Get Lucky & Score On Your Way Home

PART ONE - Numerology and Cross-Dressing.

Getting lucky is an attitude of mind, and fortunately, it works for both sexes. Unfortunately, you have to play your part, just thinking 'lucky' will not of itself work, it's about style and dress, and how to impress, and when to be funny, and how to be mellow. And when to expose... your soul; touch another's soul, and you touch to the core of a person. But that's all long term stuff – we're talking short term. We're talking getting lucky tonight, on the way home, in the supermarket, on the train. We're talking fucking, not sex.

Before we discuss what you can do 'to be lucky', let's take a quick look at the odds for and against you getting fucked today, the likelihood is much better than you might think. With 6.5 billion people in the world, there is an awful lot of fucking going on. Take away 35% of that obscenely large number, to allow for the too old and the too young, and it leaves you with 2.1 billion couples in fucking mode (assume 1 female & 1 male, just to humour me), each and every day. The long relationship average number of fucks per week is 2.37 according to Deaders Rigest™, this is based on statistically averaging the four fucks per night of the couple who've just met right the way down the long slow slope to the one fuck per six months of the couple in the fortieth year of their relationship. If you are not getting the one fuck per six months, you just aren't putting the effort in, buy flowers, or chocolate. If you're getting the four per night, Vaseline helps, or talcum powder if you're finding the walking difficult.

Just on a personal note, we are doing our best, 2.37 is about our average, but I must stress, the .37 was not my fault, it had been a long flight and I was tired.

So where are we... 2.1 bn at 2.37 is equal to 29,868,926 fucks per hour, twenty-four fucking hours per day. Interested now!!! So in your average ten hour working day (that's actually a seven hour office day plus three hours for screwing around on the way to work, over lunch, and on the way home) that's 298 million fucks per ten-hours – roughly equal to the population of the United States getting fucked over every day, day after day, and actually, half the people on Literotica swear blind that is exactly what is happening, that the population of the United States is getting fucked over every day; in three year's time, it will be the other half of Literotica saying it, but that is Politics and this is Sex.

298,689,262 Fucks during your ten-hour working day – Feeling Lucky!

That means 8,296 couples fucked in the time it took you to read the above sentence (or 16,592 if you are a slow reader, or read the numbers out loud). You understand the implications of this... more than sixteen thousand people per second are engaged in fitting their bodies together in a squelchy, sticky, faintly odorous, definitely breathtaking, smoochy, finger-licking, humping kind of way. And that's just the ones fucking!

I can hear people saying this is a load of bollocks. Wrong, wrong, wrong – look at the figures, 130,860,569 births in the last twelve months equivalent to 1 birth per 2000 fucks. (You work it out – I've done enough math for you already) Now your average couple raises 2.59 children (UN Data), across a long married life of 40 years at 2.37 fucks per week that equals 5366 fucks or 2072 fucks per child. See the figures are right, worked from both ends; give or take seventy odd fucks, but they might have been extras, with the bloke next door or the girl in the office... So we can agree, roughly 300 million fucks a day. Your lucky day. How are you going to get yours?

Ok – here we need different approaches for each of the sexes. I'll take males first.

MALES – If you are not a Macho Bad-Boy or one of those soft guy's who only need to look at a woman to make her want to mother him (preferably at the breast) then you have your work cut out if you are going to fuck anywhere above average. Almost your best option is to wear girls clothes. Seriously! Dress up in girls clothes. For a start, this is going to get you noticed, by other males in particular, and by a certain strata of women who are both up for a challenge and determined to prove there is more to you than a pair of fishnet tights and a padded bra. I can guarantee you will get lucky on the first day you wear women's clothes, you might not enjoy it, but you will definitely get fucked.

If you don't fancy the women's clothing option, do not try to be more Macho than you actually are. The padded sock down the jeans can bring the WRONG kind of attention. Again, you will get fucked, but I guarantee you won't enjoy it. And any gal who is genuinely interested in a twelve-inch dong as thick as her forearm is going be well pissed off when she finds it's only the size of a stubby pencil. She's more than likely to take her revenge using a pencil sharpener.

If all else fails, use the old stand-by - flowers and chocolate. Work out how many women live in your town, place a bulk order, and get a discount. However, it could be cheaper to buy a wife through one of the Internet auction houses.

FEMALES – stand in any populated place, wait for thirty seconds. Choose. If no one has propositioned you after thirty seconds, send me a PM. (House calls extra.)

Coming Next: PART TWO – Cruising, for Beginners and, What to do When You go Down on a Woman and Your Wig Falls Off.

If I've amused or annoyed - please vote and send feedback. Copyright Neonlyte 2006