Forgiveness, Just Another F Word

"I need to show you something in my room. I brought it all the way from home," she said with a huge smile.

When we were just outside her room, she started to come on hot and heavy and my resistance started to wane.

"Fran, I can't, at least not now; maybe soon though," I said this time with a smile on my face.

"Well, you can't blame a girl for trying," she said opening the motel room door. "You're really going to like this though," she said turning on the light.

There stood Linda looking at me.

"Sorry about the deception, but she hired me to see if, once a cheater always a cheater, was true in your case."

That was about all she got out of her mouth.

"So still pulling the fucking string Linda," I yelled. "And Fran, what would have happened if I'd decided to come up to your damn room last time? Would you have gone through it, taken one for the team? But I guess that would have made you a whore instead of a conniving bitch," I said as I turned around and stormed out. I guess that wasn't what either of them had expected.

"Mom, did you know about this?"

"You mean about Linda wanting to see you? Yes I did, she talked to me when she dropped off the kids this morning."

"And the fucking games she's been playing on me?"

There was silence on the other end of the phone; I hung up.

I was at work early on Wednesday. I shut my door and told my secretary, no calls and no visitors. I skipped lunch and decided to hit the gym after work. I didn't just hit the gym; I kicked the shit out of it until I could barely stand up. The shower brought me back to life but I was still pissed.

Fran was waiting for me at my car.

"I'm sorry ok? It was my job to check you out. You don't know how many scumbags there are out there."

"And how many fucking bitches?" I replied.

"All right I guess I owe you that one. She just wanted to be sure, that's all."

"Sure about what? That she broke me and cut me to the core? That even though I fucked up she never once gave me the chance to explain and ask for forgiveness. How about cleaning out our bank accounts and then turning her lawyer loose on me? And the final insult, telling me I had to pay her to see my kids. Did I want to see her? Yes, but to close the book on my past life so I could start again," I shouted at her. "I thought you were kind of special, guess I'm still bad at reading people."

"Steve, just talk to her; what do you have to lose? She told me to tell you she's not leaving until you talk to her."

I let her stew for two days; I owed that much to myself. The three of us met at a quiet restaurant.

"Steve, I'm sorry about all this, but I had to know," Linda said more than a little sheepishly.

"Why didn't you call and just ask me if I was fucking everything with a skirt," I said more than a little angry. "Oh, that's right, you refused to talk to me. So Linda, how many revenge fucks have you had over the last year and a half? With a sweet ass body like yours they must have been lined up halfway down our driveway. Learn any new tricks? You could have at least sent me a video to rub the salt in the open wounds you left me with," I said peppering her.

"Steve, are you about through? Got any more digs left? When you're finished let me know so we can eventually have a grownup conversation," Fran said looking at me, and then Linda who looked awe struck at my attack.

"I guess that's all for now," I said finishing my drink and ordered another.

"Steve, you hurt me. You can't imagine how much you hurt me. You were the last person in the world I expected to be a cheater. I guess when you told me I kind of lost it but can you blame me? What would you have done if you were in my shoes?" How about if I'd cheated on you? Would you have welcomed me back to your bed with open arms? I doubt that very much. I guess my attorney went a little crazy, but he was only out to protect my and our kid's interests. Steve, I wasn't working and when the money was starting to run out I got scared."

"Linda you could have talked to me."

"No I couldn't, I was still angry."

"So you just released the hounds of hell on me. Now I know why there are so many pissed off ex-husbands out there. I would have supported my kids, but you wanted and got your pound of flesh. By the way, do you still have the house?"

"I managed, with the help of my parents, to keep it along with the car. I was thankful when you started sending money."

"But not thankful enough to let me see my kids or pick up the fucking phone and call me?"

"If you'll remember, you left without anyway of getting hold of you."

"Bull shit, you could have talked to mom, she would have gotten word to me. You found a way to track me down anyway," I said now looking at Fran. "Well, you got your money's worth, she sure is good. Hell, I even thought she liked me, stupid me."

"Sorry about that; but I had to be sure."

