Half Dome

I would be alright even if it meant being alone. I would just have to find another way to laugh.

There was an irony, a realization, that slapped me in the face with such force that I almost jumped over the side of Half Dome. Climbing and meditating are not so far apart. From the meditation, the introspection, come moments of understanding that hit me like a bird dropping. Ever had a bird drop shit on you? It is a strange feeling. It happens fast. The bird flies off before you can say or do anything. The insight, bird-shit insight, was so profoundly simple that I chuckled to myself.

We can never control the degree of love someone else has for us so why should I hold the illusion Claudia loved me exclusively, in the way I loved her? The thought, though sad, was liberating.

That moment of insight came on so quickly (some may even call it an epiphany) and told me I was mourning the loss of Claudia's innocence, or at least what I perceived to be innocence. It was a perception that made sense to me. Part of me suddenly realized I had held her to a Platonic standard of innocence which had little to do with the depth of my love. The loss was not Claudia's loss of innocence it was my perception she was pure, innocent, and my perfect love. The realization that my perceptions had been shattered did not alleviate my pain; it just put responsibility back on me for what I did with the rest of my life.

Sure, it had been a shock to see the video of Claudia with another man. It was traumatic and challenged my thinking. But it was my innocence that was now also lost, not Claudia's. If I had been so naively innocent, at least for the last 7 years, I realized Claudia lived with the knowledge she had violated a trust?

It was time to leave Half Dome, to climb down the back side and face Claudia.

By 1:15PM I was beginning my decent down the backside of Half Dome. When I reached the backside base of Half Dome I circled around to the base where the parking lot was. Climbing Half Dome had given me the opportunity to leave my anxieties on the rock. During my decent I grappled with feelings that were new to me, in a raw and primordial way. I continued to search my memory for a time when I had failed Claudia and could not think of any. Though I knew where I was on Half Dome I felt lost and confused. There was nothing tangible. I also believed there had been no behaviors indicating Claudia had ever been unhappy with me or our marriage.

Yet, nothing would change the fact she'd fucked another man then hid it from me. Nothing.

It was after 6:00PM when the Half Dome parking lot came into view. Every muscle in my body was sore but I had not broken any bones (frequently I break a finger while climbing). As tired as I felt, emotionally and physically, seeing my FJ gave me a little boost of energy. I picked up my pace, thinking I'd climb into the back of the Cruiser and sleep for a few hours before driving out of Yosemite, maybe in the direction of Bishop or Mammoth Lakes and find a hotel room where I could wash off the dirt and sweat left from the Half Doom climb.

There is a restaurant located at the old County Airport in Bishop where I could get a wonderful Thai meal. The restaurant, Thai-Thai, had been one of those discoveries Claudia and I made 4 years ago. I was thinking it would be an ideal place for us to have an authentic Thai meal and discuss our future. At the same time I no longer expected everything would be alright.

It was more than alright. It was reality.

I was tossing my back pack into the back of the FJ, having opened the rear door, when I heard her voice, a voice I would recognize anyplace. I was, for a moment surprised to hear the voice wondering how she'd known I would climb Half Dome? I guess I disliked the fact I could to be so predictable.

It also told me that, regardless of what happened between Claudia and me, she knew me better than anyone.

"I'm so sorry Eric." What else was she going to say? To be remorseful was important.

"Claudia? I thought you were in Zion?" I wasn't ready to really ready to discuss her apology. I didn't know if I would ever be able to accept her apology. Yet, it was good to know there was remorse on her part.

"Well, Eric, I thought it more important to be here, with you, where I feel safe. Where I can see and hear you. After I read your email last night I decided to do my best to find you." I stood just looking at my wife as if seeing her for the first time. My blinders were gone.

She was still incredibly beautiful, at least to me.

"Can we go someplace to talk, please?" I thought it a little funny she wanted to talk even when I knew it was exactly what we needed to do.

Why didn't she come to me after fucking James and ask to talk? Because we were so immature back then? I probably would have gone ballistic and kicked her ass out the door. Kicking her out the door was a definite possibility even now. We did need to talk and her little-girl "please" reminded me of the kinds of things she could do to get me to bend towards her.

Claudia was no longer a little girl.

"I need a bath and by the looks of you getting clean may be a priority." Claudia winced as I mentioned the need to get clean. I was not thinking of the figurative "getting clean" until I saw it in her eyes.

