Guilty Pleasure Ch. 03byVinsmouse©
Disclaimer: I don't own the Dukes of Hazzard, not making any money, just cheap thrills
Warning: Angst, Slash, Violence, Incest
Italics and/or * indicates thoughts
-------Indicates a change in the point of view. The chapter begins from the watcher's point of view.
By the time I recovered from the shock of my cousin's words, he had turned over and closed his eyes. I didn't really believe that he had fallen asleep so quickly, but I decided to let him alone until morning. Besides he was right, I could use the time to think. Laying on the motel bed, I knew there wouldn't be any sleep for me tonight. I kept hearing his voice as he told me his story. I hadn't missed the pain that had been there throughout his narration. That bothered me a lot too, if it hurt so much for him to tell me what he had tonight, how much worse would it be when he told me about that club. *Oh God! Is that what he wants from me? Does he want me to...hurt him like they did? Stop it, don't matter none anyway. I don't feel that way about him do I? And he'd never try to force me...would he? Don't be stupid, he may not be exactly the man you thought he was, but he'd never make you or anybody else do something they didn't want.* Turning onto my side, I lay there watching him sleep and wondering again how he could let those men treat him like that?
*This doesn't make any sense cousin, I kind of understand going to the regular bars. I just can't figure out why you started going to a place like that one I followed you to. I know you said it was supposed to purge you of your guilt, but there ain't no reason for guilt. Even if I don't feel the same way as you, it's not your fault that you have those feelings. Now how am I going to make you see that there ain't any reason for guilt? I know I can't just leave you here, that's for sure. But...how do I feel? I never really thought about it before this, or maybe I never let myself think about it?* I couldn't help thinking, not as I lay there remembering all the fun times we'd had together. How many times had I chosen to spend time with my cousin instead of a girl? *I sure never gave up a date just to spend time with Daisy or Uncle Jesse, but does that mean anything? * All night I spent remembering all the times we'd shared together, all the fun we'd had, and wondering if it meant anything. By dawn, I had finally come to a decision.
I woke up the next morning and slowly opened my eyes. Afraid of what I would find, I turned over. It took everything I had to hold back the sob when I saw the empty bed next to me. Telling myself that maybe he was just in the bathroom, I carefully stood up and walked to the other room. Knocking on the door and receiving no answer, I quietly opened the door and peeked around it. Seeing the empty room on the other side of the door, I lost it! Stumbling back to the bed, I fell onto it. Curling into a ball, I began to shake with the realization that in one night I had lost not only the man I loved, but my whole family. No way could I stay at the farm after this. It would be too hard on both of us and maybe if I went away, he wouldn't tell Uncle Jesse or Daisy about me. I'd have to make up a story to explain why I was leaving, something that would allow me to keep my secret. Maybe I wouldn't have to lose them completely, only him...I didn't know how I would handle that, but I knew I'd have to. My heart nearly stopped when I felt the hand on my back....
I opened the door to the room, balancing the bag of food and two coffees, wondering if he would be awake yet. Quietly nudging the door shut, I sat the food and coffee on the dresser. Turning back to the beds, I was surprised to see my cousin lying on the bed and shaking like a leaf. Hurrying to his side, I placed a hand on his back. My heart nearly broke when he turned over and looked at me with fear-filled blue eyes. "What is it cousin? What's wrong?"
"Are you really here? I'm not imagining things?" He slowly reached a hand towards me as though he were afraid I would disappear if he dared to touch me.
Grabbing his hand, I gave a gentle squeeze, "I'm real cousin. Is that what's wrong? You thought I left?"
"Yeah...so where did ya go?" He asked in a voice so soft I could barely hear him.
"Thought we might want some breakfast," I told him, pointing at the bags sitting on the dresser.
"Oh, good idea cousin. Sorry about that."
"It's okay, I guess if it had been me I would've thought the same thing. I should've left a note, didn't mean to upset ya," I told him, giving his shoulder a gentle squeeze. Standing up, I went to the dresser. Taking the food from the bags, I began to divide it between us. I glanced in the mirror and saw my cousin getting up and coming towards me. Pushing his food a little apart, I handed him the cup of hot coffee. We sat there eating our food in silence, it seemed like neither of us knew what to say this morning. Finally I realized that he was wrapped in the towel he'd worn the night before. "Your clothes, um, are you gonna be able to..."
"Not the jeans or boxers, they're ruined," he answered, interrupting me. "If you could go out to the car, I've got a bag in the trunk, it has a change of clothes."
"You always bring extra clothes with you?"
"Have to, I never know for sure what's going to happen and, well I can't very well take them home to Daisy when they look like that." He nodded toward the pile of clothes in the trash can.
Funny I hadn't even noticed him throwing them away, but then I did have other things on my mind. Standing up, I walked outside and opened the trunk of the loaner. Grabbing the small bag from inside, I returned to the room and handed it to him. Taking the bag, he went into the bathroom, coming back out a couple of minutes later dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. "So now what?"
"Guess that depends on you cousin, do you want me to leave?"
"Leave? Of course I don't want you to leave, why would I? You thought I'd expect you to leave because of this? I..." I stopped speaking then, couldn't think of what to say next.
"What else could I think? I mean after what you saw and what I told you, why would you still want me around? If you don't want me to leave, then what did you mean?"
"I didn't mean for you to leave, that's for sure. I, well there's still more for you to tell me, I was wondering if you were going to tell me the rest of it now?"
Looking at him, I couldn't believe that he didn't want me to leave. Of course like he said there's more to tell. I had to wonder if he would be changing his mind by the time I finished my story. "I don't think we better get started on that right now. Uncle Jesse'll be expecting us and there's chores to be done. Maybe after we get our chores done we can go somewhere. I promise I'll tell you the rest cousin, I just want to make sure we've got time and privacy when I do."
