Friendship Interrupted

The biggest mistake of my life was keeping a secret from Jen. We were young and talked very seriously about what we wanted out of life. That's the way we were, we could talk to each other about anything. It didn't matter how intimate, we could just talk about it. I'm Ben, and that was how it was, Ben and Jen, friends for life. Just one time, I held it in, I should have talked with her.

There has never been anyone since Jen that I could confide in so completely. We became pals in the third grade, and not a day went by that we didn't talk to one another. We remained best friends all through school and into college. In the end, it was a momentary need for privacy that tore us apart.

Jen and I had never been lovers, but we could discuss our deepest feelings with one another like we were a couple. This was what brought our friendship to a screeching halt, it would be years until I saw her again.

Jen and I both were dating others in our senior year at UNLV, neither of us were in serious relationships, we had talked about it. I'd been dating a girl named Sandy on and off for about six months. It wasn't going anywhere, we just had fun together and relieved a little sexual tension once in awhile.

Right after Christmas break, Sandy dropped a bomb on me, she was pregnant. Neither of us were quite sure what had happened, Sandy was on the pill, we both thought we were safe. Sandy's first reaction was to have an abortion. I damn sure didn't want to marry her. I liked Sandy, but hell, we were just friends, there wasn't a future for us. So I'd agreed with her decision.

Sandy couldn't come up with the money without telling her parents. I didn't have much cash either, but I felt responsible. I told Sandy to arrange it all, I would get the money somehow. We both agreed to keep this as quiet as possible. She was relieved and thanked me, I was a fucking mess. I needed a job, and I needed it now.

I ended up with three part-time gigs. If I could make it work for a month and not get behind in my classes, there would be enough money for Sandy. I had no fucking idea when I would have time to sleep, but what choice did I have? So I hustled my ass off, and slept when I should have been studying. I studied instead of eating, and ate while I was working. By the end of the month, I'd pulled it off, and Sandy had the abortion. I'd been so focused on helping her, I never even thought of the consequences.

Jen came to see where I'd been hiding, we hadn't talked for ages. It was the third Saturday in February, and the first time I'd been able to sleep for more than two hours in the same day. She was sitting on my bed shaking me,

"Ben, wake up, are you going to sleep the rest of the year?"

"Wha..."

"Come on, wake up."

"Ok, give me a minute," I said rubbing the sleep from my eyes.

"Where the hell have you been? I heard you had a job."

"Yeah, three, but that's over now."

"Why would you do that?"

"I needed the money, isn't that why you usually work?"

"Christ Ben, why didn't you ask me? I could have given it to you. You look like shit, are you trying to kill yourself?"

"It was personal, I didn't want to bother anyone."

"Who the fuck do you think you're talking to, it's me, remember, Ben and Jen, friends for life."

"I know, but this was different."

"Different my ass, what could be so bad that you couldn't talk to me? Didn't I tell you all about loosing my cherry? Weren't you the one that told me about the first time you ate pussy? It's me Ben. Not some stranger."

"You're right, but I was embarrassed."

"Well, are you going to tell me?"

"Ok, but you can't say anything. I mean nobody ever hears this again. Promise?"

"Ben, it's me, remember?"

"You're right, I've just never had to deal with anything like this before. I needed the money to get Sandy an abortion."

Jen's face turned red, and she stood up, "You did what? You fucking moron. How could you? That has to be the lowest thing anybody could ever do. You rotten son of a bitch, don't you ever come near me again. Do you hear me!" and she stormed out the door.

I tried for weeks to contact her, she wouldn't answer. It was tearing me apart on the inside, this was worse than when my father had died. I was lost, I felt like the gum on somebody's shoe. I had no idea that Jen felt so strongly about abortion, and how could that be? We talked about everything, I guess this had never come up in conversation before.

Shit, now that I've had time to think, I don't really know how I feel about the subject. Given the circumstances, I had just reacted. I did what I thought was right at the time, but I was just doing what Sandy wanted with no feeling about the baby.

The rest of the year, I was lost without Jen. I managed to graduate, but just barely. It had gotten a little easier to deal with the feeling, everything numbs in time. But I still had moments that I needed her to be there for me, and it hurt that she wasn't. I had to suck it up and move on.

