Focus versus DilutionbyMaster_n_Mentor©
This is a topic that has a great deal of meaning to Me personally, and to My lovely submissive and wife. I have moved from one end of the spectrum (Dilution) to the very other end of it (Focus). My girl accepted the old Me, because of her love for Me as her husband, but was pushed very far away emotionally to protect herself. I wrote this essay more as a reassurance to Myself that I understand this portion of My journey within the lifestyle.
I must admit, that in the beginning of My journey I succumbed to the lure of the attention paid to Tops (I'll hold back the term Dominant and Master for someone that is in far stronger control of the "Self" than I showed as a Top myself) by a submissive or a bottom. The submissive's siren song drew Me ever so close to the reefs in an attempt to destroy that which I all ready had. I let Myself feel the strong pull of what I call now, My teenage crush mentality. Once I understood both ends of the spectrum I started to move further and further to the "Focus" end, and as a result the relationship with My submissive has significantly grown: Now W/we explore deeper and deeper into our inner selves with and for E/each O/other.
To explain further what I mean and what I believe I've found out, let me first start with simple definitions of these two words, so that everyone will understand the point from where I'm kicking of this article.
Focus: to cause to be concentrated <focused their attention on the most urgent problems>
Dilution: a lessening of real value (as of equity) by a decrease in relative worth.
The journey through life seldom allows Me to take the lessons that other's have learned and shared. No, that would be too simple for Me. In the journey that started some 48 years ago, a hemisphere away, I always had to test the boundaries. I had to see things for Myself and that's the only way I could internalize a lesson. Studying engineering was much the same way for Me. I always had to take things apart, figure out how they worked, and put them back together. At first I ended up with many parts that I had no idea where they went. But, as time went on, building on the lessons learned (and punishments taken) I figured out how to get every part back in place and made things that didn't work; work again.
In all these early lessons I found that if I could focus My attention I was always able to get things to work out the way that I intended them to. The opposite is also true. I learned that if I allowed My attention to be diluted (spread far and wide) I could not predict what the outcome would be. Sometimes, by shear luck (I'm certain you've heard the old saying "it is better to lucky than good") things worked out but other times - and I have to admit more often than not - things ended up a complete mess.
The difference, of course, is the focusing effect of My mind on the task at hand. Luck is always a part, but to Me luck has always been a two part proposition: Preparation and Opportunity. If you are prepared, then when (and if) the opportunity arises then you can make the most of it. But, if you are not prepared, then when the opportunity arises you are left to nothing more than your ability to think on your feet, and random chance. I choose not to live My life simply based on randomness of events.
In the last several months, I've learned a new (Old to many) lesson as it applies to this wonderful lifestyle of O/ours. When a Master / Dominant is granted the gift of a submissive's hand, he must focus his attention: Fully. To lack such focus is to diminish, whether intentionally or unintentionally, the gift so lovingly given by the submissive to her Master / Dominant. It dilutes the value of the gift in ways that I had no comprehension.
What does a submissive give (or attempts to give) to her Master / Dominant? It is my belief that a submissive gives undivided attention, her trust, and her completely unguarded love to Him. I'm sure many a submissive will help me here and further elaborate on what they are giving. But for the purpose of this ARTICLE please allow me to expand on just these three gifts.
Attention is the first thing W/we all react to. I'm no psychologist, so I seek those among us who are to elaborate on this point if you would. The attention W/we give each other (whether vanilla or Lifestyler) during the early courtship is the fuel that feeds the fire in our heart and in our mind. If the attention is returned, and the focus is maintained, then the relationship progresses further. If, at this critical first step, W/we allow our attention to be diluted between many people, then W/we fail on this step in building a relationship and it never moves to the "trust" level. It can't. How could it, if O/one devotes their attention, and the other only gives back ten or twenty percent back.
I've always thought that a relationship built first on communications, but as I started to think anew on this topic, I realized that it begins with attention. Once W/we've agreed (usually in an unspoken way) that we are giving and receiving the attention (please read "focus") W/we need, then we start to openly communicate. It is now safe to do so. As W/we begin to communicate we find whether or not W/we have the needed commonality to build a relationship.
Trust is a very fragile thing indeed. I wish it not so, but I have come to believe that to be true. This is where W/we open ourselves completely not only physically but emotionally. W/we tend to give trust easily at first, and then the actions, the attention, the focus W/we have for each other either strengthens it, or takes away from it. Trust is seldom if ever given forever; unquestioningly. Trust is tested every single day and if our attention is focused it builds and strengthens so that small faux pas won't destroy it; because the foundation has been given enough time to build strong and healthy.
Love starts out, some say, as a spark that ignites a blaze in our mind and our hearts. This blaze will not continue past the "crush or infatuation" stage if it does not have the other two pillars built upon a strong foundation. Love moves from this blaze to a more reliable and dependable fire only if properly nurtured by focusing on its value to both the Dominant and the submissive. Allowing O/oneself to be distracted by other's attention begins to dilute the attention, and with the dilution of attention comes the dilution of trust (as 1 is followed by 2), and once the attention and trust are diluted, the love begins to suffer and while it is probably the last ember to die in the fire, love too will morph into a mere shadow of its potential self.
While it is possible to have successful poly-amorous relationships in the BDSM lifestyle, I believe it takes a great deal of preparation by all involved, and only in the most special of opportunities does it build and grow. In most other cases, I believe (and know in My own life) that it leads to the dilution of attention to the key ingredients of a healthy relationship.
As a Master, striding hard to learn all the lessons I can, I like to use this essay as a way to help Me understand better what I am thinking and why I think it. I know that the only way for Me to further develop the true nature of O/our relationship, I must devote the My attention, My focus, into O/our relationship. To not do so will dilute the gift that I have been so wonderfully and freely given. I cannot accept the consequences of dilution as I've defined it, and as I have experienced it.
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Y/your public and private comments are greatly appreciated, they help Me, as well as others, learn