"How about we meet in Bishop at the Best Western on Highway 395? I need a bath then we can find a little restaurant. Will this work for you? And Claudia, I'm not promising anything at this point, at least not until I have a better idea of what the weather is like, tomorrow." Weather was a reference to that wild card climbers always needed to pay close attention to. Their life often depended on which way the wind blew, literally.

Claudia nodded her head in agreement. I could tell she was fighting back tears, as I was. Seeing Claudia had changed my plans. I'd thought a few hours of sleep was warranted before making the trip back to the Bay Area, to San Francisco. Now it seemed like a good idea to make the 55 mile drive to Bishop.

"Eric, why don't we stop in Mammoth, it is closer?" As soon as Claudia made the suggestion she looked at me and her tears started to fall. "Sorry, bad idea, yes?" Mammoth Lakes where she'd fucked James Dean Marshall so long ago.

"Yep. Bad idea." The thought of going someplace that held the memory of a time, even if it was a seven-year-old memory, was a very bad idea.

Claudia in Bishop

I pulled into the Best Western parking lot right behind Eric. He went into the office and got us a room with 2 Queen sized beds. The room was clean and spacious but it was not home and the significance of two beds was evident. It was a place to get physically clean and rest and not much more. I was not expecting anything else until we'd resolved where our marriage would be the day-after-tonight.

Eric's demeanor had changed and that frightened me. Of course, I had changed. He was polite but kept his distance. Once in the room he stripped off his t-shirt and sat down in a chair with a bottle of water. We were both dirty, tired and our lives were very much in crisis. I'd had seven years to grapple with my infidelity. Eric had a single day to digest the information. I'd lived with the shame for 7 years! Would it take 7 years to convince Eric I loved him and wanted his child? If it took 7 years to convince him then that is the penance I am willing to do but I didn't believe Eric would wait 7 years.

I'd made no such plans for what I would say or do if this day ever arrived.

When Eric insisted I shower first I did not argue. Once I was in the bathroom I quickly peeled off my clothes and entered the shower, making sure the water a hot. I was feeling "dirty". Once I'd finished washing my hair I heard the bathroom door open. Through the beveled glass shower door I could tell Eric was naked. He moved his hard muscled limbs with coordinated confidence. At first I thought he was going to use the toilet or brush his teeth so I was surprised when he opened the shower door and got into the shower with me.

After all, I was now dirty!

Eric didn't speak as he pulled me to him with a deliberateness that told me he was not asking, he was taking what he wanted. Though he frightened me I was inwardly excited. I wanted him to fuck me in a way that told me I was his and only his.

Eric's hands were rough from callouses and cuts sustained while climbing Half Dome. He didn't mean to hurt me but his fingers and hands scratched my soft white skin. When he pulled me to him his 24-hour beard scratched as well. I knew I would soon look like I'd been sandpapered but didn't really care.

We did not speak. I was afraid talking would cause Eric to turn away from me and that was the last thing I wanted. I wanted him to want me. I wanted him to take me in a way that was new to both of us. I silently made up my mind I would not deny him anything! I would make sure I was all he needed as a friend, lover and wife. I could be all those things.

Eric turned me to him, his lips and mouth covering my lips. While he did this his hands seemed to maul every part of my body, pinching and pulling nipples and skin with a deliberate roughness that was uncharacteristic of how we usually "made love". His fingers soon were easily being pushed into me, fingers that pinched and pulled my vaginal lips to the point where he was hurting me. As I moaned my response into his mouth he seemed to increase his attack like an animal that did not care about his mate. What Eric was doing had nothing to do with trying to satisfy either of us. It bordered on what a dog does when claiming his bitch.

Was this the price I was to pay for a 7-year-old mistake? So be it.

Eric seemed oblivious to my tears as he raised my left leg with one hand while guiding his cock into me. There was no subtle seduction, no loving caresses, and no concern for what I was feeling. He was taking me letting his cock claim his bitch. The only comfort was that Eric and I were, for the time being, together and that gave me hope.

I was surprised when I felt my own orgasm rise from some unseen place deep within me. I did not at first recognize what was happening. I relaxed as best I could and gave into the feeling, the emotional release, and ecstatic sense of release.