"Well, you've got your answers, I've got mine so why don't you give me the fucking papers so I can sign them and end this charade of what use to be a marriage so we can both go on about our lives."

"Aren't you the least interested about our kids or why I'm here?"

"Mom tells me about the kids and I couldn't care less why you're here."

"Don't you at least want to see your kids?"

"More than ever, but I figured that if I came back, you'd have me thrown in jail; so I stayed away."

"Steve, I never would have done that."

"Yeah right, so says the woman who refused to let me see them until I deposited my paycheck into your account and slapped me with a restraining order; by the way, that was a nice touch I never expected."

"Steve, like I said, I was afraid that you weren't going to support us. I didn't have a choice."

"Linda, you never even gave me a chance. Hell, you never gave us a chance. I've thought about what happened a million times. Would I do it again? Not on your life. Would I have kept my mouth shut knowing what I know now? Not really. You see I couldn't live with what I did to you. It was eating me up and in the end I couldn't live with the lie any more. So, I killed a good marriage and have been paying everyday since that night. Well, now that we've got all the "I'm sorrys" out of the way we can get on with our lives. Don't ask me to be your friend, because I don't have that in me. I loved you too much and couldn't bare it to watch you move on. So I plan on staying here and making a new life for myself. I'll see my kids when I can and we'll all learn to live with it."

"To answer you question, I've gone out with a few guys but like you haven't slept with any of them if you're interested."

"Damn girl, you must be going nuts. I remember how much you use to like sex with me. At least now you can shag the next guy you meet."

"We didn't have sex, we made love and yes I miss that a lot; more than you can imagine."

"Well enough of the sex talk, I'm starting to get horny as hell. You missed out Fran, I would have made the earth move for you, you can ask my wife; she never complained."

"What would you say if I asked if you wanted to try again? You know, to see if there was anything left between us?" Linda said to me out of the blue.

"Why? Why now? Have you forgiven me? I doubt that very much. And besides, if I give my job up to move home and it doesn't work, I'll have to start all over again; I don't have that in me any more."

"I talked to Dan, and he says you can have your old job back with all the seniority you had when you left."

"When did you talk to Dan?"

"Three weeks ago."

"Steve, I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but I'm willing to take another shot at it. I want to have what we once had and I think we can get there again. Wouldn't you want another shot at it, with me and the kids?" Linda asked.

"If you would have asked me six months ago I would have jumped at the chance. It's just that in my mind I've moved on. It was hard, but I came to the conclusion that what I had was gone and for my own sanity I had to get my head around it. Give me a day or two to think about it and to talk to Dan."

"I guess that's all I can ask for at this point. But, think about what we could have again."

I spent the next three days on the phone before taking a plane home to meet with Dan. He was happy to see me and was overjoyed at the prospect of me coming back.

"I couldn't find anyone to fill your shoes and I heard you are doing a bang up job at Apex Industries. It shocked the shit out of me when Linda came by to talk to me about you moving back. When she asked if I'd consider taking you back I told her in a heart beat."

We talked but Dan was surprised at what I was making now and what I'd need to come back. He said he wasn't authorized to go that high but would let me know in a couple of days. I was staying with my parents and it was a little tense the first day.

"I'm sorry, Linda made me promise not to say a word to you. I guess she'd been planning it for a couple of months after she found you; and no I didn't rat you out, she found you on her own. Just smile and go see your kids, they know you are in town."

I went over to my old house and rang the bell. I saw them look out the window, fling the door open and run into my arms. They cried, I cried and we were on the front step for at least ten minutes. After that it was non-stop talking about every detail that had happened to them over the last year. They didn't ask the one question I thought they would right away but I guess they were afraid of my answer. They did ask finally if I was moving back home."

"Not sure yet guys, but no matter what happens, I plan on seeing you a lot more from now on. I never even noticed Linda looking on as she watched from the kitchen."

"You didn't have to ring the bell, it's still your house too."

