Happy Anniversary - Amy's Story

I argued quietly to myself, "He couldn't have died on Thursday afternoon; the boys said he visited them on Thursday and Friday nights."

I looked to my father and saw he was holding the letter James had written to me; it was supposed to be private but he'd obviously read it; he was shaking his head as he looked at me and he was crying. I'd never seen my dad crying before.

I sat up quickly and exclaimed, "The children! Where are my children?"

My mother answered as she handed me a cup of hot tea, "They're with your brother. They're all understandably very upset and so angry with you. We didn't realise until it was too late that all the kids had walked into the house as the police were telling you about James. They'd seen their car outside and came in to see what was happening.

Amy, they're blaming you for James' death and are refusing to stay in the house or be anywhere near you. They even packed their bags before they left with your brother; they said they're never coming back to you.

You have to understand that we couldn't stop them; they told everyone at the party what they saw you doing on Thursday afternoon with your lover. You've no idea how much we hoped they were making it up but then we read James's letter and it confirmed everything they said.

Amy, how could you? The letter said that you'd totally destroyed him when you cuckolded him every night on your cruise. He heard you were going to divorce him to live with your lover and take the children from him."

I was crying again; I couldn't help it as I thought, "No one was ever supposed to know anything about Michael and me. Now my life's destroyed. My god, where did James get the idea I wanted to divorce him; I'd never do that. I was finished with Michael; I only wanted my husband."

I could tell even now that my parents refused to forgive me.

She continued, "You've absolutely no idea how ashamed I am to be your mother; you did such a terrible thing to someone who worshipped the ground you walked on. James loved you more than anything else in the world and you completely crushed him. Amy, you destroyed someone who loved you.

I'm sorry Amy, but you killed him as sure as stick a knife through his heart. Actually, a knife through his heart might have been more humane as it would have been quicker than dying slowly over a few weeks knowing of your adultery."

I wanted my mother to forgive me like a priest would give absolution but she didn't stop berating me. I looked to my father for help but he couldn't see me; his head was now in his hands as he continued to cry for the man I'd destroyed or was he crying because I had caused the tragedy that had unfolded around me?

My mother should've been there for me in my time of sorrow but she wasn't. She was in the room with me but there were no words of support.

She gave one last salvo, "You, Amy, are directly responsible for James taking his own life and you're also responsible for your children hating you now. I can't begin to think what your friends will say when they hear you were at home partying on as you celebrated your birthday and your wedding anniversary when your husband lay dead in a park because he was too ashamed of your cheating. Some loving wife you are! Did you cheat on your wedding night too?"

James had hurt me so much by killing himself; I thought I was devoted to him and I called out, "But I love him. Why did he kill himself? I never wanted to hurt him; he wasn't supposed to find out. How did he know?"

I reached over and pulled my letter from my father's hands as my mother's words kept ringing in my ears. As I read his letter my tears kept flowing.

My Dearest Amy

Please don't forget me and that I loved you with all my heart and soul. I loved you more than life itself and I can't believe that my love wasn't enough for you. Words will never express how hurt I was to discover you no longer loved me Amy. These past few years have been terribly difficult as you drifted away from me. Before that I honestly believed we had a perfect life together. Amy, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. Without you I'm nothing and cannot face another day without your love.

I couldn't bear to face my neighbours, family and friends with them all knowing you had willingly cuckolded me like you have. Worse still, is that I allowed myself to become an accepting cuckold every night on the cruise and I can't live with myself for letting that happen. Why would you hurt me like that? I'd pledged my eternal love for you and I'll be thinking of you and the love we once had together as I take my final breath in a short time. Amy I still love you so much; I always have since we first met all those wonderful years ago and I'll continue loving you for the rest of time if that's possible. I want you so much but you keep pushing me away. I can't believe you now hate me so much.

Do you remember before our cruise when I told you how I couldn't live without you? I can't live without your love so when I heard you tell him you'd divorce me so you could be with him, there would be no point in my existence. I have received advice that if you divorced me I would lose the children as well. Living without you and my darling children would mean a very slow painful death for me and you've left me the only option available. I pray that you'll be very happy with Michael and the children learn to love him in time. Please remind the children of me every so often and tell them I loved them so much. Tell your parents I loved them like they were my own and I would've missed them as well.

It's too late to wish we'd never gone on the cruise; in any case you had looked forward to it so much. Even though I knew I would be sea sick, I wanted to make it a special time for us and re-ignite our love for each other after the difficult time we've had for the past six years when you've refused me. I was destroyed when I discovered you went willing to Michael and you started having the affair from the very first night on the cruise. One night was bad enough but you willing went back to him every day and night, including our night, our anniversary.

Amy, I really hoped letting your affair happen would solve your problems and you would love me again. So I did nothing to stop you and I prayed I could eventually get over the unbelievable pain and hurt you caused me and that I could soon forgive you. I wanted to believe your affair would have been just a romantic cruise thing and once home our lives would return to normal but they didn't. After you fucked him you still treated me like a leper when we came home and refused me even the most basic of marital pleasures. When you made love to him again this afternoon it became obvious you no longer felt anything for me.

