For Melanie T

Author's note -- This is an open letter to a woman I greatly desire. It begins with our reality and then delves into our fantasy. I hope she chooses to read it, so that she understands the truth.

For Melanie T.

I won't lie and say that I desired you from the first moment we met, although it was close. When I first met you I thought you were cute, a little goofy and full of energy. Definitely not a bad thing. However, I never really got to talk to you much during the conference in Niagara Falls, so I never really got to know you at all.

Once we got back to our regular work lives, and were both working in the same office, I got to know you much better. It didn't take long after that to feel my desire build. There is just something about you that I find captivating. I'm sure you noticed that I would take any opportunity I could to roll my chair over to your desk, sitting close to you to discuss an issue. Hoping for the occasional accidental brushing of an arm or leg.

We talked; I listened and asked questions, getting you to open up to me. I wanted to understand you, trying to see if I could learn what it was that was drawing me to you. At the time I was living out of a hotel, having not relocated yet. You lived in town but were dying to get back to the city. I think that opened up some of the possibilities that would go through my mind.

The first time I came over to your place, to watch Survivor, it was both fun and torturous at the same time. I enjoyed talking with you, listening to you and just being next you. We sat close on the couch, our legs stretched out, touching. I knew at that point that I desired to be with you. When I went to leave, and we said goodbye at the door, we ended up talking for another 30 minutes or more. I lost track of the time.

All I know is that I wanted nothing more than to pull you close and kiss you deeply. Looking into your sharp blue eyes, seeing your slightly parted lips, the way you adjusted your hair behind your left ear. It pulled me in and made me want more. However, I didn't kiss you, well, we did hug goodnight and I kissed your forehead before I even realized what I was doing. And with that I left for the night.

It was a couple of weeks before I ended up at you place again. We had talked about getting together to watch survivor every Thursday, however, that never worked out. It was after your car accident coming back into town. I was thinking about you that weekend and I wanted to call you to say be careful driving back. I didn't. I think I was afraid of the thoughts I was having.

I was so relieved that you were not hurt in the accident, although I know just how shaken up you were. I wanted to hold you when I first saw you that day, to comfort you, to let you know everything was alright. I didn't. I can be very reserved when it comes to feelings and anything that may seem inappropriate. Given that we worked together, not to mention the fact that I'm married, it wouldn't have been proper. My feelings be damned.

I offered to come over and cook you dinner one night. I would have done it that night except my wife was in town. I said I'd come cook the next night. The following day, I was all set to cook you a great dinner. However, it would be delayed again. Our co-worker's church was having a pancake supper, so we went to that instead. It was a nice meal, just not what I had in mind.

After the dinner we went back to your place, you invited another co-worker as well. I instantly felt disappointed. And then happy again when he said no, he couldn't. We went back to your place to play Guitar Hero. We never did end up playing. We talked for a while, watch some TV, but you were tired. You still hadn't recovered from your scare with the accident. I understood and we went to say goodnight again.

As with before, we stood at the door for 30 minutes or more. Again I wanted nothing more that to lean in a kiss you deeply. Again, I didn't. I did commit to coming back the next night to cook you dinner. So with that I left a happy man.

The next evening after work, I stopped and picked up what I needed for the meal. I was excited and nervous, as if it was a first date. I got back to the hotel, showered and changed and then you called. You were running late and wanted to delay supper for an hour. That was fine, I was afraid you were going to cancel all together.

I finally arrived, I think before 7, and we got right into cooking. You made some nice tortilla chips and I got started on the pasta. I cooked and we talked and chatted. I can't remember half the stuff we discussed. I just remember enjoying my time with you. We ate, the meal was okay. I wasn't that happy with the result, but you said you enjoyed it so I was still happy.