"Linda, the last time I came here, I was escorted away by two policemen, remember?" That brought a look of remembrance to her face. "Is the restraining order still in effect?" That brought another worried look to her face.

"Steve, I don't have a clue? When I put everything on hold, I don't know if it applied to that also; I'll have to check into that."

The house was the same but the yard looked a little rough. Everything looked exactly as the day I left with the exception of a new gas stove. It was like I'd stepped back in time and was coming home after a day at work, but I knew it wasn't real, not yet anyway.

"Steve, you want to stay for dinner? We're having chicken with all the trimmings." There was no way my kids were going to let me say no. They even conned me into helping them set the table while Linda looked on.

All through dinner the kids kept jabbering to me about anything and everything. It finally dawned on me what they were doing. They weren't sure when they'd see me again so they were making up for both lost time and trying to show me how happy they were to see me. The kids are always put in the middle in something like this, and though it isn't fair it is a fact of life.

They continued nonstop until it was bedtime. Linda told them that it was time to call it a night and that their dad would tuck them in. I kissed them both and told them that I loved them. I gave them both a big hug.

"Great kids," I said walking into the kitchen.

"They've missed you."

"I know, and I'm sorry about that," I said standing there not knowing what to do next.

"You want a cup of coffee? I can make some if your interested," Linda asked.

"I talked to Dan today and told him what I needed to come back. He's not sure if he can match my new salary but should have an answer for me in a couple of days. Besides that how are you doing?" I asked.

"You know, handling it day by day. I am working part time as a cashier at the grocery store. It gives me a little extra money and gets me out of the house while the kids are at school. You thought any more about what we talked about?"

"Well, I checked with Dan, talked with my parents but I suppose yours are still angry with me."

"I guess they're as angry with me as they are with you. After you talked with them we had a little falling out. I didn't want to hear what they thought because I thought I knew best. They told me that this mess was your fault, but I didn't help matters by what I did."

"That's about what my dad told me more than once. Mom is mom and loves me no matter what I do but just feels sorry for our kids."

"Where do we stand? Are you considering giving it another shot?"

"Linda, I'd love to see us back where we were but I don't know if it's possible anymore. You'll always think of me as a cheater and though you may eventually forgive me, you'll still always wonder when I go out of town if I'm cheating on you again."

"Steve, that's why I hired Fran. She came highly recommended as someone who could find out if your spouse would cheat. When she met you, she wasn't sure about you and even on the last date she thought she could still get you into bed; and no she doesn't sleep with the guys. She said she was going to give it one more shot when I flew down with her but you shut her down; she was impressed. We never expected you to unload on us like you did. I thought you'd be happy to see me but after you stormed out I realized what it looked like. I guess I did set you up. I'm sorry, but I had to be sure. I didn't want to open myself up only to have it happen all over again. And no, Steve, all the talking in the world couldn't convince me; I had to see it with my own eyes, that you wouldn't jump at the first woman who showed you any interest."

"And how about you? You've been dating for what, the last nine months? How can I believe that you didn't sleep with every Tom, Dick and Harry? Maybe I should have hired a Fran or Frank, so to speak, to check you out. Like I said, a year and a half is a long time to go without. I married my right hand shortly after we broke up but how about you?"

"I've got a few partners in my night stand to take off the edge and I'd be lying to say that I didn't think about it more than once with a few of the guys I dated; especially two of them."

"You date anyone I know?"

She was quiet for about a minute and then said that I'd know a few of them.

"Great, so if we ever got back together I'd have to wonder which one of my good buddies was trying to hit on you."

"Steve, that's the key word; tried. No one succeeded even getting to first base. A good night kiss is all they ever got. You've got to believe that."

"Well, now I have to ask myself the question, why not? Why didn't you go for the revenge fuck? Was it because you still loved me? I doubt that, but it must have been something big or you wouldn't have gone without all this time."

"If you must know, it was because I didn't want to be a cheater like you. I figured I wouldn't do what you did just to get back at you, so that's why I didn't let any of them take me to bed. I guess I was waiting for my divorce to be finalized before spreading my wings."