I decided to move to the east coast, I needed to get away from everything that reminded me of home. Atlanta wasn't easy to get used to, as a California boy in the South, I stuck out like a sore thumb.

But, as we all do, I changed and got used to the customs. I had a good job in marketing and life went on. I found that there were an abundance of very beautiful women in the south, I finally found the one I married. By then I was twenty eight, Sara was a few years younger. We'd met through friends, and dated for a few months before we married.

Sara was everything a man could want in a wife. She was smart, she'd graduated with honors from Vanderbilt. She was beautiful and feminine, a true southern belle. She was quiet and proper, and an absolute whore in bed. She could almost make me cum with the wanton look in her eyes.

When our first daughter, Mandy, was born, I cried. Everyone thought it was from joy, but only I knew the real reason. I couldn't help feeling like a shitheel for what might have been. I knew now it may have been a mistake to abort my first. Looking at my newborn girl, I grieved over the life that never was.

I don't get involved in the argument of pro life or pro choice. What I feel is personal. In the long run it was Sandy's choice, but I still to this day regret not discussing it more. There are certainly a lot of 'what ifs' and 'could have beens', but that doesn't make the hurt go away.

Two years later, Mae came along. The same feeling s of guilt haunted me. I had great wife and two beautiful daughters, but I grieved just the same. And again, time dulled the feeling, we lived a happy life, I would get passed this somehow.

Sara was a great mother, she balanced the girls, a career and me. Sometimes she referred to me as her oldest child, and at times I did require more attention than my daughters. But Sara was always was able to give me all the love and support I needed.

The children grew older, and became quite a handful for us both. It was clear that they were headstrong and free thinkers. It was hard to keep track of them, they didn't seem to want help with anything. We learned to keep an eye on them, but let them explore without butting in too much.

As my twentieth high school reunion approached, I felt that I should attend. I can't really put my finger on why I wanted to be there. It would be an expensive long fright across country, to see people I haven't thought of for over half of my life.

I bet I'm not fooling any of you. You all know why I would subject myself to that silly affair. The chance to see Jen again overrode my common sense, she might show up, only time would tell. If you're thinking that I had some kind of fantasy about us getting together after all that had transpired, get that shit out of your head. I wanted to see her to mend an open sore we shared.

The fight we had the last time we were together needed closure. I thought about it often, and it was no way to put an end to such a rich friendship. If Jen wanted me out of her life, it was time for her to tell me why. That month many years ago, was the only regret I'd ever had. The abortion and the fight with Jen, were like a thorn in my side. I'd carried it long enough.

Sara was happy for me, she always did understand more than she let on. She sensed the sadness when the kids were born, but she knew when to let sleeping dogs lie. We had talked about Jen, but I didn't tell her that was why I wanted to go to the reunion. I don't think she was fooled, and I know she wasn't threatened. We had a strong marriage, and she didn't mind me going.

The night before I left for California, Sara gave me a night to remember. She was all over me in bed, it became apparent very quickly, that I would be sleeping on the flight. Sara had every intention of sending me off as a well-fucked happy camper, and man, did she get the job done. I was sure that we would both be walking funny for the next few days.

As the sun rose, the whole family made the trip to the airport. I hugged the girls, and kissed Sara like I was going to war. As I walked the ramp to the plane, I had a smile from ear to ear. Damn, how did a guy like me, manage to latch onto the greatest woman alive?

They say you can't go home. What? I was home, wasn't I? This is where I grew up, but it had changed in the last twenty years. So metaphorically, I guess 'they' were right. This wasn't home, Sara was my home.

The first gathering of the alumni would be the Friday evening picnic. I hoped to see Jen there, maybe we could get away from the crowd and talk. Jen was there, but when she spotted me, her face shown with what I can only describe as contempt. Her old girlfriends surrounded her most of the time, and I never got a chance to approach her that night.

This seemed like a real bad idea now, coming to the reunion. Jen apparently hadn't changed her opinion of me, I debated the wisdom of attending the reception the next night. Hell, I'd flown clear across the country to be here, I may as well give it one last try.