After dinner we cleaned up and sat on the couch, talked a little more, watched some TV. Again it wasn't long before you were tired and needed to get some sleep. I knew you hadn't been sleeping well, so I understood. We went to say goodnight, and again, it was a long goodbye at the door. I do remember me saying something about not sleeping well at hotels and you said I could stay there. I wanted to say yes, instead I said, no, it wouldn't be a good idea as I still wouldn't get any sleep, just for a different reason. You laughed.

We hugged goodbye again, I had my hands full, so I put the stuff down and we hugged again. This time a little longer. We looked into each other eyes. I wanted to kiss you; I wanted to feel your lips pressed against mine. Instead, we broke the hug and I turned to leave. I opened the door and stopped. I let the door close, dropped my stuff again and hugged you once more. This time I leaned in to kiss you, hesitantly, slowly.

I could see that you wanted to kiss, that you wanted more, however, you stopped me. You said we couldn't and for all the right reasons. You didn't date people at work and the whole me being married thing. I knew the reasons why we shouldn't but the desire didn't go away. I said I understood, which I did, and I finally left. That would be the last time I was at your house for months.

Afterwards, I continued on with everyday life as if those feelings weren't there. They were easy to ignore, unless I was near you. I enjoyed our time together; even if it was just being in the same office. Not too long after our work relationship changed as well. I was now going to be supervising your work for one area. That added yet another reason to the list of why we shouldn't act on our feelings (at least I hope they are shared feelings).

Once you started to work in the city more often, I got to see you less and less. I still tried to talk to you (even if just on-line) every day. I knew I would be into the city on a regular basis to see how your work was going. I looked forward to those days. In particular lunch time.

Lunch is the one time we really get to talk, at least during the work day. The first lunch we went had you asked me if I thought about the last time I was at your house and that you hope it did create any awkward feelings. I wanted to tell you the truth, however, I just went with no, it didn't bother me. I enjoy the relationship we have and didn't want to damage it.

Shortly after that, another day on the way to lunch, you mentioned that you had met a new guy. My initial reaction was, I'm too late, I missed my chance. My second, almost as quick reaction was, good, I'm happy for you. Obviously I verbally expressed my second thought. Through our talks I knew what you were looking for and despite my sometimes selfish thoughts (thinking only of my desires); I know I can't offer you what you want, what you deserve, at least not any time soon.

I know that you want someone to share your life with, you want someone that appreciates you and what you have to offer, someone to love and to love you in return, someone to have a family with and someone you can just be yourself with. I know I'm not in a position to meet those needs, all I can offer, at the moment, is an affair. I know that's not fair to you, although it doesn't stop me from thinking about it or wanting it.

I could offer you some fun, some satisfaction, a way of dealing with some of your more personal needs. I'm sure it would be fun and exciting and passionate, however, I also know it wouldn't be complete. Again, it doesn't stop me from wanting it. But I'm a good responsible man, so I do the right thing, or maybe that's do what's expected of me.

Time moves on, we chat, you ask me about what guys mean when they do certain things, I want to lie and tell you something that will make you want to drop the new guy, I don't. I give an honest opinion, not wanting to cause any damage to what could be a good thing, while still being a friend and looking out for you.

Time moves on, we're having lunch. You tell me about your last encounter with the new guy. I'm furious inside, what the hell was the guy thinking. He's in a position I would love to be in and he throws it all away. It never ceases to amaze me how stupid some men can be. I'm happy with how you handled the situation, it increases my attraction to you, it builds on my feelings. The fact that you are single and available seems a cruel irony to me in many ways.

Time moves on, I'm at your house. Your plans are moving ahead to move permanently back to the city. It saddens me that you are leaving town, but it gives me an opportunity to come over to help out. I'll take advantage of anytime I can spend with you. We do work in the yard, you ask me in for a drink when we're done. Of course I say yes.

We talk, we chat, we relax. Our talk becomes more personal. I enjoy getting a chance to really know you. I ask about your relationship with an old boyfriend, some of what I heard before worried me. I'd hate to think he was taking advantage of you, or making you feel bad about yourself. I should've known I didn't need to worry. You are stronger than you think.