"So you took the moral high ground. I guess it was just another thing you could hold over me, you didn't cheat but I did even though you had the opportunity." We just looked at one another for the next couple of minutes.

"Steve, I'm not saying it 's going to be easy. It's probably going to be the hardest thing either one of has ever attempted and hell, we might last only two weeks before we say it's not worth it; but at least we'll be able to say we tried, and I do want to try only if you want to."

Linda, there is so much hurt on both sides I just can't see me coming back home, jumping back into your bed and things being what they were before."

"Who said anything about you sharing my bed? I'm nowhere near ready for that. We've got a lot of fence building before I invite you back to my bed. Also, I'm going to insist on outside counseling and a legal agreement going forward; something like a post nuptial. This way if something happens it's all spelled out."

"Like me cheating again, right?"

"If you want to put it that way, yes. I need to know I'm going to be covered. You can also put in it any concerns you have and then we'll get it notarized and go forward."

"I also want a blood test and a lie detector test done. This way there will be no surprises going forward."

"You want me to take a lie detector test to see if I screwed anyone?"

"Yes, and I'll take one also. Right now you don't trust me and Linda, I don't believe you totally. So after we both pass that, I guess we'll have an outside shot at making it. You have your lawyer draw up the agreement and I'll have mine review it. It shouldn't take too long to get the details worked out."

"Steve, it sounds like we're entering into a contract of some sort instead of trying to rebuild our marriage?"

"In a way we are, a marriage contract," I told her.

"All right, let's get the details worked out so we can start. I'll set up the counseling sessions and we'll be ready to go when you move back home."

"Only after Dan agrees and we get the rest of the details worked out." She gave me a scowl.

"Hey, you were the one that wants to be covered in case of something happening in the future and I'm just following your lead."

Dan came back with a matching offer, I sent my terms to her lawyer for the agreement and I passed the lie detector test on Thursday. I drove back for the weekend and much to Linda's dismay I stayed at my parent's house. We had a great weekend with the kids and I started to feel like we were a family again.

Her terms were unacceptable, again, but it didn't surprise me. I finally had to tell Linda to tell her lawyer to get with the program or we'd never get together.

"Linda, state guidelines are thirty percent for two kids; he's still asking for sixty percent." She agreed and finally came up with some thing I would sign.

What did surprise me was that Linda didn't pass her lie detectors test with flying colors. I guess she'd gone a little further with one guy than she told me. She didn't screw him but she'd gotten close.

"I didn't want to tell you because I knew you'd be pissed."

"Oh, so you just decided to lied to me instead? I guess its better to lie than hurt the other person, is that what you're saying? I guess that's what I should have done back then and we wouldn't be having this conversation."

"Steve, it wasn't with anyone you know if that makes it any easier."

"Who was it Linda?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yes, it does. I don't want to spend the next thirty years looking at every guy wondering if he was the one."

"All right it was an old boyfriend. Are you satisfied?"

"What did you do, call him up and ask if he wanted to fuck?" I said sarcastically.

"If you must know he came through my line at the store and we got to talking and he asked me out. I told him I was separated and one night we got drunk and we almost did it. I stopped it and told him it could never happen again; and it hasn't."

"So my perfect wife is human after all; don't you feel better for telling me the truth?" She knew what I meant by that.

It took another two weeks to work out the agreement, to give my notice and moved out of my apartment. The first night in my house was strange to say the least. She gave me a little peck on the lips before we went to our separate rooms to sleep. I would have killed to see Linda naked even just a little.

The following week we started our bi-weekly counseling sessions and I watched my hours to make sure I was home for dinner every night.

I limited my first out of town trip to two nights. I called her after dinner and spoke to her and the kids for almost a half hour. I half expected Linda to call back about three in the morning to see if I was still there and alone but it didn't happen. She met me at the door with a big kiss and a hug; we had a chance at making it.

After six intense weeks I asked, in our sessions, when I'd be allowed back into our bedroom; you'll notice I said our bedroom. Linda said she wasn't ready but I pushed the issue.