Please understand I couldn't confront you on the cruise in case it drove you further away from me. I waited for you to leave him this afternoon after I disturbed you and come home with me but you didn't leave him. Before I left I stood next to the door and it was obvious from the noise who you loved. You have no idea of my pain and humiliation I felt knowing you were with him giving him the love that should've been mine.

Amy, I thought I was stronger but you have finally succeeded in totally destroying me through your actions. They only confirmed my worst fears that you no longer wanted me in your life.

I wanted to stop you meeting with him during the cruise but even when you were with me in the cabin it was obvious your mind was with him. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine you would continue it after we came home. I'd hoped you'd quickly forget him but finding you and Michael together making love in that motel made me finally realize you'd made your choice and I'd lost you forever. I can't live without you Amy and I realize there's no longer a place in your heart for me.

I have no future; no life worth living without you. My life is finished now that I've lost you forever and I cannot keep going on living knowing that you love someone else now. You've taken away my reason for living.

I will love you forever.

Your loving husband

James.

My tears were streaming down my face as I called out, "But James, I don't love anyone else. I'm so sorry. You were sick and it was so romantic on the cruise. I never thought you'd find out. James, please come back to me!"

But of course he couldn't.

Turning to my father I held out my hand wanting his reassurance I still had his love. He looked at me for a moment then shook his head slowly and with his head held low he slowly walked away from me and out of the room.

Now that I was awake, my mother told me, "We have to pick up the kids from your brother's place and take them home with us; Amy, they have refused to stay here any longer. In any case your father's taken James's death really hard and is shocked at your betrayal. He's very uncomfortable about the whole situation and wants to go home as soon as possible."

A few minutes later I watched my parents drive off to pick up my children. My house was empty with only the sound heard being that of a mantle clock ticking. As I walked around the house aimlessly the full realization of what I had done to my husband and family hit me.

I was alone in my misery and had no one to talk to; no one to share my love with or my grief. Even my parents and children had left me. I had always shared a special bond with my father and now that seemed severed as well. All of our friends had gone as well.

As I crumpled to the floor I cried out again, "No James! No! It was only you I loved. I'm so sorry. I didn't realize you knew! I didn't realise I was hurting you not being with you. Oh God! I didn't think you'd know. I didn't want you to find out!"

The funeral was held the following Friday. James had a lovely service at our church then he was buried next to his parents. I never realized he was so popular and there was standing room only in the church; there were even people standing outside the door as well.

By then, everyone must have known what I'd done to him as the minister and my mother were the only ones who spoke to me before and after the service and at the gravesite; they all came to farewell James but not to share their sorrow at his death with me.

It was most telling when my children sat with my parents in a separate pew away from me. No one sat with me; not even my own brothers and sisters. None of the mourners spoke to me; they avoided me like I had the plague. They all just looked at me; I knew they were staring and whispering to each other about how I had betrayed and killed the man who loved me.

After the service they only spoke to my parents and children as well as James' siblings; not even my own father and children would speak with me.

I thought to myself, "I'm alone; my family and friends have left me. No one cares that I miss him too. Don't they know I'm hurting and grieving as well? God, what have I done?"

When it all was finished they all wandered away in the safety of their groups and left me standing alone at the gravesite crying as I tried to understand why James would've killed himself; how could he have thought I would divorce and leave him.

No one tried to console me; there was no one there with me; no one there for me. Even the priest looked pleased when he was waylaid and distracted and found reason to talk with someone as he quietly slipped away so he didn't have to speak with me again.

My mother had mumbled something about having to get the kids home. They weren't telling the whole truth as I knew they were holding a wake for James at their house; I'd overheard his two brothers talking as I stood by myself, crying; no one had told me about it and I wasn't invited.

The sun was setting and I was still crying and sitting as close as I could to James's coffin when some staff came over to tell me it was closing time. They said I had to leave so they could lock up. They helped me to my feet and asked if anyone was with me as they looked around for someone to take care of me.

I started to sob uncontrollably at that, then one of the workers realised I was alone and escorted me to my car.

As I slowly walked away I saw their front end loader pour dirt onto James's coffin to fill his grave; every bucket full poured onto James seemed to push him further from me.

I sat in my car watching the mound of earth above James until it was too dark to see and then I sat just looking out into the darkness; my darkness; my future without him.

I woke next morning still sitting in my car in the car park at the cemetery. Obviously no one had missed me.

Lonely days turned to lonelier weeks so I decided to email Michael; we had not communicated since my birthday.

I told him, "James killed himself after he caught us cheating and now I'm by myself and very lonely."

His answer shocked me when he said, "It was you who cheated, not me. As far as I'm concerned you were there with his permission and he got his jollies knowing what I was doing to you. When you left every night I thought you were taking our cream pies back to him. If you didn't have his permission, then it's you who destroyed your marriage and killed your husband. I've got an open marriage and my wife and I both play around a bit.

