Gang Aft Agley Ch. 04

"Robert, I'll admit I was wrong. I know I broke our agreement. I'll even admit my blatant infidelity if you will accept that my admissions in no way mean that I love you any less than I have always loved you." Nancy looked to her husband for any sign of his mood. Not seeing outright rejection she moved on. "Robert my husband and lover, please understand this and accept as fact, I do not want James instead of you. You have always been my first and truest love and you always will be."

Robert nodded but still felt he must insert what Nancy had not yet said, "I am your one true love, but you still want James."

"Yes Robert, yes. I do not want James instead of you, I do not want James over you, I want you both, my Robert first and then my James. I want my Robert always forever. I only want my James when the moon is full."

Nancy cast a hopeful gaze, "Can you live with that much, letting me have that little bit of James?"

Now Robert had to pause taken aback by his wife's unexpected request. He expected contrition and a promise of nevermore following her admission of guilt. Robert wasn't sure how he would have dealt with what he expected. He never considered Nancy would ask permission to continue her infidelity. She admitted infidelity, he thought to himself, but I wonder; Nancy doesn't think having James as lover is being unfaithful to me, does she? What in hell do I do now? How do I respond? Robert stood and once again began to pace.

Pacing had always been Robert's preferred activity when he needed to get inside his head and work through a problem. He had solved many an impossible situation for clients just this way. That is why his company valued him and paid a handsome salary. Robert knew how to think through difficult problems and find creative solutions. Was there a creative solution for Robert, Nancy and their marriage? Just say hell no! That's what I want to do, and I know that will not work. Even if Nancy agrees to never see James again, she will be miserable. If she cheats, we are done. We must find a solution to Nancy's problem.

Robert sat beside his wife again on the sofa. "Labor Day is long past Nancy, well past and beyond us. Our agreement was Memorial Day to Labor Day. We would have separate vacations while you were away. Do you remember that much? We agreed on separate vacations while we were apart. We are back together. We both know the calendar." Robert reached to Nancy's face to force focus between them. "A couple is two, not three, not two and a half." Robert waited before concluding; he wanted Nancy to understand his final point clearly. "A married couple is not a sometime thing."

"What I just said is not an answer to your question. Your question is yours alone to answer. What I said is something I believe very deep in my soul Nancy, do you understand that much?"

Nancy turned forward, draped her arms over her husband's shoulders and kissed him with fervent warmth and all of the love she had ever felt for this wonderful man she married. "I love you Robert Winthrop. I love every fiber of you. I wish I had never gone away this summer and by my actions put our marriage in such jeopardy." Nancy leaned into the crook of her man's neck to be as close as she could be. Her tears dampened his shirt and the remnants of her makeup left her mark. Robert held her tight.

Finally, Robert eased Nancy away. "It's getting late and we are both tired. We need to finish this and go to bed. You know my feelings. I am not going to make your decision. Whatever happens, whatever you decide will have consequences either way. We will live with what you decide, together if we can; if we can not live together then some other way." With Robert's final indefinite pronouncement, he led his wife to their bedroom. Nancy and Robert did not complete this Friday night as they often did, making love.

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Driving home after a Tuesday teaching her fifth graders, Nancy considered the emotional discussion she had with her husband and the unresolved challenge left hanging. I am not going to make your decision, Robert had said in conclusion. Nancy had to make her own decision and she had to make that decision soon. That damned calendar Robert brought from the kitchen loomed. The December elementary teacher's council meeting is this coming weekend. I always call James Wednesday, tomorrow. Nancy heard a horn blow. She looked up and saw that the traffic light had turned green. Drive on girl.

Leezabad was in her room doing homework. "Robert, can we talk for a few minutes?" They adjourned to the family room; Nancy took the sofa and Robert sat in his church altar chair. Nancy led off with an indistinct statement. "My association meeting is this weekend."

"Are you asking or telling, Nancy? I told you I wouldn't make your decisions."

"Telling, I'm telling you. I am going to my meeting. I will see James. I am not telling you anything more than he will be at the meeting too. I don't know the answer to the unasked question; I haven't made any decision. I want you to know; I don't want to hide. I am going to my meeting and I will see James. Whatever happens this weekend, I will tell you everything with total honesty when I return. Can you live with that much for just this weekend, just this meeting?"

