Frogs Get Bored

Frogs get bored; even enchanted ones. In the beginning the costumes and princesses are fun, but enchantment after enchantment, well it just gets old. It's particularly frustrating if the frog is stuck with an enchantress who is not very bright. I mean the stories you have to endure as she reads to her "pets," it's simply nauseating. Just this morning she came up with a new one for me, apparently a Christmas tale.

She even went as far as sitting me the frog some tiny doll chair as she began to read:

"Maw, who gift wrapped my frog?"

"Why Lester, I got no idere. Maybe 'twas Beau. He bin running wild here since sun up."

"Naw, 'twern't Beau, I gots him tied to a tree 'cross the crik. Maw, I think someun is 'nipulatin' me."

"'Nipulatin' you? Where did you learn about 'nipulatin'?"

"At school, teacher always sez I 'nipulatin' her. Ever' time I fool her she says I 'nipulatin'. So somebody mus' be 'nipulatin' me."

"Lester, jus' get you another frog. And for laws sake go untie Beau."

"But Maw, my wrapped frog is unner the tree hop, hoppin' about. All wrapped up and jus' a hoppin.'"

"Yore frog's still hoppin'? Lawsy Lester, go unwrap it."

"Hey Maw, I think someun's 'nipulatin' you too."

"Why you say that Lester?"

"Cuz someone dun gift wrapped ole Stonewall on the back porch. Yup, jus' wrapped him up real good."

"They wrapped poor ole Stonewall, that poor dog. Lester run unwrap Stonewall, and find yore sister Odajoy. Bet she got her scissors an's playin' Chrismas agin."

"Yup Maw, there she goes 'cross the crik hollerin' she gonna wrap Beau. Ha, ha Maw, that'll be one stinkin' present."

"Lester go get the scissors and wrappin' paper from Odajoy. Lawsy, that's the last time I go to the outlet mall in the summer."

"Okay Maw, I got Odajoy and the stuff. What should I do 'bout Beau."

"Oh jus' leave him wrapped up till dinner, one less wild one to 'nipulate me."

No sooner had she finished the story when she turned to me and said, "Oh Horace, come here. The princess has to kiss you."

"Horace? What kind of a name is that?" I would have said if I could talk. I guess that's the ticket, you got to talk. It's such an irony that a brainless twit like her can simply chat away, basically saying nothing when a superior mind such as mine must crawl through the muck to survive. And then, we finally claw our way out of the muck and stand up proudly to speak and what happens? What happens?. We croak, that's what we do.

"Come closer, she has to kiss you on the head."

"On the head again? I'm bruised already from so many 'kisses'. Let's try a change, have princess kiss my ..." That's right, the damn princess can kiss my earthy, grey-green ass.

"But princess, he will become a handsome prince," she chants.

"Ouch, damn, I need a helmet for this. Isn't it bedtime yet?"

So the story goes, week after week, month after month. My hopes of a better life are dashed each time the story is repeated. I've tried praying to the moon, but I realize it's no good, that's when desperation sets in.

"Oh please save me from this drudgery. If I play prince one more time I'll croak!" Pardon the pun here but it's simply gotten unbearable with her.

"Here's Horace," the enchantress says handing me to an attendant, "There you go, you can take him."

"Take him? Oh thank you, thank you, they're taking me away from all this. Finally I'll be recognized for what I am. Kiss or no kiss I am a prince among men... ah frogs.

And there's her new victim: some poor witless dog. I wonder now what she will do to that creature. Well to hell with him, like I always said, "It's every animal for itself." I wonder if it will put up with the stories and then dress up time. I always hated dress up time, those damn dresses just aren't made for frogs. I look toward the dog and shout, "Tough luck you sap. I am finally free!" I shout.

Finally as I'm carried through the door, I hear her voice for hopefully the last time. Talking to the damn dog she says, "Yes Skippy, I am gonna have a delicacy tonight, they are fixing me frog legs. Isn't that wonderful?"