Getting The Breaks

It was getting ridiculous. It didn't seem to matter what I said, how I dressed, or how suggestively I behaved. I simply couldn't get a rise out of him. For nearly a year I'd done everything I could think of short of pulling down his pants. He acted as if I were just one more male colleague. Oh, he was polite, even friendly. He'd listen forever to anything I cared to talk about. And he was helpful to a fault. But I wanted more than anything to see that courteous, attentive expression tinged with a little lust.

I thought it might be my face. I ruined it a few years ago in a motorcycle accident. Major skin grafts were necessary just to keep bone from showing through. The scars are many and prominent. In short, I'm not pretty. My face makes me look much older than I really am. But I have other assets.

I'm a fairly big gal at five-eight and a hundred thirty. All the martial arts training and sports I've done have given me a tight, muscular body. Still, I'm visibly female, with the right stuff in the right places and no shortage of it. And I like clothes that divert attention away from my face and toward my figure: silky, form-following blouses, short skirts, and the highest heels I can manage. A colleague once called me a walking advertisement for sex, which I'd have minded a lot less if I'd been getting any.

My build, my couture and my single status at age twenty-eight had made me the office sex kitten. Just about every office has one. Most of the time, the designated female is no more sexually active than anyone else there, and frequently, as in my case, a good deal less. But the position has its responsibilities nonetheless, so I flirted as universally and lightheartedly as possible.

I do flight software for warplanes; he's the number-one real-time software expert in the world. We worked together as closely as a surgical team. We spent many hours together, chasing elusive faults through the bowels of huge programs written for exotic military computers.

Often on such occasions, I would leave off studying the problem at hand, and instead study him. He never noticed. When he's at work, he's the ultimate portrait of concentration. His focus narrows down to whatever he's pursuing, and the rest of reality ceases to matter. There's a palpable force that emanates from him, an assertion of unstoppability, as if he were daring the universe to try to hide anything from him.

What does he look like? Oh, he's unremarkable. An inch shorter than I am. An ordinary body, with a hint of middle-aged-middle developing. At forty-three, he's allowed. A pleasant face, usually with a smile, but nothing to make loins quiver... except for mine.

I told myself repeatedly that all I wanted was to prove to myself that he was human, that he could be had. I avoided asking myself why proving that was so important to me.

It was his mind that turned me on. I'm excessively bright myself; there aren't many men whose mental powers impress me. And women aren't attracted by men's physical attributes nearly as strongly as by their minds and personalities. There just isn't that much variation among men's bodies, whereas no two women look alike at all.

But their minds and personalities are a different subject. Women show more uniformity there. Sure, there are both fools and geniuses among us; I should know. But the central hump of the big bad bell curve includes many more women than men in those areas. The differences between the sexes are dramatic, despite the endless attempts to talk them away.

His mind is the most unusual in my experience. It's flexible, subtle, and powerful beyond description. He's a specialist in an arcane field, as am I, but there is nothing specialized or limited about the way he thinks. I've seen some sharp people try to snow him, and I'm convinced that it can't be done. He cuts through obfuscation like a new razor. He can detect an unjustified assumption, an attempt to disguise inadequate evidence, or a substitution of premise for conclusion with absolute precision.

Coupled to that nuclear-powered intellect is a personality as warm and friendly as a Newfoundland puppy. I've never heard him say a negative word to or about anyone, even people I know he detests. He was married once. She left him for someone else, and took nearly everything he had in the divorce settlement. When he told me about it, I disparaged her in no uncertain terms. That is, I started to disparage her. The warning look I got from him was like having a tennis ball wedged into my mouth.

He helped without being intrusive. He criticized without being unkind. And my God, how he listened.

My God, how I wanted him.

------

Everyone who ever works for a sizable company eventually faces an ethical dilemma. Ethical dilemmas are created by middle managers; a company whose top bosses were in direct contact with the grunts and knew what they were doing could never have one.