After coming I realized Eric was still pumping in-and-out of me. He seemed crazed and it felt like pure anger was now slamming into me with mindless force. That was when he spun me around so he could enter me from behind. As he did this he pushed me forward then proceeded to use the hotel soap on my back and ass. I think I let out a whimper when I realized what he was about to do, not because I was afraid he'd hurt me, but because we'd rarely had anal sex. Usually we talked about it and Eric took his time making sure I was ready for him. It was an act of love that had always been special and exciting.

There was nothing special about what was happening now. This was not an act of love yet I knew I loved Eric beyond reason. He did not use his tongue or fingers to loosen up my tiny asshole he simply soaped up my asshole and forced the head of his cock deep into my ass. He would stop when he was half way inside of me to let me adjust and accommodate to his intrusion and size, then slam into my bowels. Eric had already had an orgasm but stayed hard so it seemed like he pounded my ass for a long, long time.

The shower constantly fell upon us as if washing away the dirt and comforting our sore muscles and tired minds.

If we were both tired from climbing and driving we were both soon exhausted. The water did feel good but Eric "taking" me with such force was something he'd never done before and I knew I was going to be sore beyond belief. Once Eric came inside of me he held onto me, my breasts smashed against the tiled shower wall. They would also be sore for days to come.

"Claudia?" Eric's voice was a hoarse whisper in my ear.

He held me firmly against the shower wall but was now holding me with less force.

"Yes?" All I could do was let him know I heard him and was listening. I was doing more than listening, my entire body was listening to every sound and touch.

"It would kill me if I were to ever learn there was someone else, another act of fucking another man, even if years past." He did not let me off of the tiled wall. Every part of me hurt like hell. Yet, I knew I would never be able to lie to him again, even if it was a simple lie of omission. Hiding the video tape had been a serious lie of omission.

I suspected Eric had not received my email reply. It was information he needed to know now.

"Eric, I have not been with anyone else since we have been married. It was the only time and I have regretted it since that day. Please search your heart and know I would die before ever doing something like that again." The shower water made me blink and shake my head.

As I shook my head, meaning to shake the water out of my eyes and off my hair, I hit Eric in the nose.

Eric then released his hold on me. When he turned me to face he seemed to have relaxed and he was holding his nose. There was a smile on his face as a little trail of blood mixed with the shower water dribbled down the drain. It was enough for both of us to break down and laugh. It was the laughter, more than the sex that I welcomed.

"I believe you. Tomorrow you will have to tell me the entire story. For now I think we both need to sleep." Eric's words came to me as heavenly music, music that came as words of love and forgiveness. The "entire story" left me with a somewhat bad taste in my mouth. Did he really believe me? Did he honestly, believe me? God, I hoped so!

I did sleep very well. Maybe I'd slept too well, because I did not hear Eric when he got out of bed, showered and went out the hotel room door. When I reached for him and did not find him next to me I reasoned he'd stepped out to get coffee but the thought was not something I believed. I was alone in the hotel room and suddenly had a very unsettling feeling.

Slipping out of bed I did a quick search of the room and bathroom to confirm Eric was not there. Yes, I recalled the evening before when he'd fucked me in the shower. That fact was reinforced by my soreness and I guessed my vaginal area had been bruised in the process. I was dreading having to discuss the "entire story" and reasoned he would be back to listen to my explanation. There was no note conveniently left on the little round table.

I was frightened as I realized ""making things right" was not going to be easy and a "rough fuck" did not constitute make-up sex. Then I thought he might have left me a text message and quickly retrieved my cell phone only to learn my battery had died. "Shit!" I quickly got the wall charger out of my bag, plugged in the phone, and hit the "on" button. As the phone came to life it "dinged" several times letting me know I did have messages.

Relieved and fearful I opened Eric's text. "Claudia, I am sorry for being rough last night. I scared myself and realize now that my anger, my fear and hurt, won't magically disappear because we love each other. And I do love you! Yet I need to know there have been no other men in your life, at least since, James? I will see you at home. L, Eric"

After a quick shower I left Bishop and made the lonely drive over the Sierra Nevada Range. The Bay Area would be considerably cooler and, for now, I hoped Eric and I could find a way to reconcile the seven-year-old damage. If we survived, and I needed to be as optimistic as possible, I made a pledge to never again hide anything from the man I loved!

Finis