you were dragging me out of the Pig Pit against my will. He was trying to protect me from you. When he tried to stop you, you hit him."

"Is that what you told the police? "

"Well, yeah. It was the truth and I couldn't lie to them."

"Do you mean to tell me that he can beat the crap out of me and get away with it? Couldn't you have at least charged him with excessive force?"

Candy just looked at me with a quizzical expression on her face and nodded.

"I am sorry man. I didn't know she was your wife. I'll make it up to you, I promise." Butter seemed to feel some kind of obligation to explain his actions.

"How the hell are you going to make it up to me?"

"I am going to take care of things for you while you are healing up. You will be able to relax and recover because I will be there for you."

It was like a nightmare from hell. "I don't want you taking care of me or anything else. Please, just get the hell out of my life."

"John, don't go making any rash decisions like that. Butter has already started to help out. He drove your truck back to the house, and he called your work to explain that you would not be able to go in for about six weeks."

"Has he been to the house?"

"Yes. In fact he is going to stay there while you recover. Isn't that thoughtful?"

"No it's not. I want him out of my house and out of my life."

Well things seemed to go downhill from there. The hospital released me, but I was confined to the bed for at least two weeks and to the house for a month. Candy got a sheet of instructions for changing the dressings and a handful of prescriptions, mostly painkillers.

For the first couple of days, Candy kept me drugged up with the painkillers and sleeping pills. It was all a little hazy but I do remember a lot of laughing and giggling going on. After a while, I realized that I had to start weaning myself off the drugs and to get my head straight. I could see out of the bad eye, but things were still a little blurry. I lost a tooth and another one was broken off; that one hurt like hell and I was afraid it might get infected. I was going to have to see a dentist soon. My right hand was useless, and I could barely hobble around with the smashed ankle. The biggest problem that I had was not being able to breathe or to move my body because of the cracked ribs.

Candy kept coming in and feeding me soup and pills. Butter would just stand by the doorway and smile. I started stashing away all the pills I didn't swallow, and started taking some high dosage Tylenol that I had in the medicine cabinet, because there were virtually no side effects. From the pill bottles by the bed, I was able to figure out that Candy was more than double dosing me on the pain and sleeping pills.

Candy and Butter were gone for a good part of the day and every evening. They would stagger back in after midnight and loudly hush each other so that they wouldn't wake me up. Of course, by this time my senses were back to normal, even though my body wasn't. Their night always ended with about forty-five minutes of rousing sex. For some odd reason they would be extra quiet when they came home and then noisy as hell when they got into a sexual frenzy.

I spent my days running all sorts of scenarios through my head. Something had to be done, but I had no idea what. When Candy and Butter were at home, I acted as if I was still under the influence of the drugs. They kept giving them to me and I kept spitting them out later. My eye had healed up, but the broken tooth reached the point where is would have to be removed. The toothache from the root infection was worse than it was when it was just damaged. My hand was stiff and it hurt when I moved it. I removed the bandages and metal splints myself, and no one seemed to notice. It was still unusable. The ribs seemed to be mending, but my movement was still restricted. The cast on my foot was just a damned annoyance. I reached the point where I could hobble around without using the walker. Candy and Butter had no idea that I could function at all.

It was about noon when Butter came into the room with a bowl of soup. I was getting the shits from eating soup all the time, but didn't feel that it was a good thing to bitch about. I put on the groggy act and watched as he smirked a little.

"Where's Candy?"

"She's getting her hair and nails done." He set the soup on the nightstand.

"Are you planning on leaving soon, Butter?"

"Why the hell would I want to leave?"

"Well, I am going to be getting better and thought that you might want to get on with your life."

Butter got a laugh out of that. "This is my life, bro. Why would I want to leave a perfect set up like this? It's a great little house and your wife is fabulous in the sack. The limit on your credit cards is unbelievable. I get to go out and party every night with a beautiful bitch and you get to pay for it all. If you think I am giving this up, you are out of your head."

"What are you going to do when I get better?"

"Who said that you are going to get better? Eat your damn soup wimp-boy. Oh by the way, Candy and I are going to be going up to Hershey tomorrow, for the bike show. We will be riding that sweet little Flathead you got down in the garage. Don't worry, I'll treat it right." He was snickering to himself as he left the room.

That pretty well made up my mind for me. It was time to do something, or anything. A short while later, I heard his monster duel-wheel, diesel truck leaving, I assumed, to pick up my loving wife.

I staggered out of bed and got the key to the gun cabinet. It was a wasted effort, because the lock on the cabinet had been broken off. Things were getting worse. The guns were missing, even the black powder rifles. Most devastating of all, was the absence of my precious Navy Luger. All that was left were a few boxes of ammo and two cans of black powder. Were they hiding them from me or did they sell them?

