Harangue

Author's note: Originally I intended to submit a story entitled "Homage" a tribute to an author whose stories I've enjoyed immensely. Because, I never got permission to use his name as my protagonist, I'm submitting this instead.

It is a simple lighthearted flash story. No sex. No real drama. Beaucoup cheating, however.

Finally, I believe I've kept within the Literotica guidelines given the context of the story. If I am mistaken, I apologize.

Hope you enjoy it.

*****

I slowly scanned the sparse decorated living room. I still was finding it hard to believe that after five years of living in the same apartment I was upgrading to a newer and better apartment complex. The vast majority of my belongings were already moved or in storage. I only had the bare necessities to tide me over. In another couple of weeks, I would be completely moved out and ensconced with an additional thousand square feet and modern appliances.

Not that I was really suffering at my old place. It was quite roomy considering that I was the only occupant. But by frugal living and a big promotion at work I was ready for greener pastures. The fact that I would finally be away from the pestering shadow of the apartment complex manager was an additional bonus.

Ever since he had been hired two years ago, he managed to stalk my every move in my apartment. He would announce his presence to correct problems in my apartment that I hadn't complained about. I tried to avoid his presence as I suffered through his sexual innuendos, such as, "laying pipes" as he "repaired" my garbage disposal. Or, commenting about my "hot little bed" as he "inspected" the ceiling fan in my bedroom. Somehow, each repair required his entry into my bedroom and after each leering departure I would have the feeling he had rifled through my lingerie.

My complaints to the apartment corporate management had gone unnoticed. I couldn't prove the allegations and they appreciated the fact that he was proactive in doing repairs at the complex.

So, I suffered along until an opportunity fell in my lap. A friend was being transferred to a new job over in Europe. She had just signed a year's lease at her complex when she had been informed of her new job. She had paid six months in advance and didn't want to go through the headache of processing for a rebate and dealing with the penalty clause in her lease.

Since her attendance at her new job was urgent, I would be doing her a favor by moving in. I also factored that my lease was up for renewal. So six months free rent, a better apartment, more convenient location, goodby creepy guy—yeah, that was a no brainer.

Still, it wasn't my dream location. I still fantasized about having a place overlooking Lake Michigan and being close to "The Magnificent Mile" of Chicago, but since Prince Charming was taking his damn sweet time of finding me and presenting me with a glass slipper, I would take what I could.

That was especially true regarding boyfriends. I dated around, I wasn't promiscuous, but it sure felt like I was kissing a lot of frogs looking for Mister Right. The latest being Jack Simmons, a guy I knew from work.

He kept hounding me and hounding me until I finally said yes to a date. He took me to dinner at a fairly decent place and things were okay, nothing spectacular as we talked and I found myself committing to another date next Saturday. Then the check arrived and he looked at me and said that he left his wallet at home and would I mind paying for it.

I would have to say he was pissed when I refused to let him follow me to my apartment...Cheap bastard.

Next Saturday arrived and I was pacing around searching for an excuse to cancel the date when my doorbell rang.

I opened it and there was a plain looking woman I had never seen before. She was accompanied by a large black male, six children of various ages ranging from young adult to toddler, a mountain of luggage, and a large pit bull that I immediately had misgivings about.

When she failed to engage in the proper etiquette of a visitor and announce a greeting and why she was at my door, I went ahead and initiated the conversation.

"Hello," I said questioningly as I took in the ensemble at my doorstep. The woman just glared at me for a moment. She continued to stare at me without saying a word. I looked at the large black male. He had a bored expression on his face. I scanned through the children, the oldest was buried in her cell phone texting, the three youngest were busy tracing a tattoo design in pen on the toddler to match the prison ink-like tattoos adorning their arms.

Again, I looked at the woman and repeated, "Hello."

She still didn't say anything. Perhaps she didn't speak English, I thought. I started delving into my high school Spanish. This was going to be one short conversation however after I asked her for a beer and where was the bathroom.

"Buenos Dias?"

No Response.

"Holla?"

Nada.

"Bonjour?" I courageously branched out to French.

"Guten Tag?"

Still nothing.

"Ciao?"

I was flummoxed by the lack of response. Oh, God, maybe she was Canadian!

"Heh?"

Shit, still nothing. I started trying to recall words I knew in Russian, Chinese, Indian, or Japanese.

"Sushi?"