I spent most of the day in my hotel room, there was only one reason that I'd come here. My mother had relocated to Montana, and there wasn't any family here anymore. I had no interest in seeing the old neighborhood, it was sure to have changed beyond my recognition.

As I arrived and checked in, I spotted Jen at the bar. I wanted to watch for awhile, and get a feel for my chances to talk to her. She was drinking heavily, and seemed to be alternately quarreling with, and ignoring the man next to her. I didn't recognize him, so I assumed him to be her husband.

After a particularly animated exchange, the man turned his back to her. Like the last time I'd seen Jen, she stomped away, but this time was more of a stumble. I had to act, if I waited, she would be too drunk to stand up, let alone talk to me coherently.

This was probably a bad time to confront her, but I saw it as my only chance. She headed to the exit and I followed, wanting to catch her outside. Jen went through the door fumbling with a pack of cigarettes, we made it to the door at the same time. Without a word said, I opened the door and we were out of there.

"So, you're about the last person I ever expected to see here. Are you here to relive the glory days?" she spat.

"I'm glad to see you too, Jen. You're looking, uh, drunk," I returned.

"What do you want from me? I thought you'd have figured it out by now that I don't want to see you. Why don't you just fuck off."

"Jen, all I want is five minutes. Fifteen years as best friends should buy me that."

"What's the point? I guess you didn't get it then, why would you understand now?"

"Jen please, just talk to me. I just want to know why you went off on me that day. I know it had to do with the abortion, but we knew other people that had them. You never once told me you felt so strongly about it. What is it Jen?"

"Does it matter now? That was a lifetime ago. Just let it go. I don't want to get into it again, not now, not ever."

"I should have talked to you before Sandy aborted, that's all I want now. I'm begging you Jen, talk to me."

"Ben! Get it through your fucking thick head, there's nothing we can do. What's done is done." She fumbled for another cigarette. Her hands were shaking terribly.

Just as I was about to continue, my phone rang. It could only be Sara, and she never called my cell unless it was important. I decided to take the call, I would let her know I would call right back. "This is Ben," I said, a little too harshly, " No! What happ... Where? Are they alright? Oh god, no, no, I'll be home as soon as I can," the call ended as my legs gave out.

I did my best to stand, I had to get home. Sara and the kids had been in a car accident.

"Jen, I have to go. Sara needs me, it'll be ok, it's ok, she'll be fine," I stammered.

"Ben, what is it? What's wrong?"

"My wife needs me," I turned and ran into the night.

It was a wonder that I wasn't killed in traffic, but I managed to make the airport. Sara's mother was the one that had called, they'd been hit by a drunk driver. The girls were going to be ok, but it didn't look good for Sara. I had to get there before she died.

The airport people did their best to get me home. The way I was babbling, I have to give them credit for even understanding what I wanted. I was met at the airport and rushed to the hospital, Sara was alive, but not for long.

Sara died in my arms, I never got to tell her how much that I loved her. She told me with her last words, "Baby, don't you give up. You have to think of the girls, they need you." She then fell unconscious, and passed minutes later.

I could have very easily given up, but I honored my vow to Sara to obey her last wish. I trudged on, day by day, repressing my grief. Sara's sister helped with Mandy and Mae, god knows I couldn't have done it without her. She was always there for us, when ever things got to be too much, Allie would step in.

It had been a few months since Sara's funeral, and time was again my only consolation. While I stayed busy, my thoughts of Sara didn't come as often. One evening after dinner I received a mysterious phone call, the voice on the other end was strangely familiar, "Ben, I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry for everything," that was all the voice had said before hanging up. There had been tears with the voice. The call had brought emotions to the top again, the tears fell for the better part of the night. Sara was really gone, and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it.

Both Allie and my mother-in-law tried to get me out of the house. They kept on me about being cooped up all the time. I know they had my best interest at heart, but I didn't want to go out. The girls were the only thing I had now, I wanted to be with them. It had been well over a year since Sara's death, but it still felt like yesterday to me.

On occasion, the phone would ring. When I'd answer, it was like no one was there. I would always pick up with hello, then nothing. After waiting for a reply and receiving none, I would put the handset back in the cradle. Very strange, but I thought nothing of it at the time.