Nancy looked across the room to her husband in his altar chair. She felt like she was asking permission from on high to meet with her lover. Robert stared back at his wife considering what she had just told him and the question she asked. "I'm not giving permission to screw him if that's what you are really asking. I told you how I feel Friday. I told you it is your decision to make. You can tell me what you want to tell me when you return."

"Okay, I will leave Friday after school as usual. I don't know about James; I'll decide as time plays out. When I return I will be absolutely truthful. That's all I can tell you now except to say that I love you completely as I always do."

Nancy called James during her off period Wednesday as she did every week. She talked briefly about the difficult conversations she had with Robert about their relationship. When James wanted to go into more detail, Nancy put him off. We will have time this weekend she told him. James suggested maybe they should end their relationship but Nancy vetoed his suggestion. "We aren't going to say goodbye over the telephone James. I care for you, for us, too much for that to happen." They talked of past and future, reality and desire, as they did every week. Nancy ended their conversation with the same I love you James endearment she always closed with.

Thursday evening after dinner, Nancy packed her suitcase. Considering the December weather, she packed pantsuits for her meeting plus jeans and sweaters for casual wear. This time she packed the sophisticated black nightgown along with her special yellow gown. As she packed the two gowns, she asked herself if the simple act of packing was making a decision but she didn't know the answer.

Friday night she wore the black gown for James as they talked through her difficult week with Robert. Nancy found some lively jazz on the small radio and she danced around her hotel room swirling the black nylon over and around her body. The dance excited James as planned; he came to her as Nancy posed on the bed waiting for her lover. Sweet lovemaking followed the extended foreplay that was James specialty. After each recovered from orgasm, James very slowly removed black nylon kissing every bit of flesh uncovered. Nancy donned the yellow gown she wore only for her lover and they slept close and content until morning.

Saturday after the meetings there was a social hour for everyone attending. Nancy stayed close to James holding her wine glass in one hand and James with her other. She bestowed soft touches and light kisses as the mood struck. No one could doubt that she and James were committed lovers. Forty-five minutes of pleasant conversation was enough. She whispered to James come to me in fifteen minutes. When Nancy heard his knock, she answered wearing only a pair of very sheer panties and a smile. Her arms opened wide for her lover and he stepped into her grasp. Nancy and James did not get to the dining room for dinner until the last of their fellow members were having dessert. They ate a light meal quickly and returned to James room to make love a second time before sleeping entwined.

Sunday they did not make love. Nancy told James she did not want to take his essence home inside. "I need to return to my Robert with some sense of purity if not total chastity." The couple kissed and stayed close while eating their continental breakfast, and again while having a light snack before departure. Nancy asked James to come to her room to help carry her bag to her car. That request was subterfuge; she wanted private kiss, hold, touch, and goodbye time.

Robert and Leezabad were off ice-skating when Nancy arrived home. Nancy disposed of her dirty laundry in proper baskets. She immediately shifted gears to her housewife and mother role. She warmed apple juice and baked a small batch of cornbread muffins to serve with butter and honey as soon as her family returned from the cold.

"I slept with James Friday night and Saturday, but not today. I would like us to make love tonight as symbol of my return to my husband who I love so much." Robert permitted their sex but he contributed little enthusiasm. He and Nancy made love only once more before Christmas Eve.

Robert did his best to maintain family Christmas traditions for the sake of their daughter. He and Leezabad bought the Christmas tree this year. He helped his daughter set tree in stand, but she asked to place all the lights and decorations herself. Her request was more of her I'm a big girl now behavior. Nancy guided the gift buying expeditions; Robert could only handle shopping mall crowds when there was no other alternative. A prepaid VISA card let Leezabad shop for gifts with independence but also a limit. Mother and daughter shopped two consecutive Saturdays and wrapped gifts on Sundays. Robert did his Christmas shopping using catalogs. The Winthrops were a united family for the holiday season.