There's really only one ethical dilemma for an employee: a middle manager tempts you to suppress something you know you ought to broadcast. He's invariably trying to advance at the expense of his equals in the organization. Deny him, and he'll vow revenge. Accede to him, and he'll own your soul.

The middle manager is indispensable to the dilemma because you can't tempt yourself. If you have ethics, then you'll know what's right and what's wrong. If you don't, then you're not a man; you're vermin, and you ought to be crushed.

The day came to us with more than a little warning, for we were "late." We'd told the project director how long the project would take, but he'd rejected our estimate and made up his own, the better to impress his own management. Now the customer was screaming about cost overruns, missed deadlines, and having been wilfully deceived.

So the director called the two of us into his office for a chat.

He spoke warmly of our abilities and our great efforts to date. He complimented us on how much we'd already achieved. If I'd been carrying my pocketbook, I'd have held it in both hands. It didn't take him long to reach the payoff.

Stripped of its decorations, what he wanted us to do was to jury-rig the program so that it would pass the acceptance test, whose terms we knew, without actually providing those features that had been promised but were as yet undeveloped. He did his best to dress it in the colors of reason. He hinted at dire consequences should we demur, and bright prospects should we agree. He played it very well indeed.

As he came to the end of his pitch, I caught myself holding my breath. Nothing that could have come from this could be good. I wasn't an employee, I was a freelancer, and there's no one easier to dispose of. If a scandal should erupt over this affair, I would be the most convenient hook to hang it from. I might never work in the field again.

When the director ran down, he waited through a long, uneasy silence for our reply. I forced myself to remain calm. I kept looking inquisitively at him, as if he simply had to have more to say. Some twenty seconds passed before my partner spoke.

"No."

Again the silence stretched, while the director adjusted to having been refused. I kept my mouth shut.

"That's not an acceptable answer." The director's voice was chilly.

"Too bad."

I looked over at my partner in surprise. His look of icy concentration was on him, but I had no difficulty sensing the explosive rage behind it.

The director rose from his chair. He's a large man, and he might have thought to add the element of physical intimidation to his ploy. My partner did not flinch.

"The project will be completed as we contracted for it, and within the estimate we gave you."

The director's glare would have blistered paint. "The customer is raising holy hell, and I have to --"

"We will NOT!"

That was the first time I had ever heard him raise his voice. He hadn't raised it all that much, but the effect was terrifying. I'd seen men fight before -- I'd even been the reason for it, once or twice -- but I didn't want it to happen there. I had this sick feeling that it would be to the death.

The director started to round his desk. He halted, stood still for a moment, and returned to his chair.

"You know, no one's ever successfully appealed a dismissal for insubordination." His tone was maliciously casual.

My partner sneered.

"Suit yourself." His voice was rich with scorn. He glanced at me; I bit my lip and nodded. We rose and left.

------

He was silent as we returned to our lab bench. He sat at his usual workstation, but did not set to work. He stared at the blank screen for several minutes. All I could do was watch him.

After a while he shook himself, as if trying to emerge from sleep. He gave a great sigh, put his hands to his keyboard and resumed where he had left off. I tried to do the same, but without success.

"We'd better just try to leave everything in good order."

"What?" His sudden statement had startled me.

"The terminations won't take more than a few days to process. We can't finish by then. Better just tidy up so the customer can finish it himself, if he ever decides to."

There was a quaver in his voice that he couldn't conceal.

"You really think he'll do it?"

He didn't turn. "I know it. He's done it before."

"It's been how long for you? Nine years?"

"Just about." The quaver was still there. "I've done a lot of my best work here."

He continued to work for a few minutes longer, then let his head loll back as if he were exhausted. There were tears running down his face, and he was beginning to shake.

I went to him and laid a hand on his shoulder. It was the first time I had ever deliberately touched him.

He said "No, please don't," buried his head in his hands and began to sob.

