Forever and Ever

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Will Jackie's love withstand his deceitful ways?
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Jackie looked at the clock as she lay there in bed holding her pillow tightly against her bosom. She felt so broken hearted, depressed and alone. As she lay their thinking back to the events that had led her to this point in her life, she cried hysterically. The room blurred as her mind floated off to a far away place as the details went through her mind.

It all started when she met him via the internet on that fateful day, October 11,2001. At that time in her life she was still married. Although her marriage was terrible. Her husband was an alcoholic and their life together had technically been over for several years. They had basically lived in a catatonic state around one another for what seemed to be ages. Rarely speaking, other than to argue. Ignoring each other as much as possible, which made if very easy for Jackie to begin her internet love affair with Leonard.

The relationship between them grew stronger as they corresponded and chatted for hours every day. It seemed no time at all had passed when Jackie fell deeply in love with Leonard. When, in reality it had actually been months before she realized just how deep the feelings she had for him, really were. He was everything she had ever wanted in a man. As time went on she felt she needed to end her marriage because of her love for him. Plus he had asked her to marry him which made her heart feel as if it were going to burst with joy.

She knew that it wasn't fair to continue in her marriage, with the fact that she loved another man hanging over their heads. So one evening she decided to tell her husband that she wanted a divorce. After explaining her reasons for wanting the break up, he simply stared at her for a few moments. Then not surprisingly, he agreed and left immediately.

Quite some time passed before she found out that he also was having an affair. Within a few weeks he moved in with his girlfriend. Although, that stung Jackie’s heart a bit, in a strange way she was relieved that he had been with someone on the side. A sense of relief came over her when she found out because it took away some of the hidden guilt she had about being in love with Leonard, while still married.

But, as time passed she began to have doubts that Leonard was being solely honest with her. He would tell her one thing, then contradict himself the next day. As her doubt grew, she began to confront him about his dishonesty. That was when he began to disappear offline for weeks. She would send him email after email, waiting to hear something... anything. The smallest sign that he was still alive and hadn’t been killed in a freak accident. Each time he pulled the vanishing act, he would reappear weeks later with some lame excuse. But always acting as if he had done no wrong.

This game quickly grew old to Jackie. Each time he did it, she swore that she would never believe anything he said again. Within moments of each reappearance, she would forgive him. No matter how pathetic his excuse. As you’re reading this you may be asking yourself, “Why did she forgive him so easily?” That answer is simple, the love in her heart was so strong, that in her eyes, Leonard could do no wrong. So when he did wrong her, she immediately brushed it aside and filled her heart with thoughts of love and forgiveness. After all this is what she had been taught her whole life, ‘Forgive and Forget. Love one another. Treat others as you wish to be treated.’

More than anything, Jackie adored Leonard for being such a loving, caring, considerate man, which he always was when he stayed in contact with her. She longed to hear those three words from him, “I Love You Jackie.” She often dreamed of when the day would finally arrive that she would get to hear and see him say those words to her face. They planned many weekend getaways, in which they would finally meet and consummate their relationship.

But something always happened to interfere with their plans. At first, Jackie made excuses for each new lie he told her. Justifying it by reminding herself of all the reasons that she loved him so much. Even though she slowly found out that almost everything he had ever told her was lies, she still love him deeply. It seemed to be a repeating cycle, each time he swore his love to her and promised that he would not leave her, he would do just the opposite. With each moment of heart ache and every tear drop that cascaded down her face, her love still grew for him. She was determined to never let her love for him die.

That all changed three days before what would have been the one year anniversary of their first meeting. He sent her a message telling her to meet him at the airport because he was coming there to prove his love to her. Jackie was overcome with tears of happiness. “At last he is coming to be with me!”, She shouted out loud. Her heart raced rapidly as adrenalin pumped through her blood stream. She was so excited that she could not sit still. Realizing that she would not be able to rest again, until Leonard was in her arms, she busied herself with mundane chores in the hopes that time would pass quickly.

When it was finally time to go to the airport, her hands shook so much that she had trouble starting her car. She took several minutes to calm herself down before backing out of the driveway. “How horrible it would be for Leonard to travel all this way, and me not show up because I had an accident from being to nervous to drive.”, She thought.

Jackie drove for two and a half hours to the airport. After the long walk to the terminal, she settled into a chair, to wait for his flight to arrive. She was so happy and content that the man she felt was her soul mate was finally coming to her that she could not stop smiling. Time seemed to be going slower than ever as she waited for the intercom to crackle, announcing that his flight had landed. When at last the plane landed and parked at the walkway, she leapt out of her seat. Pushing her way through the crowd, she found a place to stand where she would be able to make eye contact with him very easily. She had often dreamed of the moment that their eyes would meet across a crowded room. They would stare into each others souls and know how deep one anothers love was.

