God and Adam

God was watching Eastenders. Don't ask me how, but they do say he works in mysterious ways. And being omnipotent, he could, if it was his wont, sit under a larger tree in a beautiful garden and watch the miserable faces of walford. Especially as this was Sunday all and his day off. Just put all calls on the answer machine and let 'em pray.

Life was sweet.

When he notice Adams figure meandering along the meadow he guessed that life wouldn't be so sweet for much longer.

Adam plonked his self down next to the lord. He stood just as fast and something sharp got him right up his naked arse.

"Serves you right, y'know, I am the almighty, you should have a bit more respect for my presence."

"Sorry god, mate"

God Sighed. Pauline was complaining of the lack of family values, and He was going to miss the duff duff duuff cliff-hanger. "ok what do you want this time."

"I was wondering, god mate, What the point of us. I mean me and eve, like we're enjoying it and all, but what are we doing here."

"Well you're here to look after the garden, taking care of all the beasts that you have mastery and sing my praises for all eternity. You are a cross between charley Dimmock, Rolf Harris and Thora Hurd"

Adam didn't get the references but was stuck on the Eternity bit. "You mean we're going to live for ever? Cool."

"No, No. In a while You And eve will get down to some serious begetting and have a couple of sons. And they will beget there sons and they will beget sons."

"Just sons then? I'm not sure that Eve will like that. I mean if she's the only woman, around, she's going to end up doing an awful lot of begetting to keep up with them"

"Eve will...? No God no, I will create some more females. Not sure what species though."

Adam looked relived. "So we just go churning out kids for ever and ever, and you'll make sure the garden will look after us for ever and ever. Y'know you must be the coolest god around. I love you."

"Well you lot must play your part. Make sure you look after each other, have every man look after the garden and make sure that its resources are used well. After all the garden is only so big."

"What happens if we beget too many then? What happens if the garden gets too full? How many is too many?"

"Well, garden is a big place. I cant see man breeding more than three billion and the garden will take that easy if you look after it." Dot cotton was loading in the laundrette. She never looked any older than when the show first started, god mused absently. Mind you see was old even then. He look over for TV Quick to see what was on next. It was Sunday, so his hopes weren't high.

"But God mate, how I'm I to know when We've hit the magic three billon? I cant count to one."

"Oh don't worry. When you get too high, I make the men stop fancying the woman. It will slow right down from them. Don't worry, you just start the begetting and the rest will sort it self." He'd been right nothing on the telly until worlds naughtiest blunders and he'd seen most of the clips already. Next was the antique roadshow and He hate all these home and gardening shows. All that seemed to be on was decorate the house decorate the garden, sell the house, buy a house, do up a house, buy a holiday home, lets go antiquing! And why did they all where scarves? Were they a free gift at presenter school?

"So No disease, feminine and thermonuclear war then, god mate. that's good coos I was a bit worried about that lot."

"Thermo nuclear WHAT? What the place down stairs you on about Adam? Just look at the garden, every thing is sweet. Who's being tell you about such nonsense?"

"Snake. He'd popped round to see eve with some fruit, and they had a good chinwag. Always gossiping are them two. I was going to invent a fence for them to chat over, but I've been busy recently with my idea for a Wheel. Its really cool, god mate. I allows me to move stuff with out the use of elephant. I'm at the experimental stage now where I'm trying out different shapes."

"Look, snake is a trouble causer. Don't listen him. If he comes round again tell him I said to tell him to piss right off, any where but Ireland. If he doesn't I'm going to disappear his legs. Bloody snake. I don't know where he gets his ideas from, but I wish he would go around sharing them. As long as you do as I want Every thing will be sweet."

Adam Thought about it. He knew god could be vengeful, so was doing the smart thing and keeping his mouth shut for a bit. He'd wished Eve could learn to do the same thing. After looking thought full he got up and wandered off.

"Bye then" God called. 'That lad really ought to learn some manners' He thought. 'Perhaps he should let them have a go on the knowledge tree. Might keep the little sod out off my hair.' "Where you off to anyway?"

"The Beach. Eves topping up her tan down there."

"Well tell here to keep out of the sea. It took me ages to get the smell off the fish last time."