I ask about your relationship with your best friend, something mentioned at lunch previously intrigue me. How did you end up in a threesome with her? Ahh, the visions I had about that situation. I loved your response and how you handled it.

We're at the door again, saying goodbye. Again time drags on, 10, 20, 30 minutes. Finally I get the courage to say something I wanted to say before, when you asked me at lunch about the attempted kiss. I told you the truth. There was one thing I regretted about that night at your place, the fact that I hesitated. When I think about that night (and I still do on occasion), that's what gets me. It would be nice to act freely on my feelings, to not worry about the consequences of my actions, to just seize the moment.

Unfortunately, that's not who I am. I'm reserved, I think things through, I understand the repercussions of my actions before I act. That being said, I still tried to kiss you, but I think the right moment had passed. You say I shouldn't feel bad about it, or think about it that way. I said, I thought it was important that you know the truth. And that I understand all the reasons why we didn't. And that it didn't stop me from wanting it none the less.

That night there is no hug goodnight, you give me your hand. I'm not going to shake hands; I turn it and kiss the back of you hand. The feeling is grand. I say goodnight and leave, before I do something I'll really regret.

Time moves on, I'm at your house again. Someone's coming to see the place so I offer to help you get tidied up. I bring over some boxes, knowing you'll be leaving soon. We straighten up the house and move some things around. I help you go through old papers. We chat. Nothing exciting, yet at the same time thoroughly enjoyable.

I pick up a burgundy bag, without looking inside, I guess what it is. I hold the bag up and show it too you. You get a slight flush, and take the bag. Then you decide to show me what it is. You pull out the handcuffs first, I laugh, but I'm oddly not surprised. The anal beads and butt plug surprise me a bit more. You said you tried the beads but never the other. Anal play just isn't your thing.

We talk about the handcuffs a bit, you said you like them to spice things up but they haven't been used in a while. You talk about one time that your parents found them attached to the straps on your bed (you used to have two pairs). I laugh, although my mind is filled with very different thoughts. You show me the box that use to be your favorite toy and explained what happened to it. I can see the benefit of having a vibrator with a remote. And again how your parents found it. I laugh, but again my mind is filled with different thoughts.

I take the cuffs and put them around your wrist, I pause briefly about what I want to do next. I drop my first thought and instead connect the other half to my wrist. Joined together at last, just not quite the way I would have chosen first. The cuffs are quickly put away, probably for the best. We continue with our cleaning. I get up to move a couple bags of papers and other things (including your toys) upstairs. I pause, something just crossing my mind.

So, what's your new favorite toy? You flush slightly again, and get up to show me. You keep it in the bathroom downstairs. It's a realistic looking vibrating dildo. It feels very flesh like. You felt it was worth the extra money. I suggest you put it upstairs with the other items as people tend to open medicine cabinets when looking at a house. You hand me the box and I take it upstairs. I envy the toy as various thoughts race through my mind.

Eventually we go to say goodnight. The familiar pattern emerging. You mention that you feel naked from having told me so much about your self. I said that's not a bad thing, I like the thought of you naked. You flush slightly and dismiss the compliment. I say that you shouldn't, that you are quite attractive. I then decide to tell you something to even the score a little.

When talking about the cuffs earlier, I mentioned something about being tied up with shirts. I also mentioned that it wasn't with my wife. I didn't give you any sort of timeline though. At the door, I mentioned who it was with, and where. I talked a little bit about her. Your questions were all about where we did it while in China. I told you a few of the more exciting locations.

You felt better, not feeling as exposed. We say goodnight, you give me a hug. I look into your eyes. We hold it for what seems an eternity. I lean I to kiss you. No hesitation this time. You pull back, then move in again, before finally stopping me. Again we stopped for the right reasons; again I still wish we hadn't. I make sure that night that you know I'm not sorry I tried, and that I understood why we didn't.