"Are you Ann Donovan?" I finally heard from the woman. Thank God, she did speak English.

"Why yes I am," I exclaimed, "and who do I have the pleasure of speaki-HEY, YOUR DOG IS HUMPING MY LEG! GET HIM OFF ME!" I screamed retreating in the apartment in an effort to break contact with the mutt.

The woman and her group followed into my apartment. "I'm Claire Simmons, and you are screwing my husband!"

"You think your husband is a dog?" I asked as I wrenched free of the canine and stood on the seat of a kitchen chair to escape. Undeterred, he went over and sniffed at one of my houseplants and started humping away.

The woman looked at me confused, "No, my husband isn't a dog!...Well, maybe he is a dog...but not that kind of dog. No, my husband is Jack Simmons and you are having an affair with him," she said accusingly.

"What the hell are you talking about? I'm not having an affair with him!" I climbed off the chair still eyeing the pit bull screwing my vegetation. I pointed at the dog and said, "And get him to stop doing that to my plant!" I continued to watch as the leaves and limbs shook violently.

"Best, not interfere with Lady. She'll be through in a minute...You got any beer?" I heard the bass tone growl from the black male and he began looking uninvited into my refrigerator.

I turned to the woman, "You named a male dog, Lady?"

She sniffed, "Lady, is confused in her sexual orientation. I'm trying to convince her veterinarian to do a sex change operation. She'll be happier and better adjusted as a female."

"But, don't try to avoid me. We are here because of you fucking my husband, Jack, you slut!"

I tried to calm down and said conciliatorily "Look, I went out on one date with him. I didn't know he was married. He never wore a ring!"

"That's no excuse for breaking up a happy home," she replied.

"He chased after me for months! He never mentioned a family. I'm not having an affair with him. Hell, I haven't even kissed him! I've been trying to figure out a way to break a date I have with him tonight!"

Her eyes narrowed, "What's the matter? He isn't good enough to date you? How dare you insult my husband!"

I was sputtering for an answer as the phone rang.

"Hi Ann, just wanted to let you know I'm looking forward to our date...be sure to bring enough cash for tonight, okay?"

"There isn't going to be any date tonight! You forgot to tell me you were married! Your wife is here with me right now!" I angrily cried.

"Which one?"

"Which one!" I sputtered to remember his wife's name. "Claire, her name is Claire . . . wait a minute. How many wives do you have?"

"Four, but one day I'll go and get a Mexican divorce from two of them."

"Which will still leave you with one wife too many!"

"My God, Ann, I'm seeing you in a whole new light. Your jealousy isn't very pretty," he said sadly. "I hope one day you can get over the hate you have. In the meantime, I'll swing by in an hour for our date."

"Look Bozo! Come over here and get Claire and your family and get the hell out of my life!" I disconnected in time to see the black male walking down the hallway carrying my only six pack of beer and disappearing in my bedroom.

"I would appreciate you not cursing in front of my children, you fucking slut," Claire announced primly.

I pointed at the black male as he closed the door to my bedroom. "Who the hel—heck is that in my bedroom?"

"Oh that's Tyrone, my oldest son," she explained.

"He looks twenty years older than you Claire and he's black."

"He's only fourteen years older than me and he's adopted. I've spent countless hours trying to help him get over his damaged psyche from small-minded people like you! First, his parole officer and now you!"

"Let me get this straight. You adopted an adult black male in your family?" I asked even though I knew the answer.

"Have you no shame, Ann Donovan," Claire searched her answer in my eyes. "If I had known that you were a racist and an ageist, I would have never agreed to move my family in with you."

"What do you mean moving in with me? I never agreed to let you move in with me!" I screamed. I jumped into the kitchen chair as Lady tried to sneak up on me. With a look of disappointment, Lady began humping the leg of the kitchen chair I stood on.

At that point, her young son about the age of ten walked over to us. "Mom, she got all the porn channels blocked on the TV," he complained.

"Don't worry, son, I'll get the password from her, I will not allow her to stunt your sexual education." She patted him placidly on the head as he walked back to join the other rugrats.

"Ann, I couldn't remain in the house after the shame of you having an affair with Jack. The only solution is to leave Jack, move here with you and have you take care of us. It's the only decent thing for you to do." She answered my question of why she was moving with me.

"Claire..." I searched for the right words that would end this nightmare, "Claire, since I'm such a poor role model. Wouldn't it be better for the kids if you moved back home and work out your situation with Jack?"