Her heart seemed to skip a beat each time she saw a man resembling Leonard’s photo, walked toward her. But as they got closer she realized it wasn’t him. The impatience she was feeling soon grew to anxiety when she saw no one else coming up the hallway that led from the plane. She walked over to the stewardess and said, “Excuse me, I’m waiting for a gentleman to get off the plane. Could you check on him for me?” The woman turned to look at her and replied, “Sorry ma’am. All the passengers have left the plane. Perhaps he is picking up his baggage.”

A numb feeling came over Jackie as the woman’s words sunk into her heart like a knife. She knew he wasn’t picking up his luggage, using the restroom, in the snack bar or anything else for that matter. He had lied to her again. The realization that he had played her for a fool once again, hit her with the force of a train wreck. Her knees began to buckle and the room blurred into an unrecognizable blob as sobs of grief wrenched her body.

Collapsing into a nearby chair, she cried so loud that many passer-by’s gave her concerned looks. “Why me? What did I ever do to deserve this?”, Jackie sobbed into her hands. Her chest hurt so severely that she thought her heart was going to burst from the pain. At that moment, she wouldn’t have cared one way or the other if she had died on the spot. She cried for at least an hour before finding the strength to walk back to her car. On the drive home, her mind was so far away, that later on she did not remember how she got in her driveway.

She locked herself in her bedroom and cried for another hour before deciding to see if she could catch Leonard online. “Maybe something happened.”, She thought. Then quickly dismissed it and said, “No. This is just another one of his damn lies!” Logging onto yahoo, she checked Leonard’s profile. He had changed it to say that he had died. That seemed to be a subtle message to her, saying that he had changed his id once and for all. “ God! How can I be so stupid and naive? Why do I keep falling for his shit over and over again?”, She screeched.

It was two weeks later that she finally caught him online. She sent him a note on his instant messenger that said, " Who’s heart are you breaking now? Or do you even have a heart?". Not expecting a response, she nearly jumped out of her seat when he replied, "Maybe your right and I don’t have a heart." Anger filled Jackie as she typed, “Oh my God! How could you do this to me? Did you ever love me Leonard? Or was that another one of your pathetic lies?" It was several minutes before he replied. When he finally responded, he said, " I did and still do love you, Jackie." Determined not to back down or fall for his sweet talking again, she said, "Then how could you do that to me? Do you realize how humiliated I was at that airport, standing there waiting for you after every one had already left the plane?"

Again he stalled by waiting several long minutes before replying, "Jackie, this is the last time you will see me online. My life is a such a mess now. I am leaving for Minnesota in a few weeks to start a new life. I won’t make any more promises to you, so you will never have to cry again. But remember this, if you never believe anything else I say after you read these words, I need you to believe me when I say that I do love you Jackie. That is the truth". His words landed on her heart like a ton of bricks. “Noooooo!!!!!!!” She wailed as she typed, "I still love you Leonard. Please don’t leave me! ".

He replied , "I have to go. Maybe if I come back someday and you are still here, then we can be together". Then he was gone in a flash. He had signed offline, leaving her feeling as if her heart had shredded into pieces. Despair and agony overwhelmed her as she continued screaming, "Noooooo! " over and over again as she slid to the end of the bed and stood up.

Hardly being able to walk for the tears that were blinding her, she made her way to the bathroom. Reaching into the medicine cabinet ,she pulled out her bottle of pain medication. Then she turned back to her bed. She sat counting the pills in the bottle, one... two, three... continuing until thirteen of them lay in the palm of her hand. Each symbolizing the number of months she had loved Leonard. She collapsed against the bed, hugging her pillow to her bosom as she drifted off to a deep sleep.

Awaking hours later with pills still in her hand, she realized what she had almost done. Thoughts of how devastated her family would have been if she had done such a foolish thing, poured through her mind. Looking over at the night stand, she saw her granddaughter’s smiling face peering at her from the picture frame that incased her favorite photo. She dropped the pills in the trash can, picking up the photo, holding it close to her chest, “ Oh my God! I’m so sorry. I will never think of doing such a stupid thing again. I'll never let another man make me feel this way, again. I promise.” She said, kissing the photo, before rolling over and falling back to sleep, clutching it tightly so as to remind herself how fortunate her life really was. As she was overcome by sleep, she told herself... “Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life......”

To be Continued

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