You mentioned about a work romance that didn't go well, and how hard that was on you. I wanted to just tell you that one bad experience shouldn't stop you from exploring your feelings. I wanted to say I'm not that person. I didn't. I said I understood, which I did. I knew that I couldn't offer you everything you deserved, so I didn't try to break down your resistance. Instead I said goodnight and kissed you on the cheek, letting you know in advance.

We hugged again before I left; I kissed your cheek again. I wanted to place my hands softly on you head, pull you into me and kiss you deeply, but I restrained my desires. I said goodnight and left. The next day we ate lunch together; we just sat in my office and ate. It was nice. No mention of the prior night, just two friends enjoying each others company.

Your showing didn't happen that night and you headed into the city. I was happy that my initial reaction was the appropriate one. I was disappointed for you as I know how badly you want to get back into town and that the house is what's holding you back. You can't really afford to maintain a house here and pay for an apartment in town. My second thought, which closely followed the first, was slightly more selfish.

I thought, good, at least it will give me more opportunities to go to your house to help out. More opportunities to spend time with you, away from work. I was a little ashamed of the second thought, but then again, I don't tend to place much value on my own feelings.

I can envision the next time I'm over to your place to help out. I can feel the tension, the desire. I can picture our conversation turning more personal, I ask you a pointed question. What do you use for mental stimulation while using your new favorite toy? Do you just imagine? Do you watch porn or look at pictures? Do you read erotic stories? I don't know what your response will be; regardless I suggest you go to literotica.com. It's a great site I say, it's what I use. Besides, that's where I post my stories.

I suggest you look up stories by Lomar2. I tell you that if you read them, use the feedback option to send me a note, just include something in the note so I know its you. I want to know if you've read them. What I don't tell you is that this story will be there by the time you check it out (if you've chosen to check it out). I tell you to keep in mind that the stories are just that, stories. They're meant to arouse and excite, they're not true stories. I also tell you that some of the stories are of a potentially more offense nature, and just because I wrote them doesn't mean I would ever behave that way or would even think that way in real life. My comments intrigue you, I can tell.

What I never told you was how I agonized over whether or not to tell you about the site and my stories, for fear of what you may think. In the end I tell you. I figured they are what they are. Why hide something from you, if they offend you, they offend you. I want a reaction from you afterwards; it may as well be based on the truth. Anyway, I picture that next visit ending the same way as usual. A long conversation at the door; me wanting to kiss you deeply. We hug goodnight, it's a lingering hug. We look deeply into each others eyes. I lean in and kiss your cheek, then say goodnight.

I could have tried to kiss you again, this time you may not have stopped me. However, its already getting late and we just don't have the time for anything more than a kiss. Besides, I'm not sure I could take another "no, we can't". So I don't put you into a situation where you have to stop me. I drive home, wondering if you are going to check out my stories. Wondering if I'll get an e-mail from you.

There are many things I would like to tell you directly, many things I would like to show you and many things I would like us to experience together. Unfortunately, it would seem that it is highly unlikely those things will come to be. So instead of an unlikely reality, I want to take you through a fantasy. Consider it a look at what might be if our circumstances were different than what they are, or what could be if circumstances, or mindsets, change.

In a perfect world, here's what would happen during my next visit to your house. This is what I've always imagined would happen; this is what I desire to happen. This is entirely about what I want to do to you, how I want to please you, to satisfy you.

I arrive at you house around 6:30, as we agreed. I'm slightly nervous and anxious, the same as usual. I'm happy to spend the time with you, and I've gotten better at keeping my desires in check. I've told myself that I will not make any further attempts to act on those desires. If something is to happen, you'll have to make the first move. I ring the door bell, I hear you coming, the door opens and I smile.

You answer the door wearing sweat pants and a tank top. The shirt highlights your breasts quite nicely. I take a look, making no move to conceal my gaze, yet I don't linger too long. "You look great, as usual" I comment as I enter the house. You smile but say nothing. You close the door behind me and lock it. You seem different, slightly nervous yourself.