I pulled him into my arms and held him tightly. It took him a long time to regain his self-control. Twice, other engineers passing through the lab began to approach, and I glared them away. Looking like one of Frankenstein's trial runs might have some advantages, after all.

When he had calmed, he said only, "I'm sorry." He tried to pull away from me, but I refused to let him. I'd been crying too, and I didn't want him to see. After a while, he relaxed in my arms and let his head rest on my shoulder. I made a decision.

"School's out for today."

"What?" His voice was muffled against my shoulder.

"Time for a sanity break." I rose to my feet, grabbed his hand and pulled him upright. "Let's jump this flea circus."

I half-led, half-dragged him out of the lab and down the hall. The few people we passed didn't say a word, which was well for them. I'd have killed anyone who tried to slow us down.

I didn't quite stuff him into my car. He contained his puzzlement until we'd arrived at the apartment complex where I was living.

"Why are we here?"

I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say, only what I'd decided to do.

I led him into my bedroom and began to undress him. He let me do as I pleased, but he didn't help. When I had finished with him, I turned away to undress myself. When I turned back to face him, his eyes were like dark moons. My mouth was dry, and my pulse was already racing.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" His voice was grave.

I didn't trust myself to speak, so I moved toward him and enveloped him instead.

As we kissed that first time, his arms closed around me hesitantly, as if he thought I might change my mind and back away from him. I pulled him to me with all my strength, and his grip tightened in response. My feet nearly left the floor as we clung to one another. Somehow I'd known he was stronger than he looked.

I maneuvered him toward my bed, and pressed him down gently onto his back. He ran his palms lightly down my sides, then lay still, eyes closed, allowing me to lead. I stroked his chest and belly lightly with my fingertips, then reached down and took his member in my hand.

He was fully erect, hard and smooth. I stroked him gently, and he moaned. His testicles had tightened to the maximum. They pulsed powerfully against my fingers. I settled myself between his legs and took him into my mouth. He moaned again, arched his back, and put his hands to my head in the time-honored way of a man receiving oral love.

His fingertips traced the scar lines along the sides of my face.

Fear overtook desire and rocketed past it. I tried to jerk away from him. If he had let me, I would have left him there and run.

He didn't let me. He held my head firmly but without hurting me, looked directly into my eyes and waited for me to calm down, as I had done for him. In a moment we were kissing again. He wrapped all his limbs around me, an embrace so complete that I couldn't imagine ever breaking it, or wanting to. Fear sputtered and died, and desire came rushing back.

When I settled myself onto him, my own building excitement, which I had hardly noticed while ministering to him, crescendoed abruptly. In half a minute I was coming more strongly than I had thought possible, literally screaming as he clutched me and pressed himself into me. When he climaxed a few minutes later, I came again as well. The powerful double orgasm left me weak, trembling, and completely out of breath.

Still he would not let me go. He held me as if I were the last barrier between him and total destruction. Presently we were both crying again, as we caressed each other gently and with love.

------

"Thank you."

"Hm?" I had been drifting toward sleep in the warmth of the afternoon and his embrace.

"You've been awfully kind."

That brought me awake. "You think this was just an expression of sympathy?"

"What else? I'm no prize."

I pulled back a little and studied his face. He appeared completely serious, but if I'd been any good at reading him, I'd have bagged him long ago.

"I have been trying, without perceptible progress, to get you to notice me for nearly a year. Today I decided to stop waiting for you to move."

He frowned. "Come on."

"Seriously!"

"A goddess like you has to be able to do better than me."

Goddess?

"Run this by me at half-speed, please."

He looked a little away. "I'm not much. I'm not young, not big or handsome, not sociable or popular. I'm just a middle-aged engineer. I'd be foolish to think I could play in your league."

He sounded calm, fatalistic. He wasn't fishing; he believed what he'd said. With one hand I turned his head back to face me squarely. I spoke slowly and with as little inflection as I could manage.