"That can't happen now, Ann. Thanks to you, once I gave my ultimatum to Jack, he called his first wife to move back in with him. She was all pissy when she left Jack and I moved in with him. I don't think she'll be making that mistake again."

"But, you're his wife, Claire!" I protested.

"Yeah, but right now I don't know if I'll make the final cut to his two wives after he gets his Mexican divorce."

"Claire, I'm moving out of here in two weeks. You can't possibly stay with me!"

"Where are we moving to, Ann?"

Before I blurted out my new address, I caught the "we" in her question. Luckily, I was diverted by the appearance of Tyrone leaving my bedroom carrying a garment into the bathroom.

"Claire, why is Tyrone carrying my $300 silk slip into the bathroom?"

"Ann, Tyrone has certain urges that require him to express himself in a beautiful giving and sharing nature. Surely, you don't begrudge him of that."

"You mean he is going to express himself all over my silk slip?"

"Mom, have you got that password yet? "Twenty Lesbians Clusterfuck" starring Taylor Vixen is about to come on!" Claire's son saved me from hearing her response.

"Just a minute, dear." Claire answered.

"Really, Ann, a $300 piece of lingerie? How will Tyrone ever be satisfied with my bras and panties from Wal-Mart after you needlessly spoiled him," she sighed chiding me.

"I suppose that is what you deserve after you pissed all over on the concept of marriage," Claire informed me.

The doorbell rang and I looked down at Lady who was temporarily sated by my chair. So I jumped down to answer the door.

I opened the door to see a very handsome man carrying a bouquet of roses. "Hi, I'm Dan Sullivan. I have to say that you are even more beautiful than what I was told." He grinned a charming smile and offered the flowers to me. Naturally, I was titillated by this good looking stranger showing up unexpectedly and complimenting me and bringing me flowers.

Damn, he has a nice smile.

Before the flowers got to my hands, I was blocked viciously into the wall as though I was playing ice hockey with the Chicago Blackhawks.

"Hi Dan, I'm Claire, your blind date. Thank you so much for the roses!" Claire purred. I was gratified that Dan looked disappointed at the substitution of Claire from me. "I'm sure my roommate can find a vase to put them in." She handed the flowers to me and raised her eyebrows in the universal expression that she expected me to disappear and leave her with Dan.

"Just a damn minute, Claire. You come here accusing me of having an affair with your husband and now you're going out on a date?" I accused her while rubbing my shoulder that hit the wall when she blocked me into it.

"For Fuck Sakes, Ann, I told you not to curse in front of my children. They are very impressionable at their age, you fucking moron," she yelled.

"Hold on, I don't date married women," Dan cried and shied away from Claire.

"Dan, really it's nothing more than a technical issue." Claire tried to approach him and he started to back away from her.

"Mom, I'm missing 'Jelena Jensen Eats Chocolate Suckers and Tacos, Volume 14'," her son cried from the den.

"Ann, would you mind..." Claire suggested.

Aghast, I said, "I'm not going to corrupt your six kids!"

Dan looked in horror, "You're married, have six children and expect me to go on a date with you?"

Claire explained, "Actually seven, if you count Tyrone."

"Who is Tyrone?" Dan wondered.

Just then Tyrone came out of the bathroom wearing just the ruined remnants of my silk slip. Several telltale stains were present on the garment. Tyrone disappeared again in my bedroom.

"That," I said in remorse, "is Tyrone."

"I think the best thing for me is to go home and forget all about —GET THAT DOG OFF ME!" Dan cried.

"Get on the chair!" I yelled and Dan somehow warded himself away from Lady and scrambled up on the chair next to mine.

"Dan, you really aren't helping Lady adjust to a healthy lifestyle. I can't imagine what her therapist is going to say about this," Claire warned him.

"Mom, if I can't watch porn, is it okay if I order pizza?"

"Yes honey. Just tell them that your Aunt Ann will pay for the delivery. Also Aunt Ann will babysit you while me and your new Uncle Dan go out on our date tonight."

Without warning, "Goddammit, who the fuck do you think you are, Claire? I won't tolerate my wife going out on a date!"

Jack Simmons walked into my apartment from the opened door when Dan Sullivan arrived. Accompanying Jack was a full-blown floozy smacking her chewing gum. Seeing us all looking at her, Jack said, "This is Wendy, I met her at the corner. I figured if Ann was really going to break our date, it wouldn't be a total loss... Listen Ann, could I borrow $100 for Wendy's fee?"