Christmas Eve found the family gathered around the tree. Brightly wrapped gifts surrounded the tree in its stand. Lights blinked; colored balls, icicles and tinsel hung from branches. As with every year from their first, Nancy hung decorations made by her students. She mulled apple cider and made Christmas cookies for their celebration. Robert would recite the traditional Burns poems that he read every year beginning with Ae Fond Kiss.

Ae fond kiss, and then we sever;
Ae fareweel, alas, for ever!
Deep in heart-wrung tears I'll pledge thee,
Warring sighs and groans I'll wage thee!
Who shall say that Fortune grieves him
While the star of hope she leaves him?
Me, nae cheerfu' twinkle lights me,
Dark despair around benights me.

I'll ne'er blame my partial fancy;
Naething could resist my Nancy;
But to see her was to love her,
Love but her, and love for ever.
Had we never loved sae kindly,
Had we never loved sae blindly,
Never met—or never parted,
We had ne'er been broken-hearted.

Fare thee weel, thou first and fairest!
Fare thee weel, thou best and dearest!
Thine be ilka joy and treasure,
Peace, enjoyment, love, and pleasure!
Ae fond kiss, and then we sever!
Ae fareweel, alas, for ever!
Deep in heart-wrung tears I'll pledge thee,
Warring sighs and groans I'll wage thee!

Nancy had heard Ae Fond Kiss many times. She tried to recall the first time; it was before we married. I was still in school. I've always heard the hope along with Burns love. I always heard Robert's love. For the first time on hearing Ae Fond Kiss, Nancy heard sorrow drown out hope and love. Ae fond kiss, and then we sever -- Ae farweel, alas, for ever! Nancy bit into a cookie and raised her cup to muffle any sound of her sob.

Leezabad joined with her Dada for the next traditional poem he recited. "I'll do the first stanza Dada and you can do the next." She led off: "Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! . . ."

In his turn, Dada continued the poem with the next stanza: "I'm truly sorry man's dominion, Has broken Nature's social union. . . ." Robert had always enjoyed sharing Burns with his daughter from her very youngest days. On this special family night, however, he wanted to use Burns to make one more point he considered vitally important to the future of family. "Let me do these last two stanzas my precious flower." Robert fixed his eyes on Nancy as he read these last two stanzas slowly just for her. He knew it was not too late for their marriage and family, but he also knew time was running out. He hoped she would hear him through Burns.

But Mousie, thou art no thy lane,
In proving foresight may be vain:
The best-laid schemes o' mice an' men
Gang aft agley,
An' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain,
For promis'd joy!

Still thou are blest, compared wi' me!
The present only toucheth thee:
But och! I backward cast my e'e,
On prospects drear!
An' forward, tho' I canna see,
I guess an' fear!

Nancy's joy watching father and daughter share a Christmas tradition received a jolt as soon as she recognized the fierceness Robert put into reading Mousie's last two stanzas. He was an old time Scots warrior in kilt carrying a broadsword. His brogue rang full and true. The poem's meter never wavered, but his voice dropped a notch in pitch and had a sharp edge, the edge of that broadsword. Nancy heard: Best laid plans -- Gang aft agley -- Lea'e us nought but grief an' pain; and then at the end: An' forward, tho' I canna see -- I guess an' fear! This time Nancy didn't try to hide her tears.

As the second weekend in January approached, much of the fear Nancy felt that Christmas Eve had faded. Faced with decision time, association meeting or not, truthfully Nancy knew her decision boiled down to being with James once again or not, what Nancy remembered was how tenderly, how beautifully Robert made love to her that Christmas Eve. One more thought flashed across her psyche; Robert had not made love to her since that wonderful Christmas Eve. He had rebuffed at least two very overt invitations she made and ignored hints even more than two.

Robert is telling me with his actions just what he told me with words. He still loves me. He wants me. He thinks, he knows, he is as good a lover for me as James can be. He is also telling me in his way that I can't have everything. I have to choose. I have to choose Robert to the exclusion of James; that is what Robert is telling me with his actions. Nancy reviewed her thinking and she was convinced that she understood Robert's actions and motives.