"You are the brightest, kindest, bravest man I've ever known. You're also wonderful in bed. I have wanted you practically since the day we met. After what you did today, I couldn't restrain myself anymore. I only wish I'd done this sooner."

He was plainly afraid to believe me.

"Didn't you read anything from the way I dressed and acted around you?"

"I thought it was just your normal style."

"Well, yes, sort of, but I focused it on you so exclusively... you really couldn't tell?"

He shook his head. The reluctance to allow himself to believe was strong. "You don't have anyone else?"

I forced a smile. "Not for quite some time, darlin'. And I don't want anyone else. After what you did today, I had to have you."

"That's the second time you've said that. What did I do, other than cry all over you?"

"You faced down that rotten bastard in his own office!"

He drew a deep breath. "We're going to pay a hell of a price for that."

"So? You knew it would be that way. If I had been there alone, I might have given in."

He looked away again. "I didn't do it for you. In fact, I was worried you'd hate me for it."

"I know that. But it helped me anyway. I don't have your clarity, and I'm not as forthright as you are. Not all the time, anyway."

His head snapped around at that.

"Not as forthright? NOT AS FORTHRIGHT? You just shanghaied me away from work, tore my clothes off, ravished me to a turn, and made me fall completely in love with you, in a little over an hour. If that doesn't qualify as direct action, what does?"

Even with my heart trying to punch through the wall of my chest, I had to laugh. "It's nothing compared to what I've thought about doing to you."

"I don't suppose I'm ready to hear about any of that."

"No, not yet." I smoothed his hair, ran my fingertips along his jawline. "Did you ever entertain any thoughts about me?" I paused, swallowed hard, and forged ahead. "Was my face a problem?"

I had expected anything but his look of shocked disbelief. Once again, he put his hands to my scarred, worn face and stroked it. He might have been caressing something infinitely precious, a great work of art.

"You are the most beautiful woman I've ever known. You should see yourself when we work. You practically glow. It's taken all the self-control I have to keep my hands off you."

It was my turn to disbelieve, but it didn't last. It was washed away by the sudden flood of joy. In an instant I realized that I should have known better all along.

"Why didn't you move? Why didn't you say anything?"

"Love has never worked out for me. You know about my ex-wife. She wasn't the only one. I don't think I have what it takes to keep a woman happy."

"How often did you have to stop yourself from...whatever?"

"Many, many times. But you're such a bombshell, I could never... I was so afraid I'd offend you!" Eyes as large as saucers. "I meant it, you know."

My pulse began to race again. "I believe you. How long has it been?"

"Thirteen years."

"What? You mean, since your wife left you?"

He nodded. "What about you?"

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I've never loved anyone before."

"Never?"

"Standards too high, I guess."

"What are your standards?"

Oh, that penetrating gaze. I took another deep breath and did my best to sound casual.

"Brains, personality, character. Joy in living. Appreciation of me... You qualify."

He closed his eyes and started to tremble. I pulled him to me again.

"I'm all right."

"I know."

"I've been alone a long time. I've developed a lot of bad habits."

"Same here."

"It's going to be hard."

"I know." I grinned over his shoulder. "Frequently, I hope. I'm counting on it."

------

He was right in every particular. The company did fire us both, about a week later. The cause cited was insubordination. The director added his own flavor to the affair by alleging that he had caught us trying to fudge the acceptance test to hide our inability to complete the project. Neither of us wasted a moment trying to fight it. "Don't hang around where you're not wanted," he said. He had already moved in with me, and we had been making preparations. No one who knew either of us gave the allegations the slightest credence.

We're both self-employed now. In fact, we hire out as a team only. The scramble for business is tedious and unending. We have to watch every penny. But we're together nearly all the time, and the light in his eyes when he looks at me is worth more than anything I've had to give up. And it doesn't cost anything to make love.

I guess it wasn't lust after all.

-- The End --