Before I could respond no, Wendy screamed as Lady attached himself to her leg and started humping away.

"For Heaven's Sakes, Wendy, let Lady have a pity hump. I'll make it up to you," Jack declared.

"That just like you Jack! Thinking about everybody's else needs except your wife! That's why I've called your parents to come over here and shame you for how you treat me! I sit at home while you fuck your way through half of Chicago!"

"You don't sit very long Claire, since you're fucking the other half of Chicago!"

"Bullshit, Jack! I have been faithful every day to you!"

Just with my luck, the apartment manager arrived for one of his "repair" visit.

"Oh ho!" he grinned victoriously, "you've got a pet, which is a violation of your lease. You've got too many roommates moving in, which is a violation of your lease and this disturbance is also a violation of your lease. Ann Donovan, you are hereby ordered to vacate the premises immediately!"

I watched the greasy little man sneer his retaliatory victory smile at me rebuffing all his past advances.

"Carl, you can't kick us out!" Claire cried.

"Oh my God, Claire, what are you doing here?" Carl went over and clinched her and gave her a full liplock in front of Jack.

"Faithful, Claire? Just for that I'm calling your parents to come over and see their cheating slut daughter!" Jack pulled out his phone and dialed a number.

"This must be your small dicked husband you keep complaining about when I'm fucking you Claire!" Carl crowed, "No wonder you want a real man to-HEY, GET THIS FUCKING DOG OFF MY LEG!"

As the donnybrook continued, I noticed Tyrone once again walking into the bathroom carrying lingerie. I mentally said goodbye to my Black Widow set from Victoria Secret. The Rugrats Horde began amusing themselves by throwing various CD's and DVD's like frisbees. They cheered particularly loud when they hit either of their feuding parents.

I heard another ruckus emanating from the outside hallway closing toward us. Soon, four middle-aged strangers drifted into the room. The men were engaged in a slap fight, flinching whenever a slap struck them. The women were tussling in a hair pulling contest.

From the screams, shouts and accusations; Dan and I soon were informed that Claire's father had cheated with Jack's mother during Jack and Claire's wedding. The discovery of the cheating pair had caused a vendetta that persisted every time the in-laws met.

Momentarily, the women stopped fighting and Jack's mother peered and said, "Carl, is that you?" That comment caused a shift in the balance of power and fighting began anew.

In an unpredicted lull, Claire pulled out her phone and loudly began pronouncing a text as her thumbs furiously worked the key board. AM-HERE-AT-ANN-DONOVAN'S-APARTMENT-AT-2122-NORTH-CLARK-STREET-HAVING- MY-HEART-DESTROYED!! I-NEED-YOUR-LOVE-AND-SUPPORT!!

She looked at everyone and said, "In just a few minutes, my Facebook page and Twitter account will prove who is the person to blame here!" Everybody looked at each other and quickly began composing messages themselves for public attribution.

While the texting fracas continued, Dan suggested that we get down from the chairs and make a run for it. Lady, I reminded him was like Jaws. Just when you thought it was safe... Dan shuddered and agreed with me that we should remain safe on the chairs.

We started talking and I explained the entire sequence of events before he arrived. "So you're like me? You don't have any dealings with these people?" he asked hopefully and when I assured him that I was as much a victim as him another grin came from him.

Damn, he has a nice smile.

We started talking and getting acquainted as the fights and arguments drifted through the rooms of my apartment. We were really getting into each other when a particular scream came from one of the middle-aged ladies.

We all halted and watched the woman try to maintain her dignity while she spoke.

"I am appalled at what I am witnessing here. I am surrounded by cheaters! My husband cheated on me! My daughter is a cheater! How did it ever come to this?" Claire's mother sanctimoniously cried as she spoke.

In that pregnant moment, "Pizza Delivery!" announced the man laden with six large pizza boxes. The Rugrats Horde stampeded over everyone in their path and snatched the bounty from the man and retreated back into the den.

As the pizza guy recovered his balance, he looked up and saw Claire's mother. "Mary, honey, I wasn't expecting to see you until Tuesday night! Your husband will be out of town, right?"

"Miguel," Mary cried, "you told me you were a successful restaurateur! I never thought you were a pizza boy!"