"You're probably right. Well guess we better get going then," he suggested, grabbing the car keys and my bag. While he went to the car, I walked to the office and checked us out. We drove back to the cemetary in silence. When we got there, he climbed into the General and we headed for home, planning to return the loaner after chores. As soon as we pulled into the yard, I saw Daisy hanging clothes on the line and Uncle Jesse working on the old tractor. Climbing out of the loaner, I gave Daisy and Uncle Jesse a quick wave before heading inside. As I opened the back door, I heard Uncle Jesse call my cousin over. I wondered as I went on in, if I should go ahead and pack myself a bag, or would he keep my secret from our uncle?
Jogging over to where Uncle Jesse stood, I knew by the look on his face he was expecting answers. Answers I knew I couldn't give him right now. "Uncle Jesse, I know you want to know what I found out, but please don't ask me right now."
"Is it that bad?"
"It's not good, but I haven't gotten the whole story yet. Besides it's not my secret to tell, we're planning to go somewhere private after chores, so we can talk. Maybe after that I can convince him to tell you and Daisy what's been going on with him." I offered, hoping he wouldn't press the issue and knowing my cousin would never tell them everything. Not that I blamed him, I wished I didn't know, and had a feeling it wouldn't be the first time I wished for that.
"Alright, just answer me a couple of questions and I'll give you time. Is he doing anything illegal? And, is he in any danger?"
"No Uncle Jesse, it's nothing like that," I told him, not sure I was being completely honest, but knowing I couldn't answer any other way.
"Then I'll trust you to help him, for now. Just remember if it's more than you can handle, I'm here whenever you need me. Now, all I need from you boys today is the barn roof patched and then y'all can take off and do what you need to."
"Thanks Uncle Jesse, guess I better go get him or he'll hide out all day." Walking into the house, I headed to the room I shared with my cousin. Opening the door, I was surprised to find him standing next to his bed, his bag open and quickly filling with clothes. "Going somewhere?"
"I don't know, do I still have a home?"
"What are ya talking about?" I asked him, confused by the anger I heard in his voice.
"Didn't you tell Uncle Jesse what you found out?"
"No, of course not. What do you take me for? I won't lie, he asked, but I told him it ain't my secret to tell. I also told him we still got some talking to do, which he's fine with. He was just worried about you cousin, we all were, are."
"I'm sorry, I should've known better."
"You're forgiven. Now, Uncle Jesse says he wants us to patch the barn roof and then we can have the rest of the day to ourselves. I figure we ought to be done in a couple of hours, then we'll take the loaner back and go up to still site number four."
"Sounds good to me, let's do it."
Two hours later, we were putting the tools away and getting ready to go into town. It wasn't long after that we were once again in the General and pulling up to the old still site. Pulling ourselves out of the car, I nervously leaned against the side of the car, while he sat on the steps of the cabin. We stayed like that for twenty minutes, neither of us knowing where to start. Finally I couldn't take the silence any more, "You said that somebody told you that places like that were a way to purge you of guilt. Guilt over your feelings for me?"
"Right to the point. Yeah, and guilt over being gay, for not being normal. It's hard to explain, I didn't start going there planning to end up like I did last night. I told ya how nervous I was the first few times I went to a regular gay bar, this was even worse. I still ain't figured out how I managed to even get around in there without running people over, cause I sure wasn't gonna look away from the floor. I guess if I had kept looking at the floor I wouldn't have ended up where I was last night, but I looked up. I made it to the bar and ordered a beer, but I still hadn't looked up, then he sat down beside me. I don't know his name, it's not really the kind of place where you exchange names."
"I guess it wouldn't be."
"Well I took one look in his eyes and it was like he could see into my soul. He told me he could help me, said if I wanted help to follow him. I don't really know why, but I did, right into one of the back rooms. As soon as we were inside the room, he ordered me to strip. I didn't move at first, so he stepped forward and pulled my shirt open for me. He told me that he was a dom, said he could teach me the joy of letting someone else take control. That if I let him, he would show me how I could find my true self and fight my fears by giving him control. I ain't real sure why I believed him, but I did and he taught me."
"Taught you what? How to be a whore?"
I couldn't help flinching from his words, but I understood them too. "I suppose there's some truth in that, but it's more about...atoning."
I could tell he was confused, I only hoped I could help him to understand. "For being gay, for loving the wrong person...."
"You're telling me that you let men hurt you, use you to make up for loving me?"
Stalking over to me, and grabbing my shirt he shook me as hard as he could.
"How dare you? How could you ever think that I would want to see you hurt for loving me? Damn you, ya had no right to do that to yourself cousin, not because of..." He trailed off, slamming his fist into my jaw before running into the woods. I could hear him as he retched, I hated that I had upset him so much that it had made him sick. I wasn't surprised though, what other reaction could I have expected?
When he returned, he went directly to the trunk of the General and grabbed a jug of water. Rinsing his mouth, he replaced the jug and shut the trunk. He stood there, staring at me for several minutes. Walking slowly to where I still sat on the ground, he reached out a hand and pulled me to my feet. Expecting him to let go as soon as I was on my feet, I was shocked when he continued pulling me forward. The feel of his lips on mine was so unexpected that it took several minutes for me to react. I had just barely begun to return the kiss, when he pulled away and ran to the General. Jumping into the window, "Don't leave please, I just need a little time." Sliding into the car, he turned the key and drove away, I stood there watching him go, wondering when or if he'd be back.
Well there you have it, chapter 3 and the mystery continues. Please review, the muse is getting hungry again.