The strange phone calls continued, they were getting more frequent. The caller never spoke, they stayed on the line until I hung up. Why would anyone bother to do this to me? I didn't have any enemies, it could be a prank, but that seemed unlikely. A prankster would say something or move on to another number. This was getting annoying.

When the phone rang the next evening, I'd had enough. It was time to put a stop to this bullshit.

"Hello," the other end was silent. "Hello," more silence. "Who the fuck is this? Answer me!" I was losing my temper now.

"Ben," the voice trembled.

Calming somewhat, "who is this?"

"Ben, I need help," my god, it was Jen.

"Jen, is that you? What's wrong?"

"Ben, help me please. I'm all messed up, I don't know what to do."

"Jen, calm down, where are you?"

"Ben, I'm sorry, don't hate me."

"Jen, where..." the line went dead.

The caller I.D. showed a Houston area code, well shit, that really narrowed it down. How the hell was I supposed to find her in a city of two million. She must be hurting pretty bad to call me, it had to be important. I don't know for sure whether she had been making the other calls, the numbers were always blocked before, but it must have been her.

It took me a few hours to locate her brother in Vancouver. When I asked about Jen, he got pretty quiet. He finally told me that she wasn't on speaking terms with any of the family any more. She was abusing alcohol and he also suspected some drug use. The last he had heard, she'd divorced her husband. He really had no idea where she was. In the end, he did reluctantly give me the number of her ex.

Talking to her former husband was difficult to say the least, the divorce had not been amicable. After explaining the phone call to him, he backed off a little and gave me a few leads to follow in Houston. He told me he didn't want to ever see her again, but he still didn't want to see he hurt.

I seemed to be running in to dead ends trying to locate Jen, I was running in circles here. As I was packing a bag, I made a few calls. My boss understood, he told me to do what was necessary. Allie was already on her way to get the girls, she was always there for us. Just like Sara. The last call was to the Houston police. After talking to one of the desk sergeants, he told me they would do what they could, unofficially of course.

On the flight to Houston, it dawned on me that I had no clue how I was going to locate Jen. Shit, she might have left the country by now. If somebody didn't want to be found, wasn't it easy to blend into the woodwork? I immediately decided to hire a professional, it would save a lot of time. Time was what I worried about right now, given the way Jen sounded on the phone, she needed help soon.

As soon as we touched down, I was on the phone to Sergeant Myer. He really hadn't come up with anything for me, and I truthfully hadn't expected any results. When I asked him for a reference to an investigator, he was relieved. It took the monkey off his back. It wasn't as if he was obligated to help me, there was no evidence of a crime so Jen wasn't technically missing. Myer asked for my cell number, it would be faster for the P.I. to contact me.

Chris Tucker was prompt, I'd barely reached my hotel. He suggested we meet face to face, he asked me to be in the hotel coffee shop in an hour. I had just enough time to check in and change.

Chris was a short wiry looking man, slightly older than I was. He was retired from the Houston police, and claimed to know every inch of the city. We talked for about half an hour, by then he was sure if she was still in town, he'd find her. It was only noon, so I stayed for lunch. It was sure to be a long day waiting for Chris to call.

As I tried to wear a circular path in the carpet of my hotel room, I wondered about Jen. What had caused her to crack, this wasn't like the girl I once knew. She was the most stable person I'd ever known, very strong and self-assured. And what could I possibly do for her? Could I convince her she needed help? She'd asked for it, but would she remember?

I had calmed down enough to watch a little TV. The phone rang in the middle of the six o'clock news, Chris had located Jen. I was packed and out the door in minutes. The cab driver didn't seem too pleased when I gave him the address, as we got closer, I could see why he was hesitant. It wasn't what you would call the swanky part of town.

Chris met me outside of the bar, he wore a sad expression on his face, "Are you sure you're ready for this?" he asked.

"Yeah, let's do this." I replied.

We entered and paused for moment to get accustomed to the darkness of this dive. The smell nearly put me to my knees. As my eyes adjusted, I saw Jen. My god, she looked old, this was going to be rough. We made our way through the smoky room towards the bar, Jen was doing her best to stay on the stool. My first impression was that she was unconscious, and her brain hadn't sent the message to her body yet.