Nancy reached a decision. I need to go to the meeting to prove that I can be around James and remain faithful to Robert, to our marriage. I need to go to the meeting so I can make a break with James face-to-face. Tuesday night before her meeting, she told her husband of her thinking and her decision. Robert nodded acquiescence but privately he was skeptical. He wondered if Nancy would pass on a last opportunity to be with James; he also wondered if he would ever know the truth.

Thursday evening as she packed her suitcase, Nancy deliberately left the three James nightgowns in her drawer. She packed two oversized sleep shirts; one was the pink Minnie Mouse shirt Leezabad gave her as Christmas gift. I am not going to take any of my sexy nightgowns to be sure I won't be tempted to seduce James. Nancy knew what she wore to bed with James was not the reason they made love, but she could easily relegate truth to the background.

Nancy arrived at the hotel early; a substitute taught her class. The young girl who made knowing smiles the first time Nancy registered was working the front desk when Nancy checked in. The girl had a good memory; she checked to see what room James was assigned. "I think I can make a bit of an upgrade for a good customer like you Mrs. Winthrop." Nancy heard the girl tapping furiously at her keyboard. "Sign here please," she said as she handed over a room key. Nancy thanked her and carried her bag to the elevator heading for the top floor. A large room with king size bed awaited her. Nancy didn't know her room had a connecting door to the room James would have when he checked in shortly.

Nancy hung her clothes, put toiletries in the bathroom and began to undress from her travelling clothes. She wanted to relax in the tub with the complementary bubble bath solution she found. She was barefooted wearing only bra and panties when she heard a soft knock at the adjoining door. Who could that be, she wondered? Once more she heard the knock. Shielding her near nudity against the wall, Nancy opened her door just a few inches, "James!" Opening her door completely, Nancy stepped into her lover's arms and they were kissing. Resolve and her promise to Robert vanished in surprise. James finished undressing Nancy, massaged her body completely, readied the tub for Nancy's bubble bath, and scrubbed her clean everywhere. After drying her with one of the oversize bath sheets, they made love for more than an hour.

Robert did not take well the news he expected to hear when Nancy told about her January meeting. He offered a simple choice, resign your position immediately and never speak with James again or be prepared to resign your marriage. Nancy continued to look for alternatives. When February came, Nancy told her husband she must go to the meeting and bow out gracefully. Robert was adamant; if you go, I will see a lawyer about divorce.

"Please Robert, I must go this one last time to make things right. You understand, don't you?" Her husband did not answer; Robert walked away. Thursday night as she packed her suitcase one last time for one of her meetings, Nancy considered James and their affair. They had so much pleasure together; they had so much more than sex between each other. To focus on the sex makes what we have seem tawdry, she thought. I'll pack this yellow nightgown one last time and leave it with my lover as a memory.

Friday night she wore the yellow nightgown for James and they made sweet love long into the night. Saturday, Nancy talked to the woman who was president of the council. "I'm forced to resign," Nancy told the woman. "My husband says I am spending too much time away from the family."

Madam President said gentle words of regret but inside she was chortling. Your husband insisted you quit screwing around once a month with James is what you really mean. Wait until the rest of the girls get together for drinks tonight. Will I have a story to tell!

Saturday night she again wore her yellow gown to make love, and then sleep cuddled next to James. It was off and tossed aside Sunday morning when the room service delivery person brought breakfast. It bothered Nancy not one whit that the man saw her nude from waist up when she had him bring her the check to sign.

"James, best friend and true lover, this morning must be our last time together. Robert insists that we never see each other, never even speak again. I must do my best to try to save my marriage. We can make love until check-out and then kiss goodbye." Nancy pointed to the pile of yellow nylon, "Keep that as a memory of me." Nancy turned into James arms and began kissing, stroking and loving her number-two-man one last time.

"All right Robert, I have resigned from the elementary teacher's council and I told James we could never see each other again. Both were difficult but you mean more to me than either James or the association." Nancy looked at her husband and she smiled. "I love you. I am going to do everything I can to fix the mess I have made of our marriage. From this instant forward, you are my only man, the only man in my life." Nancy tried to kiss her husband but Robert turned his head away.