I'm not interested that James has killed himself or that you're by yourself and alone now. Really, we had nothing in common except the cruise and the sex and to be honest it wasn't even great sex. Anyway I've got three children already and I certainly don't want to be saddled with four more or you for that matter."

I remembered he'd told me he loved me when we were walking arm in arm around the top deck in the moonlight; and now this.

I now knew he had stolen my love that should have rightly been James' on the cruise and worse still on our wedding anniversary and my birthday as well. I'd been a complete and total fool as well I'd betrayed the man I loved and who had loved me unconditionally for so long until he could take no more; even in death he loved me.

I'd realized my stupidity far too late; my life was destroyed and the man I loved was dead; gone from my life and I was so lonely without him. I was suddenly angry at James for not being there and protecting me. He should have stopped me; it was his fault.

Although I spoke to my mother most days on the phone, it was over a month later before they brought my children around for a visit; really to pick up some more of their clothes as the season changed.

My father still refused to hold a conversation with me and at best only tolerated my being in the same room with him. How could he treat me like that?

I had let myself go and I hadn't done any housework since the funeral and I found no reason to shower every day; actually not at all. None of our old friends called in to see me or even phoned; they had abandoned me after what I had done to the best husband a wife could ever have.

Cooking wasn't really a problem as I was never hungry anymore and I hardly slept in our bed so I never bothered to change the sheets. When I did sleep there I could smell James on his pillow ..... I cried every time.

I really did try to clean up the house after my parents phoned to say they were on their way but it ended up they all stayed overnight and cleaned up the house for me; my father visited the 24 hour supermarket to re-stock my pantry and freezer as there was no food in the house; only some stale biscuits I had been eating when I felt like it.

It was so nice to have my children around me again but a few times I yelled at them for silly things they did; after that they refused to talk with me again.

The next day while my father drove my children to school my mother drove me to our family doctor.

I'd lost some weight but I knew there was nothing wrong with me; my mother insisted. We waited for a bit as we didn't have an appointment but he saw us as soon as he could. We talked about James' death and about my marriage before the cruise and what I had done on the cruise and since.

I was honest with him as my mother looked on in complete shock; she thought she knew it all already; she was wrong. I told him everything thinking I could convince him there was nothing wrong with me. I had no idea why my mother would think there was.

He asked to see James' letter; I didn't bring it and I certainly didn't know my mother had a copy. We discussed my loss of weight and if I had been looking after myself.

The doctor told me, "I was really saddened to hear James took his life. He never exhibited any signs of suffering from depression. It all must have got on top of him and it's so sad he felt the need to do what he did; he was such a wonderful man. I'm sure he wasn't suffering from depression; what he was suffering from was the result of living long-term with someone who was and also untreated.

There are always counsellors and organisations in our communities who are willing to help if ever anyone reaches the stage where they consider taking their own life.

I don't think it will matter now if I tell you. James came in to see me some months before your cruise to discuss your changed behaviour and moods. I wish I'd had taken more time to help James wrestle with his problem instead of just discussing yours. I hadn't realized how badly your problem had affected him. We both had hoped the cruise would help you. He said you didn't know he was seriously allergic to seasickness medication. Amy, he knew he was going to feel unwell the whole time he was on the boat but went to be with you because he loved you."

He told us he believed I was suffering from depression and it was the cause of our marriage problems long before our cruise and why I didn't let James touch me for six years even though I knew I loved him so much. He went on to say he believed it was the cause of my behaviour on the cruise and since.

He wrote a prescription for some medication and found some bottles of samples for me and opened them and gave me two to take. He told me I would feel a bit sick for the first few days then I would be like the old me from years ago.

He was right; I did feel sick for the next few days as I started taking his tablets but then I realised that I wasn't the one who was sick and stopped taking them.

Then I thought, "How could he even begin to think I had depression. It must have been James who was sick because he took his own life."

It took months before I could convince my children to come home to live with me again, but there was no longer any fun or laughter in our house. God knows I tried to make it up to them but my moods swung so quickly; I blamed them for anything and everything. I was sure the neighbours were sick of my screaming at my kids all the time.

I had to work now for the first time since I married James to supplement my income and the only work I could find was packing bagged chickens into boxes at the local chicken abattoir.

It'd been nearly ten months and our anniversary as well as my birthday was fast approaching. I was very lonely as I still missed James so much.

I found James' 35ml SLR digital camera in his wardrobe and checked to see if any family photos were on it that I could download. There were some great photos of the kids but then I saw photos of Michael and me taken on the cruise; but how?

We were kissing and hugging and holding hands like we were newlyweds. There must have been hundreds of photos but then I started seeing photos of us making love in all sorts of positions and me doing things to Michael I had always refused to do for James.

I was stunned and wondered how James had taken the photos; I thought he had been in bed all the time sick. It was easy to see he was really sick but now it seemed he hadn't stayed in bed all the time.