tagHumor & SatireFlying Phalli

Flying Phalli

byCal Y. Pygia©

As mostly homosexual men (those, at any rate, who were not mostly homosexual women), the ancient Greeks had a sense of humor that, today, would be characterized as "campy" or "gay," as in the expression "so gay": "Those ancient Greek guys' sense of humor was so gay!"

Their sense of humor is discernable in (among other things) their flying phalli. (For you dickheads who didn't complete grade school, "phalli" is the plural form of "phallus," which term, in turn, refers to a representation of the penis, as in a drawing, a painting, or a sculpture; if the phallus is shown as erect, rather than as flaccid, like your own dick--"flaccid" means "soft" or "limp," for you dickheads who didn't finish grade school--it was said to be "ithyphallic.")

As I was saying, before I rudely interrupted myself to explain the meaning of terms ever fifth-grader knows to you dickheads who didn't finish grade school, the faggots of ancient Greece were droll enough to invent the flying phallus. Cast in bronze, silver, or gold (depending upon how much disposable income a commissioner of the work wished to spend and how much he valued the privy parts themselves), the member virile was depicted with wings, making it resemble the extinct bird known as your mother-in-law.

The flying phallus usually had legs, too, which grew out of the underside of its scrotum, one beneath each testicle. Some had a phallus of its own, between these legs, and, occasionally, a phallic--that's the adjectival form of "phallus" for you dickheads who didn't complete grade school--tail. Talk about an obsession with penises!

Stealing the idea from the pantywaist Greeks they'd defeated, the manlier (but still homosexual) Romans also crafted flying phalli. The Romans, in fact, found the birdlike representations of the male genitals charming and used them as charms, to ward off evil, sickness, and death, with only limited success, it seems. Some of the Roman designs feature double phalli, both ithyphallic and joined at the base, one pointing left, the other right. The twin cocks share a pair of testicles inside a common scrotum, and the scrotum is also equipped with a smaller cock of its own, which, flaccid, rather than ithyphallic, hangs above the testicles.

Strangely enough, although both the ancient Greeks and their conquerors, the ancient Romans, regarded the phallus as a fertility charm, despite the fact that, given their tendencies to bury their own cocks up one another's asses or down each other's throats, their penises were not likely to engender a child anytime soon.

Before long the phallus, sometimes winged and sometimes wingless, was everywhere, taking the forms of amulets, lamps, votives, figurines, boundary markers, ornaments, tintinnabulae, and pottery items. Sigmund Freud, the inventor of the popular "theory" of personality known as psychoanalysis, even considered the cigar that he smoked (and everything else of a cylindrical shape) to be what he fondly called a "phallic symbol," and he explained the emotionality, especially the hysteria, of women as an effect of their "penis envy."

Some of the more complex phalli take the form of tintinnabulae (singular form "tintinnabula"). (For you dickheads who didn't graduate from the sixth grade, a tintinnabula is a small tinkling bell of the sort that Edgar Allan Poe memorializes in his poem "The Bells.") One of the more ambitious of these birdlike beings is itself a penis with kegs, large, low-hanging testicles, a phallic tail, a phallus that rears from its back, and wings; all the phalli of this phallic bird-beast are erect, or ithyphallic. It's quite a wonder--and, for queers, quite a pleasure--to behold or, for that matter, one might suppose, it would be to hold as well. A hook, set in the top side of the main phallus, just behind the cock that rears, erect, before it, allows the attachment of a chain from which the phallus can be suspended, and, from the legs and the glans (that's dickhead, for you dickheads who didn't finish your grade school education) of the main phallus hangs small bells so that the phallus can be heard to tinkle.

Wickedpedia, the free online uncyclopedia that knows everything about everything (and everyone), has an article on the phallus entitled "Phallus." (Wickedpedia is extensive; some might even say exhaustive--or, indeed, exhausting--but it isn't all that original.) Mostly, the Wickedpedia article is pretty boring, though, explaining how phalli have been found in ancient India, Bhutan, Scandinavia, Japan, the Balkans, Switzerland, the Americas, and, as mentioned already (pay attention!) psychoanalysis. It is not as surprising as it might first seems that the phallus has been found throughout the world, for some specimens possess wings and obviously fly great distances, inseminating others of their kind in lands far from Greece and Rome, although, to date, the migratory habits of these creatures remains mostly a mystery that awaits federal funding and further research.

The Wickedpedia article does contain some interesting pictures, though, for dickheads who can't or don't like to read: a mural of Mercury with a phallus bigger than his legs (only a mural would have provided enough space to depict the messenger god's massive prick); some phalli disguised as wall hangings that make the Icelandic Phallological Museum well hung; a supine statue of Osiris with a hard-on; a herm who has retained his balls but lost his cock; and a plate by an Italian artist that is decorated with a head and neck that are composed of phalli, complete with an unfurled banner that bears the script "OGNI HOMO ME GUARDA COME FOSSE UNA TESTA DE CAZI ," which, translated into English so dickheads who didn't finish their elementary education can read, declares "Every man looks at me as if I were a dickhead." (Italian artists' sense of humor is "campy," too, or "gay," it seems.)

The Wickedpedia article also contains this amusing tidbit: "Romanian modernist sculptor Constantin Brâncuşi. . . . created a scandal in the Salon in 1919 when he represented or caricatured Princess Marie Bonaparte as a large gleaming bronze phallus. This phallus likely symbolizes Bonaparte's obsession with the penis and her lifelong quest to achieve vaginal orgasm."

In addition, the uncyclopedia links to other, related articles, such as the one concerning "Phallus paintings in Bhutan," which includes more X-rated illustrations, such as that of a phallus depicted upon a house in Bhutan: dark brownish-red, like the epidermises of the Bhutanese people themselves, the phallus is ithyphallic, or erect, and appears to be ejaculating (a wispy streamer, like smoke or the lines in comic strips that were supposed to represent various types of stenches, including body odor, rises from the tip of the glans); streamers (more semen?) encircle its shaft, and the scrotum is shown with hair--an unusual feature in phallic arts and crafts, where baldness seems to be preferred to the natural hirsute condition of actual penises. In lieu of printed menus, some restaurants' outer walls also display paintings of phalli: what's for dinner isn't exactly beef.

Note: This article was written as a public service to campy gay men, queer queens, and aspiring male-to-female transsexuals, or ladyboys-in-waiting. No actual penises, living or imaginary, were harmed in the writing of this article.

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byCal Y. Pygia© 0 comments/ 5525 views/ 0 favorites

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