My pants were hanging over the back of a chair. It was over a week since I had left the hospital and the bitch still hadn't washed them. I took out my wallet and started looking for my credit cards. Of course, they were all missing, along with my driver's license. Nothing was going right today.

I got back in bed, finished the soup and took a couple of Tylenols.

I waited for Candy to bring me my supper.

"You don't look too good Honey. What's wrong?"

"I don't think I am getting any better. I am tired and nauseous all the time."

"Don't worry, John. Everything will be Okay. Just keep taking your medicine." There were four pills on the food tray.

"You look pretty. Did you get your hair done?"

"Yeah, I am glad you noticed. Butter is taking me to the Pig Pen tonight and tomorrow we are going up to Hershey. Should I bring something back for you?"

"No. I'm good." We sat quietly for a few minutes while I ate.

"Candy?"

"Yes John?"

"What happened to my guns?"

"Oh, you noticed. I'm sorry honey, but we had a problem come up and had to sell them."

"What kind of problem?"

"The transmission went out on Butter's truck and the mechanic would only take cash. I know you don't approve of getting cash advances on the credit cards, so we thought the best thing to do was to sell the guns. You weren't using them anyhow."

"Damn it, Candy. That Luger was worth more than Butter's whole truck. Don't tell me you sold it."

"It wasn't worth as much as you thought it was John. We took it down to a guy called Tin Toe, who knows all about guns and stuff. He said it was so old that you couldn't even get ammunition for it. We were lucky to get two hundred dollars."

"Two hundred dollars? It was worth at least ten times that much."

"Oh, grow up John. It was just an old gun. I'll get you another one."

"Why are we paying to fix his truck?"

"Because he is going out of his way to help you. It wasn't his fault you got hurt."

"What do you mean? He is the one that did it."

"You hit him first, John. Remember that."

She seemed a little upset with me. "Take your pills. Butter and I might be late tonight. Fridays are usually fun."

Candy came back a couple of hours later to pick up the supper tray. I didn't move. As far as she could tell, I was out for the night. She was purposely being quiet so she wouldn't wake me. Ten minutes later the diesel had left for the Pig Pit.

I figured that I had about six hours. It would be rough with only one hand, one foot, and a bad attitude. Maybe the last part would compensate for the first two. I had kept the Tylenol level up, so it was controlling the discomfort pretty much. By this time, I knew which way I could turn and how much pressure I could endure and still stay functional. It didn't matter because what had to be done, had to be done. I put the two cans of black power into a pillowcase, so that I could use the walker to get to the garage. Of course, I had to stop by the kitchen and grab a few cans of beer on the way.

For the first thirty minutes, I spent my time gathering up all the tools and parts I needed. Before starting my dastardly task, I finished off a can of beer. Two years ago, I had built a completely new wiring harness for the Flathead. I knew every wire and connector on that bike, like the back of my hand. It took twice as long as it should have to get the damn solo seat off. My left hand just didn't seem to work as well as the useless right one. It was going to be a long night.

Mounting the four sections of pipe under the seat was pretty easy. The hard part was breaking the glass on the spare taillight bulbs so only the filaments would remain. Luckily, I had a nice little stock of six-volt bulbs, that I had picked up on eBay. Once I figured out how to get the vice-grips properly set, it went pretty fast, but I still had to break three to get each good one. I put two bulbs in every section of pipe, and wired them in parallel. If the filament broke in one, the second one would still function. Multiply that by four, and I was pretty confident that everything would work out as planned.

The ignition switch of the Flathead had four settings. The first was 'off' and the last was 'parking lights.' For normal daytime operation, Butter would be using the second position: 'on and ignition.' On the trip home from Hershey, he would have to turn on the headlights, which was position three. As long as the idiot didn't turn the lights on first, everything would be fine. If he did, I would end up losing my garage. I had to take the chance.

Putting the black powder into the pipes was tedious. I had to be extra careful not to break the light bulb filaments, and my dexterity was not that great. Afterwards, to celebrate my success, I finished the second can of beer. Before finishing up the wiring, I rigged up a little test circuit that worked perfectly.

It took me a lot longer to get the seat back on then it did to get it off. The extra hardware attached to the bottom made it harder to fasten the mount bolts. I cleaned everything up, and then stepped back to admire my work. It was perfect and it was unnoticeable, even though I knew it was there. It was time to finish off the last can of beer, before retiring to my sick bed.

By the time I got back to the bedroom, I was beat. The beer helped to mellow everything out a little, but I was still wound up tight. I wasn't looking forward to listening to my wife and her new friend satisfy their animalistic urges, so I took a couple of the sleeping pills and nodded off.